Artists wish to go uncredited, but this wouldn’t be the same without their work!
Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.
“Lobby Time,” “Hand Balance Redux,” “El Magicia,” “Long Stroll,” “News Sting,” “The Complex”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”
“Sexy and Romantic song for YouTube Videos”
Provided by MusicSongsMusic
Many sound effects provided by FreeSounds.org
Random goofy theme music created using the Ditty App
Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage?
(The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains mature content and language, and may not be appropriate for younger audiences. Thanks for understanding.)
Fausty: Hello, friends and colleagues, and welcome to another episode of Zooier Than Thou. I’m internationally-recognized mongler of frisky furry fellas, Fausty…
Toggle: And I’m Toggle!
Fausty: And we’re here to chaperone this evening’s Zooier Than Thou adventure.
Toggle: I have to say, it’s a Good Friday to be a zoo. We’ve got some good news from the podcasting world.
Fausty: As our listeners know all too well, there’s just kazillions of other zoo podcasts out there. Quadzillions. So rather than competing with such well-established resources, we’re more of a newcomer doing what we can to lift up the whole big basket of zooey ‘casts out there. So here’s a little bit of news to that end.
Toggle:As you may remember, the widely-beloved “Zootopia” podcast – a heavy-hitter in the zoo podcast world – was taken down after they received a cease and desist letter from Disney.
Fausty: Really a shame, it’s one of the best-of-breed and stands out even amidst the ocean of alternatives.
Toggle: Well, now they’re back after rebranding themselves as Zoo Utopia, and you can check out their new website at ZooUtopia.dog.
Fausty: We really should have gotten a dot dog domain. I’m not very good with computers, but we could have done that… couldn’t we?
Toggle: Yeah, but all the good ones are already taken by other zoo podcasts.
Fausty: Ah, yeah, that’s right.
Toggle: And folks – don’t let the cluttered zoo landscape put you off. There’s always room for more, so if you’re listening and feel inspired to do your own zooey podcast, drop us a note and we’ll be happy to help you get set up and running with the kit needed to make it happen. The more, the merrier!
Fausty: All joking aside for a moment, we know some listeners have really creative new ideas for zooey podcasts of your own. Don’t let technical hurdles hold you back, ok? We can help you with your own setup, do some production assistance behind the scenes, or just share advice and ideas…
Toggle: Yep. And once you get up and running, you’ll be pleasantly surprised how easy the whole process is. Look… if two unrepentant mongers like Fausty and I can do it, literally anyone can. I mean, Fausty can’t even get his phone to work most of the time – and here he is, on a podcast! That’s how easy it is: even a Fausty can do it.
Fausty: Yeah yeah, I mean it’s not like I’m some techno-geek-whatever, well… moving on, let’s jump right into our mailbag. Last episode, we asked listeners to weigh in on BeastForum, and while we got a number of e-mails about the show, only one person had anything to say about the forum. Maybe that’s for the best.
Toggle: Not feeling inspired to dig deeper into the beastforum quagmire, Fausty?
Fausty: Way back when, one of their admins bragged to me about how they would inflate their “thread views” counts arbitrarily to make the site look way more popular than it was – they had built a custom module to allow them to set view counts, point-and-click. Remember how they used to have all these hundreds-of-thousands-of-views threads?
Toggle: Sure – they had lots of traffic, right? And weren’t some of those thread, ahem, started by you?
Fausty: My old content from waaay back did prove very popular there – but who knows precisely how much, since they were faking their views counts comprehensively on the site. It’s just typical for how shady and fake the whole thing was, underneath.
Toggle: Most zoos seem to be moving on from the beastforum issue by now – though our one listener email is certainly worth sharing before we move on, ourselves.
Fausty: You want to do the honours, Toggle?
Toggle: Sure! This e-mail is from Orca in Oslo. Orca starts out with: “Hey! I really liked your first episode and I’m looking forward to listening to the next ones. Keep up the good work, you may some day make a name for yourself in the plethora of zoo podcasts.”
Fausty: Well we certainly hope so! It’s a stretch, what with all the prestigious competition, but I think we can manage it!
Toggle: Orca continues: “So, I’m a young zoo exclusive who grew up with the Internet, and I actually think Beastforum wasn’t that bad. Sure, there was a lot of shit on it and what the owners did with the content people posted was horrible, but if you sorted everything out, I think you could find really cool people and content. It was the biggest zoo community, and I think it was important to have such a “hub”. It really helped me to discover that I wasn’t the only one, to accept myself as I was and to become proud of my zoosexuality.
“I think Beastforum was an easy to find website that was really good for people discovering themselves like I was, the guides were cool and to be able to read all these people’s experiences was great. Since there’s almost no other website or forum about zoosexuality, I don’t know a place where people like that could go today. To my knowledge, the only things left are an 8ch thread that’s almost only about porn, and somewhat hidden communities on Twitter, Telegram and Discord. It’s not enough in my opinion, and it’s a real problem.
“What do you guys think about it?”
Fausty: Whoo… well Orca makes some great points, and the perspective of younger folks, not grey muzzles like me, is really important here. I get asked this fairly often, in terms of where I’d recommend folks go for a non-evil zoo forum, just a place to hang out with other zoos and… I don’t have anything to recommend, is the long and short of it. There’s a few super-old-school watering holes where oldsters like me hang out and re-hash old debates from the zeta-l days, but those aren’t much use for everyone else are they? So beastforum managed to squat their greedy non-zoo asses right in the middle of our community’s semantic space online, and in doing so became sort of a default stopping-off point. Now that it’s gone… I dunno. Good friends have told me there’s a few forums out there that don’t suck but I just haven’t looked to even form an opinion at this point.
Toggle: So what does come next, I mean in terms of zoo forums online? Isn’t there a real need for a good, safe place that – unlike beastforum – sets a positive tone and isn’t run solely to generate porn content for pay websites and all that? There’s no way I’d ever recommend a chan-site to anyone looking for a positive place to hang out, because… well, chans.
Fausty: Likewise. A decade ago I ran a zoo forum myself – alongside the tracker – and a few things I learned doing that job. One, it’s a lot of hard work, and doing it right isn’t a simple project. Two, keeping abusive content out is actually not very difficult – we had a bright-line standard and members made sure nothing evil was part of our community, period. Three is that it’s truly worth the hard work to provide a good, safe, healthy place for zoos to congregate online. I hope others take up the challenge and fill the post-beastforum gap with a zoo-owned, zoo-run, zoo-centric alternative. It’s sorely needed, as much now as back when I did just that years ago.
Toggle: It’s funny, though. For me, I found BeastForum to be inaccessible as a younger zoophile. As a media person, I’m a Mac user myself—
Fausty: Of course you are, you Mickey Mouse Motherfucker.
Toggle: (laughs) Fuck you, dog-mongler! So, as a Mac user, the whole thing where you had to put together small pieces of video files made them inaccessible, and the fact that you had to pay to access certain things was a barrier as well. I found myself on a different forum called ZoophilesForum, which I thought was much better. I had a similar experience there to Orca’s with BeastForum; finding a community, making friends, and reading about people’s experiences, all without the exploitative nature of non-zoo admins.
Fausty: Well, ZoophilesForum had its own problems, too.
Toggle: Really? I had no idea.
Fausty: It had a bit of a complicated history – doesn’t everything? There were some amazing folks there, genuinely representing the best of our community, on the admin team. There were some personal issues that made it hard for those good folks to carry the admin load, and unfortunately some astonishingly toxic individuals weaseled their way into admin roles. It eventually slowly imploded on itself. Sad story, and sadly not unique. Same thing happened to “Zoophile’s Destiny” and several others along the way.
Toggle: Dang, I didn’t even know that. I was on there, probably, in 2009 or so.
Fausty: I’d say that was probably near its heyday. Still run by good folks, still regularly visited by amazing folks. I’d gladly shout-out the great people who made that community a great place during those years, but security. So I’ll just say thanks to them for all they did, and hope that message comes through to them wherever they are today, loud and clear.
Toggle: Oh, well, no wonder I liked it, then!
Fausty: Thanks a ton for that e-mail, Orca. We loved hearing about your positive experiences in an otherwise dark place on the internet. And to anyone listening and thinking, “Well, geez, why doesn’t someone just set up a genuinely zoo-positive zoo forum and do it the right way” – good on you! If we – and I personally – can help in any way, we’ll absolutely do so. Go get ‘em, tiger – don’t let anyone tell you it’s not possible, because it absolutely is.
Toggle: We got one more great e-mail we’d really love to share, and it’s a doozy! We’re probably going to be editing this one because it’s so long you’d think Fausty wrote it.
Fausty: Now, to be fair, people say they love my writing style.
Toggle: Equal amounts hate your writing style.
Fausty: This is true. Carry on.
Toggle: This letter is from (shouts) LOOOOOOOVE CAAAAAT!
(Love Cat stinger plays)
Toggle: I’m sorry, Love Cat, I’m a huge dork, and I couldn’t resist it. But your letter is wonderful, so let’s dive in. Love Cat writes: “Hey guys, very pleased to hear another zoo podcast from the sea of zoo podcasts we’re all drowning in. Also very much pleased to hear Fausty’s voice, having only just recently become aware of his existence and read through Uniquely Dangerous. Toggle’s voice was a good listen too, and i have to agree it does sound like his balls haven’t dropped, but that makes comments like “fuck ’em!” even more hilarious.”
Toggle: Oh, my god.
Fausty: Someday, you and those balls are gonna get some space between the two of you! One of these years. Just keep the faith, buddy. It’ll happen.
Toggle: Yeah, well, at least my voice is not fake! I don’t have to go in and adjust my voice just so people can stand to listen to it!
Fausty: You’re the one that gave me this horrible, fake voice, so who’s to blame for that, right?
Fausty: Back to the letter.
Toggle: Yes. Love Cat continues: “I can’t say I’m super delighted about the whole Exposure Solution thing – I was one of those who was taken in by it hook, line, and sinker, and went through a week of anxiety over it. i honestly thought it was fucking Pepe again, and had visions of more jailings and suicides in my head. I realize that you had good intentions in doing that, but the thought of any of the new zoo friends I’ve finally made being harmed by these psychopaths who get off on ruining people’s lives is intolerable to me – only to find out that it was you putting out a strategic hoax… well, it’s a bit of a mindfuck man. I’m trying to learn good lessons from it – such as that you yourself have survived pain, trauma, sabotaged life goals etc. directly consequent to your being outed against your will, and that despite it all you sound undefeated – but it still seems like a harder lesson than was maybe necessary.”
Toggle: Those pauses are for you to comment.
Fausty I thought those pauses were just for you gather your majestic voice for the next paragraph.
Toggle: When you see a pause in the script, that’s for you to comment.
Fausty: What I mean, what can I really say to that?
Toggle: Man? I mean, we we do try our best to make sure that there were no zoos that thought it was actually about them. So like we tried to say, you know, like, we were very conscious of the idea that, Oh, we don’t really want to scare zoos, but we want them to kind of pay attention. So we were like, Okay, well, it’s going to be a celebrity. We’ll out a celebrity that we know, zoos think that it’s them. But maybe that wasn’t entirely apparent. And
Fausty: There are apparently at least a couple of Zoos who are convinced they are celebrities, and that they were being targeted. And I do feel bad for that. Because the idea of flagging celebrity was to make sure nobody was worried. And if we failed in doing that, that was our mistake. And we do apologize for that.
Toggle: Yeah, honestly we apologize for any stress we caused anyone during that, so…
Fausty: There’s been quite a bit of discussion and debate about the exposed solution on Twitter, and I would encourage anybody who thinks we were particularly stupid or irresponsible in doing that, to share those ideas publicly, because it’s been a really useful discussion to have.
Toggle: And, you know, if you felt like this was a good idea that it was important. Equally, your opinion is also valid. We’ve gotten a little bit of both. So you know, it’s something worth talking about.
Fausty: Fair enough. It was an interesting mix of strong reactions either way, which maybe says that there was a whole lot of important issue underlying that particular approach to launching the podcast.
Toggle: In fact, actually, this next part of the letter talks about it some.
Fausty: Very good.
Toggle: “In any case, it did cause me to reevaluate how much power I’ve let this boogie man have over me. And that despite whatever unavoidable consequences being outed can have, the worst consequence would be to allow the ruination of my spirit, which is what they really want to do. I know that psychopaths want to corrupt and destroy the innermost core of a person, that’s what really gets them off. And that to deny them that satisfaction is ultimately what I must do. And in that respect, Fausty, you are a hero to me. That you have lived through nightmarish experiences and not caved, that you have stayed true to yourself in the face of unreasonable hatred, smear campaigns, utter injustice, I can’t tell you what an inspiration and encouragement I find in that. Stay Defiant. I get it.”
Fausty: I appreciate the thought, though, absolutely recoil from the concept of any heroism here at all, I look back at these years covered in that book. And I see the 10,000 terrible mistakes I made that I wish I could go back and do better. So thank you for the gracious positive feedback, I have to say for myself, I know that it could have been done so much better. And I I look forward to people smarter than me doing better than me, and showing the right way to do it in the future.
Toggle: Right. But I think we get to a core thing here. And that is that, you know, we shouldn’t be ashamed, we shouldn’t be scared. We shouldn’t be made to feel less than human, by people who want us to feel less than human. I think it’s interesting that when we did this, we kind of provided a safer way of helping people maybe come to that realization that, you know, why? Why would I be scared of this? Why do these people have so much power over me?
Fausty: Though it was completely unintended, I look back on it, and I wonder now if some zoos who have always felt themselves to be exempt from risk or fear of outing felt that they were suddenly at risk and got a taste of what that feeling is, that was not what we were trying to do. But I do look back and some of the people that reacted most aggressively I think have been the ones who have bragged sometimes about, I’ll never get outed, I’m way too smart for that. That’s only stupid people that get outed and some of those people seem like they were the ones who got angry. And I wonder if it’s not really their fear talking at that point.
Toggle: Right. At any rate, the idea was not to cause anyone stress. But to kind of highlight the absurdity of that kind of dialogue that takes place online with around these people.
Fausty: We we reached for the most hyperbolic, unbelievable, totally fantastical language in writing those tweets. And a scary and interesting part of the reaction is that no matter how hard we tried to make them sound overblown, people believe they could be true. And that says a lot about how weird this stuff can really get.
Toggle: Right. And you know, there’s a point where when you’re dealing with zealots, parody starts looking like the real thing. And that’s just something that happens when you’re dealing with something, so over blown. so over the top, so outrageous that it’s it’s hard to parody because you just look like you’re just doing it. You look like…
Fausty: We tried. We tried to parody the best we possibly could. And to a degree, I think we have to say that we failed in our efforts to parody despite those extraordinary attempts. And that has been a learning lesson. No question.
Toggle: Let’s go ahead and move on. “As for Zooier Than Thou, I’ll give you my honest feedback. In short, I both like it and don’t like it. That is I’m not a fan of sketches. And even though I did find some laughs in it, most of the humor just didn’t work for me. I like very much when you and Toggle just talk and I hope that the Straight Talk segments of the podcast will grow to be the bulk of it. Because to me, that’s where the main value is.” You know, Fausty and I, we talk about the balance there a lot between the talk and the skits. And you know, a lot of these skits are just based on the fallout of random conversations we have. You know, when we brave the Cranbury traffic and grab a bite to eat to do some planning, some of these things just sort of fall out of those conversations, because we think they’re really funny. But —
Fausty: That’s true.
Toggle: — we have a particularly stupid sense of humor. So I guess, you know, that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
Fausty: I think, even though our humor is far from perfect, and far from professional, there is a particular branch of Zoo humor that I’ve always appreciated myself. And I hope that we can maybe inspire those who are better at humor than we are to participate in future episodes and show us the right way to do it.
Toggle: Oh, yeah, and we definitely, hopefully are going to expand and get some more ideas. We want to — we want to hear your ideas. So this isn’t just, you know, Toggle and Fausty jerking off online. Talking about–
Fausty: That’s actually a paid channel. If you’re interested in the paid channel, we’ll go ahead and swap you over there. I mean, only one of us has, you know, balls.
Toggle: Oh my god.
Fausty: So it’s really pretty clear who people are paying to see I’m just saying —
Toggle: Look, rats, rats just have squeaky voices, we just have them. But if you ever seen a rat, you know our balls are just massive. Massive balls, squeaky voices. That’s how it works.
Fausty: Wanna know something? I’ve never known a stallion who had to tell people he had massive balls. It’s weird. Nobody ever had to say that.
Toggle: I’ve never had to defend my balls before! But they are under attack!
Fausty: Well it’s, you don’t really have them.
Toggle: Oh my God.
Fausty: I mean, someday you will though just keep the faith!
Toggle: One day I’ll be a real… Rat.
Fausty: Whatever you are. Anyway,
Toggle: So Love Cat continues: “I guess what would appeal to me the most is to hear about the lives and thoughts of others zoos, to paint a picture of us as complete people who have a right to exist and value to bring to the table. I think we can accomplish those goals by simply presenting ourselves as we are. I think that’s where you’re coming from. However you conduct your podcast, I’m just glad that it exists. And I’m certainly excited to see where you take it. I think that’s going to do it for now. Much love y’all. Love Cat.”
Fausty: Genuinely, thank you so much for an in depth email and for your in depth critique of the podcast so far.
Toggle: It was really a pleasure to read, and I only wish we could have fit more of it on the show. Stay defiant, Love Cat!
Fausty: Up next, a word from our sponsors, followed by Zoo News!
Toggle: Catch you on the other side, fellow zoos!
3. This week’s sponsors
Announcer: This week’s podcast is sponsored by:
Lovin’ Lucy’s Luscious Lube – Strong enough for a stallion, but made for a mare!
And also by:
Whatever project Fausty has going right now. Fausty: he has too many projects going right now.
Looney Tunes, because Disney won’t return our calls. Come back to us Disney! We’ll never wrong you again! You had so much money!
4. Betty’s Bestiality Brothel
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At Betty’s Bodacious Bordello, we understand that everyday, normal guys get the urge to try something different. You’re not interested in a committed, real-life relationship with a non-human partner full of responsibility and devotion. You’re not a zoophile, after all, you’re just curious! Curiosity never killed anyone, did it? That’s why at Betty’s, we offer the very best in imaginary services to sate your sensual desires, no strings attached!
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With new, imaginary locations opening everyday, it’s easier than ever to visit a Betty’s Bestiality Brothel near you! Come on by today!
5. Zoo News – Weighty Matters
Toggle: Alright, let’s not waste any more time and jump right into it. Today’s topic is a real doozy. The mere mention of our subject’s name is enough to ruffle feathers among zoos and non-zoos alike. I was wary of broaching this subject because of the sheer amount of knee-jerk vitriol it can inspire, but there are certain things we feel need to be discussed, so we’re exhuming this dead dog again. I’m talking, of course, about last fall’s furry-world zoosadism shitstorm and the fallout it generated.
Fausty: For those of you who are fortunate enough to live under a rock, last autumn, there was a high-profile disclosure of purported evidence of seriously evil behavior by some individuals in the furry fandom. Specifically, claims were made of a massive “zoosadism ring” that had been exposed through this and, at least initially, the claim was that this disclosure would result in a widespread “cleansing” of such horrific individuals from the furry fandom.
Toggle: You’re using what I’d say is very… careful language in how you describe this, Fausty – language that’s not the same as what most people used back then as it was all exploding onto the zoo twitter scene.
Fausty: Fair enough. Conventionally, this would be identified as the “Kero incident” or the “zoosadism leaks” – and both of those titles are bullshit. First, connecting this all to Kero, who, as I understand it, is a high-profile furry, is absolutely unfair. Two, these aren’t “leaks” because there’s no way to confirm the authenticity of what’s been released – the majority of which is just text that’s claimed to be Telegram chat logs. And, unfortunately, some people involved in hyping this up last fall were caught circulating fake and even malware-laden documents during these “leaks”… so there’s no way to know what’s real and what’s fake, text-wise. So it’s important to be clear about what we know is real – basically some pictures and video files – and what’s totally uncertain, namely all the “chat logs” that got circulated at the time.
Toggle: The leaks caused a flood of anti-zoo sentiment in a typically zoo-friendly fandom, and are a primary source of why I originally left Twitter earlier this year. So let’s break down what happened, piece by piece. A zoo called Akela released the original accusations on Twitter, tagging several prominent furries and some known anti-zoo groups to alert them that he had uncovered zoosadists hiding in the furry community, and he felt compelled to call them out. He released a slew of allegedly incriminating telegram chat logs with some very alarming and graphic content, featuring conversations and some images revolving around the torture and rape of animals. Kero was called out in all this, although it now seems clear that no real video or picture evidence ever existed implicating him in actual zoosadist activity.
Fausty: I’d like to step back and be clear on this. Zoosadism is the torture of other beings in order to derive pleasure from the pain they experience. This is one of the most horrible, most evil, most fucking disgusting things human beings can do. There is no clinical or documented connection between zoosadism – which resolves around pain and misery and is not “sexual” in any meaningful sense – and zoophilia, which is a sexual orientation and involves reciprocal intimacy between adults who chose to engage in sexual relations with each other.
Toggle: This is a topic you are really passionate about, Fausty…?
Fausty: Absolutely. As I said, I used to run a high-profile, high-traffic zoo forum and tracker, for years. And during that time we had two incidents involving zoosadists – in both cases I helped track down and neutralize those individuals to the best of my ability, alongside a number of other very courageous and utterly unrelenting zoo colleagues. And what I saw during those episode was… beyond words to describe. It is fucking disgusting, it’s… I’d do most anything to stop anyone who does these things, anything. So I know about such “investigations” firsthand, I know what goes into actually acting to stop such monsters from doing what they do… and I also know how much bullshit those monsters can and will throw up to try to avoid accountability. I’ve been there, done that, seen it, have the scars for life from it, and would absolutely do it again if needed.
Toggle: Meanwhile, last fall, when these accusations dropped, it quickly got tangled up with anti-zoo bigotry on Twitter and elsewhere, and it became almost impossible to disentangle the actual zoosadism claims from broader efforts to “out” zoos and, even worse, to intentionally confuse zoos with zoosadists, across the board. Mix in all the excitement of full-bore furry fandom drama, and… yeah. An ugly, confused, angry, unstable mess.
Fausty: Zoophiles were quick to denounce these acts, and rightfully so. It truly goes without saying – and despite that, of course, we all said it. it’s an ugly truth that zoosadists will occasionally put on the guise of being zoos – just like the Randall “zoobuster” Pepe example from the old days – so they can try to blend into our community and thus be harder to pinpoint and neutralize. Obviously, that’s a fucking stupid move on their part – there’s nobody, absolutely nobody, who hates zoosadists more than zoophiles. Nobody. So when such monsters pop up in our world, they’re swiftly spotlighted and dealt with – usually quietly, with no big public fanfare, and solely with the aim of ensuring they don’t ever hurt anyone again.
Toggle: Getting back to Kero, he was quick to deny the allegations he faced last fall, and perhaps he was a bit too quick. It would be days before mainstream furry outlets picked up on the logs and spread the information, and with Kero already responding, it set him up as a likely target. What followed was both incredibly interesting and painfully distressing. Accusations began piling up. There were reports that there was video of Kero fucking a dead animal, reports that there was evidence that Kero had engaged in some kind of abuse of a living animal. People claiming to have poured over the leaks extensively pointed the finger at Kero as the primary culprit. Personally, I knew I couldn’t stomach the contents of the leaks, so I didn’t look. But I felt uncomfortable weighing in on something I wasn’t willing to put the research into. Still, I assumed that my fellow zoos were telling the truth. He must have done something wrong to warrant all this hatred. I stayed silent.
Fausty: About this time, the DMs started flooding into both my personal account and to the CSA twitter account, calling on me to publicly denounce Kero as a zoosadist. I mean, this was straight-up “if you don’t denounce Kero right now as a zoosadist, then you’re a zoosadism enabler and just as guilty as he is” level pressure. To which I replied, characteristically, that people making such demands on me or anyone else could go fuck themselves. Because obviously I’m not denouncing anyone without actual evidence they did something – not just “someone said someone else said they heard that some other guy heard that” kindergarten bullshit. I asked to see the evidence, for these accusers to point to images or videos. If the evidence existed, make it public. Not “chat logs” which are so trivially easy to fake. And many, many people absolutely assured me that such evidence – pictures and video – existed. People would say, “If you dig deep enough, you’ll see it.” I got sent links to all sorts of bloated, garbage-filled archives… some of which showed strong indications of carrying malware in them. Months of this, of me publicly asking for actual evidence – privately or publicly – and many people who should and did know better promising the evidence was “out there somewhere”… What did surface is a video, less than a minute long, of a dog walking around with an erection. A dog. With a boner. Males get erections, it’s quite normal and healthy – it’s no “zoosadism” or abuse or whatever. It’s a fucking boner. It wasn’t even zooish! So I was really, really suspicious outright that this was a faked-up hit job targeting Kero for totally political reasons, and had zero to do with “zoosadism” or with protecting anyone from harm.
Toggle: I think it’s fair to give a little bit of background here. Fausty has himself been the subject of public witch hunts before. Famously, he was arrested for running a “bestiality farm” in a small town in Washington…
Fausty: Ha, hold up – even that’s not true! I was actually arrested for violating the “spirit of supervised release” (it’s a long story, read Uniquely Dangerous if you’re interested) – nobody in any legal papers ever made any claims about me running anything. All that – the “bestiality farm” – was made up by bigots and journalists.
Toggle: Ok, interesting correction. From there, news media jumped on the story, reporting about Vaseline-slathered mice used for “felching,” reportedly the act of shoving rodents up your ass…
Fausty: Oh indeed! That’s Laura “felcher” Clark who imagined this concept of “felching” (look there’s actually something called felching – it has nothing to do with mice – and if you’re curious, and a bit kinky, you’ll likely already know what felching actually is…)
Toggle: Oh, yes. I’ll felch you any time you want, Fausty.
Fausty: Hahaha, OK, not my thing, but hey, that’s cool. So Laura Clark claimed to be an expert on the topic. An expert. On the topic of a practice – felching – that’s totally different from what she imagined it to be.
Toggle: Right, so here’s the problem: none of it was true. There were mice, but there was no Vaseline, as evidenced by photographs taken at the scene. There was a zoophile living with animals, but there was no animal sex tourism. Here’s a fact: bestiality farms don’t exist, and “gerbiling,” the correct term for the act described, has never been medically documented, not even once. It’s a pure urban legend, and is listed as such on Snopes. It’s imaginary. So, last fall you’ve got people trying to convince someone – Fausty – who has gone through all this, himself, a public smear campaign… people demanding that he participate in exactly the same kind of bullshit targeting someone else.
Fausty: I mentioned this before, but when it comes to my history, all of this is excruciatingly documented in the book Uniquely Dangerous, if you’re interested in the specifics. Needless to say, I’m a bit of a skeptic when it comes to the “everyone says this guy did this stuff but there’s no actual evidence and if you don’t agree then we’ll smear you just like him” kind of dynamic… just a little bit.
Toggle: As the story spun out of control, new, wild accusations began being spread around. When I heard that Kero had killed his dog, it gave me pause; that was never mentioned originally, and killing a female dog by penetrating her really seemed… well, not impossible but perhaps a bit far fetched. I knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy, and I asked them to check on that for me. Word came back that Kero’s dog died in a fight with a neighbor dog, and when I mentioned this online, people immediately jumped on me. “How dare you defend Kero! Don’t you know he did this and this?” “I’m not defending Kero,” I replied. “But you can’t just say things that aren’t true. This one thing is definitively not true.”
Fausty: Oh geez, I forgot about that whole side of things. Yes, there was a phase when the narrative jumped to “Kero fucked his dog to death.” Which… really? Of course, zero evidence. Then was it that his dog died of liver disease because he had too many orgasms or… I don’t even remember the absurd permutations. And it was all totally fake, obviously. Apparently a dog did die – that’s tragic, undoubtedly – of nothing related in any way to sex or boners or fucking or furries or anything whatsoever related to the Telegram disclosures.
Toggle: Now, Fausty, off-hand, can you name anyone else’s name who was leaked in the zoosadist leaks?
Fausty: I know one other name, but then again I’ve spent many hours on this whole ugly situation. And I don’t even know a real-life name, just a nickname apparently present in these disclosures.
Toggle: That’s SnakeThing, right? Because the telegram logs all linked back to that guy.
Toggle: I’m sure there are a few people who are more intimately familiar with some of the other names that got dropped, but one thing is definitely for sure: no one else involved in the leaks received the time and attention that Kero got.
Fausty: Oh it’s not even close! The online drama queens – especially the creepy-assed closet zoo who runs the “ZSIS” twitter account – went on and on and ON about Kero… and minor mentions of maybe some others.
Toggle: And what about anyone else? There were more than three people in those leaks, weren’t there?
Fausty: That’s what I’m led to believe. A few of the e-mails we got from people during the Hate Party campaign referenced telegram chats involving SnakeThing in their indictments, indicating that there were more people, but no one heard about them. All that noise, all that hype, all those big claims about some alleged zoo allegedly “infiltrating” a zoosadism ring, and it boils down to maybe three names, and, umm… crickets. That’s it. So the question becomes: Why?
Toggle: It becomes important to define what success looks like when you’re entering a project like this. If you’re going to doxx zoosadists, what is the end goal? What do you want to accomplish?
Fausty: I’ve already disclosed my own history of working with groups to take down zoosadists in the past. For us, it wasn’t about getting lauded, or getting people arrested, or getting people ostracized from the community. For us, success was making sure these people could never hurt another animal ever again. Short of that goal, we deemed our efforts a failure. That’s pretty fucking simple, isn’t it? The reason you go after zoosadist isn’t because they “make us look bad” or because it’s fun or because you don’t want them bringing heat on you by being around. You do it because they are monsters and hurt others for pleasure. Damn, that’s so damned clear!
Toggle: And as animal lovers, that really does seem like the reasonable benchmark for the success of a project like this.
Fausty: So using that as a benchmark, let’s take a look at these zoosadist leaks and determine how successful they were. Because some of the zoos who were really, really close to all this – they claim they were “infiltrating” all this zoosadist talk, but I have my concerns about how they ended up so tangled up in all this as zoos because, me personally, I never seem to get tangled up with zoosadists, you know? – a few of those zoos have claimed great success in all this. And I’m really left thinking that’s a crock of shit. When I went after monsters like this, the folks I worked with didn’t infiltrate anything. We identified the monster in question, confirmed the actions really did occur, and then we did all we could to stop them from doing it any more. Done. This isn’t a fucking spy movie, you know? This is real life.
Toggle: One obvious highlight is that two of these abusers were arrested. Levi Dane Simmons, otherwise known as SnakeThing, and Marrero Pernas, who was arrested in Cuba.
Fausty: There are a few problems with considering these wins, however. For me, I haven’t seen evidence that Levi Dane Simmons is actually SnakeThing and not some random newspaper clipping about animal abuse that was used to say, “Look! We did it!” Further, newspapers are not a good source for zoo-related news. And the people who claim that they can vouch for the truth of that have also admitted to me that they’ve lied about other parts of this, quite publicly and loudly, along the way. So I can’t really trust them in good conscience. So maybe that’s Snakething and maybe not – but because of the lying and bullshit smeared all over this mess, it’s by now basically impossible to figure out the truth.
Toggle: Well, now, Fausty, let’s give that the benefit of the doubt. Your life experiences tend to lead toward suspicion to that end, but we’re talking about zoophiles who led the charge on this project.
Fausty: Well… not so fast. Let’s not forget the deeply disturbing fact that several of the zoos involved in this shameful mess intentionally outed someone who they identify as a zoo because, it’s claimed, they “had do” in order to do something something. It’s all secret, can’t tell anyone, so I’m told… but the admission has been made that at least one zoo was intentionally outed. By other zoos. And, to me, that’s way over a red line. Way over. And those who have admitted to doing this have offered zero defense other than “we had to, because reasons.” Which is hard to swallow, given that they have admitted to lying about other parts of this. And when we get to zoos outing zoos… well, we’re right back to Randy Pepe and the suicides and murdered families that come from outing zoos and, nope, I’m not on page with that.
Toggle: Aside from that, and assuming that these two arrests are legitimately tied directly to the zoosadist links, what are the issues?
Fausty: The obvious issue – even if we make those generous assumptions – is in the follow-up: what happens after these people are arrested? For all we know, these folks are out on bail, still abusing animals. Not only that, but the punishment for animal abuse – real abuse, involving real death or pain or suffering to nonhumans, not imaginary “moral abuse” or panics involving dogs with boners – in most states? Thirty days in jail, if that. In Cuba? Ha, I’d be surprised if that led to any sort of substantial punishment. Listeners can correct us if we’re wrong on this, but I’m not seeing anyone doing years in prison on any of this – even if they’re convicted, which thus far I’ve not heard any claim that’s happened, or will happen.
Toggle: I’d think that they’d be a bit harsher in Cuba in general.
Fausty: For animal abuse charges? Not a chance. There was that case recently of a couple of shit-stain “kill for fun” hunters who went in the den of a hibernating bear and her cubs and murdered then, laughing the whole way through. That’s flagrantly illegal, and they lied to officers investigating the crime. Nope, no sir, we didn’t kill no mama bear and her cubs – we’re Great White Hunters! Fucking scum got caught on camera doing the murders. Caught. On camera. After lying to cops. And the older shitstain did a few weeks in jail. The younger psychopath? Zero jail time. Slap on the wrist. That’s absolutely typical, absolutely. So, for all the huffing and puffing about Kero that went on for months, there’s been effectively zero in the way of public follow-up regarding these two arrests. The “Investigation Squad” with their kiddie twitter logo and kiddie bragging about their secret decoder ring exploits? They packed up shop and are back playing Pokemon, or whatever – zero interest in things when it comes to actually stopping actual abuse. It was all a public stunt for that whole cadre of creeps. Look: you can’t just congratulate yourself and call it a job well done with an arrest. That’s, at best, a first step. At worst, it’s an irrelevant distraction. These monsters are likely right back at it, or soon to be – and nobody’s following up one bit. So that’s supposed to be “success?” Pardon me whilst I don’t join in with the celebratory blowjobs, sorry.
Toggle: Now, with your zoosadist projects, you didn’t go to the public with your victories, as I recall.
Fausty: This is true. But our investigations weren’t public to begin with. You have to wonder why such a public display would suddenly go quiet when it came to the actual results of their actions. All the hype upfront, zero hype about tangible results. That’s a fucking disgrace, is what it is. This stuff isn’t some twitter game, like the Ice Bucket Challenge for creepy half-closeted basket cases. This is real. Torture is a real horror, and when it really happens it is all of our ethical obligation to stop it! Not to fucking make a cool logo and fucking tweet about it…
Toggle: So, it’s a little early to claim the arrests are a victory. But, at the very least, the leaks managed to stop a high-profile name from gaining social power that would have allowed him to continue abusing animals, right?
Fausty: You’re talking about Kero, right?
Fausty: Well, no. As I’ve hinted at throughout, some of these “infiltrators” admitted to me that there was never any real evidence that Kero is a zoosadist, and that they knew from the very beginning that no such evidence existed, but they actively spread that narrative because, “Oh, if you only knew what I knew, you’d understand why it had to happen.” When it comes to Kero, it looks far more likely to me that what happened is a fairly popular fur got assassinated publicly by others perhaps jealous of his popularity – others who were willing to fatally corrupt an actual investigation into actual horrifically evil actions by totally different people altogether. That’s hardly a “victory for the animals,” is it? Oh and also at least one zoo was intentionally outed by other zoos, for spotty reasons I can’t even guess at because they are secret and also pretty improbable to be honest. So that’s our scorecard: a political hit job, a zoo outed.
Toggle: So after all of the repeated cries for you to publicly denounce Kero, the same people admitted that there was no evidence that Kero had actually committed any animal abuse?
Fausty: Absolutely correct.
Toggle: Going back over the giant public display, I do realize that at the end of it all, people basically started conceding that, “I don’t know what Kero did, but he definitely did it.” Thinking back to all the people who swore up and down that they read those leaks, I recall when someone admitted to me that as far as they could tell, Kero maybe jerked off a dog or made one lick his dick.
Fausty: To my knowledge, that is NOT proved! The one video that ever surface, which allegedly had Kero’s legs in it, didn’t show any of that. It showed a dog with a boner. That doesn’t make Kero a zoo, and doesn’t prove anything other than the fact that male dogs can get boners – unless they are victims of human genital mutilation, that is.
Toggle: Ok, and yet somehow, that alone was enough to justify completely slaughtering this young man in the court of public opinion… and actually what seems to have happened is that he was massacred and blamed for the death of his own dog when in fact he was grieving the loss of that dog as a result of an accident that occurred when he wasn’t even in the same state. And that’s really awful, isn’t it? If that’s how this all plays out, it’s really shameful for all of us that we let this happen.
Fausty: So you ask yourself, “What did this absolute character assassination do in the end?” Well, as far as I can tell, it made for a really good shield for the real abusers to make their getaway. One thing that is characteristic of all sociopathic monsters like zoosadists is their willingness to throw others under the bus to make a clean escape. That I have seen every time I’ve been involved in hunting them down, from Randy Pepe onwards. (Randy was himself an admitted zoosadist – not a zoophile – and wrote an autobiography in which he recounted suffocating his Dobermans as part of his sickening power-warped concept of “sex”). And, yes, it’s clear to me that there was absolutely some smokescreening that happened here, and that it worked. Some monsters got away clean, and they did so at the expense of Kero who was the lightning rod for hatred and abuse. And many, many people – zoos and furries alike – who could and did know better did nothing to stop this from happening. Some, in fact, have a record of perhaps enabling it… intentionally or not.
Toggle: Certainly, very few other names actually entered the public discourse, and undeniably, no name was subject to more consistent vitriol than Kero’s. So what about the other abusers? What happened to the ring of people around SnakeThing, and why has no one been talking about them?
Fausty: In the end, as far as we can ascertain here at Zooier Than Thou, this whole sorry episode has failed to protect nonhumans from being the victim of the monsters on two legs that are zoosadists. By focusing on one person – a scapegoat, easy to target because visible and high-profile (I know how that works) – and willfully creating lies surrounding them, we’ve all played a role in allowing the true monsters to walk away clean, for the most part, so they can continue perpetuating their horrific tortures on other beings in the future.
Toggle: There’s no saving Kero at this point. The damage is done. I’d say he might never recover, only I noticed recently that Monica Lewinski is doing pretty well these days. Still, he will always be Kero the Zoosadist, and this podcast isn’t going to change that. So what can we do?
Fausty: First off, I personally hope that Kero can survive this terrible episode and – whatever his strengths or failings as a person and as a young man in the community – use this experience to become a stronger, wiser, more compassionate man. I hope that he can take what happened to him and make something good of it. It won’t be easy – I of all people know how fucking hard it is – but it is possible and it is absolutely a worthy goal. I don’t know Kero, never met him and never interacted with him, but I personally offer my support in his efforts to create for himself a good path forward – whatever that means for him and his loved ones. And I, for whatever it’s worth, offer to him my condolences for what he’s been through. Whether he ran with the wrong crowd or said some things in chats that are themselves indefensible, I hope that he doesn’t let this crush him or, worse yet, turn him into the monster everyone accused him of being. The strong path forward is for him to prove all those spineless, lying, cowardly scumbags who set him up as a sacrifice so they could cover up other crimes that he’s not who they painted him to be – that he’s better than that, and that he grows into the compassionate, caring, loving man waiting within him. Two, I hope that we can ALL be more critical of accusations in the future, and more wary of our eagerness to jump on a bandwagon as a community. Let’s all double-down on our dedication to winnow the facts from the fantasies, the reality from the rumors, and the evil from the errata. There is genuine evil out there. There’s monsters like Randy Pepe or Rainstirs who cause pain for their own pleasure. They are the real targets – the eternal targets – of anyone who rejects torture as a fun pastime. The only way we can keep our lookout for those real monsters is to stop being distracted by hot air and political gibberish that’s falsely painted as being about “stopping zoosadism,” period.
Toggle: Perhaps we can also salvage the good bits of the investigation and start keeping a public record of who’s involved and what’s been done to stop them from abusing animals.
Fausty: To that end, we would love to hear from the community about any real, factual information you’ve gathered so we can try to put together a real picture of what’s going on, without obfuscation and falsehoods. Just as important if not more so, if anything we’ve said today isn’t accurate – if we’ve gotten the facts wrong, big or small – please, correct us! You can do that privately – just tell us – and we’ll honor that request. Or, better yet, correct us and let us air that correction in a future podcast so everyone can benefit from your better knowledge of what happened.
Toggle: Also, please, no links to KiwiFarms — an ironically named troll site that’s not endorsed by actual Kiwis.
Fausty: Oh well, the degenerate Nazi-loving nobodies at Kumquat Farms managed to out themselves as the white supremacist losers everyone already knew them to be, and they’ve picked a fight with LEO in .nz. Good luck with that, morons…
Toggle: Alright, so this has been a rather heavy topic for our lighthearted show. Let’s take off our “serious business zoo” hats and get to what you really came here for — terrible zoo puns.
Fausty: Stay tuned for the good stuff, right after this.
6. Secret Zoo – The Great Zoophile Conspiracy
Announcer: (rad voice) You’re listening to National Enquirer radio: the hottest gossip with the least amount of scrutiny.
Host:Good evening, Enquirers. I’m pleased to welcome back to the show history buff and outraged citizen journalist, Tuck Tubthumper. Tuck, it’s good to see you.
Tuck: (with an excessive amount of malice) It’s good to be back, Jeff.
Jeff: Now, Tuck, you say you have the exclusive scoop on a secret zoophile conspiracy, involving everyone from Hollywood elites to simple corn farmers in the midwest.
Tuck: That’s right, Jeff. What I’ve got is gonna shake the very foundation of our society.
Jeff: That’s pretty intense. Why don’t you walk us through it from the beginning?
Tuck: The beginning is the perfect place to start. Anatomically Modern Humans stemmed from tribes in Africa.
Jeff: Wait a second Tuck, I didn’t mean the beginning of human history!
Tuck: Oh, no, Jeff. This shit goes deep. We need to go all the way back.
Tuck: Serious as a tick on a taint! These early humans migrated from Sub-Saharan Africa up into Western Africa and into modern-day Europe, found some cozy places to settle, and set up camp. You’re familiar with the term Cro-Magnon, right Jeff?
Jeff: Uh, kind of. Like cave men?
Tuck: No, Jeff, not cavemen. The Cro-Magnon tribes were the first modern humans, the first humans to resemble what humans look like today. And like humans today, they were prone to… distasteful proclivities.
Jeff: Distasteful proclivities, like what?
Tuck: Oh, Jeff, if only you knew! You think these dirty “zoophiles” today are bad? Wait ’til you hear what these Cro-Magnon humans did.
Jeff: I’m on the edge of my seat, Tuck.
Tuck: So, you’re a modern human. Proud. Tall. Upright. You wield dominion over nature. You make fire, tools, weapons. You create languages. You’re the real deal. Then along comes this… beast, bulky, short, covered in fur. Its young clings to its mother’s furry breast. Make no mistake, Jeff, we’re talking about a wild animal, the likes of which the Cro-Magnon people had never seen before.
Jeff: I’m followin’ you, Tuck.
Tuck: Naturally, when you see a wild animal, what do you do, as a proud human?
Jeff: Hunt it? Eat it?
Tuck: You’d think that, wouldn’t you. But early modern man had other plans. Early modern man decided to fuck it.
Jeff: Wait, are you saying that this was a regular occurrence?
Tuck: It became the gold standard. Cro-Magnon men lined up to fuck these animals, while the women sought out the beast’s thick, stocky cock.
Jeff: Jesus! How could we have never heard of this before?
Tuck: Oh, you might have heard it tossed around without realizing it. You ever heard of Neanderthals, Jeff?
Jeff: Uh… cave men?
Tuck: No, Jeff, not cave men. Hardly men at all! Overgrown monkeys, more like. Humans got it on with neanderthals like zoos get it on with cattle. These beasts that humans were having sex with were animals. Animals!
Jeff: That’s just horrible! Are you really telling me this whole group of humans were raping animals too dumb to consent like it was… natural or normal?
Tuck: They sure were, just like it was the most normal thing in the world. There wasn’t anybody there to tell them how depraved it all was! But there’s and even bigger problem that all this sex with animals nastiness caused – and let’s just be glad that it isn’t one modern zoophiles get to experience.
Jeff: What’s that, Tuck?
Tuck: They didn’t just fuck each other, those humans and their animal “partners”… they made babies, Jeff: they interbred! Tainting our proud, pure, human blood with filthy, disgusting, dumb animal DNA. Neanderthal/Human families popped out babies like there was no tomorrow: little monsters, each and every one a rebuke of the purity of the human race!
Jeff: So you’re saying that humans fucked animals… and these unholy couplings produced babies?
Tuck: Stranger than fiction, let me tell you. Not only did these humans disgrace their sacred racial purity by having carnal relations with those disgusting animals, but they even lived together as if humans were just another kind of animal! They raised their impure children together, creating an entire new generation of corrupted half-humans. If this had happened today, those babies would have been put down, just like we do for the poor animal rape victims of modern-day zoophiles. But this was a whole different world. And this nightmare of tainted love went on for years… centuries, even!
Jeff: Wow, that’s depravity the likes of which I’ve never heard before! Can you imagine if that happened today?
Tuck: But, Jeff, I’m sorry I have to tell you this but… that curse isn’t just in the past. It’s much much worse than that.
Tuck: Oh, Jeff, you sweet, delicate flower of a man. Think about what I just said. Early man’s lust for strange, passionate, exciting furry sex has had untold effects on modern human kind. Just about every one of us humans alive today is the product of interspecies sex: we’re direct descendants of the unspeakable sin of bestiality! Our very genetic heritage is tainted with the carnal love for animals; it’s inside us, it’s part of who we are! We’re mongrels, Jeff. We’ve got that animal DNA in our genes. Our immune systems, Jeff? We got those from Neanderthals.
Jeff: Oh, God, I think I’m gonna be sick.
Tuck: And humans didn’t stop with the Neanderthals, either. Modern man travelled into Asia and fucked those impure, stupid, nonhuman Denisovian animals as well! Those people back then… they really just acted like the “species barrier” was some imaginary thing… like there wasn’t a Beautiful Wall separating humanity from the filthy, disgusting, dumb animals. Those people just lived and loved whomever they chose!
Jeff: Absolutely incredible.
Tuck: And this leads us to the modern zoophile agenda. Just like our ancient Cro-magnon ancestors, these depraved individuals have the drive to have sex with any mammal that wants to do the two-backed beast with a human. They don’t care if they’re shaped exactly like them or not. They don’t care! All they care about is, well I guess they just care about love, Jeff. But not the pure, wholesome love where you make sure everyone stays in line with a healthy dose of social pressure and condemnation. And I bet they’d go on loving even after they know the risk of getting fucked by someone who isn’t human: they’d go on with all that loving even if they knew how our pure human genes got polluted by animal DNA by all those ancient human zoophiles, loving anything that loved them back! They’d corrupt us again, Jeff! Filthy animal sperm tainting our pure human DNA! Can you imagine it? The pure uniformity of humans, spoiled by love. Disgusting… just beyond comprehension….
Jeff: You think that’s possible? Isn’t there a chromosome incompatibility?
Tuck: Look Jeff, I have uncovered something that few of us “Normal” humans know; zoophile scientists have been working on the problem for decades, and they’re close to a solution. I’ve seen the research with my own eyes, Jeff. Haven’t you ever noticed these animal fuckers always insist on their animals being left “in-tact”? They all act like respecting the bodily integrity of their beloveds is some sort of… moral thing, or whatever. But obviously there’s a dark, secret explanation for that kind of weird “respect those you love” cover story. And now I have figured it out: zoos don’t cut pieces off their family members… so that they can harvest their semen and their eggs and use them to make future generations of cross-species children! They’re secretly trying to take over the world with furry, weirdly-sexy, half-human/half-animal children! Jeff, zoos are trying to make furries real – there, I said it. It’s wild stuff, Jeff, let me tell you.
Jeff: That’s mind-blowing. I can hardly believe something like that exists!
Tuck: This conspiracy goes deep, Jeff. Hollywood Zooluminati elites fund these experiments, while zoo farmers provide ample samples to zoo scientists in Silicon Valley. Zoos spread hateful, disturbing propaganda about “mutual respect” and “inter-species symbiosis” and “love transcends” to recruit new test subjects to their cause through Twitter accounts like the Cross Species Alliance, run by one of the most prominent figures in the Zooluminati. I’m not naming names, but it sounds alot like… jousty.
Jeff: Wow, when you said you had a bombshell, you sure delivered, Tuck.
Tuck: All I’m doing is spreading the truth, so we can stop this conspiracy in its tracks before we end up with gross human hybrids – like the whole world is just one big con and they are their fursona, forever – taking over our government and forcing us all to… well, to get violated by big horny half-human studs bent on planting their seed wherever it’ll take root. You know furries, Jeff… just think about a world of nonstop murrs. If we don’t stop the Zooluminati, that’s the future we all face: love, kindness, compassion… and lots of sweaty, happy, musky furry drama. The horror… the horror.
Jeff: Thanks for the scoop, Tuck. Stay vigilant, Enquirers! We’ve got more Enquiries coming up after this!
7. Ask Zooey
Zooey: Welcome back to Ask Zooey, the premiere program for cross-species romantic advice. I’m your host, Zooey Deschanel…’s canine drag queen look alike, Zooey!
Toggle: And I’m her paramour-at-arms, Toggle Rattington III, Esq.
Zooey: Remember, if you’re in need of your own romantic advice, we’ve recently streamlined the process so that it’s easier than ever to have your questions answered on-air before a canned studio audience! Simply message us @AskZooey on Twitter, or send us an anonymous e-mail through the form at zoo.wtf with the subject “Ask Zooey!”
Toggle: Much easier than sending a canine strip-o-gram, and a lot less expensive, too!
Zooey: Today’s letter comes from Stressed Stud in Straightsville, and it’s quite the doozy! Rat-servant, will you please do the honors?
Toggle: Your wish is my command. Stressed Stud writes: “Dear Zooey… Look, here’s the deal. I’m a red-blooded, hooves-to-ears, balls-deep stallion: The real deal: a stud. People brag about being hung like me, you know? And I love mares. Nothing gets me goin’ like a mare in heat. Sloppy, sticky, squealy, straight-slammin’ mare-y good fun! I want all the mares, everywhere, in my herd. I got ’em covered – real talk. They love me, I’m Mr. Satisfaction to my lovely ladies, I am! Never even looked at another stallion’s junk before! Why would I? I know he’s not got anything I can’t outdo so no sense wondering. Even if sometimes a guy does wonder, and you know it’s just curiosity is all! Anyway I don’t do that, I’m a stallion’s-stallion – I mean I only bang mares, all the mares all the time.”
Zooey: Hmm… methink the stallion doth protest too much.
Toggle: It’s just that, there’s this new stableboy on the farm. I mean, I noticed him right away since he’s got that, strut, you know… like he’s got it all goin’ on? Well sure he’s not a real guy, he’s just human, but it’s a decent try at real stallion charisma is all. That’s gonna draw your eye, right? Not a stallion, just a human ok? Yeah, well, also when he’s cleaning my stall he always gives me just-right scritches… like, he knows where I’m wishing for a bit of a nice touch. I’m just sayin’ it’s really neat how he learns my needs and knows how to make a guy feel comfortable. So sometimes, I’d just like to, you know… listen, is it really super gay to just sorta, you know… give a special sorta nicker to… just this human guy? And if he notices and wants to maybe do some off-the-books collections, just he and I – it’s not like I decided to do that, because it’s him that makes the first move. Obviously. And all I did was nicker, so not like I was tossing a leg over his shoulder for a quick hump or anything! Anyway, just asking generally. Like I said, love mares, totally not gay. Not into guys – real guys, I mean: stallions – no way! But sometimes when I’m belly-slappin’ I get to maybe thinking about that stable boy’s soft little hooves stroking smoothly on my shaft… caressing my balls right before I cum… his head buried under my tail, his tongue in me… Err so anyway – it… wouldn’t be gay, right? Because, like, it’s not with a real stallion or anything! That’s gay, man! I’m just… he’s only a human so it can’t be gay! I’m just attracted to the little dude’s great personality, is all – but in an “it’s just a human” kind of way, you know? So that’s not gay… is it? What if he makes the first move and I just go along? Not gay, right?”
Zooey: You know, it’s a shame that in this day and age, homosexuality is still so taboo that people are still repressing those kinds of feelings.
Toggle: Well, particularly in the rural United States, there’s still a lot of stigma surrounding homosexual activity. It can get you in trouble even today.
Zooey: There’s also often a supposition that you’re either gay, or you’re straight. But here’s the truth, Stud: Sexuality exists on a spectrum, or even more accurately, in an amorphous cloud of possibilities that’s difficult to define. It’s completely possible to be attracted to mares and still find the stableboy attractive. You can have both! But Stud, what concerns me most is your repression of these feelings in the context of your masculinity. You can be the manly, well-hung stud and nicker at the stable boy. You can even wonder what that other stallion in the stable looks like when he’s hard. Being interested in the same sex doesn’t make you less of a stud, whether its with another stallion or just a human.
Toggle: And it’s also possible that your sexuality varies by species. I’ve always been partial to other guys, in general, but I have to admit to a certain attraction when it comes to mares, just like you have.
Zooey: My advice to you, Stud, is to embrace all the facets of your sexuality, and don’t get hung up on labels like “gay” and “straight.” These labels are only useful to easily convey our sexual preferences to others, but they become uselessly restrictive when we try to confine ourselves into those boxes. A stud’s stud like you, Stud, can please all the mares and be interested in males at the same time without changing who you are fundamentally as a person. Furthermore, don’t let anyone make you feel lesser because of how you feel about stable boys. You’re a proud stallion, and nothing’s going to change that.
Toggle: Thank you for such an honest and vulnerable question, Stud. Best of luck wooing the stable boy of your dreams!
Zooey: That’s all the time we have for today! But remember, if your heart’s full of burning desire and burning questions, drop us a line, and we’ll be happy to help you out!
Toggle: Thanks, friends, for listening to Zooier Than Thou. And sorry for the length of this episode! We’ll try to be a little bit more concise next time!
Fausty: You can subscribe to the podcast via our RSS feed: just point your favorite podcast client at rss.zoo.wtf and off you go.
Toggle: Our podcast’s website is, yep, zoo.wtf. Twitter @ZooierThanThou, and you can follow Zooey’s knotty advice @AskZooey.
Fausty: You can contact me, co-host Fausty, through his website, fausty.org, or by clicking your heels three times and saying, “I’m zooey and I wanna go home.” Maybe.
Toggle: All nonhumans who helped make this podcast happen promise that they haven’t done sexy things to their helpless human paramours… unless the humans consented in advance.
Fausty: Zooier Than Thou isn’t trademarked and you can share it with anyone you want – it’s provided under the ZPL licensing program.
Toggle: Human males and stallions don’t have bones in their penises – weird, huh? Dogs certainly think so!
Fausty: Be nice to each other. It’s the sexiest, zooiest thing you can do.
Toggle: Hell yeah! Stay Defiant, fellow zoos! We’ll see you next time you feel like howling at the moon!