Yet Another BOTched Episode!

Please note that parts of this transcript are automatically generated and contain many inaccuracies

Disclaimer

Announcer: The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains adult concepts and language, and is therefore unsuitable for listening by youngsters. So if the only host of The Price Is Right you can remember is Drew Carey, best to sit this one out.

Theme Song

Kynophile: Hey, what can I say?

You’ve got me howlin’ at the moon!

Whoa, don’t you know that love is wild when you’re a zoo?

We’re Zooier Than Thou!

Oh yeah!

S8E6 Intro

Brass: Greetings, fellow zoos, and welcome to another improvisational episode of Zooier Than Thou! I’m your big, metal dogfriend, Brass!

Tarro: And I’m your soft, fuzzy raccfriend, Tarro!

Brass: And we’ll be your hosts for this episode!

Tarro: For those of you hoping to hear the dulcet tones of The Stallion this month, unfortunately, our entire staff on The Ark was too busy to record this month!

Brass: We can’t exactly blame them, with so damn many cons happening all around the world at the same time, among all the other late-summer business that keeps our buds busy.

Tarro: Even so, we wanted to do something special for you, so we plugged Brass into a computer and made him download new episodes of Dropout TV, then gave him a special prompt to create a brand new game!

Brass: Stay tuned for tons of fun! But first, let’s get some emails out of the way!

Brass: our first email comes from Karo. That is with a K. It is not Tarro, our co-host. The subject from Karo is, “My experience watching your podcast.”

“Hi, I’m Karo. I have recently discovered my zooier side, and this podcast has helped me so much. I started watching from episode one, so far on episode four, since I need to be in private to watch it. I want to thank you, Toggle, and the rest, even though I haven’t seen them yet. You have made me, you have made me be confident about myself, and now I can say I am a proud zoo.

All the best, Karo.”

Tarro: thanks for tuning in

Brass: Yeah. Less than symbol three.

Tarro: if you’re only on episode four, I don’t know when this email came in, but, uh, you’ll probably hear this in about four years when you finally get to where we are on live episodes.

Brass: Yeah, you, you are not gonna encounter me for a long while.

Tarro: Uh-huh. No, me neither

Brass: you will hear one of my emails first though. That’ll be your first introduction to me, and it’s pretty much the same email as this but a little longer.

Tarro: Mm-hmm. If you’re watching in order as well, this advice probably won’t apply to you. But, for anyone else who’s listening to this and thinking, “Ooh, maybe I wanna start from episode one,” just so you know, the podcast has changed a lot. production quality is a lot higher than it used to be. So, if you do end up going back and listening to some of the older episodes, uh, I’m glad you listened to these first to get a better idea of where we ended up.

Brass: But yeah, I’m very glad to hear that the podcast has been helping you the same way it helped me, Carl. I had a very similar experience with it.

Tarro: Yeah, me too. only other thing I’d say is, consider adding a second R to your name. I feel like that really makes it sound cooler.

Brass: when you hear this, give us a response and tell us how to pronounce your name properly

Tarro: yeah. Thanks so much for writing in.

Brass: Yeah

Tarro: Our second email comes from Andy, with the subject Freshly Outed Zoo. Thankful for your podcast, and then a crying, smiling face. Andy writes, “Hi there. I’m Andy, and I’ve just recently came to terms with my zoosexuality after years of self-loathing and feeling guilty for my attraction, specifically horses and dogs, which I never would have accepted without outing myself to my new boyfriend and finding out that he is a zoosexual as well.

I knew about your podcast since it first got started, but I always saw it in a bad light due to being brainwashed by antis, making me feel like my attraction is something to be ashamed about. So with my recent coming to terms with myself, I thought to myself, ‘Why not give it a try?’

And OMG, I’m so glad I did. Listening to y’all and especially the guests has given me so much more confidence and doesn’t make me feel like I’m the only person feeling this way towards animals anymore. The podcast actually gave me so much more motivation to reach out and maybe meet some new zoos myself, even though I’m still a bit scared of meeting new people and being rejected because of being a trans woman.

Plus, I’m not quite sure where to even look for other zoos since I live in Germany and don’t know of any good forums. I’ve tried Zooville, but I don’t know if it’s still up since I haven’t been able to find it. so far I’ve binged the first season in a week, and I’m very sad about Fausty’s passing, but I’m still excited about how the podcast has evolved and changed over time and which new hosts I’ll get to know.

And I legit cannot wait to reach the current episodes, but I have a lot of catching up to do till then. P.S. Thank you all so much again. less than sign three.” If we’re not just saying heart.

Brass: Yeah. I’m very glad it did not go the way I thought it was gonna go with, freshly outed.

Tarro: Yeah,

Brass: I’m so glad it wasn’t what I thought it was gonna be

Tarro: I did not read through this email before, like, reading it, and in my brain I was, like, getting ready to put on the sad and, like, very, like, upset voice, and it only was good news. So shout

out.

Brass: yeah. For, for future reference not to freak people out, it’s called coming out, please.

You’re gonna give people panic attacks.

Tarro: I don’t think it was, like, designed this way, but I find it so funny that this person is saying they don’t know any zoos in Germany right after Eurofurence, the convention full of zoos. I wasn’t there this year, but I heard that they had a zoo party of, like, 100 and some people.

It was, like, packed. There were so many of us around. So, uh, yeah, you’re certainly not the only one in Germany at time of reading.

Brass: And in fact, actually I have a pretty good, I think I have a decent space for you here. Akito, my friend, actually runs a all German zoos Telegram chat give me a message at, @thebrassbulldog if and when you hear this, and I can, direct you to there

Tarro: Yeah, if you’re also starting at the first episode, then, you know, again, we’ll see you in a couple years. But when you hear this, Brass will probably still be around, and, that’ll be like your reward for making it to the end.

Brass: Yeah. I’m also sure you will probably find other spaces if it takes that long to get here, but, you know.

Tarro: Yep. It’s really cool. The zoo community has been growing so much, and I know there’s so many different groups and spaces out there. so hopefully you find something by the time that you hear this and, uh, you’re making lots of friends and that you are feeling more confident in yourself. Very cool that your partner ended up being a zoo as well.

it’s hard to think of a more, like, perfect random scenario than that.

Brass: Oh, genuinely, that is kind of a dream scenario for me, finding out a partner is also a zoo, assuming I, you know, enter in a relationship with a non-zoo.

Tarro: But also, like,

it’s not the first time I’ve heard of it happening. Like, I, I think I’ve heard it happening a couple times. So for how much of a miracle it is statistically, I do think that there, the idea of like a quote-unquote zoodare does kind of exist to some degree

Brass: kinda gravitate towards each other naturally it seems

Tarro: Yeah. Either that or you met in a furry space, which means it’s, like, fairly likely anyway.

Brass: Yeah. Is, isn’t it like one in 10 furries or something like that?

Tarro: Depends on who you ask, but it’s quite a few.

Brass: Yeah

Tarro: Anyway, thanks so much for writing in, Nancy. Uh, and yeah, wish you all the best

Brass: I, I wish you much luck, and don’t worry, the fear of interacting will slowly dissipate. It– I know it’s very intimidating at first, but once you get to know some people, it gets a whole lot easier

Tarro: Super true

Brass: Auf Wiedersehen Und danke.

Sponsors

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Yet Another BOTched Job!

Brass: Hello, and it’s time for a Bot-Bot-Bot-Botched Job! Our contestants tonight. He killed my first D&D character, it’s Kynophile.

Kynophile: No regrets. None

whatsoever.

Brass: Fuck you, you bastard. We found them in a trash can out back, it’s Taro.

Tarro: Hi, it’s me

Brass: And he could be your werewolf boyfriend, it’s Lyco

Lyko: Howdy.

Brass: Now, all of you know how this game is played, of course. I did, after all, throw a message in a bottle out into the ocean for you to get.

Tarro: Was it one message for the three of us, or w- did you throw

Brass: I figured it would find its way to you, all of you

Lyko: yeah, I received it.

Brass: Oh,

good. Well then you know exactly what’s going on.

Lyko: Uh, yeah.

Kynophile: Hmm

Brass: Well then in that case, let’s get started. Now, you will need at least one piece of information before we start. You each already have 10 points

Tarro: Yay!

Lyko: Yeah. That’s, that’s awesome.

Kynophile: Gonna write that down

Brass: it’s a good habit to be a note taker.

Lyko: Yeah.

Kynophile: It sure is.

Lyko: Every D&D campaign requires that, right?

Kynophile: At least one.

Brass: I have not taken a single note for any of the D&D campaigns I’ve been in.

Lyko: I’d say you’re killing No, you’ve just winged it with,

Kynophile: charisma

Brass: Yeah, basically.

Tarro: I wrote I have 11 points down.

Brass: you do not

Lyko: And why?

Kynophile: You do in base nine, but we’re not going there.

Brass: Now, who can do the best bark? Now, don’t start just yet,

’ cause you’re gonna be gambling your points. How much do each of you want to bet that you will be the best at barking?

Lyko: Do we have to impersonate a particular species?

Brass: nope, you just have to do a bark.

Lyko: Five

Brass: All right, five for Lyco. All right

Kynophile: I don’t know how many of these prompts require betting, so I’m going three. Let’s be conservative

Brass: very wise. Now, Taro.

Tarro: the other two are very confident and I’m a raccoon, so I’m gonna bet zero.

Brass: I’m afraid you can’t do That. There is a one-point minimum bet.

Tarro: I’m gonna bet one

Brass: Very well. Now, I think it’s only fair that, the most confident among you go first. Lyco

Lyko: Okay,

Brass: Ooh. that was bassy. I liked that.

Kynophile: Little screamy.

Tarro: I

did get A little horny, so I think That’s

Brass: Yeah.

Kynophile: Oh, well, good.

Brass: That’s very good. Kynophile, you’re next.

Tarro: Ooh.

Lyko: was actually, that was pretty good.

Brass: That was pretty solid.

Lyko: Yeah

Tarro: Ruff, ruff, I am kind of yappy, you know me.

Brass: You are. Now, for that one, I think, I think for that honestly great opening, Lyco, you take it here

Lyko: Oh well, thank you

Kynophile: Hey

Brass: And so, Leiko, you gain twice the amount of points that you bet for 10, and then you get two-thirds of how many points everyone else bet.

Lyko: Okay.

Tarro: so you get five plus two thirds of four.

Lyko: I can’t do that math. I’m a dog

Brass: Yeah, I’ve got a calculator.

Lyko: That’s epic. This is an extremely confusing point system.

Yeah, I,

Brass: Believe me, I wanted to make it easier, but Toggle said no.

Kynophile: Aw

Lyko: I

Brass: However, we do round up. So that is, 12 additional points for you.

Tarro: Holy.

Brass: However, you, you know, you’ve bet five of them, so, so you know, it’s five plus 12, so for 17.

All right. So that brings our points to Taro with, uh, you bet only one, so you have nine.

Tarro: Mm-hmm.

Brass: Kaino, you bet three, so y- and you got a pot of one point, so you are actually down to eight.

And Lyco, you are at 17

Lyko: Yay

Brass: I am gonna, be real with you. This is way h- way higher maintenance on the points than I wanted it to be.

Lyko: That’s, uh, that’s okay.

Kynophile: I

Lyko: That’s, uh, Toggle’s got, like, attention to detail.

Tarro: Yeah. I was really, really, hoping after that question Brass would just be like, “And that’s the game. Thanks for watching Zooier Than Thou.”

Brass: Ah, no, I’m not gonna cop out that easy. Your next prompt: Who can speak the longest without saying any filler words such as uh, so, anyway, or like? Now let me get a timer out. Why did we do this?

Kynophile: you’re going to have to give up. I am very confident that I’ll be able to do just a recitation of something for minutes upon minutes at a time

Lyko: That is actually, uh, a, a good question. Does this have to be original qu- content or, or can we just, uh, do monologues?

Brass: Um, I mean, you can do it. It’s just speak with the longest without saying any filler words. I, I would prefer if you, if you, uh, did the improvisation ‘cause that’s kind of the point. But

Tarro: Me looking up the full Bee Movie script and just going for it word for word.

Lyko: Jesus.

Brass: If you

do that, I will disqualify you and have you lose.

Kynophile: But you’ve got to think bee, Brass. Think bee.

Brass: I prefer artificial sweeteners made by man.

Lyko: God, that movie was so cringe.

Kynophile: It was

Lyko: It was, like, just b- bizarre

Brass: All right, so how many points are people betting?

Tarro: Five.

Brass: Five for

Taro.

Kynophile: I am terribly sorry, but I just have to bid eight.

Tarro: Ooh

Kynophile: You have no idea the depths of my ability to ramble on needlessly.

Brass: mean, I

kinda do. I’m one of your D&D players.

Kynophile: Exactly

Brass: And have you figured out?

Lyko: I’ll do four.

Brass: Four. All right.

Lyko: I’d side like in a, in a previous life was a classics major

Tarro: Brass, have you figured out what happens if someone runs out of points? ‘Cause it’s gonna be an issue in, like, a second here.

Brass: Oh, yes, I have

Tarro: Okay

Kynophile: Well, good

Brass: All right. Since you are the most confident,

Kaino, you’re up starting now

Kynophile: This seems like a very bad idea to give me the rein to get through this entire sentence without going through a single filler word. After all, the entire point of this is to get some sort of maximum here, but if the first person is doing it, then there is no maximum for me to set, which means ultimately that I’m going to have to continue rambling on and on about various things.

For example, I did just buy a little golden retriever puppy Lego set. I have constructed the first of seventeen bags of it, which took me about an hour. I expect to take about fifteen more hours in that time. And when that’s done, it’s supposed to be a fully articulated golden retriever puppy complete with a little, uh, tongue. Whoop, I screwed up.

Brass: Right, so we have on your, time 47.43.

Tarro: I was ready to go, like, make a sandwich, have a nap. You were, like, bragging.

Kynophile: attack

Brass: Taro is next confident, or next most confident I should say. You can start now

Tarro: Howdy, folks. Today I would like to tell you guys about a game that I really love called League of Legends. League of Legends is a game developed by Riot Games and owned partially by Tencent, which is a Chinese, uh, publ- uh, fuck!

No!

No!

Kynophile: Oh, no.

Brass: now

now it, took me like a second to hit the button, but I will still give you the time that I have hit it at, which is 13:50.

Tarro: hell?

Brass: And finally, Leiko, you’re up, uh,

starting

now

Lyko: Tell me, O Muse, of that ingenious hero who traveled far and wide after he had sacked the famous town of Troy. Many cities did he visit, and many were the nations with whose manner and customs he was acquainted. Moreover, he suffered much by sea while trying to save his own life and bring his men safely home.

But do what he might be could not save his men, for they perished through their own sheer folly in eating the cattle of the son of Apollo, so the god prevented them from ever reaching home. My favorite film is Blade Runner, and I will tell you why. It’s based on a Philip K. Dick novel that was thusly titled, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

Brass: I will say you have beaten Kaino’s time by now.

So

Tarro: Nice job

Brass: you,

your final time at the time I stopped it was 49.90.

Lyko: Blade Runner for like another minute.

Tarro: I could talk about League for an hour, but

I fucking,

Lyko: let me talk about Blade Runner?

Brass: All right. So with the least points, Taro, you are now at four.

hold on, I need to do the math now. God, this is terrible.

Lyko: Toggle out here forcing math upon us.

Brass: This

could have been so easy. I wanted to just ha- I wanted just the w- the winner to get… I I w- my initial proposal for splitting the pot was just gonna be 50/50 on the pot, but no, it had to be two thirds and one third.

Tarro: Brass, this is

your game show. You can change the rules

Brass: Nope, it’s too

late. It’s set now

Kynophile: bylaws. Can’t break them

Brass: All right, you are now at 34, Lyco

Lyko: Yay

Brass: I have brought out a scientific calculator just so I can set up the formula and just plug in the numbers later.

Lyko: Honestly, the fact that you can set up a formula in a scientific calculator, speaks to your qualifications.

Tarro: Yeah

Kynophile: is nice. Excel would have worked better, but here we are

Brass: and Kyno, you get six points

Kynophile: Yay. I lose nothing because I’m overconfident.

Lyko: Yeah, now you’re still winning.

Kynophile: No,

that’s not how numbers work

Lyko: Never mind then.

Brass: Yeah.

Kynophile: You have a bigger number and thus are a better person.

Tarro: Oh no, I’m the

worst person

Kynophile: Yeah, but we haven’t decided whether the winner has the most points.

Lyko: I don’t know the metrics.

Brass: if you, if you wanna go for least amount of points, I won’t stop you.

Kynophile: Great.

Tarro: I’m working on it

Brass: Now, who can guess the closest to the real number of D20s that I personally own?

Kynophile: Oh, God

Tarro: All

Brass: Bets, please.

Tarro: I’ll bet two

Brass: Two for Taro

Kynophile: I will also bet two because there’s such a wide range there

Lyko: Am I allowed to ask a qualifying question before I bet?

Brass: No.

Lyko: Okay, then you know what? I’ll, I’ll say two as well.

Brass: Ooh, very conservative be- bets, especially from, coming from the person with 34 points.

Kynophile: Well,

you don’t keep your winnings by betting them all on weird things

Brass: Since you are all evenly confident, I will just go down the list in the order I have you. Taro, you’re up first.

Tarro: It’s how many you own total, right? I’m gonna say nine

Brass: All right. Kaino, how many do you think I have?

Kynophile: I think that you have been very serious about your hobby, and I’m going to say 17.

Brass: You really, really think I’m a dice goblin, huh?

Kynophile: You

could be Laiko, how many dice do you think I have, specifically D20s?

Lyko: Closest in general? you have 11

Brass: 11. Well, I am sorry to inform all of you that none of you got it right. However, Taro is the closest at nine.

The r- the real answer of the number of D20s I own is six.

Lyko: Okay. Now is that, is that- That you own that you know the whereabouts of.

Brass: that is the total I own. I know where

all of them are.

Lyko: hey, you’re, you’re better than me.

Tarro: Brass, does that mean that we can 69?

Brass: Sure.

Tarro: Yay.

Brass: Now,

as cl- as

Tarro: feels so good to get points.

Brass: Taro, you have gained eight points, bringing you to 10

Tarro: Holy shit. I’m rich

Brass: Leiko, as second place, you get, one point, bringing you to 33. And Kaino, you don’t get any points, leaving you at four

Kynophile: Number of death in some cultures. Let’s go

Lyko: Hey

Brass: Now, for this next prompt, who can sell me this can of vegan dog food?

Kynophile: when you say this can,

because this is audio…

Brass: yeah, as in, as in this is, like, the standard interview question of

can

you sell me this pen? But it’s with

vegan dog food

Tarro: Mm,

I’ll bet five

Brass: five

for Taro.

Lyko: I’ll bet five

Brass: All right.

Kynophile: I suppose I will bet one, ‘ cause I don’t know how to sell that

Brass: All right. Taro, Laiko, you are equally confident, I will go down the list in the order that you are. Laiko can go first.

Lyko: I haven’t met the customer yet. I just want that to be clear.

walking in clear-eyed and not under the influence of cocaine.

Tarro: You’re doing sales so wrong already.

Lyko: Oh my God. Anyway Hi. I’d like to let you know about this new non-meat alternative we have for your canine companions. Now, I know that you yourself have your own dietary restrictions. Uh, perhaps you don’t eat meat for ethical reasons. Did you know that canines can subsist on basically any high protein diet?

So… Here I have for you a meat-free substitute that is gonna provide your canine companion with all the nutrients that they need to live a full, healthy, and active life, freeing you of any ethical conundrum that you might have regarding your own dietary restrictions. You can provide them with all the nutrients they need whilst maintaining a household that meets your ethical requirements.

Interested?

Brass: Well, tell me one thing. Does it have B12 in it?

Lyko: Is that a vitamin?

Brass: Yes.

Kynophile: Why…

Lyko: Then yes, it does

Brass: I love the vegan dog food salesman not knowing what B12, vitamin B12

Lyko: Hey, I unplugged my headphones halfway through that pitch, so

Kynophile: I’m not here to listen, I’m here to talk

Lyko: That’s right.

Brass: you had a very good pitch, but you also didn’t know what vitamin B12 was.

So I think I’m gonna put you at a six out of 10 on that.

Lyko: That’s a… I’ll

Kynophile: Dang

Tarro: Could be

worse.

Lyko: It could be worse. above half.

Tarro: True, true.

Lyko: Yeah.

Tarro: All right. Hey, Brass, so great to meet you today. Thanks for meeting me. How’s everything going?

Brass: Oh, you know, pretty good. How’s it going with you?

Tarro: Pretty good, pretty good. Uh, I’m really excited to talk to you about this potential partnership between our brand and the Zoo and Me podcast. as, your audience is mostly zoophiles, right?

Brass: Uh, yeah, I believe so.

Tarro: Okay. And you’d say that probably zoophiles have dogs in their lives, you know, that they care about, that they love, that kind of thing?

Brass: I mean, it’s a, it’s a pretty good probability, yeah.

Tarro: Okay. do you have a dog yourself?

Brass: Yeah, I do.

Tarro: Okay. And, and do you love them?

Brass: Of course

Tarro: In that case, I think you’ll be really, really interested in our product. We’re launching a new vegan dog food, fully nutritionally loaded with all the things that traditional dog foods have in the meat contents that you’d have to worry about not getting with vegan dog food options. and

Brass: as?

Tarro: Well, such as B12, um, as well as a lot of like proteins and ac- antioxidants and, you know, all the good stuff. but the thing that I’m really, really excited about is, uh, with this sort of sponsorship opportunity that I’m presenting to you, our team is excited to give away 100 bags of dog food on the podcast to your listeners.

Is that something that you might be interested in?

Brass: I mean, yeah, it s- it definitely sounds interesting. H-how, what are the ter- what are the terms and conditions of this?

Tarro: No, nothing like that. We just, uh, we’re hoping that you’ll give a shout-out to our product, if you like it, of course. We’ll send you and, uh, your co-hosts some bags as well, just so you can try it out and get a feel for the product. And then, uh, if it’s something that you find that you enjoy and your dogs enjoy and everything, then, uh, we’ll do a giveaway for your audience as well.

I think you’ll really, really love it. How’s that sound?

Brass: Yeah, sounds pretty good.

Tarro: Cool. Great. Thanks so much.

Brass: Now,

Lyko: That was so much better.

Brass: yeah, it

was, It

was a

Lyko: that was so much better. Oh, asking qualifying questions. you did all the things.

Brass: I, I will say, I asked you to sell me the dog food, not a sponsorship for the dog food.

Tarro: Are you– okay, but you’re taking the dog food

Lyko: Yeah.

Brass: You’re gifting it to me.

Lyko: Well, sometimes you gotta spend money to make money.

Tarro: Exactly.

You’re sold on the

Lyko: No, I’m, I’m on your team for this one. That

was good

Brass: Uh, fair enough. I will, I will allow it then. However, I’m not giving you a full 10 out of 10 simply because I did ask for the dog food, not a sponsorship.

Tarro: That’s fine, that’s fine,

that’s fine

Brass: And finally, Kaino, you’re up

Kynophile: I’ve heard so much about raw food diets for your dogs. You know, whole meat straight from the bone, supposedly more primal, more in tune with nature. No, no, no, no, no, no. That was maybe based on the wolf diet. But dogs are not wolves. Dogs are the descendants of wolves that came to us for food, that ate from our leftovers, and that essentially grew up with us as a species together. So a dog doesn’t eat like a wolf. They don’t just get pure meat and that’s everything to them. They eat a lot of the same things we do, to the point where their stomachs can digest so much plant food, so much nutrition from all of the different crops that we have developed as co-species over thousands of years. So when you look at that can of vegan dog food and you look at the ingredients, you say, “ Oats, barley, taurine? What is all this scientific mumbo jumbo?” But no, look past all of that. It’s about the dog eating what you eat, and about the two of you coming closer together, being a real family, being able to eat the same things together and having no qualms about it. Nothing ethically wrong whatsoever, just good old-fashioned farming the way Ma and Pa used to do. So what do you say? Are you going to treat your dog like a savage, or are you going to treat them like the loving, warm partner you always knew they could be?

Brass: That was genuinely

so heartfelt.

Lyko: you understood the assignment.

Brass: I’m giving you a 10 out of 10 on that

one. Yeah.

Lyko: Yeah,

Brass: Which means you get double your point, plus, the, uh, pool, which brings you to, 12 points. Congratulations

Kynophile: I’m back

Brass: Tarl, as you are in second place, you get the remaining part of the pool of four points,

bring you, bringing you to nine. I will say I’m rounding up and down on these.

They, they are decimals, but I’m not dealing with that shit.

Lyko: Now decimals aren’t real. Frankly, like a num- ber either ends in five or zero or it’s not real.

Brass: Now, I hope you enjoyed that vocal warmup because it’s time for

our mini game.

Tarro: Oh,

no.

Brass: I’m gonna be honest, I completely forgot to come up with a fun name for this one

Tarro: We’ll do it on the spot. You’re making us do improv?

Lyko: Yeah, yeah

Brass: The, yeah, the, the point is I’m making you do it ‘cause I can’t.

Tarro: Oh, okay.

Okay. That’s fair. That’s fair. Yeah

Brass: But if we have to come up with a cop-out answer, just, it’s just karaoke, but you’re improving it.

Lyko: Oh.

Brass: Now, there are a choice of six songs. We have…

a song clip in the style of Frank Sinatra about doing it your way.

Kynophile: Ah. Not my way, your way. Your second

Brass: option is a pop punk song clip about the oppression of not being allowed on the bed.

Your third option is a country song clip about a cowboy whose horse dumped him Your fourth is a Disney musical song clip about getting ready for a cross-species wedding. Your fifth is a blues song clip about going to the vet. And your final option is a song clip in the style of the Beastie Boys about squeaky toys. Now, before you pick your options, I’m going to ask you to bet

Tarro: I’ll bet five.

Brass: Taro had five

Kynophile: Okay I’ll go nine ‘cause I’ve got that nine on the end of mine

Brass: Ooh, impressive, impressive. and Lyco?

Lyko: I’m gonna say eight

Brass: Now, Kano, since you are the most confident, you get to choose your song first.

Kynophile: I’m thinking the Disney cross-species wedding. That sounds magical

Brass: Very fun, very fun. Lyco’s next,

Lyko: I’ll do my way

Tarro: I’ll take the country song.

Brass: okay.

Kynophile: boy.

Brass: All right. Kaino, take it away when you are ready

Kynophile: Okay. You sniff my butt and I scratch your back. You slobber on my face and then I kiss you right back. When we go out, the neighbors shout they’ve seen you on the track. Let’s face it, buddy, opposites attract. For if you tied my fur and I tied your flesh, together we’d be ever after family. The wedding’s coming soon enough we’ll be abstracted. And buddy we’re gonna be ring to

Brass: All right, that is 30 seconds.

Kynophile: Okay Very good. Very good. However, I will hold off on judgment on this one b- until everyone has gone through so we have some comparison. Now, Lyco, you’re up next.

Lyko: Ah!

Brass: Start when you are ready

Lyko: Okay. And now my path is clear, and what I do is mostly certain. My mate, I’ll make it clear, the balls you chase are yours I’m certain.

I’ve faced it all. I’ve seen the roads that I would travel without you.

Brass: It is, it has been 30 seconds.

Lyko: Okay

Brass: I’m so

sorry we didn’t let you get to the chorus.

I

definitely see what you were going for

Kynophile: Your Way is kind of a slow,

somber song, so that, Yeah. S- sorry, I did s- I did clarify at the beginning, it’s

Brass: no more than did.

And Taro,

Tarro: I realized after picking mine that I don’t like country music and never listen to it

Lyko: Yeah,

Brass: Well,

Lyko: was g- I was gonna do Old Town Road, ‘cause I’m like, “That’s a country song,” but

Tarro: All right.

Lyko: I guess not.

Tarro: pretend this is country.

Lyko: All right

Brass: uh, okay

Kynophile: Okay

Tarro: I, can I, can I start? Am I going? I got kicked off the saddle after miles that we have traveled. Yeah, you’re treating me like cattle. You’re the horse that stole my heart. I’m left here in the dust and, girl, I just can’t trust any mare that I am riding on this road that I call love. Ah, times back in the barn.

Oh, I know you’d never do me harm. Beer cool in the icebox and hay back in my truck. God bless the troops and God bless horses too. But now my mare has

left me, and now I’m feeling blue

Lyko: You fucking crushed

that. That, that was so good.

Brass: Yeah, you,

you have taken first place, good. Turns out

Tarro: writing monthly covers helps you write music on the fly. Let’s fucking

go. do you know? was, that was solid. That was solid. And who doesn’t love a horse, right?

True, true,

true

I’m scared of horses.

Yeah, I

think

they’ll kill me

Lyko: No, they’re gentle.

Brass: Now, I hate to do this to you, Hulajko, because we didn’t let you get to the chorus, but unfortunately I did make it

clear. So second

place will

Lyko: yeah.

Brass: to Kaino.

Lyko: That’s, yeah, that’s A-okay

Tarro: It’s

tough when you pick a song with, like, slow lyrics.

Lyko: Uh, one, I’m not gonna lie, like I frankly only got… I only had like two lines after that

written. So there wa- there was, you know, some strategic pausing that didn’t factor in the time limit, so

Brass: All right, Taro, for winning you’ve gained 25 points

Tarro: That’s so many points. What the fuck?

Brass: Kaino, you have gained seven, bringing the

current point totals to Taro with 29, Kaino with 27, and Leiko with 15.

Lyko: Fucking Rough. Indeed. For at least some of you.

Kynophile: Mm-hmm. Can we go back to barking?

Brass: Nope

Lyko: Oh, damn.

Brass: Now we’re on to round two, and we’re going to be introducing a new aspect.

Lyco, since you are in last place,

you have the unfortunate and fortunate circumstance of having a modifier placed on you as punishment for

being in last place

Kynophile: Oh no.

Lyko: That’s, well, obviously it’s a positive modifier due to my untethered charisma

Kynophile: Yeah Lyco, you are going to be doing this next prompt doing your best Mickey Mouse impression.

Lyko: Jesus fucking Christ.

Kynophile: Oh, boy.

Lyko: So you can hear my voice

Tarro: God, I didn’t get this. I don’t know what I’d do

Kynophile: I know. Okay. is that just like a go? A jump?

Brass: That’s just how you’re going to have to do this prompt.

Now, this prompt is who can name the most dogs without repeating? We will be going down the line in elimination

Tarro: To be clear, are we doing breeds or like names of dogs?

Brass: breeds.

Or just generally types of dogs.

Lyko: God damn. Okay, so

Tarro: Medium

Lyko: but I’m being judged on both metrics, right?

Brass: Uh, yeah.

If you can do a great job you know, doing your Mickey Mouse impression, then y- it will factor towards you getting more points, or potentially, you know, being a

higher ranked higher

Lyko: Okay. Okay.

Brass: what are the bets?

Lyko: I’m, I’m, going last, and damn you if you say otherwise.

Brass: when someone repeats one, they’re out

and if you name a breed that I don’t know, I will be looking it up to fact-check you. So you

can’t just make shit up on the spot

Lyko: my

buddy managed to get a lewd license plate approved by making up a dog breed.

Brass: All right, so what

are the bets?

Tarro: Wand

Brass: One for Taro.

Kynophile: I’ll bet four.

Brass: Four for Kaino. And Lyco?

Lyko: I’m hurting a little bit. I’ll go five again.

Kynophile: All right.

Brass: big spender.

All right. big or go home

Fair enough. Fair enough. all right. Lyco, we’re starting with you

Lyko: Oh, goddammit. Okay. ho-ho, Alaskan Malamute

Brass: All right, Kaino?

Kynophile: Husky

Brass: Taro?

Tarro: G-SHOCK

Brass: Leiko?

Lyko: Ho ho, daschund

Kynophile: Belgian Malinois.

Brass: Kaino? Wow.

Tarro: Toodle.

Brass: Taro. All right, and do you know the order? Keep going.

Lyko: Staffordshire Terrier.

Kynophile: American Pit Bull

Tarro: Newfie

Lyko: Miniature Border Collie

Kynophile: Border collie.

Brass: Fair enough. Fair.

Tarro: Um, Leonberger.

Brass: Leonberger?

Tarro: Yeah.

Brass: I don’t know this one, so I’m gonna look

Tarro: That’s one of my favorite dog

breeds. What the

fuck? They’re, big They’re so big and floofy

Brass: It’s just not one I have heard of. All right, it’s real. We’re good to go.

Tarro: Sorry you have bad taste in dogs. I don’t know what to tell you.

Brass: it, hey, it has nothing to do with taste, I just haven’t heard of it.

Kynophile: Hmm. I haven’t tasted it yet.

Brass: Now quit

stalling so you can think.

Lyko: Minnie’s favorite dog is a barbat?

Brass: A barbette?

Kynophile: Really? Hmm. I would think a basset hound

Tarro: Hmm. know Minnie like I do

What about a bulldog?

Lyko: Oh, did I not say Barbette?

Brass: You And then we went around

you, then the other two also said something.

Okay

Kynophile: Just Wolftown? we’re gonna go with Chihuahua

Tarro: Beauceron.

Brass: Beauceron. You’re, you’re na- you’re naming a lot of ones I don’t know. What is a Beauceron?

Tarro: Oh, they’re so– They may be my favorite dog. They’re so

Brass: How do you spell that?

Tarro: B-E-A-U-C-E-R-O-N

Brass: yep, it’s real. We’re good to go.

Lyko: Pluto’s best friend is a Bernese Mountain Dog.

Brass: Kinda

Kynophile: I have not seen these particular cartoons, but, Labrador Retriever

Tarro: Uh, Australian shepherd

Lyko: Boston terrier.

Ho-ho.

Tarro: I do like that you’re putting less and less effort

Brass: You’re… Yeah, if, if you, if you continue to be this lazy with it, I am going to

Tarro: the keywords.

Brass: you for failing the, failing the punishment

Lyko: I’m trying to add narrative “

Tarro: Hey, it’s me, Mickey Mouse. I’ve smoked a lot.”

Lyko: That’s…

Kynophile: Uh-huh.

Lyko: Goddammit.

Kynophile: Right. So Chow. Chow. Yep, Chow Chow right.

Tarro: Shepsky.

Kynophile: Isn’t that a crossbreed of two things?

Brass: but it is still technically its own breed

Tarro: It’s in

Kynophile: Is it? Okay. Oh, great

Lyko: The only dog I know that can beat Bluto in a boxing match is a boxer.

Brass: All right.

Lyko: ho.

Kynophile: Now you’re referencing Popeye.

Lyko: Oh, goddammit

Kynophile: so, guess I’ll go with mastiff.

Brass: Okay.

Tarro: A brass bulldog.

Brass: That’s not a breed, that is

me. You are eliminated.

Tarro: I’d

breed you. I don’t know what to

Lyko: Wolf Would it

Brass: I know, but still. All right, it is now down to you, Lego and Kaino Michael, you’re f- you’re up.

Lyko: my…

Nope, okay.

Brass: four

Lyko: My creator, Walt Disney, uh, preferred Caucasian shepherd dogs

Tarro: sounds kind of racial.

Kynophile: It is, but also it’s a real breed.

rat terrier

Brass: feel like I haven’t heard that one before, but yeah, it’s, it’s good. All right. Lego?

Lyko: In the Mouse of House, we only have chow chows.

Brass: You up? Nope, you’re

Kynophile: I literally said

that one. damn it!

Also, the Mouse of House isn’t a thing.

Lyko: The Mouse of House is a thing.

It was a cartoon. It was House- Yeah. Oh my God

Kynophile: It was a nightclub. You worked there, Mickey. You

owned it You own

Lyko: It’s, full disclosure, I’m not the actual Mickey Mouse

Tarro: Oh, really?

Lyko: Yeah. I’ve been impersonating him this whole time. I know that that’s, pretty convincing. prepare for a cease and desist.

God dang it, I can’t believe we said chow chow already

Tarro: I’m shocked that I did as well as I did in there, ‘cause I’m

so shit at name all of the things.

Lyko: I’m cringe and I watched Westminster. I could have gone for, like, another hour.

Kynophile: Damn Except I didn’t, yeah.

Brass: All right. So, Kaino, for being the best at that, you get, 15 points, bringing you to 38.

Kynophile: K

Brass: for being in second place, you’ve gained three. And for doing at least an attempt at a Mickey voice, it was not the best at times, but I will give you two additional points,

Kynophile: Mickey’s been at it for 100 years. Leave him alone.

Lyko: I’m a 245 pound, male. There’s only so much high pitch I can do without the assistance of helium.

Kynophile: Jim Cummings is Winnie the Pooh. I don’t

Brass: Yeah. Bringing

you

to 15. Taro, you remain at 28.

Tarro: Yay.

Brass: Now, who can come up with the best tagline for Zooier Than Thou? Bets, please

Tarro: I’ll bet five?

Brass: All right, Tarou’s bet five.

Kynophile: Three

Brass: Three for Kaino. Leiko?

Lyko: I’ll, I’ll throw another five out

Brass: And five. B- all right. Get- trying to get back into the lead. I respect it

Lyko: Yeah

Brass: All right. Now, Lyco, you are unfortunately still in last place, so

we are gonna have to give you another modifier

Tarro: is this just like a thing

every round?

Brass: Yep, it’s a…

new, one every time.

Kynophile: it’s a

punishment.

Lyko: Capitalism Manifest and the Yes

Tarro: I’m betting one every time. I do not wanna get a

punishment.

Lyko: the analogy.

Kynophile: I mean, capitalism does subsume all critique of

itself into itself, but here we

Brass: however, unlike capitalism this actually gives you a chance to get ahead

now, Lyco, you’re gonna have to do a valley girl voice

Lyko: That’s hon- honestly, like, a lot easier being a lifelong homosexual.

Brass: That’s fair. That’s kinda why it was there in the first place.

Lyko: Yeah, yeah.

Maybe we can code switch

Brass: Taro, you’re up.

Tarro: Zooier Than Thou, the number one podcast for people that fuck dogs

Brass: Solid. Lyco

Lyko: Zooier Than Thou. So it’s, like, not actually about specific zoophilia. It’s honestly more about social justice, equity, and living an ethical existence while, like, allowing people to be themselves. And, like, honestly, what is more fetch than that?

Brass: I feel like I’m being indoctrinated into a cult.

Tarro: that’s a good tagline.

Brass: tagline. Kind of.

Kynophile: Zooier Than Thou. Zoo before it was cool

Brass: Ooh, solid. But we also get a second chance So Taro, you’re up again.

Tarro: Zooier Than Thou. All our balls are really huge

Brass: All right. Leko?

Lyko: Zooier Than Thou, Make Fetch Happen

Brass: Ooh,

that’s, that’s a much better tagline than your first one. Kaino.

Kynophile: Zooier Than Thou, vowing our lovers since 1832

Brass: Vowing our lovers.

Kynophile: It’s a French linguistic thing

for some reason. I, don’t know.

Lyko: I see you.

Kynophile: Okay

Brass: I, I will say, like, uh, how your second one was definitely the best one, however, your first was also the worst one. So I’m g-

so I’m gonna, I’m going to even it out and put it in second place.

Lyko: All right.

Brass: And since you’ve done a very good Hood, uh, Valley Girl accent, I will give you three additional points

Tarro: Wow

Lyko: you

Kynophile: A.

Brass: And for first, but I think I’m gonna have to go with Kaino.

Kynophile: Oh.

Oh, nice

Brass: All right.

Tarro: Anyone who fucks dogs, stop listening to this podcast.

Kynophile: Why? ‘Cause that’s not a good tagline, apparently.

Brass: Kaino, you earn 15 points, bringing

you to 50. rich get richer. and Lyco, for your contributions, you’ve gained seven, bringing you to 17. you are still in last place, but you are slowly catching up. Perhaps you

can make Taro do this soon.

Tarro: Please no.

Lyko: Well, I did for the first half of the game.

Brass: Unfortunately, that was the first portion of the

game that did not have the wheel.

Lyko: Oh, there’s a wheel now?

Brass: I have a wheel that I spin for it

Kynophile: Oh

I thought we were driving

Brass: No. All right. Including this episode and all bonus episodes, who can get the closest to the actual number of Zoot episodes that there are?

Bets, please.

Tarro: I’ll bet four

Kynophile: I will go with five

Lyko: five

Brass: All right, and Lyco, let’s find out what your new punishment is.

Lyko: what is my new punishment? What, kind of voice do I have to say the number in?

Brass: You need to end every single sentence with, “And I am a zoophile and I like dogs.”

Lyko: Hey, you know what? I’ve been in groups where you’ve had to do stuff like that. I would wager there’s approximately 96 episodes and I’m a zoophile and, uh, I really like dogs

Brass: All right.

Tarro: I’m gonna guess 106.

Brass: and Kyna? 106, all

Tarro: Counting bonus episodes, right?

Brass: Yes,

counting this episode and bonus episodes.

Tarro: 106

Brass: right.

Kynophile: I believe given the timeline of events that I’m familiar with, I’ll go with 102

Brass: 102.

Tarro: And just for the record, whoever’s the farthest away is a fake fan.

Lyko: don’t actually like dogs.

You’ve been pretending all this time for social clout.

Brass: Hey, hey, you, punishment buddy.

Lyko: Yeah

Brass: You need to end your sentences.

Lyko: Oh, um, Ah.

I don’t think you really like dogs. You’ve been pretending for social clout, and I’m a zoophile and I like dogs.

Brass: Better.

Tarro: the first time I’ve been accused of that, which feels crazy.

Brass: True, same, same.

Lyko: Uh, yeah

Brass: all right. the actual answer was 144,

Lyko: Oh,

Brass: meaning Karo is first and Kino is in second. I’m sorry, Laiko, you remain in last place.

Tarro: Toggle, you hear that? I am a real fan.

Lyko: It doesn’t matter how much you like dogs. you’ll stay in last place. This is America. You can love dogs the most

And still squalor at the bottom

Brass: All right. For winning that round, Taro, you have gained 17 points. You get 36 points total

Tarro: Wow. Am I

winning?

Brass: No

you’re not. Kaino, you have gained five points bringing you to 50. And Laiko, you really tripped up on

that, on. that. You only gain one point bringing you to 13

Lyko: Okay.

Brass: The punishment does always guarantee you points. You at least have that.

Lyko: That’s… But does it really?

Brass: All right. Our next prompt: list the most types of birds, or who can list the most types of birds without repeating

Tarro: Oh my God, why is it another list

Kynophile: Really? things?

Lyko: goddamn it.

Tarro: Okay, I’ll bet four.

Brass: Four. All

right.

Kynophile: I suppose I’ll bet six

Brass: Six, big money. And Lego?

Lyko: I’m in that uncanny valley. See, this is why people commit crimes.

Brass: Now, I will say, if you

bet more and win, you do get more points

Lyko: Well, exactly. Exactly. You know, it’s, it’s like a risk versus reward type thing. what kind of nonsense I have to, capitulate to during

Brass: Very well. That, is a fair question to

Lyko: I think so.

Brass: Your punishment is you must speak seductively for the entire prompt

Tarro: That’s easy.

Lyko: Oh.

Tarro: that.

Kynophile: really? Is that

Lyko: Okay. That’s not too bad.

That’s…

Tarro: The funniest option is to just bring back the Mickey Mouse voice for this.

Lyko: there’s nothing seductive about my Mickey Mouse voice. I like it. Even if you’re into Mickey Mouse,

I’m not, I’m not selling

Kynophile: More of a Goofy

fan? I get it.

Brass: the punishments

range in how horrible they are. There is in fact one that we have a, like, like a backup in case you are utterly unwilling to do it

of

Lyko: I’m gonna,

Brass: that

bad.

Lyko: I’m gonna channel my inner, pent-up NPR host and just, throw some ASMR in there

Tarro: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm

Kynophile: Perfect

Lyko: and hope that that carries me

Brass: up first is Kaino. Take us away with types of birds. And again, I will be looking up any ones I don’t know.

Kynophile: Rosette

Brass: I’ve heard give up. What the fuck? good.

Tarro: Uh, falcon.

Brass: About… All right, Tarl, you’re not next. Lyco’s next

Lyko: Albatross All right.

Tarro: Falcon.

Brass: Okay, you’re fine with that. I know.

Kynophile: Chicken

Lyko: gray parrot.

Tarro: Farrow.

Lyko: Hummingbird

Tarro: Bald eagle

Brass: Kyno?

Kynophile: Turkey

Lyko: Blue Jay

Tarro: Ostrich

Kynophile: Robin All right.

Lyko: Western barn owl.

Tarro: emu.

Kynophile: cassowary

Brass: Ooh,

Tarro: penguin

Brass: All right.

Kynophile: Raven.

Brass: Raven, all right.

Lyko: Cardinal.

Tarro: Crow.

Kynophile: Freaking stole mine. Uh, magpie

Brass: Okay.

Lyko: The most romantic of birds, the dove

Brass: Hmm.

Tarro: kiwi bird

Brass: Nice.

Kynophile: African swallow.

Brass: The I appreciate the reference,

however, there is no such thing as an African swallow.

You

are out

Kynophile: No. Okay.

Lyko: that’s honestly, that was, that was great. That was great.

you know the flying speed?

Brass: No.

Lyko: Okay

Brass: so our first out is Kaino. All

Lyko: A sparrow

Brass: Nope. Taro had that.

Yep, Taro said it. So no way. What the

Tarro: fuck? I had two more ready

to go. Holy shit. I just

came a little. That’s crazy

Kynophile: Also, fun fact, I’ve been reading through Le, Les Miserables lately, and some landlady there in French mispronounces rouge de gorge to loupe de gorge. So she tries to say robin, and what she actually says is translated to throat wolves

Tarro: Interesting.

Kynophile: And I’m sure that there are many listeners who would wonder where to find a Loup de Gorge

Tarro: Well, DM me for my address.

Lyko: So I’m rocking eight

Brass: after this round, Taro, for winning, you’ve gained 18 points, bringing you to 50, putting you in first place. Kaino, you

didn’t gain anything. You’re in f- you’re at 44 in second. Laiko, you’ve gained five points plus an additional three for doing a very good seductive voice, bringing you to 16. You are still in last, I’m afraid

Lyko: Well, yeah.

Brass: Now, you’re gonna hate me for this one.

Lyko: Am I?

Brass: hold on. Make su-

Kynophile: More than he already does?

Lyko: don’t hate anybody

Kynophile: Oh, good

Lyko: You’re doing great. I’m, I’m having a lot of

Kynophile: Hey. Mm-hmm.

Lyko: I’m very happy to be included

Brass: I’m glad

Kynophile: Guest.

Tarro: Yeah, this is always a blast.

Brass: Now, this one is another one of naming things in elimination.

Tarro: No, I who can name the most zoot songs? This is going to be much shorter. Who can name the

Lyko: Oh, Jesus. like just songs that have been featured on the podcast?

Tarro: I’m betting one ‘cause I don’t think more than like one of my songs has been on the podcast.

Lyko: Girl, right? I’m like…

Brass: Laiko, would you like to know what your punishment is before betting again?

Lyko: Yes, I would.

Brass: All right. the wheel for you

Lyko: Okay.

Brass: you must do this prompt doing your best impression of a hard-boiled noir detective.

Tarro: Oh, you’ve got that easy.

Kynophile: This is the last one

Lyko: I don’t, I don’t think it’s gonna help me. Oh my God

Tarro: Preston, does it count if we don’t know the name of the song, but we can gesture vaguely to what the song is?

Brass: Okay, w- if I get the gist of what you’re getting and it’s close enough, I will give it to you

Tarro: What

if we can sing the song word for word, but just don’t have any idea what it’s called?

Brass: I really can’t do that for you, I’m afraid.

Tarro: Damn

Kynophile: I’m betting one

Brass: One. All right

Lyko: may, may I have the standings one more time?

Brass: Uh, Taro with 50, Kaino with 44, Lyco with 16.

Lyko: Woof. All right. I’ll do, I’ll do two.

Tarro: Confident.

Brass: money, big money.

Lyko: I s- like, I don’t know, man

Brass: All right. you are first up

Lyko: Why?

Brass: because you abetted the, you bet the most

Lyko: Oh, Jesus. All right. Well, werewolf boyfriend

Brass: Very good.

Kynophile: King of the Pride

Brass: All right.

Tarro: I wanna fuck the bear.

I was really hoping that was you being out of options.

Lyko: Oh, wait. Is fuck one of them?

Did I say fuck? No. Damn it.

Um, di- differences?

Brass: differences

Lyko: That’s a shot in the dark

Brass: I, I, I will look through it, but I do- I don’t I don’t think it is. Rainbow in the Dark by Dio, No.

Kynophile: Uh. featured on Zooier Than Thou.

Brass: I’m a- I’m afraid that is you eliminated.

Lyko: Oh. Well, fuck me. All right

Brass: Gyno

Kynophile: Yeah, I’m tapped out.

I, I have done so few… Yes, really. I’ve done so many of them, but I forget what they were called because I just did them and moved on. So we’ll say Blink-182’s classic, probably meant to be satirical, “I Wanna Fuck a Dog in the Ass,” but probably not

Brass: Okay. Taro, since literally you’ve all only done one at this point,

Lyko: Oh, you can’t give credit for that

Brass: I’m going to have you still try, and if you get out, then you’re just all in last place.

Tarro: Okay. Um, there’s the song for last year’s Halloween episode that I sang about elves, but I don’t know what it’s called. but it might just be called “Elves.”

Brass: those who love elves?

Tarro: Yes, that’s the one.

Brass: All right, I guess it’s technically better than what the other two did, so I will give you first place.

Kynophile: Yay

Lyko: Oh wait, shit, I actually remember that song.

Tarro: Let’s go! Yeah.

Lyko: Yeah, no, okay.

Brass: God, I, I would’ve dominated this round. Okay.

Tarro: I feel like it’s crazy that you didn’t do, there’s another, the, the, the one that was, like, really cool and mechanic-y and it had, like… I think it was you. I was on it doing the

chorus. Cowards and Bastards, that’s the one.

Yeah,

Brass: I love that one.

Tarro: That’s a banger

Brass: It’s ge- it’s genuinely one that I want to be able to share with people, but I can’t without outing

myself.

Lyko: I didn’t know you were involved in that track, actually. So like, you know, Toggle sends me stuff and we share music, but I don’t know what’s actually in the podcast.

Kynophile: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Lyko: Yeah, that’s awes- that’s a great track. That’s a

Tarro: I agree. I agree. I’m shocked you didn’t get that one.

Lyko: I like that song. I like…

Brass: For winning, Taro, you have gained five points, bringing you to 54.

Tarro: Ugh

Kynophile: Whoo.

Brass: I think, think Lyco needs the points more, so, and you both technically got out after naming one song, so I’m

gonna give it to Lyco. you gained

one point for that.

Kynophile: Fair. Ah

Lyko: you.

Tarro: What is this, socialism?

Lyko: Now I’m like that dog that, uh, you know, I have, I have the wheels in the back and it’s like you just wanna give him a treat.

Brass: uh, but unfortunately, I did not detect any hard-boiled noir detective on your

Kynophile: Nope. It Holy there. What are you talking about?

You didn’t do any of it.

Brass: You just gotta talk normally.

Lyko: I live it. I’m an amateur sleuth. Wait, so you only get one point. I’m a recovering alcoholic. What more do you want I should have done my Christopher Walken

Tarro: What Bratt just said is that there’s a Christopher Walken punishment that’s coming up.

Brass: No. All right, but so for that you’ve only gained an additional point, bringing you

to

Lyko: fair.

Kynophile: Hmm. Oh, boy.

Brass: Now it’s time for our second round of improv karaoke.

All right, our currently available songs are a pop punk song clip about the oppression of not being allowed on the bed, a blues song clip about going to the vet, and a Beastie Boys song clip about squeaky toys

Tarro: I don’t feel super confident in any of these.

Kynophile: Oh, well, that’s why we didn’t pick them

Brass: Yep.

Tarro: True. rules as last time. Who wants to bet first?

Lyko: And it’s still a 30-second limit, correct?

Brass: Also,

do I be evil and make you do a punishment during a karaoke song? No, because so many of

them add words to them, I’m going to allow you to not opt out of the punishment for the mini game.

Lyko: you. Thank you.

So kind

Tarro: I’ll bet five

Brass: All right.

Kynophile: I will bet, uh, four

Brass: All right, and Lyco?

Lyko: how many points do I even have?

Brass: You have 15. Now, you are very far behind, so you

may want to,

Lyko: I’m betting 10. 10

Brass: 10,

all right.

Tarro: Woo.

Brass: Big money, big money 10. All right. all right, Lyco, you get to choose first

Lyko: I’m doing a blues song

Brass: All right. You get the blues song about going to the vet. All right, and, uh, Taro?

Tarro: I’ll do the pop punk one

Brass: All right, pop punk about the oppression of not being allowed on the bed. And Kaino, you are stuck with the final one, a song in the style of the Beastie Boys about squeaky toys.

Kynophile: That’s kinda what I wanted anyway, so we’re fine.

Brass: Perfect. All right, your prep time starts now

You know, the fact that I forgot to come up with a name for this mini game just kinda adds to the flavor of the game since, you know, it’s Botch Job

All right, pencils down, hands off your keyboards. Your prep time is over.

Leko, as you bet the highest, you go first.

Lyko: Okie dokie. And just to be clear, just to make sure I understood the prompt. So this is a blues song about not being allowed on the bed, correct?

Brass: Uh, no, this is a blues song about going to the vet.

Lyko: Motherfuck. I even clarified it for you.

Tarro: My one’s the one about

not being allowed on the bed.

Lyko: all right. Well.

Tarro: Do You do you wanna, do you wanna

maybe let them go last and we just do our two just to make this

like… no, no, no. Fuck it. I’ll, I’ll do what I got

All right

Kynophile: Doing All right. frankly, it is what it is. All right. start when you’re ready

Lyko: Went up the stairs the other day. Master was happy, we played all day. Got to the room, didn’t take long. Hopped on the bed and he shook his head. Oh, Lordy, I’ve troubled so hard. Don’t nobody know my troubles but dog. Don’t nobody know my troubles but dog.

And then they gave me a All right, it’s all right, your three seconds is up.

Kynophile: Ah.

Brass: I will say you did do the blues part of it very well,

even if it was about the wrong topic. if you could get that up on YouTube ASAP so I can add it to the playlist, that’d be great

Taro, you are next

Tarro: All right. All my life I’ve been living on the floor. Today’s the day we won’t do this anymore. Tear ‘em down and break us out of this cage. End our torment or you’re gonna feel our rage. Lettuce on the bed. We know what we’re fighting for. Lettuce on the bed. It’s comfy and I want it so. Lettuce on the bed.

You can’t just keep us, ugh, you can’t just keep us away. Lettuce on the bed. Today we’re gonna make ‘em

Brass: Ooh, very good. Very good. I

was v- I was getting into that, I will be honest. Apart

from that, like, slight slip up in the middle, that was very good.

Tarro: I appreciate it

Brass: Yeah. And Kaino, you are last

Kynophile: Boop. All right. Walking ‘bout the house with a mouse in my jaw. Paws is hearing it go squeak, squeak. Feels so good in my mouth. It’s my playmate of rubber and the noises it makes are enchanting when I tackle it and give it a shake. Hit the brakes to the floof ‘cause I don’t give a ruff with the rough tumble thing in the weeds, get the stuff. And that’s gonna be in my master’s hand. He’s gonna tug it all around, make sure it’s all grand. It’s gonna be my prey. I’m gonna get it down. It’s gonna be there or I’m gonna make you go

Tarro: Oh.

Brass: Ooh. genuinely went pretty hard.

Tarro: You got the

tone down so good right at the start.

Kynophile: Yeah.

Brass: All right. I think the first place has to go to Kaino for that

Tarro: Yep. Yeah, I get that

Brass: All right, hold on. Let me do some calculations and, uh, for a second, do I want to be merciful to Lyco for completely getting the prompt wrong

while still doing a

Lyko: the weak.

Tarro: do

the math and see if I would come in second first.

Lyko: You, you, you come in second.

Tarro: Oh, then no, give it to me.

Brass: All right. Kaino, you have gained 21 points, bringing you to 60 total.

Tarro: Wow.

Brass: And as much as I want to help Lyco out, you did again completely get the prompt wrong after I did clarify it for you.

Lyko: There’s a reason I’m a gay dog on the internet.

Tarro: It happens to the best of us.

Brass: So Taro, you win the second place prize of six points, bringing you to 45.

Tarro: Yay

Kynophile: Yay. Lego

It’s

okay, every pack needs an omega.

Brass: Yep. Now, we are moving on to our final round of the game, and this is the round where I’m going to let you all in on something.

There’s no penalty other than the punishments for going in the negatives. You can bet as much as you want and go in as much debt as you like.

Lyko: How many points do I

Brass: You have five.

Kynophile: Doesn’t matter.

Lyko: it make a difference?

Brass: I mean, yeah, you can potentially win very big.

the alternative i- is you slowly get more and more, but

aren’t gonna get much

otherwise.

Lyko: it, if it’s euthanasia or victory, you know, what have I got to lose?

Tarro: True, true.

Kynophile: All your points.

Brass: All right. who can name the most milk alternatives without repeating?

Tarro: Oh

Kynophile: What?

Brass: simply because I want it to get used and I’m worried it wouldn’t otherwise, there’s a special, special rule in this round. But you don’t get to know what it is. You just get to know that it exists

Kynophile: Great.

Brass: So how many points would people like to bet?

Lyko: I’ll bet all of my points, Regis

Brass: All right.

Kynophile: I’m going to bed too

Tarro: yeah, I’ll bet two as well

Brass: Two and two. Very conservative bets from our multimillionaires up here.

Brass: right.

Lyko: a Marxist, by the way

Kynophile: good to know. Well, of course you are, you’re broke. Damn commie.

Damn.

Brass: I, I kid, I’m a socialist as well. Leiko, you’re up first. Milk alternatives

Lyko: Let’s throw out a soy, soy milk

Brass: Taro?

Tarro: Oat milk

Brass: Kano?

Kynophile: pea as in peas.

Brass: Peas, heard they can be a substitute. like blended… Yeah, it’s a, it’s a legume

All right. Yeah, sure. That’s, that’s good enough.

Lyko: Almond

Brass: Almond. All right.

Tarro: Coconut Okay

Kynophile: what can I think of?

Brass: Five, corn milk? I don’t know.

All right, now is that just blended up corn?

Kynophile: yes.

Brass: I’ll accept it.

Kynophile: It will do the thing

Lyko: The corn milk lobbyists have got to you. Jesus Christ.

I’ll say cashew

Brass: Okay.

Tarro: cum

Brass: Fair. Wolf.

Kynophile: All right.

Lyko: This opened up a whole new world

of, possibilities Have you guys figured out what the sneaker rule is?

Kynophile: For now, uh,

Tarro: Yep.

Kynophile: egg

Brass: technically, yeah.

Tarro: What? Hemp milk.

Brass: Sorry?

Lyko: Hemp milk.

Brass: I don’t know what that is.

Lyko: It’s real.

Kynophile: Really? No, have milk’s a thing. That’s real, that’s real.

Brass: All right.

Tarro: breast milk

Brass: Although, I mean, that is also just literally milk

I’m not sure if that’s an alternative,

Kynophile: from a different species?

Tarro: Listen, if you’re taking fucking corn

Kynophile: Yeah.

Brass: go on.

Kynophile: Oh, water

Brass: Correct. All right. Uh, bye, Go

Lyko: Fucking water?

Um, uh, uh, no, no, no, no, no. Pistachio milk. Too here giving milks. Too late. okay. Okay, fuck my drag

Brass: Daro.

Tarro: Uh, powdered milk.

Brass: I’m sorry, that’s not a drinkable liquid by itself.

Kynophile: Oh, no.

Lyko: Fucking water?

Tarro: you

say it had to be a drinkable liquid?

Brass: the secret rule of this game was accept any and all drinkable liquids.

Tarro: But has, it’s milk. But it’s powder. it’s not a liquid anymore. It’s a milk alternative.

Brass: Yeah, but it’s, it’s

not…

Kynophile: you, are you going to pour it over your cereal and

Lyko: I feel bamboozled I’m gonna do a fucking line of it. Who cares? It’s

Tarro: milk It’s

Lyko: I would say that I have not a milk alternative. I let you go on breast milk,

I’ve had cereal with water, but I’ve never had cereal with, uh…

Tarro: Dog cum.

Kynophile: Damn. had cereal with corn milk

Brass: Again, it’s technically a, it is, isn’t a liquid b- I asked if he,

if it was Blended.

Tarro: Oh my God. that’s just creamed corn. That’s actually a dish. Yeah. you drink. Pea milk is actually legitimate. but it is a liquid, and you could. Oh my God.

Bro, this is why I’m anti-AI

Brass: I was genuinely s- so looking forward to this question simply because of how bullshit it is.

All right, let me calculate the points. Oh, Laiko, I forgot to give you a, forgot to give you a punishment. That’s okay. We’ll give you one on the next one. I… feel like I’ve been punished enough.

It was due to my yeah. How dare Aw. about me? At least I can be remembered for punishment.

Lyko: No?

Tarro: Yeah, yeah.

Kynophile: yeah.

There you go. Yep.

Lyko: Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs. Origin of the word. Let’s do etymology questions.

Brass: so Kaino, for that round you have gained 10 points, bringing you to 68.

Taro, you came in second, so you get three points for a total of 46. And Laiko, because again, I forgot to give you a punishment and that’s on me, you get three,

Lyko: Oh, thank

Brass: bringing you to a total of three.

Tarro: But you know what? It’s not size that counts

Kynophile: Yeah, that’s how you use them

Brass: Now, I think after the, that last question, you are also going to hate me for this one. There’s no secret rule on this one, but chat, how many dogs?

Tarro: Did you say chat?

Brass: Chat, how many dogs? Like, oh, b- before we bet, I will get you your punishment this time.

Lyko: Yeah, what’s up?

Brass: your punishment is that you will have to do this round doing a game show announcer voice.

Tarro: Isn’t that your job?

Brass: I’m a game show host. The game show announcer is like, Show them

what they won.” or introducing all of you, that kind of style. Over the top and kinda yelly,

Lyko: And, and the prompt is just how many

Brass: chat, how many dawgs?

Tarro: Oh. that’s a totally different question. is it spelled?

Brass: D-A-W-G-S. Dawgs.

Lyko: Oh

Tarro: Uh, I’ll bet five points

Brass: All right

Lyko: I’ll bet three points.

Brass: Three. Ooh, going into going, going

Lyko: What’s my punishment? Like, what do I, what do I stand to lose but my chains?

Kynophile: One, bluntly, I don’t like

my current point total, so I have to bet one.

Brass: I will also say let,

like, uh, you can go into the negatives as far as you like. You can bet as high

Tarro: wants you to fucking buy now, pay

later so

Lyko: Excellent. that sounds great.

Brass: Still sticking with three? All right.

Lyko: Yeah Kyno?

Kynophile: betting one because I don’t like my point total and I want it changed

Brass: Oh, God. All right, hold on All right. Take us away, Taro. How many

Tarro: It,

Brass: chat?

Tarro: in honor of the late, great… I don’t think he’s dead, actually. In honor of the great Snoop Dogg, I’m gonna say 420 dogs

Brass: All right.

Lyko: Today on Zooier Than Thou, we will be awarding a lucky winner with 101 dogs

Brass: Very good, very good. And Kaino?

Kynophile: Georg Cantor invented the current form of infinity with its many different hierarchies and larger and smaller infinities. If you could get the maximal categorical ordinal, that would be the number of Daos

Brass: So how many?

Lyko: Not a I- dogs

Kynophile: As many– essentially take any, quote-unquote, “infinite object” that you could ever imagine, period, that to that power, to that power, et cetera,

Lyko: cannot put infinity to a

Brass: So we’re at aleph, aleph, aleph, et

cetera.

Kynophile: You can sort of in category theory. That’s just,

Brass: All right.

Kynophile: differently.

Brass: Lyco, I am proud to announce you are the closest. The answer was

Lyko: thank you.

Kynophile: What?

I didn’t know there was an answer

Brass: this was literally just a reframed, what number am I thinking of?

Lyko: There we go

Brass: So, Letgo, with your three points, hold on.

Lyko: Do I get, uh, some unquantifiable amount of infinity?

Brass: Unfortunately, no, but you

do get 12 points.

Lyko: Damn.

Kynophile: Yeah.

Lyko: 12, I’ll take it.

Brass: And Taro, coming in second because the other option is literally infinity, uh,

you, you

get three points, bringing you to 44.

Tarro: I’ll take it

Kynophile: Nice

Brass: you are at 67

Kynophile: Wait, I was at 70, Yeah. bet one. Six, seven.

Brass: Yeah, that’s why, that’s why when I scrolled up to, to edit it, I went, “Oh, God.”

Kynophile: Yeah

Brass: All right. This next one who can come up with the for Toggle’s autobiography? And, just to get it out of the way, Lyco’s punishment for being in last place Ooh. Leiko, you need to end every sentence with, “I am Taro and I approve this message.”

Kynophile: Oh, well, good

Brass: All right. What are our bets?

Tarro: I’m betting, 10

Brass: 10

big money. All right

Lyko: I’ll, bet all my points

Brass: All of them, so 12.

Kynophile: Great. I’ll go middle of the road and bed 11.

Tarro: high

value round

Lyko: Is there a, uh, any sort of maximum on the length of this title?

Brass: Uh, no.

Lyko: It’s, it’s an autobiography, right?

Brass: Leiko, you’re up first

Lyko: day in the life of a musical rat

Tarro: Hmm.

I’d pick it up.

Lyko: This message is approved by T-

Brass: it’s

Kynophile: You’re Chara. approve this message

Lyko: I am Taro and I approve this message

regarding an autobiography about a different person

it today.

Brass: Kinda. Oh, so that was another sentence,

uh, you

need to…

Lyko: it’s, it’s, it’s all part of the

Brass: Yeah, but it’s end the sentence.

Kynophile: Including that.

Lyko: fair. Yeah, fair.

Brass: I’m giving you the chance to put it in right now.

Nope? Okay, you forfeited. Kinda.

Lyko: put what in? Put what in? Wait. Oh. Oh my God. Oh, yeah. All right.

Kynophile: Too late.

Lyko: yeah

yeah

Kynophile: Bitches Be Easy: How rats can get into dogs without requiring lubricant

Tarro: Mm-hmm. what, sorry?

Kynophile: Without getting– without lubricant.

Brass: Oh. And Taro?

Tarro: despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in the podcast cage

Brass: Ooh, that is good.

Kynophile: Yep

Lyko: that’s

real good

Brass: Now, similar to the one we had before this, we’re going twice down the line. Leko, you’re up again

Tarro: Oh my God, what?

Lyko: Spinning the wheel, running the maze.

Tarro: Ooh. Hm. A story about Toggle. this is also part of the title. Taro, and I approve this message

Brass: Kinda

Kynophile: Toa: A Cheese Connoisseur’s Tale

Brass: Ooh. And Taro?

Tarro: Toggle colon The America Story.

Brass: Ugh. there was a lot of good ones in here. But I think I might have to give it to Lyco if, if for mercy, for nothing else

Kynophile: Yeah.

Yeah. nothing if not for mercy.

Brass: Yes, you know what? I’m Tarot and I s- approve this message.

Lyko: Well, thank you. Thank you, Taro. I’m sure you’ll get some votes from the disenfranchised such as myself

Brass: However, Since when is this democratic? I thought there was an arbitrary judge. Anyway. Woo.

Lyko: Ja

ja

Brass: Terribly

Tarro: thought “Despite all my rage, I’m

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: a rat in the podcast cage” was

so good

Lyko: yeah, that is

fire.

Brass: Actually, I, I changed my mind. Taro’s second.

Kynophile: Damn it.

Lyko: There we go

Brass: Hell yeah. All right.

Tarro: Oh,

Brass: So, Leiko, you have gained a whopping 46 points from this, bringing you sailing into w- currently second, but let’s find how, how many or Taro gets. You get 11, bringing you to 45, just barely behind.

Tarro: Wow.

Brass: you are going to be doing punishments next

Kynophile: Oh, good.

Lyko: For the love of God. Ah, don’t, don’t… Oh, good.

Tarro: Oh.

Kynophile: Well, until I get punished.

Lyko: Mister, I want objectivism millionaire class, calling you Ayn

Rand.

Kynophile: that the fact that I’m on top means that the current system works. That’s just how things

work.

Lyko: Jesus. All right.

Brass: All right, let’s get your punishment, Taro

Tarro: Wait, so what’s the point spread right now? It’s gotta be crazy close

Brass: Um, currently

the point spread is, Kaino in the lead with 56, Leiko in second with 46, and Taro with 45.

Tarro: Wow.

Brass: It’s very, very neck and neck for second place.

Kynophile: Yes All right, Taro, your, punishment is

Tarro: I don’t like how much you’re laughing

Brass: for, the full course of this, uh, of this prompt, you need to act stoned

Tarro: Oh, I don’t smoke weed. Goddammit

Brass: That’s why I was laughing.

Kynophile: How many skinny movies?

Brass: All right, and our prompt is, who can guess the closest to the number of Nintendo Switch and Switch 2 game cartridges Toggle owns?

Kynophile: Oh, God.

Brass: All right,

bets.

Lyko: all my points.

Brass: Really?

Kynophile: Damn

Brass: All right, you are either sailing back into last place or you are sailing ahead into first.

Lyko: Fuck it, we ball

Brass: All right.

Kynophile: I’ll bet three.

Brass: Only three, okay.

Tarro: What even is a number, man?

Lyko: Oh, just to, just to clarify, ‘cause clearly I have, uh, difficulty understanding prompts. This is Switch games?

Brass: Switch

Kynophile: and Switch

Lite Switch and Switch 2. Okay. Cause in my brain I was already thinking of DS games. So

cartridges.

Lyko: there we go

Brass: All right, Taro.

Tarro: also bet three points, dude

Lyko: And this is specifically physical cartridges. Okay

Brass: And they have been counted. I have a picture of them.

Kynophile: Oh, good.

Brass: what is everyone gonna guess? Uh, Leiko, with your points, you

are definitely betting You’re guessing 22?

Lyko: 22

Brass: All right. Uh, Taro

Tarro: If I win, will you buy me pizza?

Brass: no.

Tarro: Damn.

Brass: What’s your guess?

Tarro: Uh, what was the question again?

Brass: try to guess the closest to the real number of Nintendo Switch and Switch 2 game cartridges Toggle owns?

Tarro: I don’t know, man, like

Brass: All right, and Kyno?

Kynophile: I think Toggle is more of a gamer than he sometimes lets on. So I’m gonna say 42. is the answer

Brass: All right. Can I have a drum roll please? The real answer is 67.

Lyko: Damn.

Tarro: Damn! I,

Brass: that’s why I ha- that’s why I had to clarify that it was also, I have the picture and they

have been counted, ‘cause it

came out to 67.

Kynophile: Yes That’s, that’s Making it the second time that fucking number has come up.

Tarro: Radical.

Brass: Meaning that Kano is in first place,

Kynophile: Hey.

Brass: or takes the win

in this, with Taro coming in second.

Tarro: Nice

Kynophile: Yes. for the points, buddy. Really helped out.

Tarro: I haven’t smoked weed since I was like 15. How was I?

Brass: Eh, pretty solid

Kynophile: Pretty good

Tarro: Nice. Let’s go

Brass: Okay. Kaino, for winning you have gained 41 points,

bringing

Kynophile: Nice.

Brass: you to 94. And for coming in second, Taral, you have gained 17, bringing you to, hold on, 59.

Tarro: Kaino, I

think it’d be so smart of you to go all in next round.

Brass: And

Leiko, I am so

Kynophile: Huh

Brass: you’re at zero.

Lyko: Hey, it doesn’t matter. I can go into the negatives, right?

Tarro: Mm-hmm. You

Kynophile: sure can Yeah, fuck it. can destroy the economy. as you need That’s, I don’t believe I’m destroying the economy

Brass: Now, a comic.

Lyko: by existing.

Brass: this is our final round How did I put these two next to each other unintentionally? who can guess the closest to Toggle’s current high score in Star Fox?

Kynophile: Are you f- ah

Tarro: Wait, so just to be clear, it’s just the final, like, round, like final question or

final, set of questions?

Brass: this is the e- end all be all

Tarro: Oh. How does the score work in Star Fox?

Kynophile: That’s a good question.

Brass: you got on, on enemy

Kynophile: Are you talking about total through the game or

Brass: Through a mission.

Tarro: Through one mission.

Okay.

Kynophile: each. Yeah

Tarro: It would really help if I pl- did anyone here play this game?

Kynophile: When I was in high school, yes. Not really otherwise.

Brass: And before we do our bidding, Leeko, I will get you your punishment

Kynophile: Oh, good

Brass: Oh, I was hoping this one would

come up. good snipe.

You must, at the end of every sentence, say an Alex Jones-esque conspiracy theory.

Lyko: Oh, that’s fucking easy. All

Tarro: Brass hates fun, you’re not allowed to make Sandy Hook references.

Lyko: I’m, well, that’s, I would not,

do that

Brass: All right, your bets please.

guess the closest to Toggle’s current high score in Star Fox, which is the number of hits he has scored on enemies in a mission

Lyko: I’ll bet a thousand All right.

Brass: Oh. Nice

I like you.

Tarro: I’m gonna go all in

Brass: All in. All right,

Kynophile: Considering that most of the point swing isn’t going to be determined by this exact bet and nothing else in the game will have mattered, I’m just going to bet one and sit back and wait for what happens

Brass: All right.

Tarro: Smart play, honestly.

Brass: yeah.

Kynophile: Yes. I’ll win by doing nothing like Luigi and

it’ll be awesome

Brass: You’re, you’re either going to end up in second or be in first, so it’s a pretty good, solid, uh, solid bet

Kynophile: Oh, no. Anyway.

Brass: All right. For betting the most, Lyco, you get to go first

Lyko: People are saying that Toggle has scored 2,500 points in Star Fox. What the people don’t know and what they won’t talk about is those points are being elevated by Slippy, and the chemicals in the water have turned him gay

Kynophile: He’s already gay. Like, it’s very obvious.

Tarro: In the pictures I’m looking at, he’s already gay for sure.

Kynophile: Oh, 100%.

Brass: Taro?

Tarro: so I have no frame of reference for what even a good or bad score in this game would be, so I’m gonna go with the classic one, two, three, four

Brass: All right, and Kaino.

Kynophile: I’m the only one who played this game and it was like 20 years ago, so I’m gonna go with 400

Brass: 400. All right. Can I get one more drum roll for the final reveal? The real answer was 1,587 p- hits, which I believe,

Kynophile: That’s you

Brass: is indeed Taro who wins. With, I believe Lyco is in second here. Uh, I need to double-check,

Kynophile: I think so.

Brass: at math in my head.

Tarro: I

was just

thinking desperately, like how many fucking times could you shoot someone in this game?

Do you wanna hear my

Brass: Yep, Yep, it is indeed Lyco who comes in second.

Kynophile: All right. So, Taro, you have, won the game by gaining, let me see here, 825 points

Tarro: You know what’s amazing? I’ve been on this show all three times and I’ve never won in my life. And so this is really a beautiful moment for me. I’d like to thank my

family. I’d like to thank my friends. shout out to zooey.pub

Kynophile: Yay

Brass: And, uh, Lyco, for coming in second place. You did not dig yourself out of debt as you only gained 353 points, bringing you to your final score of negative 647. And Kaino, you sit comfortably at 93 points in second place. Congratulations

Kynophile: Thank you. I won’t have to kill your second character.

Brass: You kinda did. That campaign ended in a TPK

Kynophile: Okay, with a presumed death of my character.

Brass: All right, that is our game. Thank you all for participating, and thank you all for listening. I will see you next time. We have a bot, bot, bot job.

Outro

Tarro: Thanks, friends, for listening to Zooier Than Thou!

Brass: Our next episode is on September 26th, and it’s Zoo Pirate Radio Forever!

Tarro: For real this time, so don’t miss it!

Brass: You can subscribe to the podcast via our zooey RSS feed. Just point your favorite podcast client at rss.zoo.wtf. You can also check out our extensive bonus content at bonus.zoo.wtf. If you wanna show your support financially, head on over to donate.zoo.wtf. Find us on BlueSky at, you guessed it, @zoo.wtf

Tarro: Our podcast website hasn’t changed, and you can find a form that enables anonymous submissions to the podcast. You can also simply email us at [email protected].

Brass: Share this podcast with someone who wants something fun, something silly, and something zooey to enjoy!

Tarro: I’m Brass Bulldog!

Brass: And I’m Tarro!  That, that feels wrong. Yep. got that mixed up… And you’ve almost finished listening to Zooier Than Thou. Stay defiant, fellow zoos. We’ll see you next time you feel like howling at the moon.

Both: Awoo!