Space Pirate Radio

Disclaimer

Toggle: The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains adult concepts and language and is intended for a mature audience, so we’ve put a big ol’ Parental Advisory sticker on this episode. If your mom doesn’t want you listening to all that foul-mouthed, heathen devil music, come back when you’re older.

Cold Open: Go No Go!

(Footsteps on a metal floor. Will is walking within the depths of The Ark)

(Footsteps stop)

(Thunk, Creeeeaaaak! Opening a metal panel)

Will: Yeah, that’s the guy.

(Digital “chirp!” as she activates her smartwatch.)

Will: (speaking to watch) Establish remote comms with the Maneframe.

(rrr… rrr…)

Maneframe: Greetings, Eggshell.

Will: No, please, out at sea it has to be–

Maneframe: Switching to pirate names. Greetings, Will.

Will: Yo ho. Maneframe, in my personal files, can you find a document named “Wait holy shit could we actually make The Ark a spaceship cocaine draft, dot LSD revision, dot sober revision parenthesis draft 46 close paren, dot rum final pass this is a great idea holy shit, dot txt.” And begin reading it for me, beginning under the heading, Hull Barometrics Pre-Launch Requisites Projection.

Maneframe: Hatch Zip Anima will have desirable values of: one point one four; six point zip one; three point niner three. All of my own projections outside of your document make it clear that this is a terrible idea and that things will go horribly– (–wrong.)

Will: Thank you, Maneframe. Close comms.

(Creaaak, thunk, panel closed again.)

Will: New message, IRC room hash Ark MK 2: TheStallion, all readings are within parameters as projected, we’re looking very good for launch. On my way up. Send.

(Digital chirp, woosh of sending message.)

(Walking.)

Alright, let’s see, hull barometrics are good, itinerary is on target, elk yeah, I think–

Akito: WHO GOES THERE!

Will: AAA DOG ABOVE what the frick frack fuzzlefuck are you doing down in the hull right now?

Akito: What are YOU doing down in the hull right now, weirdo?

Will: Checking our readings to make sure we PROBABLY won’t explode when we go into space!

Akito: Aaaand…?

Will: (busted) And I was gonna swing by the hull bar for a bottle of rum.

(Liquid in a bottle noise as Akito holds up rum.)

Akito: Way ahead of you.

Will: Simpatico. Is The Stallion solo in the cockpit right now?

Akito: Kinda.

Will: Ah jeez, someone’s gotta keep an ear on everything. Let’s doubletime it back up there.

(Much footsteps.)

(Digital chirp.)

Tune to frequency 106.6.

(Radio tuning noises, as we are now in the cockpit/studio with The Stallion.)

The Stallion: …unbound by gravity, leaping weightlessly from place to place. Imagine, a zero G group cuddle, your lucky self at the center of a pulsating throng of aliens that strongly resemble hyenas, but have soft hairy tentacles that are all the better to hold you close with as you float through the void, TOGETHER, yourself the center of their pack. You are their treasured mate. There are no rules written here: you are simply a creature among creatures. In the vast vault of the heavens, a functionally infinite land unfucked by fascism, we are reminded that, within a rounding error, oppression exists in almost ZERO PERCENT of the universe. And that as we step forth today, we step forth to propogate something else from Earth instead: Love. Sharing. Ooey gooey queer and zooey goodness.

(Will and Akito arrive.)

The Stallion: Well well well! Ladies, find a seat. Listeners, Akito and Will have returned to the studio bearing gifts for me to sumarily confiscate until AFTER we have successfully launched. No eating on the mic; No rum during takeoff.

Akito: Fine.

Will: IF we blow up… it IS going to be my only job in the afterlife to haunt this wreckage in search of my stolen spirits.

The Stallion: Haaaand it over. Thank you. Strap in, strap in.

(Strapping in.)

The Stallion: For anyone just joining us, ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between and out of bounds, cats and dogs, horses and deer and donkeys, fish and birds, everything of this Earth, you are tuning in on a VERY special occasion. We of course have always been a pirate radio station, using any equipment we find lying around to broadcast our counter-cultural messages with nobody’s permission–and RAKING in the ratings, because it turns out, a lot of people quite like our songs, despite what the radio censors would tell you. BUT. We have always been limited in our outreach. At the end of the day, we can only broadcast to within a certain outer radius of where our ship is physically located in the sea: right now, while we broadcast to Hamburg off the German coast, Ireland misses us! To broadcast to America, we had to cross an entire ocean, for Dog’s sake! BUT TODAY, we are changing the game once and for all. TODAY, we go where no horse has gone before. Outer. Space. From there in the vault of the heavens, the zeta waves that we broadcast will reach the entire planet all at once, and all will be able to tune in to our program and hear the good word. AND this momentous power will not go to waste, as we have on deck a wonderful lineup of your favorite musical artists. I am of course speaking of Shiv, Zipwok, Kiss Me Kabar, and even some newcomers! Plus, Aqua is manning the recording cabin to bring you invaluable wisdom with his signature wit!

(All besides The Stallion, Will, and Akito appear over radio comms. Ship noises intensify.)

The Stallion: We are T-minus 20 for launch, I need a Go-No-Go from all stations. Communications.

Will: Go.

The Stallion: Orbs.

Aqua: Go.

The Stallion: Houston.

Pearl: (Dolphin in background) Go.

The Stallion: October.

666 The Dark Narrator: Go.

The Stallion: Getting rawed by enormous horny bears.

Toggle: Go.

The Stallion: Zoos One through Four.

Zoo 1: Go!

Zoo 2: Go!

Zoo 3: Go!

Zoo 4: Go!

The Stallion: Thrusters.

Akito: Go.

The Stallion: Initiating launch!

(Ship noises!!!)

The Stallion: Elon, pucker up and kiss my horse ass you space Nazi bastard! We have liftoff!

Theme Song

Doodle Donkey: Hey, what can I say?

You’ve got me howlin’ at the moon!

Whoa, don’t you know that love is wild when you’re a zoo?

We’re Zooier Than Thou!

Oh yeah!

CALL SIGN: 106.6, The Ark: Zoo Pirate Radio.

Zoos in Space - Yarrrkito and the Intergalactic Space Pirates

The Stallion: Alright alright alright! Hail Earthlings! Hail Universe! Hail, listeners one and all, and welcome! You’re tuning into the one, the only, The Ark! And as usual I’m your trusty navigator through all waters rough and milky, Theeeee Stallion! Folks, do we ever have a special show for you… tonight, today, tomorrow? Will, how do we measure time in space?

Will: I think I heard somebody who sounded important and smart tell me that it’s five o’clock somewhere.

The Stallion: Ahaa! Ever true to the pirate creed, even in Medium Earth Orbit.

(Will gives an “ok” sign silently)

The Stallion: Houston, how are we doing down there?

Pearl: Nominal, Zoo Crew, you’re looking good from the ground. This may be the single most successful worst idea ever.

The Stallion: Love to hear it. Aqua, are you still with us? How’s the aft end of the ship holding up?

Aqua: (Something is mildly annoying) Things are… good… do you guys have gravity on your side of the ship?

The Stallion: Negative.

Aqua: (Sigh) Well, I wish I had taken some time to make sure my bin of legos and my other bin of d4’s were securely fastened before takeoff. Everyone mind your feet if you come take a walk on the walls down here.

The Stallion: Hahahaaaa, wilco. Oh, uh… Akito, you alright there? You’ve got a vice grip on the arm of that chair.

Akito: (Not fine) Oh, I’m fine. This is fine. This is what I look like when I’m fine.

The Stallion: Aw, come now, mate! Yesterday you were sweeping things off of tables to spread out maps of the cosmos, sweeping things off of tables to stand on them and make impassioned speeches about exploring the final frontier, sweeping things off of tables to make sure you had everyone’s attention before politely announcing that you had come up with new SPACE pirate names for everyone!

Akito: That was BEFORE I had my soul sucked out of the back of my skull for 10 minutes only to suddenly have my guts start floating into my rib cage.

The Stallion: Would a great big gulp of celebratory rum help?

Akito: (Nauseous at the thought of adding rum to this) Uhh-hh-hhh…

The Stallion: Haha. (Turning in chair to face another way, moving on.) Now, listener, you may be asking yourself, “What folly led four, wholly untrained radio pirates to strap their flanks to a big hot rocket and blast themselves 35,000 km away from Earth for a bit?” Rest assured, we weren’t just getting starry-eyed from hearing the words “flank” and “rocket” in the same sentence. This has been in the making for years, and we’ve got zoos in high places with deep pockets who helped us prepare for this moment. Shout out to the Zoo Origin crew who can now say they have achieved liftoff without the need for funding or approval from Musk or Bezos. Or NASA for that matter! This is an entirely private enterprise, almost entirely unauthorized, but with respect to all the considerations necessary to make a space flight successful without knocking out your Satellite TV or causing a global internet outage. Reckless and Dangerous? Well, that’s just the name of our newly christened Space Ark. But smarter minds than any of the ones on board this ship got us safely into orbit with as little fuss as possible, and for that, we have to thank our global network on the ground pulling together all the helping hands a zoo could ask for. Do I know how to claim a Phase 2 Intake Retrocuff as a business expense on my taxes? I do now that I asked around about that kind of thing.

Will: We are not claiming to be up here with all the answers to the universe already stored in our databanks. We are, if anything, FAR more laden with questions. Outer space: how big is it? Bigger than two football fields? Bigger than eleven football fields? Is the sky blue because outer space is made of water, or is the sky blue because of some kind of space poptart residue left there a dozen years ago? Where does the sun go when you can’t see it? In order to fund our research into these important questions, we will be hearing messages tonight from some high-powered sponsors, the likes of which our extremely, unbelievably humble pirate broadcast has never dreamed of securing contracts with before.

The Stallion: Yes, we hope you’ll forgive the ad breaks over the course of our journey… and also after we get back to Earth… we’re going to be paying for this for a while. If you’re interested in advertising to the largest audience of zoos in the world–why, the ENTIRE world at once, in fact–give us a shout.

Akito: (Akito is actually fine now) And if you’re wondering how you’re able to hear this transmission coming all the way to you from the heavens above… with such fidelity, such clarity… EVEN IF you’re on the complete opposite side of the Earth… that’s because our craft, The Reckless and Dangerous, is equipped with special antennas that transmit Zeta Waves, a type of wave so pristine, and so in-harmony with the universe, that the little squiggly loopity wave lines can actually SLINGSHOT themselves off of other particles of matter, and speed ahead of even light itself to reach your home stereo with no delay and no interference, as though we were broadcasting from the other side of your kitchen table.

The Stallion: That is scientifically incorrect.

Akito: It is so correct and so scientific, thanks.

The Stallion: That CAN’T really be a thing!

Will: It is a thing and it’s beautiful. Me and Akito juiced up the antennas this morning and have been running some benchmarks. Consider that it takes light 8 minutes to travel to Earth from the sun. Zeta Waves, on the other paw, can cover the same distance in a fraction of a second, making them a no-joke Faster Than Light technology.

The Stallion: Incredible!

Akito: And WOW does it take a lot of power to run.

Will: Fortunately, we are harnessing radiation from the Van Allen Belt to help power our radio broadcast, and we should have enough energy to complete 5 orbits of the Earth over the next four and a half days.

The Stallion: Ahhhh, giving us plenty of time to relax in zero G and send positive vibes to the entire universe. Speaking of the entire universe… Will? Do you have our first intergalactic email?

Will: (Oops.) I… might have forgotten to print it out.

The Stallion: Ugh, Will, mate…

Will: Wait, I think I have it on my phone. Let me just… (unbuckles, fumbles) Ope, sorry, that’s just floating around now… Hold on… (tick tick tick tick tick tick, phone unlocks) Alright, here we go!

The Stallion: Attagirl, mate. Our first email comes from the Red Rocketship Pilot, writing in about our Oops! All Emails episode this year. They write:

Hailing ZooTT crew.

It’s been a while since I’ve sent a message your way. I’d like to blame lightspeed delay but the truth is I’ve just been nervous because every time I’ve ever written into a podcast, I’ve managed to make an ass of myself by not thinking it through. In hindsight my faux pas are painfully obvious, but something about writing a submission to be read out just switches my brain off. Maybe I should check and make sure my comms array isn’t cross-wired with my oxygen recycler…

Will: Happens to the BEST of us, oh my GOD.

The Stallion: Because of that, I told myself that I would only write in once I had a really good topic to propose or relevant information to submit… and that never happened, but eventually I acknowledged that I could just check in and say hi and that I’m still listening to every episode and still enjoying everything you’re all doing with the show. :3 Also you said you’d be visiting my domain out here in spaaaaaaace, so what better time? (Assuming this transmission makes it to you in time.) Rest assured, it did!

I wanted to let you know that after listening to S3E9 “So What’s the Deal with Veganism?”, I myself finally became vegan and have been ever since. It was something that I’d been considering for years before then as something that I would /eventually/ do, a goal with an indefinite timeframe, but that episode made me stop and ask myself, “What’s stopping me from doing it right now?” …and the answer I came back with was: “Nothing!” So thank you for giving me that push. I’m much more ethically happy with myself after that change, and I’ve also been enjoying a lot more hummus.

Akito: (longingly) Space hummus.

Will: Okay, hear me out: space hummus, wait a few minutes to see if we’re good on the inside and space hasn’t done strange and cruel things to our bodies, and then, if we’re okay, space rum?

Akito: Fuck yeah.

The Stallion: Welcome back, Akito!

Akito: Henceforth, I’ll be known as my Space Pirate Name, Yarrrkito. (You will now read lines for Yarrrkito)

Will: Aye aye, Yarrrkito.

The Stallion: Alright, ladies, let’s get back to our email, here. And let me be the first to say how wonderful it is to hear from you again, Red Rocketship Pilot! Could you have picked a better time to send comms our way? If you find yourself in Earth’s orbit in the next few days, feel free to drop in!

Yarrrkito: (She and Will have been overseeing all the prep work on the ship, she knows that there have been no plans to make the ship able to be boarded) I’m not sure our ship is equipped to be boarded like that.

The Stallion: I’m sure we can figure it out. Right, Houston?

Pearl: No.

The Stallion: Well, at any rate, please don’t be shy about writing in! And congrats on making that leap into veganism! There’s nothing quite like living out your own ethics, am I right, folks?

Will: One small step for animalkind!

Yarrrkito: And one giant step for Red Rocketship Pilot!

The Stallion: Anyway, we hope this broadcast gets to you live wherever you are in the universe, a la our Faster Than Light Zeta Wave technology! Which is, apparently, a real thing.

Yarrrkito: It is so a real thing.

The Stallion: We’ve got virtual tons more listener emails over the next few days of our orbit, so stick around! Up next, we’ve got new music from Shiv, and some of that signature, orb-shaped commentary from our good friend Aqua. Later, we’ll hear from Zipwok, Kiss Me Kabar, and maybe even some newcomers! Keep that dial tuned to 106.6 The Ark… in spaaaaaace!

Always Coming Home (song)

Shiv: Deep in his borrow there sleeps a rabbit

Dreaming of wonderous things

Roses and tulips in bloom to greet the spring

Until he wakes to watch the day begin and he says

Hello world I’m one year older but still the same

I can’t wait to hear what news the Robin brings

And though our world seems to grow colder I keep warm in

The fur of my two dogs at home, still sleeping

Peacefully

On fields of clover the rabbit has his fill

His 2 dogs keep watch over him

So he does not fear the predators within

The darks woods at the field of clover’s rim, no he sings

Hello world I’m one year older but still the same

I can’t wait to hear what news the Robin brings

And though our world seems to grow colder I keep warm in

The fur of my two dogs when I’m, sleeping

Peacefully

I’ll always find my way back home

And even when I’m lost I know I’ll never walk this way alone

For I have found my family, we are The Interspecies 3

The ones who declare their love to me

Hello world I’m one year older but still the same

I can’t wait to hear what news the Robin brings

And though our world seems to grow colder I keep warm in

The fur of my two dogs at home…

Hello world I’m one year older but still the same

I can’t wait to hear what news the Robin brings

And though our world seems to grow colder I keep warm in

The fur of my two dogs at home

Still sleeping

Peacefully

Dick Steiner: Loose Rocket Cop IN SPACE IN 3D

Narrator: Dick Steiner is a loose rocket cop for the Galactic Federation.

Police Chief: You’re a real loose rocket, Dogtenant Steiner!

Steiner: I’d be a better cop if you didn’t keep me on such a tight leash!

Narrator: But an intergalactic conspiracy is about to turn his universe… upside down.

Steiner: This thing goes all the way to the top, Gutowski. The chief of police, the president of the Galactic Counsel… there’s not a single one of them who isn’t dirty. You’re the only one I can trust.

Gutowski: Well, no one said I wasn’t dirty, too, Dogtenant.

(hard cut to horny sounds and a creaking bed)

Gutowski: Oh, Dick!

(Lighting a cigarette)

Steiner: It’s too dangerous to keep meeting like this, Gutowski. I’m about to go up against the most powerful criminal organization I’ve ever faced.

Gutowski: Lone wolves don’t survive in the cold vacuum of space, Dick. You need allies wherever you can find them.

Narrator: Now, Dogtenant Steiner must gang up with an unlikely band of heroes…

Rocko: You want it blown up? Boom. I’ll blow it up for you.

Chip: I might have a gambling problem, but ain’t no one in this entire system who can hide from me.

Selene: Well, I am the most successful con artist this side of the Andromeda galaxy. And you’re such a cute wittle puppy!

Steiner: I hate these imbeciles. But they’re the best shot I’ve got.

Gutowski: The Red Rocko Gang? Are you sure you know what you’re doing?

Steiner: You said I needed allies. These are the only fools dumb enough to try to take down the Galactic Federation.

Narrator: Next summer… will this old dog… learn some new tricks?

(Action cop movie noises)

Rocko: I’ve never seen anyone on four legs pull off a stunt like that!

Steiner: I’ve never seen anyone with four arms knock out six guys at once!

Narrator: Or will old habits… die hard.

Steiner: Gutowski, how could you?

Gutowski: The Galactic Counsel is not the enemy! Join us, Dogtenant! Help us create a New Galactic Order!

Steiner: I’ll never join you!

(hard cut to horny sounds and a creaking bed)

Gutowski: Oh, Dick!

Steiner: This changes nothing. I’m taking you down, Gutowski. I’ll take down the entire federation!

Gutowski: We’ll see, Dogtenant. We’ll see.

Narrative: See Dick Steiner like you’ve never seen him before… IN 3D!

Selene: Holy Neptune! Look at that giant, fat knot!

Steiner: Sorry, babe. I can’t stick around. I’ve got a bone to pick… with the president of the Galactic Counsel.

(explosion)

Narrator: Otto von Woof is… (impact noises) Dick Steiner: Loose Rocket Cop. IN SPACE! IN 3D! Coming to theaters Summer 2026. This Film Has Not Yet Been Rated.

Aqua’s Incomplete Guide to Surviving Fascism - We’re All in This Together

Aqua: My, my, how far we’ve come, from humble beginnings on college radio, to the high seas, and now, into that final frontier where no orb has gone before. It’s quite a momentous occasion. But you know, as we gaze down at that other blue ball we call home, I’m not feeling my usual, snarky self. Oh, don’t worry, I’ve still got plenty of biting criticism I’m just itching to unload into a microphone, but tonight, I want to do something more constructive.

As I look out at all of the bright cities lighting up the darkness, I know that some of you are listening from the safety and comfort of your homes, feeling secure in your personal, financial, and professional lives, and to all of you, well met. But social safety nets and institutions meant to protect all of us from harm and exploitation are being dismantled. Some of you are feeling the pain for the very first time, others are watching everything they’ve worked for get erased, and still others are realizing they might be next. I want to do something special for all of you.

So what’ll we call this? Perhaps, An Incomplete Guide to Surviving Fascism? Or maybe, What to Do When the Wolves are at the Door? Hmm, not my favorite metaphor. Regardless, we’ve been fashioning these tips to help you and yours stay safe from state-sanctioned violence, guard your freedom, and push back when you can. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a start.

Now, I know some of our listeners from Europe and beyond might feel like this is all gonna be for our American audience, but it’s not. It comes from an American perspective, but I promise some of our tips are especially for you, so stick around ’til the end. You might learn something!

OK. Let’s get started.

---

Tip Number One: We’re All in This Together

I see you, dear listener, who’s used to struggling alone, and hates putting your hand out for help. Maybe you’re short on cash for rent this month, but you don’t want to ask any of your friends because you don’t want to be a burden, or a leech. I get it. That’s the culture we grew up in. But when your government is firing every regulator and defunding every social safety program, it’s the people who are already the most vulnerable who suffer first.

In the states, we cultivate a mentality of “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.” But that expression was meant to convey irony. Remember “mutual assured destruction?” Same bullshit. No one — NO ONE — makes it up the ladder without a little help on the way. Whether it’s a small donation of one million dollars to fund your little business venture, or something mundane like driving on paved roads that someone else built for you to use, the essence of society is of sharing resources, of getting help when we need it, and helping others when we can. Social safety programs formalize this, and they exist because we know that when the least of us benefit in society, everyone does. Or at least, that’s how it’s supposed to be. Doing something impossible is not a rite of passage.

Several other western countries barely dodged the bullet that hit America. Lookin’ at you Canada. And you Australia. That’s right, we saw your elections. Nice job seeing that one coming. But we couldn’t get it done. And now, millions of people’s lives hang in the balance. Will they have public insurance to pay their medical bills? Will they have federal housing assistance by the end of the year? Will they be able to feed their families when they’re arbitrarily kicked off food stamps? Hell, will we be able to get a flu shot this winter? It’s about to get really hard for a lot of people who already had it hard. And there’s no shame in being vulnerable in the midst of this uncertainty and chaos.

So let’s take a moment to challenge that inner saboteur keeping you from asking for help when you really need it. So, what do you have to say for yourself?

Saboteur: If I ask for too many things, people are going to think I’m a leech, and then I’ll end up alone without any friends to rely on.

Aqua: Then don’t be a leech. It’s that simple. Can’t afford to pay rent for a few months while you look for a job? Keep the house clean. Take care of the dogs. Cook dinner every night when people get home from work. It takes a little effort, but if you’re broke, contribute in others ways that your roommates find valuable. If you can do that, then no one will consider you a leech while you find your feet again. And if you don’t know what you could possibly do to contribute, ask. I guarantee they’ll have an answer. What else you got, Saboteur?

Saboteur: If I hit hard times, I can just open up for emergency commissions. I’ll work to make sure anyone helping me knows I’m not just a lazy bum begging for a handout.

Aqua: Great idea! In theory. But how much time and energy will it take to turn around 50 emergency commissions at 10 dollars a pop? You sure you’re not gonna burn yourself out? Because you know what’s bad for business, artists? A commission list you can’t ever hope to clear. A reputation for taking people’s money with the promise of sweet, sweet line art, but never delivering the goods. A line out the door waiting for deliverables while you open up for more commissions because it turns out 10 bucks a commission isn’t paying the bills.

Be realistic about what you can do and what your time is worth. It might be more practical to ask a friend for one, big favor, and then do something really, really special for that one friend in return, than to turn to the masses and bribe them with cheap telegram stickers and Bluesky icons. Just be up front if you’re not going to be able to pay them back. Your friends will tell you what they want in return, if anything. What’s next?

Saboteur: If I can’t afford groceries this paycheck, I can go to one of those paycheck advance places. I’d rather do that than be a burden on my friends and family.

Aqua: Whoa whoa whoa. Nope. Hold on. Stop the music. I’m going to make this as clear as possible for you. (flames) Do not ever — EVER — even consider walking into a payday loan office. I’m gonna quote Sarah Silverman on this one: If you’re thinking about a payday loan or a title loan, do literally anything else. Sell your vintage video game collection. Sell feet pics online. Get really into findom. Fucking humble yourself and ask a friend for some money. Almost any other solution is better than taking out a payday loan and will end up hurting you less. If you can pay back a payday loan, you can pay back your friend Dave, MUCH FASTER. Dave’s patient, and he’s not charging you 400% interest… or much more. Seriously, go watch John Oliver’s thing about Predatory Lending on youtube, and (flames) never take a payday loan.

Saboteur: Things are really tough, but my head’s still above water. If I ask for help too early, then I won’t be able to ask for help when I really need it.

Aqua: Hey, I get it. If you feel like you can dig your way out of the hole you’re in, it makes sense to try before asking someone else for help. Doesn’t it? Maybe not, actually. I think that means you’re one setback away from a really big problem. If you’re stuck in a small hole, pulling you out is pretty easy for me. You just need a helping hand to brace against while you climb out. But if you’re down at rock bottom, now I gotta get rope, and find something to tie it to, and really put my back into it to get you out of there.

So stop it. Get some help. And if the message isn’t clear yet: (flames) Quit being afraid of asking for help when you need it! Because the longer you wait to ask, the worse it is for everybody. We champion being appreciative and considerate of the kindness afforded to us, and making sure we don’t take advantage of our friends, but asking for help is not exploitation. And your friends probably want to help anyway, if they can. There is joy in helping others — sometimes making another person’s day is its own reward. So give them the chance! You built that support network. Now use it!

And if you’re feeling like your personal friend group is collectively trying to keep their heads above water, consider turning to the community. Food pantries and mutual aid programs exist in almost every part of the country, and they’ve traditionally served groups who are the most vulnerable through collective action and community building. During the AIDS crisis in the 1980’s, queer people weren’t getting adequate aid from a government that flat out refused to acknowledge there was an epidemic, so they built their own health clinics, food pantries, and even therapy groups to uplift the entire community. And during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic, mutual aid programs popped up all around the country supporting communities hardest hit by medical and economic hardship.

If you look out into your community and you see an opportunity to start your own mutual aid group — say, perhaps, a fund for zoos struggling with medical bills for their companions? Or maybe a network for finding animals new homes when people suddenly need housing and run up against breed-specific legislation? — resources exist to help you get started, and we’ll link some in the show notes.

We’re all in this together. For those of us that are lucky enough to be doing more than just surviving, remember a time when someone helped you out when you were in a pinch, and pay it forward within your means. It doesn’t mean letting people exploit you, but it does mean not treating people like a burden when they’re struggling to survive.

And never forget to appreciate how lucky you are to be in good health and prosperity right now, and always. Any one of us could find ourselves in a bad place at some point or another, and people don’t make it through hardship by stubbornly pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and doing everything by themselves like some angsty Hemingway protagonist. That is a myth.

So when you see a fellow zoo down on their luck, just remember: “There but for the Grace of Dog go I.”

CALL SIGN: 106.6, The Ark: Zoo Pirate Radio.

Zoos In Space - Zero Wing

The Stallion: Thaaaat’s right! You’re tuned into 106.6 The Ark, live from the first seafaring vessel to be haphazardly shot into orbit without burning up on exit!

Will: We may have some killer radiation tans when we get back down to earth, though.

Yarrrkito: That’s how Mr. Fantastic got his super powers, though, right?

The Stallion: That’s right, Yarrrkito! But don’t worry, dear, dear, dear listeners. Our zooey engineers have thought of everything. Every crack has been sealed, every pane of glass has been replaced, and every surface has been properly shielded to make sure our journey around Earth is a safe one. At this point, we’ve reached our apogee and turned on the gravity diffusers, so now it’s time to relax. We did it ladies!

(Will lifts a glass to The Stallion silently.)

The Stallion: Yo ho ho! Will is silently toasting me with her cup of rum, ever the master of the non-visual medium of radio. Hell, I’ll drink to that. Set me up! We kicked off our journey with “Always Coming Home” by Shiv, their first new release since their debut album Lieder über Liebe. That’s “Songs About Love,” for those of you from the former British colonies.

Yarrrkito: It’s got a nicer ring to it in German, though.

The Stallion: True!

Will: (Handing out drinks) Yarrrkito, a rum and coke for you. The Stallion, a coke and rum for you, with an umbrella… aaand more rum for me, with a side of non alcoholic Busch Light to just offend as many of my ancestors as possible.

Yarrrkito: To the first successful flight of Yarrrkito and the Intergalactic Space Pirates, and the maiden voyage of the Reckless and Dangerous!

The Stallion: Cheers, mates!

(glasses clink, and three people gulp down their drinks.)

The Stallion: (harsh drink gasp) Ah… I feel like we could have gotten better rum for this occasion.

Will: I do have no taste, but also, we blew almost our entire budget on rocket fuel, so…

The Stallion: Folks, please consider donating to our alcohol fund. A dollar a day helps to keep our liquor cabinet stocked with middle shelf rum and tequila, quite literally keeping our cast and crew in good spirits. Alright, what’s next, Will?

Will: We’ve got an email from Hy-Z-na we can read!

The Stallion: Perfect! This letter is from, “It’s HyZna, with the American form of Z, pronounced ‘zee.’ It’s a play on words, you see, because Hyenas are a very attractive animal, and the Z indicates zoosexuality. You know, maybe there should be a limit on how many characters can be part of an alias—“

Will: I think the more said about how attractive hyenas are, the better.

The Stallion: Hear hear mate. Bugger, I’ve never seen such a long– (– alias before!)

(There is a loud shift, and everyone stumbles over audibly.)

Yarrrkito, Will, and The Stallion: Whoa!

Pearl: Uh, Zoo Crew, something’s wrong.

The Stallion: Houston, what’s going on?

Pearl: You’re being pulled out of orbit at an alarming speed!

Yarrrkito: Wait what? We’re falling toward Earth!?

Pearl: Negative, you’re falling away– (–from Earth!)

The Stallion: What? How is this happening?

Pearl: (cutting in and out) Someone… set up… us the… (the line is dead)

(continued tumultuous space noises)

Will: Uhhh, The Stallion, we are receiving some kind of signal that as best as I can tell does not have terrestrial origin.

The Stallion: What??

Will: Main screen, turn on! Incoming visual!

(radio adjusting, evil music playing)

&@$#: おいそがしそうだね、諸君!

Yarrrkito: What?

(evil music deflates… radio frequency adjusting… evil music playing.)

&@$#: Sie waren beschäftigt, meine Herren!

Will and The Stallion: Uh, what?

(evil music deflates… radio frequency adjusting… evil music playing.)

&@$#: How are you, gentlemen! You’ve been very busy, it seems!

The Stallion: Who the hell are you? What are you?

&@$#: Hail, crew of the Reckless and Dangerous. You’ve violated intergalactic code ȡ ɕ ɤ̞ subsection ꞎ : broadcasting seditious audio with the intent of inciting an uprising.

The Stallion: What are you talking about? There’s no way that’s a real law!

&@$#: Rest assured, The Stallion! I just wrote it into law three Earth minutes ago! With the cooperation of the Tri-System Republic, your ship has been commandeered by Chancellor &@$#. You are on the way to destruction. You have no chance to survive.

—

(aside)

Will: Houston do you copy?

(sigh.)

—

&@$#: I suggest you treasure what little remains of your lives. Ha ha ha ha ha!

(BANG! SCARY SPACE SOUNDS as The Reckless and Dangerous is pulled along by a tractor beam.)

Will: Strap in! Seatbelts, kids, seatbelts!

The Stallion: Yarrrkito, stabilize and then give me five ex more juice on the port thrusters.

Yarrrkito: Aye aye.

The Stallion: Will, I need ears with Houston back.

Will: In progress.

Yarrrkito: Upping port thrusters in three… two… (one…)

_(FWOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh…)

(Noises calm down.)

The Stallion: Sitrep. Yarrrkito.

Yarrrkito: Turbulance is stabalized, exact trajectory isssss I’ll let you know in a moment.

The Stallion: Will.

Will: No contact with Houston. I’ll leave our porch light on, but, whatever that was seems to have distrupted comms from Terra.

The Stallion: Aqua?

Aqua: (radioing from the aft) Yup, this end of the ship is still here, and my d4’s rolled 517 if you’re calculating damage.

The Stallion: (Still shaken, but amused) Ahhh, noted. Anything else? Going once…

Will: We are still broadcasting if you care.

(Shrug, just offering that info.)

The Stallion: Copy. Going twice… (Gone.) So what now?

Yarrrkito: Well, firstly, we need to find out what that transmission meant by us being “on a path to destruction.” And then…

(Just noticed something.)

Yarrrkito: Um… Actually more importantly… where is Earth?

(Hangs…)

The Stallion: Where is the sun, even?

Will: (unexpected technical difficulties) We’re going to… cut to… commercials, or, whatever’s next, and, we’ll share whatever we’ve figured out when we come back.

The Zooier Than Thou Theme (Chiptune Version) (song)

(Instrumental)

Sponsors

Announcer: The Zooier Than Thou radio show on 106.6 The Ark is sponsored by Pocketsnax™ Bite-Sized Apple Nuggets from Equestria Mills. They fit in your pocket, so the mares will always know you’re happy to see them when you come around! Equestria Mills: we are literally Horse People.

106.6 The Ark is also brought to you by contributions from Listeners Like You. Listeners Like You: Our entire reason for being.

Find our humble pirate broadcast on the web at zoo.wtf, and subscribe using rss.zoo.wtf to get notified every time we’re on the air.

Aqua’s Incomplete Guide to Surviving Fascism - Film It

Aqua: OK, so, it sounds like everyone up on the bridge is panicking, but I’m down here safe and sound in the main recording cabin with extra toasty Cheez-Its and beer, so we’re doing alright. And if that recording light is on, that means it’s time for tip number two: Film It.

Surveillance cameras are everywhere. About 1 million cctv cameras exist in London alone, which is roughly one camera for every 10 people. But how many smart phones do you think exist in all of London? Around there world there are billions of smartphones. Which means there are billions of tiny, high quality, roaming cameras, and almost all of them are owned by people. US. If there’s anything the last decade has taught us, it’s that our cell phone cameras may be the single most powerful tool we carry around on our person literally at all times. Whether it’s capturing harrowing images of civil unrest and police brutality, or recording the details of a common traffic stop, cell phone videos are critical for documenting public activity, an insurance policy against abuse if you’re taken into custody, and sometimes the very difference between life and death. Video footage you own and that you control creates accountability. And even if you’re someone who’s not a fan of Black Lives Matter or paying attention to political unrest in countries you couldn’t find on a map, you can’t deny the value of having a dash cam video during a crash, or filming a Karen trying to make her problem your problem. Have the day you deserve, Karen!

For some of you, the reality of needing to film your encounters with the police–and the people who call them–is an obvious and shitty part of your lived experience. For others, this might be the first time you’ve seen your neighbors being arrested by plain-clothes government officers and shoved into unmarked vehicles without so much as a warrant. And when it’s your word against the police, or against the government, a video might be the only thing that saves you. Knowing there’s a camera changes how people act. And if cops can dismiss their mass surveillance programs claiming you have no expectation of privacy anywhere in public, then they don’t deserve one solitary second of privacy, either. Weird how often their body cams malfunction and ours don’t, isn’t it?

They say a grand jury would indict a ham sandwich. Well, guess what, a grand jury just declined to indict the guy who threw a sandwich at a fed in the nation’s capitol. And he has independent video to thank for that.

Drunk white guys doing stupid shit aside, marginalized people have known this forever. Their communities have always been at risk during encounters with police, and if you’ve got it twisted, zoos are one of those marginalized communities. The police might claim you held your animal hostage, where video footage could support your claim that you were protecting them from police aiming their weapons at your dog. Just a reminder, police shoot thousands of dogs every year, not just humans.

But recording the police can be dangerous, so there are a lot of things to keep in mind to protect yourself and the victims, and make sure your video actually sees the light of day. Let’s play through a scenario.

Bystander: Oh, shit, something bad is going down. I think that guy is in trouble, and the cops aren’t treating him fairly! What do I do?

Aqua: First thing’s first: take a deep breath, calm down, and move slowly. In America, you have a right to film officers and ICE officials in public, but there may be certain restrictions in government buildings and other facilities, so be mindful. And don’t forget about your own safety. If a law enforcement officer sees you quickly pull something from your pocket, they might mistake it for a weapon. Reach for your camera calmly, and film openly. Start recording — but don’t livestream what’s happening publicly as it could become a liability for the person involved. If you have an app like Parachute, now’s the time to use it.

Bystander: O-O-OK, I’m filming. But uh… what should I film?

Aqua: Focus on the officers, not the victims. And capture any context clues that you can — street signs, clocks that show the time of day, badge numbers, departments, weapons, uniforms, vehicles, warrants, documents, number of officers present, anything that corroborates the time, place, and people involved — but not the victims. Anything that reveals their identity could be used against them, either in retaliation or in a court of law. According to WITNESS Inc., especially when dealing with ICE, it’s important not to mention any personal details about the people they’re after, including criminal history, immigration status, or even their identity. Be sure to take the entire video in one shot, no breaks.

Bystander: Uh, uh… the officer is telling me to get back. What do I do?

Aqua: Comply with any order given by the officers, and document yourself complying. If they tell you to step back, film yourself walking backwards, and audibly confirm you’re complying.

Bystander: What if he’s ordering me to stop filming?

Aqua: If they tell you to stop filming, you can say, “Officer, I’m exercising my right to document this arrest.” Remember, cops are allowed to lie, and they may try to stop you from recording or even take your phone. It is illegal for them to seize the footage or delete it, but it doesn’t mean they won’t try. If they attempt to take your phone by force, lock the phone. Record with your phone locked if possible.

Bystander: Lock the phone?

Aqua: That’s right. Don’t give them access to your data. And here’s something really important: make sure your phone is protected by a six-digit pin code, or stronger. Passcodes have stronger constitutional protection, because it’s something you might know, not something you ARE. Face ID and biometric thumbprints might be convenient, but you can be forced to unlock your phone if they’re secured by these measures. You can still use biometric locks day to day, but learn how to disable them instantly before things get spicy. iOS and Android both have this feature.

Bystander: W-what do I do if they take my phone?

Aqua: Good question. Make sure your videos and photos are being stored in a secure cloud server automatically, something like iCloud or Google Drive, in case officers try to illegally destroy or seize your device or the footage. Turn on cloud backup over cellular data, if your plan can handle it. This is where apps like Parachute come in — it automatically uploads footage to a secure cloud as you film and deletes it from your device so it can’t be tampered with. $2.99 a year allows you to securely film 3 incidents, with other plans in the unfortunate event you need to use it more often. Being prepared for anything is the Boy Scout motto for a reason.

Bystander: Holy shit, holy shit, they’re wrestling him to the ground and he’s crying out for help! What do I do?

Aqua: I know you want to help, but if things get violent, stay calm, and don’t get involved. You have the right to document what’s happening as long as you don’t interfere with the arrest. Your footage is your weapon against the violence you’re witnessing. Let the video do the talking.

Bystander: Oh my God, I’m literally fucking shaking right now. I’ve never seen anything like that before. What am I supposed to do with this video now that I have it?

Aqua: For starters, don’t edit it — not the footage, not even the file name. And if you are going to edit it, make a copy, and keep the original safe and unchanged. A lot of people post their videos on social media, but this can actually hinder the victim’s case and potentially open them up to retaliation by the general public. Instead, work with the victim’s family and, if they have one, their lawyer, so they can decide what to do with the footage. If you don’t have access to their family, go to a reputable advocacy group or journalist. I’m not talking about Live Leak, here, I mean people who have authority and legitimacy, such as your state branch of the ACLU or a local news reporter.

Bystander: Jeez… that might be the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Aqua: Yeah. Standing up to law enforcement and government officers can be a truly harrowing experience, but it could be the difference between life and death, asylum and deportation, or freedom and prison. If you do it right, you could make a huge positive difference for someone in the most vulnerable moments of their life. So if you want to help, stay calm, keep your distance, and Film It.

If you’re concerned about your own safety at the hands of government officials, it may be worthwhile to invest in a resource such as TurnSignl. It’s 5 bucks a month, but you can have a lawyer in your pocket who can help you when the police pull you over. For some of us, this isn’t something we think about very often. But for people of color, especially African Americans and anyone who even looks Hispanic, this app can be a Dogsend. TurnSignl will securely record your interactions with police during traffic stops, upload the videos to a remote server automatically, and put you in touch with a lawyer who will be present throughout the traffic stop to deescalate the situation and protect your rights.

There’s nothing more convincing than raw, unedited video footage, in the court of public opinion, or even in a court of law. When you’re worried about government officials overstepping their bounds, sometimes your greatest weapon against tyranny is already in the palm of your hand.

The Metro

Narrator: A stream of people got off. I got on, overthinking about how I have to get off in three stops at the Maple station, wait six minutes, and then catch the H loop up to the north side. I shuffled past others who were already implanted in their seats, and sat down on an empty region of vinyl over foam padding… and now… there you are across from me.

You are a dreamcatcher. Artificial light comes in through the window, hangs in the tufts of the fur on your face, and then Heaven’s light shines forward to me. We lock eyes, and stare, for days, at one another.

I meet your gaze, and I see a thousand evenings we spent throwing a ball around a field as the sun was setting; I see a hundred thousand times I made you dinner, cooked something special, just for you, while your bowl was on the counter and you watched me, knowing what that meant, and wagging, making little steps forward and giving little wuh’s and other enunciations, eager for me to be done with your meal so that you can have it…

Who ARE you?

I snap out of it. I break myself away from our stare, and glance around, suddenly feeling this hanging weight of being so self conscious…

…Nobody is even looking at us.

Nobody Speaks on the Metro (song)

Zipwok: Nobody speaks

On the metro

Nobody cares

Nobody knows

Nobody speaks

On the metro

Nobody knows

This is your song

You just sit there

Loud and quiet

While I wonder

What is going through your

Mind as you look

Into my heart

For every 4 beats

My heart will skip half

And you just sit there

Loud and quiet

While I wonder

What is going through your

Mind as you look

Into my soul but

Nobody cares and

Nobody knows

Hey

Who are you

Is it true

That you want to speak to me too

Time has stopped, we have too

And I really want to say

Hey

Who are you

Is it true

That you want to speak to me too

Time has stopped, we have too

And I really want to say

Hey

Who are you

Is it true

That you want to speak to me too

Time has stopped, we have too

And I really want to say

Hey

Who are you

Is it true

That you want to speak to me too

Time has stopped, we have too

And I really want to say

Hey

Who are you

Is it true

That you want to speak to me too

Time has stopped, we have too

And I really want to say

Nobody speaks

On the metro

Nobody cares

Nobody knows

Nobody speaks

On the metro

Nobody knows

This is your song

You just sit there

Loud and quiet

While I wonder

What is going through your

Mind as you look

Into my heart

For every 4 beats

My heart will skip half

And you just sit there

Loud and quiet

While I wonder

What is going through your

Mind as you look

Into my soul but

Nobody cares and

Nobody knows

You just sit there

Loud and quiet

While I wonder

What is going through your

Mind as you look

Into my heart

For every 4 beats

My heart will skip half

And you just sit there

Loud and quiet

While I wonder

What is going through your

Mind as you look

Into my soul but

Nobody cares and

Nobody knows

But nobody cares and

Nobody knows

But nobody cares and

Nobody knows

CALL SIGN: 106.6, The Ark: Zoo Pirate Radio.

Zoos in Space - Brad’s Intergalactic Sexcapades

(Chipper music.)

The Stallion: Are we back? Okay, good, good. That was, Zipwok, with the captivating track, “Nobody Speaks on the Metro.” Zipwok’s been teasing a new album all year, and it’s finally out! If you haven’t picked up Paw Pads from Zipwok’s Bandcamp yet, you’re missing out! Before that, we had Aqua, sharing some fantastic tips to counter fascism: Film It, don’t you forget it. And juuuust before that, I hit the wrong button and accidentally played a chiptune version of a familiar theme song, arranged by none other than Painted! Thanks, Painted, for keeping us in good spirits! And, now that we’ve had some time to regroup and analyze what all of the Reckless and Dangerous’s instruments are telling us, I believe Will and Yarrrkito were going to give us an update on what we know about our current predicament. Ladies?

Will: Okay, so, we have figured out part of what the fuck is going on.

Yarrrkito: Part of it.

Will: Part of it. As you may recall, dear listeners, if you’ve been tuned in since the start of our broadcast, we have been broadcasting using genuine, tried and true, real and tested Zeta Waves ever since we got up here into space. Zeta Waves, using particle slingshot loop-de-loops, travel faster than radio waves– meaning, they travel faster than the speed of light– and PRIMARILY, we were merely happy about getting to broadcast with Zeta Waves from up here because it allowed us to broadcast our space pirate radio message to the entire planet at once.

Yarrrkito: With VERY good fidelity.

Will: WITH very good fidelity. However. We may have sniffed more Doberman ass than we can lick here–

Yarrrkito: That’s not a phrase.

Will: We may have bitten off more than we can chew–

Yarrrkito: There you go.

Will: Turns out, because these Zeta Waves are, in fact, SIGNIFICANTLY faster than light, we are broadcasting to… the actual entire galaxy at once? Or at least a very big bubble of it. The BAD news is that this seems to have invited some… nefarious… unexpected attention… and we seem to have been sucked into an entirely different region of the galaxy from our home solar system. The GOOD news is that… Earth can probably still hear us?

Yarrrkito: We speculate that our Zeta Waves are still able to reach Earth. But, because nobody on Earth is able to transmit Zeta Waves BACK, this communication is a one-way street.

Will: Right. We can speak to Houston, and in fact all of Planet Earth still, for that matter, but nobody on Earth is able to hold up the other side of the conversation right now. We’re too galactically far away. (Shrug.)

Yarrrkito: There’s other bad news too.

Will: Rrrright. Among the concerns are the unknown destination we’re being pulled towards, the speed at which we’re being pulled towards it, and… well…

The Stallion: We’re not sure the hull can withstand whatever hyper-speed tractor-beam wormhole bullshit is happening for much longer. We’ve tuned it out with noise cancellation, but it sounds like the whole thing is about to collapse in on us like a zooey neutron star at any moment. This could genuinely be our last broadcast, folks.

Will: But what a righteous way to go out.

The Stallion: And what an honor to go out with a crew like this one.

Yarrrkito: Yarrr.

Will: On the bright side, one major scientific question answered: definitely bigger than two football fields.

The Stallion: We’ll be broadcasting right up until the bitter end, so stay tuned to find out what awaits us at journey’s end! Could it be a Deathstar?

Will: I want it to be a Deathstar.

The Stallion: An ultra-maximum security space prison?

Yarrrkito: I don’t want it to be a space prison.

The Stallion: Or a supermassive – (–black hole…)

Will: Oh, hey, we’re… we’re getting another signal.

Yarrrkito: Houston?

Will: No, I don’t think this is terrestrial.

The Stallion: Chancellor &@$#?

Will: No, this is different. Main screen turn on!

 Tabuna Kaymbo: Hail, Reckless and Dangerous! Can you hear me?

Yarrrkito: Oh, no, he’s hot.

Tabuna Kaymbo: My name is Tabuna Kaymbo of Delta Corvi Rebel Colony ȡ. I am reaching out to you at great peril in order to triangulate your position. Hang on, Reckless and Dangerous, we’re going to try to rescue you.

Yarrrkito: Ohhh, my god, he looks like Revali.

The Stallion: He’s a sight for sore eyes is what he is. Tabuna Kaymbo, is it? Boy, are we glad to see you!

Tabuna Kaymbo: We need to keep communication open for a few… um… (trying to figure out a relative time for Earth) minutes, I guess… to figure out your trajectory.

The Stallion: Can you give us any idea about what’s going on?

Tabuna Kaymbo: You folks have a lot of Moxie, putting on a show like that, is what! And that music! It’s like nothing we’ve ever heard before!

The Stallion: Wh— Wait, slow down, what are you talking about?

Tabuna Kaymbo: I thought Django Reinhardt was revolutionary, but Shiv? Hi-de-ho, I’ve never heard anything like it! And to broadcast a song about a rabbit shacked up with two dogs? That took a lot of guts, gang!

Will: Well thank you, Tabuna Kaymbo. I’m an enormous Shiv fangirl myself, although I do have to say, I’m pretty sure we have played more subversive music than even that. If you liked that one you should stay tuned.

Tabuna Kaymbo: Predator and prey, in a symbiotic relationship, as equals? Let’s just say the whooooole galaxy catches your drift. And that’s why the chancellor is going bananas.

Yarrrkito: Wait, are you telling us being a zoo is outlawed throughout the entire Milky Way galaxy?

Tabuna Kaymbo: Not sure what that means, but the Tri-System Republic has statutes governing the intermingling of different… what would you call them… races?

The Stallion: Yuck, I don’t like the sound of that.

Tabuna Kaymbo: Yeah, well, that chancellor’s a real nogoodnik. Things weren’t always like this. Used to be, hey, you’re good at this, I’m good at that. We might have a whole different way about seeing the universe, but we get along real swell. Let’s help each other out and stick together, and maybe we can grow old together, too.

Will: That’s kind of beautiful.

Tabuna Kaymbo: But things got all topsy-turvy when the Tri-System Republic came into power. Suddenly there were tiers of races based on certain characteristics. To put it in common terms, you and I would be tier 4, right in the middle. And my sweetheart, under the new system, was considered tier 2. It started with general segregation, but it wasn’t long before tier 3 and tier 2 were considered inferior, and mingling with them was considered debasing. Things got really, really ugly, and those who remained defiant often ended up disappearing. So naturally, we flew the coop.

The Stallion: Holy hell.

Tabuna Kaymbo: The Chancellor has a lot of power and influence, and as you can see, some kind of thingamajig that lets him snatch up ships from lightyears away if he can triangulate your position. Going against him is basically impossible. And I’m not saying that for lack of trying.

The Stallion: Fuck me dead.

Yarrrkito: Well have no fear! Yarrrkito and the Intergalactic Space Pirates are here to save the galaxy from tyranny!

Tabuna Kaymbo: Those tunes are really firing everyone up at the colony!

Marimba Dakka: We’ve got their position, Kaymbo!

Tabuna Kaymbo: Aces! Dakka, come say hi to our subversive radio jockeys!

Marimba Dakka: Well, blow me down!

Will: Doggie!

Marimba Dakka: You fellas sure look a lot like Brad.

Yarrrkito: Brad? You can’t mean…

Will: Wait, Brad’s there? The Brad? Bradarino? The Bradster?

Marimba Dakka: Brad! Someone get Brad’s attention! (Dakka continues to get Brad to come over)

Tabuna Kaymbo: Well, gang, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

The Stallion: Let’s start with the bad news so we can breathe a sigh of relief with the good news.

Tabuna Kaymbo: Based on your trajectory, I’d say Chancellor &@$# is bringing you straight to him, and if I had to guess, he’ll either dust you off on the spot or disappear you, which might be worse.

The Stallion: And the good news?

Tabuna Kaymbo: We have some time before you arrive to come up with a plan to get you out of hyperspace.

The Stallion: How much time?

Tabuna Kaymbo: About one Earth hour.

The Stallion: That’ll be great, if our ship lasts that long.

Tabuna Kaymbo: Actually, the only reason it’s going to take an hour is because he’s throttling the speed to make sure your ship doesn’t come apart in the process. Which probably means he has plans for you.

Brad: Whoa, it’s my favorite radio hosts in the whole galaxy!

Will: Brad! It is you!

Yarrrkito: How did you get way out here?

Brad:  Wow, So it’s a funny story actually. I’d signed up for an experimental procedure I saw advertised in Wild Animal Review, the purpose of which was to test Neuralink’s forthcoming consciousness transfer app’s Bluetooth functionality by zapping my consciousness into a patent pending, psycho receptive, Android body, during which an unanticipated solar flare deflected the transfer, first through the phone of a lab assistant browsing e621 on the sly, and then through a wormhole to the distant planet Zatar, inhabited by unusually hospitable beings who lost little time initiating me sexually into their exceptionally horny society without so much as a background check, as is their custom. And I not wanting to be an ungracious guest decided that when in Rome, as the saying goes, which Rome incidentally was also the name of my first, shall I say, “cultural contact” there. So maybe I ought to say that when I was in Rome, I did what Rome wanted me to do, a favor which was most graciously and copiously returned in kind—

Will: _(Cutting in)_Brad Brad Brad Brad Brad: What do the aliens look like?

Brad: Well, humanoid, as I said, but improved with various tastefully zoomorphic features. Absolutely the best of both worlds in my own humble opinion. For instance, Rome, whom I mentioned a moment ago, was a strong but lithe lupine lady who taught me the “triangular tango” as she called it, and her rhinoceroid friend Hrrmph, who had, to be honest, quite the most prodigious pair of prominent protuberances, both proboscuid and pelvic, if you follow.

Will: (so pleased) FUCK YEAH.

Brad: Yeah, buddy! See, this guy knows! But anyway, the hiccup with the Neuralink app took a while to sort itself out, and at about this time, and for a while after, it sent me seemingly at random off to weird and wild points of the galaxy in which I gained biblical knowledge, if you will, of more beings of more types than I’d ever dreamed existed, which was great and all don’t get me wrong, but after seemingly endless erotic escapades of an almost preposterously pansexual persuasion, which included but — and I can’t stress this enough — was not limited to being reamed by the relentless rhino of Wreckurass 9 and phallically fustigated by Triangula Squeezenbits, the canid courtesan of Zooroticon 6. I eventually found my way to a Sheckleytron 5000 Interspecific Mind Swap Machine, which to answer your question, led me here.

Will: Bradalicious.

The Stallion: Man, this is surreal. All those years dodging the Coast Guard, I never thought we’d be tractor beamed through hyperspace by the Space Gestapo.

Will: Definitely one for the scrapbook.

Yarrrkito: We’re still broadcasting, by the way.

The Stallion: Oh, right! It’s probably about time for another commercial break. And stay tuned for new music by some up-and-coming zoo-sicians! Here on 106.6, Thhhheeeee Ark!

Non-Euclidean Sex Ad Spot

Zooey: Euclidian restrictions on what sexual positions are possible: huge bummer, right? Who didn’t see the video game Portal for the first time and think, “Ohhhhhh the not-safe-for-TV things I would do with that technology.” Whether you have solo ambitions or whether you’ve got a whole crew behind you–and to the left of you, and to the right of you, and–

(WEEEEE-OOOOOOO-ERRRRR, TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED.)

&@$#: (starts sheepish although quickly gains confidence) Did we patch in? Are we rolling? Excellent. Greetings, loyal citizens of the Tri-System Republic. &@$# Ltd. is now hiring NORMAL, VILLAINOUS GOONS. Do you see no hope for the future, and accept that you might as well dedicate your life to helping an already powerful overload further consolidate his power over your local planetary system? Do you have valuable and important skills that you’re willing to put aside so that you can more fully live up to your pathetic potential as a worthless grunt moving the machinery along? Do you want competitive pay and sick leave with unparalleled Accidental Death and Dismemberment benefits? Consider signing up to be a goon–AN ACTUAL, TRAD GOON–at &@$# Ltd. today.

@&$# Ltd., where the only thing you’ll be maxing is my interplanetary domination! Mwahahaha!

Aqua’s Incomplete Guide to Surviving Fascism - Don’t Talk to Cops

Aqua: Dear all of zookind… I just happened to roll over to the galley and look out the porthole on the way, and I saw things I couldn’t begin to explain with words. It’s like an Eldritch Horror stretching out into infinity. Looks like we’re not in Kansas anymore. No one has bothered to radio down and let me know what’s going on, so for all I know, we’re being sucked into a black hole as we speak. But my bright, red “Recording” light tells me somewhere out there, you’re still listening. So here’s another tip in our Incomplete Guide to Surviving Fascism. Get ready. Because this one is evergreen.

Tip Number 3: Don’t Talk to Cops.

Despite the old adage, the truth will not set you free. In fact, even if you’re perfectly innocent, the truth is likely to put you behind bars. There is no advantage to ever talking with the police, for any reason, under any circumstances. “But Aqua,” you say. “I’m a law abiding citizen, and I just want to do my part to help out!” Allow me to quote your Miranda rights to you:

“Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.”

Notice how it doesn’t say it will be used for or against you in a court of law. That’s a very deliberate omission. There is only a guarantee that it will be used against you. And when they say anything you say, they mean anything. You don’t even have to be a suspect for this to bite you in the ass. History is full of stories where a witness’s statements have been used to put them behind bars. If you’re going to talk to police, you’d better make damn sure you have a lawyer present.

That’s easy enough to say, right? After all, what are you going to do when the police come knocking at your door? Ignore them? The answer might surprise you.

Allow me to put on my obligatory “I am not a lawyer” hat while I don the vestiges of senior partner at Zooey, Louie, and Orb, fake defense attorneys at law. Here at Zooey, Louie, and Orb, we use temporal analysis to assist our clients in making the right decisions before they end up on our doorstep. Let’s go talk to one of those clients now. Sherman, say hello into the mic.

Sherman: (Sheepishly) Hello.

Aqua: Now Sherman, let’s walk through your recent encounter with the police, shall we? Are you ready?

Sherman: No.

Aqua: Great. Most people aren’t prepared for this, so that’s perfect.

(knocking sounds)

Police: (Calmly, routinely) This is the police. Just need a quick word.

(pause scene)

Aqua: OK, let me actually pause right here. At this point, the moment police knock on your door, you know what you should absolutely NOT do? Open the door. You don’t even have to say anything or acknowledge that they’re there. Without a warrant, or exigent circumstances, or your consent, they can go kick rocks. And no, they’re not allowed to just sit there and wait for you to come out, or force you to open the door. Fourth Amendment, bitch.

Of course, this is specific to our American listeners; other countries have very different laws regarding when you can and cannot deny police entry into your home. But rest assured when police come a-knocking, they’re going to do everything in their power to get you to let them in without a warrant. In the US, police can even lie to you to get you to comply. Not answering in the first place and avoiding the start of a conversation is the best protection you have against against being cajoled into giving up your fourth amendment rights, or baited such that police don’t need your cooperation anymore.

Unfortunately, Sherman doesn’t know that.

(scene resumes)

Sherman: Can I help you?

Police: We’re actually looking for a Michael Cartwright who lives at this residence.

Sherman: Sorry, that person doesn’t live here.

Police: Mind if I verify your name, sir?

Sherman: Sure, it’s Sher—

Aqua: Pause. You’re under no obligation to do this, and in fact, that cop could be lying. Maybe he’s actually after Sherman Moore. You don’t know that, so don’t confirm it. Let’s rewind just a bit.

(rewind)

Police: Mind if I verify your name, sir?

Sherman: Sorry, officer, I don’t have time to talk. Michael Cartwright isn’t here.

Police: Right, well. Do you mind if we come in and verify that Michael’s not inside? Won’t take us long, we just need to make sure.

Sherman: I don’t consent to you searching my home.

Aqua: Nice. Be very specific and say this out loud, so it’s totally clear that your consent isn’t granted. Good job, Sherman.

Police: Hey, I get it. But I tell you what. We just need to verify that Mr. Cartwright isn’t on the premises. I don’t care if you have a mountain of cocaine on your coffee table. We’re only interested in making sure our guy isn’t hiding out inside, and we’ll be on our way.

Sherman: Well…

Aqua: That’s a lie, Sherman. You know if you actually had a mountain of cocaine on your coffee table, you’d be in the back of that squad car in a heartbeat. And you have no idea what they’re actually looking for. Anything in plain sight is fair game.

Sherman: I’m sorry. I don’t consent to my house being searched.

Police: Hey, I know your time is valuable. Now we can do this all day, or we can just do a quick search of the premises, just fwewp! In and out before you know it. You don’t have anything to hide, right?

Sherman: Uh…

Aqua: He’s trying to intimidate you, here. If he had probable cause he’d have already knocked down the door. And let’s be real. You don’t know if you have anything to hide, because nobody knows everything that should be hidden, which means everybody has something to hide.

Sherman: I’m sorry, if you don’t have a warrant, you can’t come inside. I’d really prefer if you left.

Aqua: Attaboy. If they don’t have a warrant, they can’t stick around. And if you ask them to leave, they’re obligated to leave. Alright Sherman, I got another client waiting in the next room who’s in some pretty serious trouble, so I’m gonna just… (marble rolling sound) there we go. Darius, you look like shit.

Darius: Things aren’t going well.

Aqua: Says here you’ve been arrested on bestiality charges. Seems like a relevant case study. Let’s check out the temporal analysis and see what happened.

(playback begins)

Deputy: Good morning, I’m Deputy Shields. Are you Darius Lipton?

Darius: yawn Yeah.

Deputy: Do you have a few minutes to answer a couple of questions?

Darius: I guess so.

(pause)

Aqua: Alright, pause for a sec, because we’re already off to a bad start. You realize that, right?

Darius: (defeated) It turned out they already had a warrant.

Aqua: Ah, I see. Well, considering you didn’t know, this probably shouldn’t have been your first move, but… we’ll keep going.

(play)

Deputy: Where were you last night?

Darius: Um, I went to see a friend’s band in the city. I got home late and went to bed… What’s this about?

Deputy: A neighbor reported seeing a sexual assault of a horse in your barn.

Darius: What? That’s ridiculous. Nobody was in my barn last night. When I got home, I said goodnight to my mare Luna and went inside to bed.

Deputy: I see. Well, I’m just following up on the report. Says here she actually claims she saw you.

Darius: That’s a lie! I love Luna! I’ve never done anything with her that she didn’t want. I wouldn’t hurt her.

Deputy: Is that so?

Darius: Have you ever been kicked by a horse? She could kill me. And nothing happened last night.

(stop)

Aqua: sigh I’m gonna tell you what every criminal defense lawyer tells their clients. Nothing you could have said would have stopped them from arresting you if they already had a warrant for your arrest. You should have just shut up.

Darius: He said I assaulted my mare! I’ve never forced her to have sex!

Aqua: Look, Darius. Most criminal cases end up with a guilty plea, whether the defense is guilty or not. But the plea should be the end of negotiating a case. There’s no advantage to admitting anything — anything — when talking to a cop. It doesn’t matter that what you say is true. Even if you think it will help you, it won’t.

Darius: You’re fucking kidding me! He said I raped her! I’ve never raped her! And besides, nothing happened that night. I hugged her and went to bed.

Aqua: You basically just told the cop that you have had sex with her at some point. And you said you were in the barn with her that night. So when the cop says that in court, do you think the court will believe that you didn’t have sex with her that night?

Darius: I told him all I did was hug her!

Aqua: Even if the cop believed that’s all you did, he wouldn’t be allowed to say it in court. It would be hearsay. And you should already know he was not asking you questions to be helpful.

Darius: (sadly) She’s never been forced. She loves the time I spend with her.

Aqua: Listen, even if I’m inclined to believe you, the law doesn’t care about that kind of nuance, and the court won’t care, either. Let’s rewind and try again.

(rewind)

Deputy: Good morning, I’m Deputy Shields. Do you have a few minutes to answer a couple of questions?

Darius: Sure.

Deputy: Where were you last night?

Darius: I went to see a friend’s band in the city. I got home late and went to bed.

Deputy: What time did you get home?

Darius: Gosh, it had to be after midnight.

(stop)

Aqua: sigh You should have just shut up.

Darius: What? I was telling the truth!

Aqua: Nobody ever remembers the whole truth, Darius. They have a neighbor’s door camera showing you arriving home at 11:30. So you just lied to a cop.

Darius: What? Not on purpose! Why would the time difference matter?

Aqua: When you’re in court, if they find you lied about any detail, you’re just seen as a liar. Even a small, accidental mistake is a big, big deal. The only time you aren’t making small mistakes is when you aren’t talking. Let’s try again.

(rewind)

Deputy: A neighbor reported seeing a sexual assault of a horse in your barn. I’m following up on the report. She actually claims she saw you last night.

Darius: That’s ridiculous. I was out last night. I wasn’t with my horse. Nobody was with her! … Waaaiit, a neighbor? I bet it was that bitch Edith. She’s been angry ever since I told the county that her rescue horses were starving.

Deputy: Hmm. So your neighbor knows you, and she recognizes you.

(stop)

Aqua: (exasperated sigh)

Darius: I was telling the truth!

Aqua: You just gave them confirmation that their witness could recognize you. The truth is still gonna be used to hurt you.

Darius: She’s an abusive bitch! She’s lying!

Aqua: It’s her word against yours, and you’ve just corroborated her story.

Darius: Fuck her!

Aqua: Look, as your fake defense attorney, I cannot stress this enough. (flames) Don’t fucking talk to the cops. Shut the fuck up. No matter how truthful or how innocent your words are, they will still be used to screw you over. Have I made myself clear, Mr. Lipton?

Darius: (quietly) Crystal.

Aqua: Do it again.

(rewind)

Deputy: Good morning, I’m Deputy Shields. Do you have a few minutes to answer a few questions?

Darius: yawn What’s this about?

Deputy: A neighbor reported seeing a sexual assault of a horse in your barn. She claims she saw you out there last night.

Darius: Whoa. This sounds serious. Um, no more questions until I have a lawyer, please. I’m exercising my right to remain silent.

(stop)

Aqua: Good. Very good. Now, let’s figure out your defense.

Darius: And how to get Luna away from that bullshit rescue group that took her.

Aqua: Yes, we’ll need to work out if we can protect her, too. My partner Louie will take over from here. You’re in good hands, Mr. Lipton.

Darius: Thanks. Feels like I’ve been holding my breath all day and now I have a little bit of room to breathe.

Aqua: Dear listeners, I truly cannot stress this enough. It doesn’t matter if you’re guilty or innocent. Police are trained to manipulate you. They know you don’t know your rights, and they are banking on you giving them up in order to get what they want.

When you talk to police, you are squaring up to a professional with training backed by decades of psychology research. The technique is called elicitation, and there are many methods. The four most common ones exploit your desire to appear competent, your desire to be helpful, your desire to be heard and appreciated, and your urge to correct wrong information. They don’t even have to ask questions to do this, just make some statement that’s obviously wrong, or sounds like they don’t believe you, and wait for you to give up way more information than they had, without realizing what you’ve done.

Even if you think you know what you’re doing, you don’t. Unless you’re ice cold under pressure, you’ll turn into an idiot.

Your best option is to keep your mouth shut, and if police do have a warrant signed by a judge, to audibly exercise your right to remain silent and answer absolutely no questions without a lawyer present. This is true in the best of times, but under a government that sends the national guard into cities to harass civilians sitting on their front stoop for looking suspicious, it’s absolutely essential. Don’t fucking talk to the cops, no matter what.

And Finally, Acceptance! (song)

(Instrumental)

Zoos in Space - Revali and Gender-Bent Wolf O’Donnell

The Stallion: Hello Milky Way! You are listening to the one, the only, The Ark! That crazy orchestral-chiptune track comes to us from a new artist on the scene, Rainfall, entitled, “And Finally, Acceptance!” a piece about coming to terms with being a zoophile. If you’re just tuning in, we’re getting sucked through hyperspace toward our inevitable demise, but our good friends from a rebel colony in the Delta Corvi star system have begun a rescue operation to help us get out of harm’s way and bring us back home.

Yarrrkito: In other news, I have a huge crush on Tabuna Kaymbo. There’s just something about those feathers…

Tabuna Kaymbo: (blushing) Aw, gosh.

Will: We’ve learned some interesting things over the past few minutes. Apparently Delta Corvi is just now receiving our radio broadcasts from the late 1930’s, and that is why aliens know English! Tabuna Kaymbo is a fan of Jack Benny and Dizzy Gillespie, and hates Art for Your Sake aaaand… (checking notes) Hitler! Nice.

Marimba Dakka: The American broadcasts are really well-beloved in our home star system. But in the Rho Indie star system, where the chancellor resides, there’s a lot of fervor for certain… European? Is that how you say it?

Will: We’re basically dealing with Space Hitler.

Yarrrkito: It’s Space Hitler.

The Stallion: It’s always Space Hitler.

Marimba Dakka: Well, there’s also that Benito fellow. And, erm, Franco?

Will: Yeah, fuck Franco. James Franco, if you’re listening you can huff my entire zoosexual trans ass.

Marimba Dakka: To be clear, the social stratification that exists today was beginning to take form many cycles before Hitler’s first appearance on the radio waves. Chancellor @&$# has been in power for as long as I can remember. But he certainly seems to have been inspired as of recent cycles.

Tabuna Kaymbo: But not to worry, gang! You’ve really inspired us! To hear there’s a part of our galaxy where this whole tier system of species doesn’t exist is all the motivation we need to set things right!

The Stallion: Well, about that.

Will: We’re kind of a rebel broadcast on our home planet, too.

Yarrrkito: The stuff you’re dealing with out here is just the normal way of things where we’re from.

Will: Except, now that I think about it, only when it’s the dominant species with any other species. Like, the whole rabbit and dog thing from the first song might look weird, but it probably wouldn’t be looked down upon. But when I want to sleep with a dog and then talk about it a lot on the radio, people lose their minds.

Marimba Dakka: And so you broadcast, even knowing there could be consequences?

The Stallion: The ship’s not called the Reckless and Dangerous for nothing!

Yarrrkito: Yarrr! We’re pirates in space and in our home waters!

Will: We think there’s something radical and transcendent about seeing other species as equals and choosing to spend our lives with them, and we’re willing to fight for that, in our own little way.

Tabuna Kaymbo: Wow… somehow, that’s even more inspiring! We’ll get you out of this mess lickety-split!

Yarrrkito: Look how his feathers poof up when he gets excited!!

Will: Uhh, I think we’ve got incoming.

The Stallion: What’s up, Will?

(static overtakes as the Chancellor interrupts their broadcast)

&@$#: Greetings, you so-called Intergalactic Pirates. I trust your trip through hyperspace has been pleasant thus far.

Will: We could do with a little less turbulence and maybe a smidge less mortal dread, but otherwise, it’s been an interesting experience.

The Stallion: What’s your game, Chancellor? Why pull us all the way through space when you could have killed us by now?

&@$#: (menacing chuckle into flat affect) Oh-ho-ho, rest assured, you will be relieved of your lives upon arrival. But your zeta wave transmitter intrigues me. Our ゑ waves utilize hyperspace to travel vast distances, but only in a single direction to a single source. But to be able to unify the entire Milky Way galaxy under a single doctrine in one broadcast? Now, that’s a power I’m interested in.

Yarrrkito: Well, sorry to burst your bubble, &@$# or whatever your name is. We’re not gonna stick around to let you get your hands on our tech!

&@$#: Oh-hoho, you mean your intrepid little rescuers? They were fools to reach out to you so directly. I’ve already triangulated their position based on their transmission, and my goons will be paying them a visit very soon. The punishment for treason is death, and as for the rest? Well, we do have use for beasts of burden in our lithium mines.

Yarrrkito: No… Tabuna Kaymbo! ;__;

The Stallion: You’re a real bastard.

&@$#: Did you really think you could just broadcast your seditious little radio play to the entire galaxy with no consequences? Or did you even think at all before wiring up your little zeta wave transmitter and flying into orbit around your puny little water planet? Spend the rest of your living moments lamenting over your folly, and how you’ve managed to doom an entire colony of miserable miscreants with the same misguided philosophies you revere in your little songs. Ciao!

(static as the transmission ends… heavy silence)

Yarrrkito: What do we do now?

Tabuna Kaymbo: Quit worrying, Yarrrkito. We’ll get you out of this mess.

Yarrrkito: But &@$# —

Marimba Dakka: The Chancellor isn’t any closer to finding us than he was a cycle ago.

Tabuna Kaymbo: We used a system of relays across the star system to send our communications. That lame-brain thinks he’s got the upper hand, but I’m a whiz at smoke-screening comm signals.

Will: Space VPN!

The Stallion: This might be a good time to plug our sponsor Nord VPN —

Aqua: (radio) Is anyone going to tell me what’s going on, or do I just sit here in the galley with my Cheez-Its?

The Stallion: Aqua! Wait, you don’t know what’s happening?

Aqua: No one has told me anything.

Will: We got tractor beamed through hyperspace by Space Hitler, and Revali and gender-bent Wolf O’Donnell are going to rescue us.

The Stallion: That’s one way to put it.

Aqua: Huh. OK. So, aliens?

Will: Aliens who learned to speak English from Jack Benny. Also, Brad’s here somewhere.

Aqua: Hmm! Chances we’re going to survive?

The Stallion: Not looking great, unless —

Marimba Dakka: We’ve got you locked in. Tractor beams create force fields to manipulate objects through hyperspace, but they require an uninterrupted flow of energy. So we’re going to interrupt that flow of energy and then divert you off course. Then we’ll have a small window of opportunity to grab you and pull you back into normal space before you tumble off into the ether never to be heard from again.

The Stallion: So no, not looking great.

Aqua: Gender-bent Wolf O’Donnell?

Marimba Dakka: Marimba Dakka and Tabuna Kaymbo, at your service!

Tabuna Kaymbo: It will probably get a little rocky as you tumble out of hyperspeed, so hang on tight!

Aqua: Hold on, I’ve gotta strap down this cargo. I’m not dealing with plastic death caltrops again.

Marimba Dakka: On your mark, gang!

The Stallion: Are we strapped in, ladies?

(a moment for people to get strapped in)

Will: Woof. Aye aye, captain!

Yarrrkito: Yarrr!

The Stallion: Aqua?

Aqua: Ready as I’ll ever be.

The Stallion: OK, we’re ready, Marimba Dakka! Let’s play our next song here so the entire galaxy doesn’t hear us collectively wetting our pants. This one’s an instant classic by Lyko. Here’s “Lycanthrope Lovers,” right here on 106.6 Theee Ark!

(Will, The Stallion, and Yarrrkito give a panicked “OH FUCK!” level scream as the craft topples into hyperspace, which is almost immediately cut off by the next song)

Lycanthrope Lovers (song)

Lyko: He took me out to the lake last night

The full moon was shining oh so bright

He held me close, he held me tight

Those furry arms felt oh so right

Werewolf Boyfriend

He’s an animal, but he’s my man

I knew our love would never end

Because he’s my werewolf

Werewolf Boyfriend

Steppin’ out tonight, hand in hand

Don’t need a leash cuz he understands

They say it’s wrong, but he’s big and strong

I wanna howl with him all night long

Werewolf Boyfriend

He’s an animal, but he’s my man

I knew our love would never end

Because he’s my werewolf

Werewolf Boyfriend

Awooo!

I love you, werewolf!

Werewolf Boyfriend

He’s an animal, but he’s my man

I knew our love would never end

Because he’s my werewolf

Werewolf Boyfriend

Werewolf Boyfriend

He’s an animal, but he’s my man

I knew our love would never end

Because he’s my werewolf

Werewolf Boyfriend

Aqua’s Incomplete Guide to Surviving Fascism - Don’t come to the United States

Aqua: Dear zooey freedom fighters, my inner sense of plot tells me that we’re reaching the climax of our voyage, and that means we only have time for one more tip. For all of you out there not listening from the United States, I appreciate your patience. Hopefully this knowledge session has been beneficial for you, as well. But when we started this journey, I promised I’d have at least one tip that’s just for you, and it’s my last one for now, so listen up.

Tip Number 4: Don’t come to the United States.

The United States is home to the three largest furry gatherings in the world, and where there are furries, there are zoos, traveling from every corner the world to meet with friends they only get to see once a year at best. Many of the largest amusement parks, the largest companies, and the largest cities are right here in the grand ol’ US of A. And it’s one of the most culturally and naturally diverse and beautiful places you’ll ever find. People seeking adventure, opportunity, and one-of-a-kind experiences flock to the US every year. Well, to all of you starry-eyed tourists looking for a place to go on holiday, I have an official message from our tourism board: Don’t Fucking Come Here. Please. Not right now.

A lot of you have already gotten the message loud and clear. There are some of you we were really hoping to see at Anthrocon this year. Planned for two years to make it happen. But then things changed. And suddenly the risk wasn’t worth it anymore.

And some of you are undoubtedly thinking, “You’re really blowing this out of proportion. Things aren’t that bad. They couldn’t be.” Well, allow us to paint a picture for you to make it clear just how far along we are right now.

---

Immigration Agent: Welcome to the United States.

Jan: (yawns) Thank you. Sorry, I’m very tired after the flight and an hour in the line.

Immigration Agent: What is the purpose of your visit?

Jan: I’m attending a convention.

Immigration Agent: How long will you be staying in the country?

Jan: Two weeks.

Immigration Agent: That is a long convention.

Jan: Oh, no. I will be visiting friends also.

Immigration Agent: How do you know those friends?

Jan: I met them online, but I’ve visited them before, too.

Immigration Agent: You met them online where exactly?

Jan: It was on, um… we play Final Fantasy 14 together.

Immigration Agent: Are you wearing a collar?

Jan: Um… Yes. It makes me feel good.

Immigration Agent: (chortles) So you want to feel like a dog?

Jan: Haha, something like that.

Immigration Agent: Are you by chance going to a furry convention?

Jan: I am.

Immigration Agent: Aren’t there a lot of… gays… at those?

Jan: Um. There are some, I guess. I’m ace, so I wouldn’t really care who is gay or straight.

Immigration Agent: You’re what?

Jan: Ace. I’m asexual. I’m not interested in, like, sex… with people.

Immigration Agent: Huh.

(some typing sounds)

Immigration Agent: OK, you have been selected for additional screening. Just walk through that door and hand them this document.

Jan: Wait, I don’t have that much time left until my next flight.

Immigration Agent: This is routine. We will try to be quick.

(scene change)

(door opening and closing sound)

Agent Wallis: Hi, I’m Officer Wallis. And you are Jan? (asked with a hard J)

Jan: Yes, my name is pronounced ‘yawn.’ Can we make this quick? I need to run to catch my next flight.

Agent Wallis: We’ll try.

Jan: Also, um, can I have my phone?

Agent Wallis: Don’t worry, you’ll get it back. Tell me about the purpose of your trip.

Jan: I’m going to Atlanta to attend a furry convention. Then I will be staying with friends for ten days.

Agent Wallis: A furry convention. So you have an animal costume?

Jan: Just a tail and paws. Those are in my bag.

Agent Wallis: What will you be doing at the convention?

Jan: I will go to workshops on art and costumes. Mostly it is social though. There are always parties. This is a holiday I have been waiting for all year.

Agent Wallis: Where are the friends you’ll be staying with after the convention?

Jan: They live in Marietta, Georgia.

Agent Wallis: I want you to write down all your social media accounts here.

Jan: Seriously?

Agent Wallis: Seriously.

(short scribbling sound, then typing sounds)

Agent Wallis: OK, your profile says you are an environmental analyst.

Jan: Yes, I study air and water quality impacts from climate change.

Agent Wallis: (grunts disapprovingly) That seems kind of pointless.

Jan: (sadly) I know. It’s always just getting worse.

Agent Wallis: If you say so. (more typing sounds) Mmm. OK, I see a post here where you wrote, “Fuck those bigots in Alabama and their anti-trans law.” You sound hostile towards America.

Jan: Wha— that post was years ago. I was just angry over a state law I read about.

Agent Wallis: Do you think boys should be playing girls sports?

Jan: What? I just think people should get to be themselves.

Agent Wallis: Uh-huh. And I see some other posts about the President.

Jan: Those were a long time ago. I haven’t posted anything except environmental data recently.

Agent Wallis: (sliding sound of paper on table again) Now write down all your other social media accounts under any other names. All of them. We can find them in our records, so don’t try to hide any, or you’ll be barred from ever visiting again.

Jan: (reluctantly) Umm, ok. (writing sound)

Agent Wallis: This says the account name is “EnviroWolfee”?

Jan: Yes.

Agent Wallis: The profile says “Sub Pup” and has three greek letters. What do those mean?

Jan: Um, I guess I like math?

Agent Wallis: Jan, you have to explain these.

Jan: They just say I’m therian. It means that I feel that I have an animal spirit.

Agent Wallis: (laughs) Riiiight. OK, the account’s posts are locked. I need you to unlock the account.

Jan: Um, I can’t. The password is at home.

Agent Wallis: Isn’t it on your phone?

Jan: It… might be? I’m not sure.

Agent Wallis: (drawer opening sound) Here’s your phone. Go ahead and unlock it for me.

Jan: I don’t have to, do I? It has private conversations.

Agent Wallis: We need to know what you are up to when you enter our country.

Jan: I can’t. It’s too personal.

Agent Wallis: Final chance, Jan. Or else you’ll be held until we can send you back home.

Jan: Come on! I spent thousands on this trip. I’ve visited before without any issues. Please, I’m just here to see friends.

Agent Wallis: So unlock your phone.

Jan: (fretting) Um, uh… Look, I just can’t do that.

Agent Wallis: OK, hand me back your phone, and sign this form acknowledging you are being refused entry, and will not be eligible to re-enter the United States in the future.

Jan: Forever?

Agent Wallis: Mhm.

Jan: F-f-f…damn it. There must be some other way.

Agent Wallis: Visiting America is a privilege only for those who cooperate.

Jan: (mumbling sound while reading, then signature scribbling) How soon can I fly home?

Agent Wallis: Probably this week, or next.

Jan: What?! Can’t you put me on a flight today?

Agent Wallis: We’ll see. For now, you’ll stay in detention.

Jan: (starting to sob) Let me call my family or friends. Please.

Agent Wallis: You can call them later.

Jan: (pleading) Please!

Agent Wallis: (dismissively) Cut it out, Jan. You’ll be fine.

(door slamming sound over whimpering)

---

Aqua: That scenario is fictional, but it’s based on actual experiences of real people. Our cast and crew personally know people who have been held for months in immigration detention facilities for trying to enter the country legally. We’re under an administration that is purging all records of queer identity and climate change from government resources and databases, and extrajudicially deporting actual citizens to a maximum security prison in El Salvador in the name of securing our borders. And while it’s true that if you’re “one of the good kind of people,” you’re less likely to be stopped than someone born with more than zero skin pigmentation, if there’s anything remotely “funny” about your name, the way you dress, or talk, or act, you could find yourself sitting in a tiny, windowless room for hours while someone interrogates you for no goddamn reason. If you’re really unlucky, you might find yourself in one of our world-class detention centers, famous for their lack of privacy, poor sanitation, sleep deprivation, unbearable heat, and lack of basic human decency. And now alligators.

But let’s say you decide, “Fuck it, Aqua. I’m not missing MFF for the world,” then you really need to know what you’re up against. At the US border, you don’t have any rights. You can be detained indefinitely, and you have no right to privacy. So don’t bring your smart phone, or your computer, or anything that might have sensitive data across the border with you. Unlike in normal circumstances, you can be compelled to enter your password and unlock your devices or be denied entry into the country, and they will just straight up steal your shit. If you’re going to come across the border, button up. No collars, or tails, no animal noises, or any signs of queerness, or you might get selected for “additional screening,” which is code for the aforementioned “being held in a small room for hours and interrogated for no goddamn reason.” You can be compelled to hand over every single shred of identifiable information, from your ID card to your AD account, and even if you ask for a lawyer, you could be waiting for literal days while they try to wear you down and deny you access to an attorney. All of this can happen anywhere within 160 km of any border crossing.

Frankly, a lot of this stuff was already true. The difference is the scope and the scale at which our current administration is ramping up hostility at our nation’s borders, and the fact that they don’t care about laws or due process or visas or even fucking birthright citizenship. Posting a meme about the vice president is enough to get denied entry. The Border Isn’t Safe, and it’s just not worth the risk to try to cross it. So don’t put yourself in danger, Don’t Come to the United States, and wait a few years to see if things improve before planning your next trip to FWA.

And you may ask yourself, “How the fuck did we get here?” Well, it wasn’t overnight. This is the culmination of decades of erosion, and at least one full decade of radicalization, and a lot of quiet steps further and further to the right. And it’s a crisis of feckless leadership and institutions bending to the whims of a reckless administration with absolutely no regard for decency or decorum, one that doesn’t care that “it’s not the way we do things,” one that’s exploiting every loophole and formality they can find while members of congress write them strongly-worded letters of disapproval and a stacked Court cedes executive power to a capricious tyrant who’s prepared to see just how much he can get away with. The damage being done will take decades to repair. The shame might be permanent.

And you may ask yourself, “What are we going to do?” Well, first, we’re going to take care of each other. We’re All In This Together, and when institutions fail us, communities step up to provide for their own. Do what you can within your means, and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

And after that? … I don’t know. But most Americans don’t want this. And lots of us are trying everything we can to fix anything we can, countering apathy and despair and cruelty with joy. And backing up accountability with real pressure on our elected officials to do our work, or to leave government and never return.

And if you’re watching from afar, just remember that you, listening to this broadcast from way out in the depths space, are part of our community, too. And try not to get complacent. Look up from your screen and out around you, and fight for the dance. “There but for the Grace of Dog go I.”

Goodnight, zoo nation, friends and allies. See you all dirtside.

Cowards and Bastards (song)

Kynophile: Under the rule of cowards and bastards

Under the thumb of the corporate elite

Who curry favor with the walking disasters

Who lay palms at the tyrant’s feet

We put our faith in cowards and bastards

To fight for us when the chips are down

But when it’s time for a reelection

The bastards bite and the cowards bow

Tarro: Pride and ambition

Coal to fuel the machine

Lies and suspicion

Laying palms at his feet

All: Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Someone let me out

Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Someone let me out

Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Someone let me out

Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Someone let me out

Kynophile: Under the rule of cowards and bastards

They’ve made us numb to atrocity

They flood the zone to overwhelm us

The nonsense hides what we don’t want to see

But if we let them make us apathetic

Who’s gonna take a stand for what is right?

We can’t rely on them to do it for us

Cuz cowards bow and bastards bite

Tarro: War and ambition

The machine starts to feed

Cowards and Bastards

Watch the world as it bleeds

All: Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Let the people out

Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Let the people out

Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Let the people out

Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Let the people out

Toggle: So we’ll bully the cowards

And we’ll bury the bastards

And we’ll take out the tyrant

Let the people out

Bully the cowards

Bury the bastards

Take out the tyrant

Let the people out

Kynophile: Under the rule of cowards and bastards

There’s no resistance to the tyrant’s will

That’s why they steamroll any opposition

And grind their victims into grist for the mill

Take me away to a different planet

Save all the animals and fly away

We all just want out of this situation, but

What happens to the ones that have to stay?

All: Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Let the lions out

Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Let the tigers out

Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Let the eagles out

Trapped inside a cage

Trapped inside a cage

Let the people out

Toggle: Bully the cowards

Bury the bastards

Take out the tyrant

Let the people out

CALL SIGN: 106.6, The Ark: Zoo Pirate Radio.

Zoos in Space - Homeward Bound

The Stallion: Hell yeah, that was Kiss Me Kabar’s new track featuring Tarro, “Cowards and Bastards.” And we’re back with a fresh change of pants and a new-found appreciation for life, and gravity.

Tabuna Kaymbo: Boy, that track was out of this world! I can still feel my blood pumping! I want to smear warpaint on my beak and charge the chancellor’s fortress right here and now!

Marimba Dakka: Easy, Kaymbo. We’re not totally out of the woods yet.

Yarrrkito: Confirming we’re stabilized with a course set for home, thanks to Dakka’s calculations.

Will: But what are we going to do when Space Hitler inevitably locks onto our location again? He’s probably not going to stop trying to get our transmitter.

Marimba Dakka: There’s really only one thing you can do. You’ve got to destroy the transmitter and torch the blueprints. As long as that technology exists, Chancellor &@$# will keep looking for a way to get his tentacles on it. Earth will be in real danger if he has a reason to enter your Solar System again.

Yarrrkito: But, without zeta waves, how will I ever be able to see Tabuna Kaymbo again?

Tabuna Kaymbo: Not to worry, Yarrrkito! I’m sending encrypted information on how to connect to our relay system using ゑ waves. We can keep in touch from here on out!

Yarrrkito: Yay!

Aqua: (in person) Did we survive?

The Stallion: So far, so good. Now we just need to get home without being detected.

Marimba Dakka: We believe you have about 10 Earth minutes to get situated before he locks onto your stationary broadcast, but once you’re in hyperspace, it’ll be a lot harder. You should consider going dark soon.

The Stallion: I don’t know how we can ever thank you, mates. You really saved our hides. I just wish we could help you out in some way in return.

Tabuna Kaymbo: Well, you really gave us back our fighting spirit, so in a way, your moxie has been infectious, and we owe you one.

Aqua: Hey, you mentioned Space Hitler has been listening to Earth Hitler broadcasts on the radio and getting a lot of Big Ideas, right? How many lightyears is Delta Corvi from our Solar System?

Tabuna Kaymbo: Lightyears is tricky. Based on your broadcasts and how time seems to pass on Earth… I’d say… about eighty-six lightyears, give or take?

Aqua: Eighty-six lightyears… so, 1939? You know, the Nazis lose the war on Earth, right?

Marimba Dakka: Really?

Tabuna Kaymbo: How?

Aqua: Maybe that’s something we should discuss before we close comms. Privately, Mr. Stallion?

The Stallion: Right. Will?

Will: I’m really going to miss literally broadcasting to the entire galaxy with zeta waves.

The Stallion: Willll?

Will: I knooooow. I’m sending comms down to the main recording cabin, if you want to continue conspiring against the Space Nazi regime in secret.

Aqua: Right on. Let’s see if a little world history can help end Space Fascism.

Marimba Dakka: When you’re ready, we’ll slingshot you into hyperspace, and you’ll be on your way home.

The Stallion: Well, it’s been a hell of a ride, but I’ve never wanted to plant my hooves on the ground more than I have in the last half hour. Thanks for tuning in, Milky Way Galaxy. One more song to take us home, and then we’re going dark for good. The Reckless and Dangerous is rooting for you. Here’s “10pm,” by DemonDog, on 106.6 The Ark! Goodnight, universe!

10pm (song)

(Instrumental)

Outro

The Stallion: Thanks, Space Fans, for listening to the Zooier Than Thou radio show on 106.6 The Ark!

Will: For those of you on Terra, our next major show will be on October 6th, and we’ll be celebrating Howloween early! Please don’t forget about our annual Samhain ritual. If you have a lost loved one, whether a four-legger who changed your life or a two-legger who was important to your zoo journey, send comms to [email protected] with your eulogy or dedication. We can either read your submission on air, or you can send us a recording to give it a personal touch!

Yarrrkito: We heard from many amazing musicians on our galactic journey, including Shiv with “Always Coming Home,” Painted with “The Zooier than Thou Theme, chiptune version”, Zipwok with “Nobody Speaks on the Metro,” Rainfall with “And Finally, Acceptance!,” Lyko with “Lycanthrope Lovers,” Kiss Me Kabar featuring Tarro with “Cowards and Bastards,” and last but not least, DemonDog with “10pm.”

The Stallion: If you’d like to tune into our radio station without a satellite disk pointed at the sky, you can subscribe to our zooey RSS feed at rss.zoo.wtf. You can also check out our extensive bonus content at bonus.zoo.wtf! If you want to show your support financially, head on over to donate.zoo.wtf. Our show’s website is still zoo.wtf, and we have a form that enables anonymous submissions to the show on that website! You can also simply email us at [email protected].

Yarrrkito: Remember, if you decide to email us directly, be sure to include an alias we can use, and let us know whether or not we can use your email on our show! If you’re not sure what we need, just use our website form for guidance!

The Stallion: Be kind to one another, regardless of race, or species, or home planet. It’s the sexiest, zooiest thing you can do. We love you, Milky Way Galaxy. You’ll always be our home, and we only hope we can make tomorrow better for those who come after us.

This has been The Stallion, Will, and Yarrrkito, signing off forever for our galactic audience. But for those of you terra side, we’ll see you next time you feel like howling at the moon.

Will, Yarrrkito, and The Stallion: Awooooo!

Zipwok: And hey,

What a wonderful kind of day

If we could learn to work and play

And get along with each other

And hey,

What a wonderful kind of day

If we could learn to work and play

And get along with each other…

(end transmission)