S6E6: Dear Non-Zoos: After Dark Radio

Disclaimer

Will: The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains adult concepts and language and is intended for a mature audience. So if you’re not old enough to play Baldur’s Gate 3, you should stop listening before we start talking about what we think of the bear in Baldur’s Gate 3.

Cold Open - Get In, Nerd, We’re Being Zooey!

Zooey: As I was walking my way up the windy streets of Boston, I marveled as a nearby clock tower struck three AM.

Zooey: Captured in a moment of cognizance and made curious of my current surroundings, I paused and took it all in.

Years abroad had left me pining for my home country, yet even now, I was far from my old stomping grounds in Pittsburgh. So I took comfort in the melody of the Westminster Quarters I’d heard every night in London, a small piece of familiarity to ground me in an unfamiliar city.

There were friends who said they would be here tonight, but I hadn’t heard from them in the last hour. So I went for a late night walk. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do.

Stopping my walk at the hour of 3AM, I stood on a cracked sidewalk outside of an all night cookie store, the bright lights from inside giving me a giant’s shadow that stood tall against the dark building opposite me, a bank, it looked like; an old bank, not a new building. A tall dog walked along the sidewalk across from me, passing by the bank, passing through my shadow, turning to look at me as he went about his business, going towards the way that I had just come from; he didn’t seem interested in having any company with him on his walk, keeping as much distance from me as he could and watching that I didn’t make any sudden moves, and so I continued to stand as I was, in the light of the cookie store, watching him pass.

I wished the wind would carry smells that were poetic and adventure-inspiring; everything just smelled like cookies, from the store behind me; chocolate and custard and freshly baked dough.

The nearby intersection had a stop light, with all directions giving a blinking red light, “treat this as a stop sign, you’ll all figure it out.” No cars had come in the time I had been out walking tonight.

Until, finally, one did. I heard their music blaring, and then saw the headlights approaching up the road, and then they squealed to a stop in front of me, turned down the radio, and threw open the front door on the passenger side.

Brad: Get in nerd we’re being zooey!

Zooey: Finally! I could have stood there monologuing for another hour if you had kept me waiting, you know.

Brad: Ohoh, you know we’re kindred spirits in that regard. It’s like I was just telling these three back here about how when I got back from visiting them in Hamburg, who should I see waiting for me in the airport, holding up a sign with “Brad” written on it but my bear boo! Just like something out of a movie, albeit more zooey, and specifically zooey au ursine, than a lot of mainstream flicks would be willing to show, and but anyway, I dropped my luggage and started running towards her, and she dropped the sign and bounded toward me, and she picked me up in her incredibly muscular arms, and we started making out right there in the arrivals area, the world, just the two of us. I mean, I know I’ve said it many times before, but it bears repeating, and no, that wasn’t a pun, just a dictional coincidence, but if you’ve ever had the pleasure of having a bear tongue writhing along your lips and palate, your tongue and your throat all at the same time, you’ll know it’s kinda hard to focus on anything else. I’m sure you know what I mean…

Zoo 2: It’s like he never runs out of words.

Zoo 1: He has said a LONG paragraph for every time any one of us has said a sentence.

Zoo 4: You think Brad’s been a lot, now there’s two of them.

Zoo 2: Nooo, surely you don’t mean…

Zooey: Oh darling, I don’t doubt the delightful nature of butting tongues with a big beautiful bear, believe me it sounds to die for, and I also don’t doubt that many an adventurous woodsman may have done just that rather than be delivered the dalliance they were hoping the bear might deign when they dared to get so personal with teeth that are all the better to eat you with. But if you’ve ever seen a Great Dane on a hot day, you know that the canine world already has tongues that are nothing to sneeze at.

Zoo 2: Hey um, guys!

Brad: What?

Zoo 2: While we drive to the con, weren’t we going to listen to the radio?

Zoo 1: Team Radio, Team Radio…

Zoo 1 and Zoo 2: Team Radio, Team Radio!

Zooey: Darlings, the world is a stage and the radio is wherever you bring your pretty little voice to.

Brad: Oh wait no actually, a serendipitous happenstance if there ever was one, The Ark has crossed the Atlantic and is sailing up the East Coast right now.

Zooey: Oh really?

Zoo 1: Team Radio.

Zoo 4: Akito left a note at our studio saying that she was going to go out and join them.

Zoo 2: For like a day or for forever?

Zoo 4: [Shrugs]

Zooey: By all means, turn it back up.

Zoo 1: Team Radio!

---

CALL SIGN: 106.6, The Ark: Zoo Pirate Radio.

The Stallion: Alright, alright, alright! You heard the call sign, folks, this IS 106.6 The Ark and I’m your wonder from Down Under, the host off the coast, Theeeee Stallion… wrapping up another long night floating perilously close to the territorial seas of the Eastern Seaboard. And I gotta say, folks… aren’t we lucky? Maybe it’s the sleeping pills starting to kick in, but I’m feelin’ pretty lucky to have the privilege of being here with you tonight, reveling in all things zooey and wonderful. I’m feeling very fortunate to share a kindred with all of you, and with all of animal kind. For there is nothing more beautiful than the bond between man and animal, and the deeper that bond, the more beautiful it becomes.

Remember folks, it’s not about us. It’s all about them. What can you do to show your animal companions how much better your life is with them napping at the foot of your bed, or carrying you upon their back, or lying with you out in the pasture and gazing at the stars? Think about that as you doze off to sleep tonight, and think about how lucky you are that you experience a beauty in this world so few get to appreciate.

And for those of you who refuse to go to bed even though you and I both know you have work in the morning, stay tuned! Our dear friend Will, the First Mate to my Capitán, will be seeing you though the midnight hour, and she tells me that she has “an idea” for what kind of a show she wants to put on without my supervision.

Will: Super excited for it.

The Stallion: Do you want to sizzle it for the people, tell them what they have to look forward to?

Will: Weird audio content. And we’ll be doing Dear Non Zoos with Aqua.

The Stallion: Haha, well, I’ll leave you to it, right after I hit play on the final track of my setlist for the night. This is The Stallion, signing off with a familiar classic, here on 106.6, Theeeee Ark!

Theme Song

Doodle: Hey, what can I say?

You got me howling at the moon!

Whoa, don’t you know,

That love is wild when you’re a zoo

With Zooier Than Thou! Oh yeah!

106.6 The Ark Radio 1

Will: A wonderful, wonderful rock selection there to see off our late-evening-slash-early-night DJ, the handsome, the sonorous, the one and only, The Stallion. Good paw-twitching and soft-barking dreams to you tonight good sir, as you finish packing up your things in this studio, pretending you can’t hear me, pretending that this is a seamless handoff between late-evening-slash-early-night radio and the true nighttime radio hour.

The Stallion: I’ll be out in a moment, I’m not even here.

Will: Of course, of course.

Will: Your phone is on the chair you were using.

The Stallion: Ah! Cheers.

Will: I think we’re alone now. Do you think so?

Akito: Hmmm. There doesn’t SEEM to be anyone around.

Will: Let’s get to it then. I’m Will, she/her, and I’ll be your radical yet relaxed, rapscalious although reclined radio host, rhythmically running through our rhetoric on this Jolly-Roger rocking vessel, for this rapturing radio broadcast ripe for revelry, a roadhouse and a respite for rest, relaxation, and rock and roll, rrrruff. Say, Akito, do you know what a pirate’s favorite letter is?

Akito: Of course, it’s the C.

Will: Right as rain you are, really rolling out the right trivia for this hour on 106.6 The Ark. Or, as we say in the biz, The Arrrrk.

Akito: I’m sure you do.

Will: That is, of course, the famous Akito from WZOO, who is AWOL from her college radio duties to come get a taste of the pirate’s life out at sea while we’re doing our tour up the American East Coast. As this IS our first American tour, perhaps I should give the quick summary of what pirate radio entails: Normally, there is a very, very precise and… beaurocratic… set of rules and procedures for who is allowed to broadcast on what radio frequency, and what kinds of contents they’re allowed to share with the world. Here on The Ark, our… zooish inclinations rub some of these authoritative bodies entirely the wrong way, and we wouldn’t be allowed to broadcast the heartfelt, interspecies romance message that we would fully want to.

Akito: But… you can… MAKE… a radio transmitter. You can… FIND… a frequency that’s MOSTLY not being used right now…

Will: And so, we are broadcasting, very illegally, somewhere off of the East Coast of The United States of America, being as zooey and as strange and as provocative as we happen to feel like we want to be. You are joining us for the late night radio hour. And for all of you shadows of the night tuned in to this new and curious frequency, I’d say you’ve arrived at a wonderful time. Tonight, there will be songs. There will be audio fiction content, including contributions from our favorite radio personalities. And, we will also be running Dear Non Zoos with the one and only radio host who has all points of their surface equidistant from their center, I am of course referring to our beloved sphere, Aqua.

Coming up pretty soon, we will be hearing Paw Pads, the titular track from Zipwok’s upcoming album. A certified earworm, I know that the first time I heard it, I just couldn’t help myself, I was just there dancing. Every track we’ve heard from this recent project is banger after banger, so stay tuned to catch more from Zipwok.

Keep it here on station 106.6, The Ark.

Furry Hospital - Urgent Care

Clark: Over here, sir! What brings you here today?

Spot: Is this the urgent care?

Clark: Yup, furry hospital urgent care, you’ve got the right place. Are you looking to be seen?

Spot: Ye–um–yes, I um…

Clark: Name and species?

Spot: Spot, wolf.

Clark: What brings you here tonight Spot?

Spot: I think — I think I injured my penis.

Clark: Why do you say that?

Spot: So, my boyfriend was coming over to visit, and I kinda thought to get the mood going it would be funny to get my knot out and um, dress it up like a garlic knot?

Clark: What?

Spot: Yeah you know, the knot is that bulb that inflates on a wolf’s penis during sex, giving red rockets their distinctive shape–

Clark: Yes, got it. What do you mean you dressed your knot up as a garlic knot?

Spot: Well, I, aha, I mean I didn’t want to half ass it, so, after I’d gotten myself hard and the knot was inflated, you know, stuck outside of the sheath and everything, I sprinkled on a bunch of garlic, parmesan, hot butter, salt–

Clark: No!

Spot: Now it really hurts, like I think I might have damaged the skin?

Clark: Yeah! Is it your first day having a dog cock? That skin is sen-si-tive! Keep contact with it to very, very neutral things. Saliva and J-lube are good. Herbs and spices? NO! Sorry, I’m really working on not berating patients.

Spot: No, I get it. I did a dumb.

Clark: I’m glad you came in if you were having an emergency, even if it was avoidable and embarrassing it was the right decision to come in and get yourself taken care of. Down that hall, room 2, a doctor will be right with you.

Spot: Thank yawoo.

Clark: Oh my Poseidon.

Clark: Over here!

Ignacio: Hi, doctor?

Clark: Nurse actually, Clark Flippers RN. Name and species?

Ignacio: Ignacio Smolderov, yellow-headed gecko.

Clark: What is the nature of your emergency tonight?

Ignacio: So, it’s my first day having a dog cock.

Clark: What?

Ignacio: Yeah it used to be a Ken doll situation down there, but a mage has been granting me a few different options to try out, for a while we had gone with the classic of course, horse cock, but–

Clark: Have you been using any drugs tonight?

Ignacio: Ah, you know what, the mage said something like this would happen, which is why as proof of his mark upon me he also made it so a guitar sting plays when I do jazz hands.

Clark: So, first day with a dog cock you were saying?

Ignacio: Seemed like it would be a LOT of fun, but I had gotten used to horse, donkey, for a while I gave human a try too, but, so when I got my dog cock I tried jacking it like I had with all the others, just rubbing the shaft back and forth dry for a while, and it turns out that skin is REALLY sensitive!

Clark: Yeah, don’t do that! Also lube is not a bad thing with penises in general, treat yourself.

Ignacio: You live and you learn, believe me you and I are on the same page, but anyways my dog cock is in a LOT of pain now, there was a little bleeding, I don’t think I’ll die or anything but this is a real pickle and a half.

Clark: Down the hall, room three.

Clark: Furry hospital urgent care reception, Nurse Flippers speaking.

Belinda: Hi, I was thinking of coming in and I uh, had a question, kind of a, logistical matter.

Clark: Name and species?

Belinda: Belinda Strawberries, rabbit.

Clark: What was your question Belinda?

Belinda: Let’s sayyyy hypothetically, I was knotted right now.

Clark: Uh huh.

Belinda: With a feral.

Clark: Oh. Exciting.

Belinda: Wait. No, I WOULDN’T have to tell you it was a feral, because either way there could be a knot. Or. Wait. Yes, I DO have to tell you I’m knotted with a feral, not like a two legger talking animal person, because my question is, if he’s been fully erect for half an hour at this point, and like, he can’t really talk to tell me how much longer HE thinks there is but there would SEEM to be no sign at all of him deswelling any time soon, if I can find a way for us to come in, is there like, anything you can do to get him unstuck?

Clark: Noooot a lot. You might have to ride this one out.

Belinda: What if I like, pull away from him really quickly–

Clark: Noooo no no no no no no no, do not break the tie while his bulb is still fully swelled if you can help it, that ends in a lot of pain and potential injury for both of you. He’ll go down eventually, I promise.

Belinda: He’s SO hot.

Clark: You’re… feeling a burning, sensation?

Belinda: No, he is SO attractive. German Shepherd, extremely handsome. He could hold me all night. Heck, he might just do that! But if you say he’ll go down, I’ll be fine. Thank you.

Clark: Okay, take care Belinda. If you need someone to come to you call an ambulance.

Clark: Over here!

Justin: Hi, so I tried to season up my knot to be like a garlic knot?

Clark: Ugggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Does Pizza Hut have a new ad campaign out? Is there just a city wide gas leak? What is wrong with you people!

Justin: …Orrr what I meant to say is, I put garlic and salt on my knot for a… GOOD reason?

Clark: Name and species?

Voiceover: This episode has been brought to you by, Pizza Mutt’s Cutest Delivery Boys. We don’t sell food, so garlic knots are off the table when these four leggers come bark at your door, but our boys will deliver an even better kind of knot that will fill you up.

Pizza Mutt’s Cutest Delivery Boys makes no claims one way or the other as to whether this is a service run by the dogs themselves who have learned to run text to speech through a phone line and had an ingenious idea that would let them hump humans’ butts AND get milkbone money for it. Knot times may vary. Do not order if you are allergic to dogs or our semen, I mean, their semen.

Creatures of a Shared Taste

We woke up from a nap that evening, the kind of nap where you have plummeted into your deepest abandoning of consciousness, not a gallop over to sleeping and back without stopping, but sauntering over and staying, sniffing prolongedly at the clovers of dissociation, the saplings of demented all intense dream, and only pulled out back to the waking world as though we were a heavy tree being dragged by chains. In our case, being pulled back by the ringing of the phone. We woke up from a nap that evening muzzle drooling on bare stomach flesh, arm limply resting around hairy nape and hand resting twitchily on hairy side, Paw Pads resting against flesh and claws resting against ribs, dog breath and human breath in the air all smelling about the same, as for our lunch before napping, dog food and spaghetti had found its way rather freely into either mouth, and as we were settling in for the nap, the mouths had shared licks more directly, hard specks from the dog food incidentally passed, aftertastes of tomato evened out across each tongue and lip. We woke up from a nap that evening, stretched against one another, came back from the deepest abandoning of consciousness concretely by pressing the warm fronts of our lips together, no puckering and no licking, just pressing warm and wet lip against warm and wet lip for the sake of having them be together, and then an arm reached up and grabbed the phone off of the cardboard box that stood beside our floor-bound, legless mattress.

Simultaneously, a sluggish word and a piercingly-high yawn greeted the caller.

A call to check in, and make sure plans were still on. Yes, today, we know. We’ll get going. Limbs now stretch as the call goes on, slow licks made against salty skin, strokes of the hand deep against coat, getting the good spots, pressing to pet not just the surface of fur, but massaging the coat down and down and down again, making the ribs feel known and cared of.

The phone clunks down on its spot again, and we stand up, and go around, getting ourselves ready. Journeys back and forth through doorways with frames in disrepair over a carpet adorned in sticky wrappers and empty cans, crinkled papers, chewed sticks and crusty bowls. A change to an outfit washed of bodily scents, a gathering of car keys and loose money and little hard biscuits, and then leaving into the air outside florid with trees in bloom and grass lush, heavy air like walking out of the house and directly into a sauna that has no ceiling, only a middlingly blue expanse far away above, and a bright street light across the road that stings our eyes as we walk out. Front door locked behind us as we go forth. Looking up and down the street as we walk to the car in our driveway with the windows all down, and clean inside, we worked on it this morning, all of the clutter moved into the trash bin, surfaces wiped of crud and stick, freshly washed blankets thrown into the back. Up and down the street, some neighbors standing around in their front yards, doing work or just standing. Car doors opened, we lunge into the sweltering car, all windows down the seats are still baked hot from the apparently recently daytime sun.

The engine goes on, and we drive, the wind patting and swiping at our faces, at our hair, and cooling the car off once we’ve gone just down the street. We make turns and halts and speed-ups, a nose sniffs out of the window, a hand grips on the wheel and makes jerky movements, and an inverse hand rests steadying and calm on scruff, now and then petting a little, now and then when the car has briefly halted and the wind has briefly halted a warm set of words goes across the car, and a tail wags, now and then a muzzle comes back in and turns the other way and licks at a mouth or an eye or an ear, and then goes and hangs back out of the window again.

The car enters a parking lot and parks. We exit through the same door and cross the parking lot and enter through the same door into a room abuzz with people chatting and shifting around at different tables, and others walking around in between the tables, and the clinking of utensils on plates and the smells of spicy peppers and chicken. At a big booth in the corner someone stands up and waves to us and shouts for us, and we cross the room, and people scooch over until we have enough room to sit at one end of this corner booth’s wrap-around bench. Plates are handed to us and we begin, looking around at the communal bowls of foods at the center and around at the eyes, friendly eyes, of our friends sitting here. A muzzle, the only muzzle at the table, takes up shredded chicken as fast as it is placed before it, a fork now and then goes out to something and takes it into a flat mouth to be polite, though the flat mouth’s stomach would rather be left alone at present, already full from earlier, and so the portions are tiny, performative. All the more goes to the muzzle, and the flat mouth is free to speak when the others want it to speak. Eventually, the deliveries of shredded chicken to the muzzle cease. A scruff is pet. The eyes of the muzzle and the eyes of the performative eater meet, and then our tongues lap at lips and teeth, sharing the tastes we’ve had. Others at the table see it looks fun, and begin following example among their own pairs.

One at the table announces it’s time to get going if they don’t want to miss it. Person by person we make our exit of the booth, money is left on the table, we all go out of the same door into the night which has cooled a little though is still warm and rich, and four cars depart in a line, and follow one another out of the busy and short roads of town, into the long roads among hills of trees and grasses.

The four cars pull off to a gravel road, our car rumbles as we go over the rocks. One by one we stop at a booth and hand money to someone inside, and then drive into a wide open parking lot, where, looming on one side of it, a screen is showing the projection of a still image, standing by for a film to play. The four cars spread out, finding their solitary spots, keeping distance from the other cars that are already parked here and there.

When we stop, and our engine is shut off, we get out, and walk back and forth along one edge of the lot, stretching our legs, exploring the space. The noise of crickets fills the air, occasionally accompanied by the wind.

The still image on the big screen goes away, and soon, a motion picture is on display. We get back to the car, and we climb into the clean back seat, with the soft blankets and just enough space for us. We close the door behind us, and begin kissing, tilting our heads to get better access to the tasty depths of the back of a mouth, grabbing and pulling closer with hands and with claws. We see in flashes, as a bright moment in the movie briefly illuminates hair or eyes or a nose. Now and then we pause to nuzzle at one another, or to lick an eye or a forehead. When we are sated, we nestle in with one another, clothed chest breathing while pressed against breathing furred chest, limbs entangled, a hand a pillow for a furry temple that is heavy from utter relaxation, utter abandon of keeping itself up, utter non-objection to resting furry head in hand of flesh.

When the movie ends, many drive off. We who came from the booth get out of our cars, all still parked in the lot where the screen is now on standby again, and we all find a spot together in the center of the lot to stand, and converse with one another again before we leave. We are all breathless, hair all a mess and clothes all fitting oddly on ourselves.

We will do it again.

We get into our cars, and depart again for now.

“Paw Pads” (song)

Zipwok: 1, 2, 3, 4.

A, B, C, D, started all anew

I knew that we were huskies in some life before

E, F, G and I started to fall, to fall

For you

And like a satellite, unlike the Moon

I like to sing and reminisce that time when you were vibing like a moose

Though anything that we wanted to do

was hard to do

That’s cause we got some paw pads

And paw pads fell from the sky

I wish I could tell you why

We dive in disguise

That’s cause we got some paw pads (paw pads)

And paw pads fell from the sky

I wish I could tell you why

We dive in disguise

And I’d love to know

How long we’ve got

To see the sea lions’ song

From the feline floor

Specially

Moving spacially

Sharing some canine tea

With all of the stars around!

You’ll see…

That’s cause we got some paw pads

And paw pads fell from the sky

I wish I could tell you why

We dive in disguise

That’s cause we got some paw pads

And paw pads fell from the sky

I wish I could tell you why

We dive in disguise

That’s cause we got some paw pads (paw pads)

And paw pads fell from the sky

I wish I could tell you why

We dive in disguise

That’s cause we got some paw pads

Dear Non-Zoos - A New Challenger!

Aqua: My, my, my. It never fails. Ten steps out of town and into the tall grass and boom! A new type of guy. Where do you all come from? What DLC is this? Gosh, I sure hope I have enough gym badges. Which one of my six Arcanines is bored enough for this wild encounter? So many questions. So little memory left in my Pokedex.

Let’s get this done. Dear—

Pearl: There! Hah! I told you I could splice a cable in under 30 seconds. Should take them a bit to notice, not a moment to spare. Come with me. Oh, wait! Leave the calling card… there, okay, now let’s hightail it.

Hiiii little beauties!

Ripper and Sweetwater: Hooray!

Pearl: Quiet, quiet, let me swim out to the raft.

Alright! We got it! Hello dear listeners of 106.6 The Ark, My name is Pearl, singing Teek queen and devoted worshiper of the Dolphin spirit.

I’ve decided I have some things I want to say and messages I want to channel; and who better to rob then someone with all the equipment to get a message out? Pirates, after all, is it really stealing if none of this is unstolen to begin with? Who says they can’t lose a little bit of airtime? And don’t worry, I did get the blessing of Dolphin spirit before setting out.

So instead of the usual “Dear Non Zoos” segment, I’m bringing in prayers from Mother Ocean, jubilations from my dolphin lovers, missives from my own saltwater heart, and channelings from landlubbers far away. All coming to you aboard the great canoe Sexy Dolphin.

And don’t worry, I’m just tapped into Aqua’s slot, I’ll let them run all of their other programming. Might as well, and with any luck they won’t notice until it’s too late.

So under this beautiful moonlight casting stars into the gentle waves of Mother Atlantic, let me speak through my heart to yours, and let all of the vibrational noise of the sound give way to the stronger tide deep inside.

Dear Non-Zoos. I call to you from a place of loving kindness, with as open a heart and mind as I can. I ask you meet me here, and bring your own openness as well.

Dear Non Zoos, who are parents of zoo children and accept them, and help them find their self-acceptance. Thank you. Thank you!

It is endlessly inspiriting, especially in the times we live in where children can be disowned merely for liking the same gender of human, to know you’re out there. Every single one of you who’s come forward to share stories small or long, difficult or easy, of your own path to knowing and loving your child more deeply, every single one of you fills my heart with love.

There’s nothing that can replace that feeling, the warmth of just knowing you’re out there. You are, to many of us zoos, as mystical and otherworldly as a mermaid or a kraken. Some of us have lived lives where our relationships with our parents are so far from accepting it bends the mind to even imagine you.

Yet you’re here. And you’ve decided, despite all the noise of society, that you will stand with your child. You’ve chosen love over keeping up with the Jones’s, you’ve chosen love over someone else’s idea of sin, you’ve chosen love over all the din of society. To hear your story, to bask in your presence, I feel as if I am a baby seagull who fell from the nest. And far from leaving me to die, you’ve gently and studiously pushed aside the grasses until you’ve found me again. You contribute more to this community than you will even know and can ever be named on a radio broadcast. Your love flows ever outward, only multiplied and never diminished, shining beautiful light into the farthest reaches of our communities. Igniting hope and gratitude in the deepest of shadows. Thank you. Thank you!

Dear Non-Zoos… who are non-human animals not interested in anything sexual or romantic with humans. Maybe not interested in humans at all! You, dear non-zooey animals, fill our lives with so much magic. There’s not really a container in our society for one to take the time to date an animal before adopting, to feel things out with an animal in a truly emotionally authentic way before committing to them. But if living amongst the wild dolphins of the Atlantic has taught me anything it is surely that every animal, no matter who they are or what they want, is magical. Many dolphins on my own team don’t have much interest in me sexually or romantically, and we still love each other to pieces. I’ll be with them coast to coast, and know that they’ll be with me too.

And the whales, the water snakes, the fish of so many kinds, the coral reefs, all of them I still have a deep relationship with despite neither of us being in the least attracted to each other in those ways. I know of zoos out there who have adopted all the dogs—let’s be honest it’s always dogs isn’t it? I bet not a single one of these pirates here has ever played dolphin games, swam among them and crafted new toys for them to grab and toss around deep under the surface of—

Sweetwater: Stay on topic!

Pearl: Ahm. Right, talking about dogs, not dolphins. I know of zoos who have adopted all the dogs they can care for, hoping that one of them will return the feelings of romantic and sexual love they have in their hearts. And none of the dogs quite do. And that can be frustrating to navigate as a zoo, but still that zoo’s life is filled with beauty and love and joy from the platonic affection and love of the incarnations of Dog spirit they’ve pulled into their life. Thank you to you animals and this platonic love! Platonic love is never lesser than romantic or sexual love. They are just different, filling different needs; winds blowing to different directions. All worthy of sailing by.

Our lives here with Mother Earth and Father Sky are constantly made so rich and beautiful by your mere presence, animals. Thank you! Thank you.

Oh, dear listeners, I have so much more to say, but it sounds like Aqua is wrapping up for now. I’ll bring us back in to whatever else the station was planning on. Keep it here on 106.6 The Ark, and, I’ll be back. Promise. Okay. Bye for now.

Alphabet Interstitial 1

Zipwok: A B C D X Y Zeta! Zeta! Zeta!

CALL SIGN: 106.6, The Ark: Zoo Pirate Radio.

106.6 The Ark Radio 2

Will: Fool said I you do not know

The miles each night that he and I go

The hours that I am by him led

The recesses hereabouts his paws have tread

The air heavy and humid in late July night

The air screaming and freezing in December’s bite

The strange decorations on houses we’ve passed

The minutes we’ve taken to smell at the grass

He is my best friend

My north star

And I’ve fantasized a lot

About how if someone attacked him

While we were out on these walks

I would kill them

The sea tonight is calm, the dolphins are blessing our journey as they swim alongside us, and the man in our crow’s nest has not yet spotted any authoritative vessels coming towards us to stop the fun.

Alright, you out there listening, in your car or whatever radio you’re listening to, you know when you’re listening to one radio station, and then another station starts playing over the top of it? And they’re kind of like, annoyingly overlapping, you want to keep hearing that song but now there’s some talk radio over the top of it? That’s because when you broadcast a radio frequency, at, say, 95.5, it also bleeds over quite a lot into 95.4 and 95.6, a little into 95.3 and 95.7, and so as you’re driving along, you get to an area where you’re leaving the area 95.5 was authorized to broadcast in, but entering the area where 95.7 broadcasts in, and in that middle region, someone trying to listen to either one is going to pick up both. BUT, you might notice, our station is coming to you clear as a wide open nighttime sky with a galaxy of stars overhead crisp and bright and beautiful. Now, unconventionally, we don’t actually accomplish this by being the only station nearby to this frequency: there are, in fact, quite a number of 106 point somethings in this area, and 107 point somethings, and 105 point somethings. But the way that we reach you so clearly is because we are the only terrestrial radio station that is not broadcasting radio waves at all, we are broadcasting zeta waves, a type of wave so powerful and so true that it overpowers any and all other signals that happen to be going on around it.

Akito: That is scientifically incorrect.

Will: Hm. Maybe we’re broadcasting radio waves but with zeta intent? Does that sound right to you?

Akito: That sounds right to me Eggshell.

Will: No, please, out at sea it has to be pirate names.

Akito: That sounds right to me, Will.

Will: It’s part of the pirate code, you know.

Akito: Pirate code?

Will: Yes, very, very traditional, and, longstanding.

Akito: You made it up just now, didn’t you?

Will: Oh wow, we should really get to these sponsors, shouldn’t we?

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Will: Oof, that one is, a bracing sound bite, for the laid back vibes we’re going for. Very “day time radio.” We should get an alternate take done sometime. But, like, actually, these bongs are real, you should get a look at them. I don’t smoke, I have no need for one, but it’s worth pulling up this channel just to see what these horse cock bongs look like, they’re cool work. I suppose they would look good just to have on the shelf too.

Anyways, before we move on with the show, I just wanted to address one email that the show has received. Ahem.

This email comes to us from Cakdef, with the subject line, “porn milf big ass.”

Cakdef writes, “the big granny tits.”

Well. With that out of the way, let’s get on with tonight’s programming.

Alphabet Interstitial 2

Milk: A is for… Zoophilia!

B is for… Zoosexuality!

C is for… Zoo!

D is for… Bestiality!

E is for… a sexual and/or romantic attraction experienced by humans towards non human animals!

The alphabet!

Lost in Translation

Will: ¿Que te gustaria hacer mañana?

Akito: Mein Auto ist einundzwanzig.

Will: ¿Cómo te llamas?

Akito: Ich habe als Präsidentin kandidiert, als du noch klein warst.

Will: La guitarra suena maravillosa por la noche.

Akito: Die Sonne wird uns alle fressen.

Will: ¿Esta?

Akito: Es wird nachts passieren, wenn du sie nicht sehen kannst, aber dann wirst du nur sie sehen.

Will: Cinco.

Akito: Vier.

Will: Veintisiete.

Akito: Vier.

Will: Siete.

Akito: Fünf.

Will: Dos.

Akito: Vierundsiebzig.

Will: Beso a los perros por todas partes.

Akito: Ich küsse Pferde überall.

Will: Bien.

Akito: Ja gut.

The Bear

I breathe him in, and I know that he is the forest. Wild, untamed, dirt and brush, wood and grove. Indefatigable, undeniable. He will overwhelm me, as nature always does, as vines reclaim lost civilizations, as hurricanes ravage wasted cities, reminding us that we are insignificant. He is the arbiter of my fate. He will destroy me, lay waste to my body and claim me as his own, and there is nothing I can do to stop him.

I embrace his will. I belong to him, as all who walk this earth belong to the dirt from wince we spring forth. I will not deny him. I cannot. He has chosen me, and it is my pleasure to bend to his whim.

The earth quakes beneath his paws as he steps forward, shoving me to the ground and imposing his onerous weight upon me. Drool drips from his predator grin, his wet breath hot upon my neck, and in this moment, only one thought fills my mind:

I’m gonna fuck this bear.

“I Wanna Fuck the Bear (from Baldur’s Gate 3)” (song)

Toggle: On our way out of a goblin pit,

Met an elf with an untamed spirit

Late one night in a forestscape

He blew my mind with his wild shape

Wrestled down to the ground by a cave bear

Might be five times my size but I don’t care

Fur and sex, drool and sweat, left me tongue-tied

Still seein’ stars when he came inside!

Chorus: I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

Toggle: Forget the tadpole in my brain

The smell of you is driving me insane

Breathe you in, and I got no restraint

Use me for hours ‘til I fuckin’ faint

Drag your claws down my chest til my clothes tear

Pin me down with your weight til I’m aching for air

Take control, show the grove that I’m all yours

Ravage my body til I’m beggin’ for more!

Chorus: I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

Toggle: I wanna fuck the bear!

Chorus: I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

Chorus: I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

Toggle: I wanna fuck the bear!

Chorus: I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

Toggle: I wanna fuck the bear!

Chorus: I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

Toggle: Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah!

Chorus: I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

Toggle: C’mon!

Chorus: I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

Toggle: I wanna fuck the bear! C’mon!

Zooey Interstitial

Zipwok: Zooey Zooey Zooey,

Zooey Zooey Zooey,

Zooey Zooey Zooey,

Zooey Zooey Zooey,

Zooey!

That’s pretty zooey!

Brad and the Coyote

Voiceover: You live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality, but you do not know this. When you understand this, you will see that you are nothing. And being nothing, you are everything. That is all.

Brad: So like, one night my car broke down as I was driving across New Mexico. Well, not exactly break down so much as run out of gas, but in any case it ceased to perform its basic transitory function. And so with my cell phone unable to find reception, I was pretty much stuck there on the desolate roadside, alone and incommunicado and just meditating silently on the hood to wait for some potential passerby, and not feeling too sorry for myself, since it was a nice mild night, and the Milky Way was incredibly visible since there was no light pollution, which made me grateful to be stranded so far from civilization, though I didn’t know at that moment just how far from civilization and it’s fascist erotic neurosis I would prove to be, as was shortly to be revealed to me when my awareness was caught by a shooting star which slid across the sky, and to my surprise and delight, burned out right inside Canis Major’s cookie. Which my zoophilic ass, of course, couldn’t help but take as a happy sign of things to come. And no sooner had I looked back down when who should I find but a gorgeous Canis Latrans gazing back at me from the roadside with softer eyes than one might usually expect a coyote to regard one with.

But when the breeze chanced to waft past her in my direction, her demeanor became explicable because I was all like, I know that smell, and when she turned around I could see by the light of my flashing hazards that my nose had not deceived me, for by the flagging of her tail was I called on toward my fortune, which it turned out was to be quite the wild fortune indeed, though at that moment I simply followed as she led me away from the road and into the brush, her caramel eyes glittering in the starlight each time she turned her head to make sure I was still there, until we finally arrived at a rock outcrop where Lady Coyote invited me to refresh myself at a small watering hole there.

And it was weird, because it almost seemed like she was talking to me, as though her body language were being translated in my brain to actual speech. But you know, I’ve dropped my share of Schedule 1 substances, so I took it pretty in stride, though I did wonder briefly what substances might have made their way into that pool, but not for too long, because I figured if she drank from it and was alright, then I probably would be too.

And it was then that the caress of her tail across my face brought me back to the present moment and made me aware that, unlike her, I was trapped and constrained by the ways of man, whereupon I doffed my duds and went feral, in which unencumbered state it was easy as breathing to let nature take its course, which course was not dissimilar from that of the shooting star earlier in the night, and she triangulated my position, so to speak.

And man, this is where shit got weird, because like I said earlier, it seemed like I could hear her speaking in my mind, but now, it wasn’t just my fancy. I could actually hear her say, “The star is your fortune, and the star is in you. And my fortune is yours.” Which like, to be honest, I didn’t really get, but at the same time I did, because I could see it was all one, and I understood that my perception was my reality, and that my reality was melting into a vortex of rainbow fractals in which my being was intermixed beyond possible distinction with all other essences, sort of like the magnification of my perception was dialing out to see how the planet and solar system and galaxy and clusters of galaxies constituted the filament of the universe, and that even the nothingness in between is really something, sort of like that Buddha symbol that looks like a black and white whale 69ing, you know?

At least that’s always what it looked like to me, but then I’m a horny little monkey so maybe it’s just me. But at any rate, all this realization of interconnection and interpenetration didn’t exactly erase my fears and anxieties, but just enfolded them into the whole sort of general mishmash, so that I could accept them as being just as beautiful and necessary as everything else.

Cause it’s like they say in Mid-World, “All things serve the beam,” and you couldn’t do otherwise even if you tried. And I think that that was really the take home message here, cause like, even if the car of your life breaks down in the middle of nowhere, don’t panic. Cause nowhere is still somewhere and you’re right where you’re supposed to be.

And the wish I made on my own shooting star that night was to never forget that amazing and wonderful truth and to live in gratitude to the spirit who opened me to it by opening herself to me.

Dear Non-Zoos - Honor Among Thieves

Pearl: Oh! I’m back. I wasn’t sure my splice would last this long. Well, not a moment to loose! Dear—

Aqua: Amateur hour’s over. What do you think you’re doing? Ever heard of a little thing called the Pirate Code? You know, that long standing tradition of not fucking—

Pearl: Ha, counter-counter splice. “Honor among thieves” is really casting thieves as a monoculture, isn’t it? I don’t need your rules. I can see how name calling is satisfying, but I’m on a whole other level. I’m healing. That takes a very different kind of energy. So—

Aqua: Triple dog splice. You haven’t heard the last of me.

Pearl: Well, if my counts are accurate from when I was inventorying your drawer earlier, you’re out of wire now anyways.

Dear Non-Zoos who are friends or siblings of zoos and accept them. Thank you! Our community is fed by your light as well.

It makes a difference of night and day, of life and death sometimes, to be accepted. Every single non-zoo who’s accepted a zoo has changed the world for the better. You’ve seen us at our most vulnerable, taking off every glamorous mask, every piece of armor around ourselves. You see us in that state and say, “I still love you, even without all the beautiful gold bulky armor.” And you have the opportunity to cut us down; in fact, we hand you a sword. And instead of goring us, you knight us into your love. And if you love us because of this, with this, harmonized with this, if you show us this love then we will show it right back. If you’re there for us we can be there for you. In the same way, when your own armor falls, when you hand us your sword, we’ll knight you as well.

We are newly fortified when we come out and you accept us. We are newly refreshed with a connection that can tap into our own sincerest expression of self love; this strengthens communities and friendships and bonds, this is what we all need. This is supporting each other. Let’s lean into each other. Love is a limitless resource; there is so much to share that we can only give, only receive, if we are truly open and authentic.

Thank you for supporting us. Thank you so much! Thank you for supporting the gangly, odd, bipedal animals who think so much of you. Thank you!

And, another thing.

Even if you’re in a space where you wish me harm, healing has to start somewhere, and if all we do is throw punches and shoot cannonballs then it’s inevitable we won’t accomplish anything. In the end maybe both of us will sink. Maybe we’ll both put up too much armor to ever let anyone in again.

I don’t want that, and I think most of us, zoo and non-zoo, don’t want that either, if we’re being honest with ourselves. So I invite myself and all who hear this broadcast to listen to each other and ourselves fully and truly, to listen not just with the ears and the mind but even more so with the heart.

If you’re not a zoo, but you consider yourself an animal lover, we already have a common ground. We’re not that far away if we just reach for each other; we just have to let ourselves be vulnerable. And dear non-zoos, if we reach for you do us the dignity, I humbly beg of you, of reaching back. You might like the friendship we end up forming in spite of ourselves.

Non-zoos, you compose the fabric of the human cultures around us at a greater percentage than we do, in general. And that fabric, that patched-up sail on the human ship, we long to take our place there again with open pride. There are holes we fill that you thank us for, that you love us for, without knowing it’s our unique inclination toward animals that allows us to be so valuable, to catch so much wind in ways you can’t understand.

How do I express the calamity at stake…

And as a zoo who’s done a lot of work to accept herself, I understand. When you see us at first, some of you can only see a monster with your first glance. Lend us your empathy. Others have seen something that you don’t: how is that? How have you seen a monster, and they continue to see their son, their daughter, their sibling, their friend, their friend of a friend, who is the same as they ever were, love of animals now included? There may be depths to the love and respect that a human can give to a non human animal that are so intimate and heartfelt, that are missed, when one never allows themself to explore the thought of the possible goodness in what we are.

May I ask of you, all non-zoos who hear this message and have perhaps had a friend come out to them recently, or somesuch, may I ask of you to let all of your preconceptions be set aside. All of your fear of what your friends will think of you, set it aside too. There is a human who has intentionally made themselves vulnerable because they want to connect with you. Train your heart to love them, and feel from there.

I plead with you. Listen to us. And to zoos I plead as well, listen and be patient. Be brave and courageous and let your love for animals shine through in all you do.

We’re all on the great ship Mother Earth, adrift in the calm waters of space. We all want to be a part of the family.

Zooey ABCs

Mother Zoose: Good evening, my little nightingales! My, it’s past your bedtime! You’ve spent all day working your big kid job and sorting out your grown-up bills, and now it’s time to put on your footie pajamas, get a warm glass of cashew milk, and curl up with your favorite stuffy. And I have just the thing to help you wind down for the night — it’s time for the Zooey ABC’s! Which animal is your favorite? Let’s find out!

A is for the amazing African Civet!

B is for the beefy Buffalo!

C is for the curious Cat!

D is for the dashing Dolphin!

E is for the elegant Elephant.

F is for the fantastic Fox!

G is for the girthy German Shepard!

H is for the handsome Horse!

I is for the intriguing Indian Cobra!

J is for the Jacked Jaguar!

K is for the kawing Kookaburra!

L is for the loyal Lion.

M is for the majestic Maine Coon.

N is for the nifty Newfoundland.

O is for the observant Octopus.

P is for the playful Penguin.

Q is for the queer Quail.

R is for the rambunctious Rat.

S is for the studious Saint Bernard.

T is for the tactile Tiger.

U is for the unafraid Utonagan.

V is for the vicious Viper.

W is for the wild Wolf.

X is for the xeric Xoloitzcuintli.

Y is for the yapping Yak.

And Z is for the Zany Zooier than Thou Crew!

Good night little one, sleep well!

106.6 The Ark Radio 3

Will: What do you mean Aqua is setting traps?

Toggle: I mean that when I reached into a bee hive that had a note that said FREE MONEY on it, there was NOT free money inside, there were bees!

Will: What?

Toggle: Aqua is NOT taking it well that their segment has been hijacked. Rakes placed around the control room so that when someone steps on them it hits them in the face! There’s j-lube on the doorknobs! The floors are covered in legos and butter! THEY BUTTERED THE FLOOR WILL!

Will: Aqua doesn’t have arms.

Toggle: Well, I don’t know how an orb is setting traps either, but their manifesto is taped to the studio window.

Will: To my beloathed highwaywoman, feckless bandit, thief of my Dear Non Zoos segment Pearl–oh yeah that’s them.

Toggle: They’re outside of the ship in a submarine right now–

Will: Wait, woah woah woah woah woah, time out, pause: We actually have a submarine?

Toggle: No, it’s actually a barrel, and they took a radio with them… and a walkie… and a really big drill… I’m gonna get some shut eye while they’re offboard. Do you have the emails I printed off for you?

Will: Uh… Yes!

Toggle: Alright– Ow, son of a–

Will: Hey watch out there’s a rake there.

Toggle: Yeah! I could tell!

Will: Alright, have a good night, don’t sleepwalk. Alright then. This is Will, she/her, your host for this late night radio hour here on 106.6 The Ark.

Coming out of the second quarter of our show, we heard that new single from Kiss Me Kabar entitled, “I Want to Fuck the Bear from Baldur’s Gate 3.” Fun fact, according to game studio Larian Studios, nearly 200, 000 people chose to fuck the bear when given the option. Food for thought.

When asked about when their long awaited album is dropping, co-songwriter Toggle said, quote, “Oh my fucking god, shut the fuck up, I’m trying!”

We are joined in the studio this evening by Akito, she/her, who is visiting us from WZOO as The Ark makes its way up the American East Coast.

Akito: Always a pleasure to be up among fellow nocturnals.

Will: Tonight, Akito will be assisting us in the eternal, yet, eternally delightful, task, of reading some more of these emails.

Akito: Our first email comes to us from Kyra the Zoo, who writes in with the subject line, “Zooey ABC’s for Zooey ABDLs: A Bedtime Story!”

Kyra writes,

Hello, Kyra here!

I go by fox/foxself!

I was listening to one of your episodes and you guys mentioned something about needing more zoo ABDL content out there or something along those lines. I am an ABDL myself and see nothing wrong with it.

Will: Looks like we then have a piece of prose here.

Akito: Zooey ABC’s for Zooey ABDLs: A Bedtime Story! Hello there little one, it’s time to go to bed. Before you close your precious little eyes, let’s go through our Zooey ABCs!

A is for the amazing African Civet! B is for the beefy Buffalo! C is for—

Will: Wait, pause–we jjjjust stole that one. On the show. Like, we did a whole thing of it right before this.

Akito: It did sound a little bit familiar, yeah.

Will: Just a little.

Akito: Just a smidge.

Will: Well, thank you for writing in, Kyra. We love the idea, we love the alphabet, we love our ABDLs, we love our zoos, and, honestly I would love to see a whole book of zooey bedtime stories, I think that would be a delightful artifact to have exist in the world. I think Zooey ABCs for Zooey ABDLs is a fun and good thing to put out there into the universe, and I thank fox for doing it. I hope you’re enjoying foxself tonight, and, I think we should make sure to make those ABCs available as a standalone file, so that anyone interested can have just that to fall asleep to if they want. That will probably be at zoo dot wtf, and then click on Operation Zootube, that’s where a bunch of the standalone skit files can be found.

Akito: Our next email comes to us from Wileless Coyote, with the subject line, “Cautiously Optimistic.”

Wileless writes,

Firstly thank you all for all you do, ZooTT has been an important part of my life since its inception. I’m very sorry to hear that Toggle is taking a step back but I hope that he enjoys a little extra free time, he deserves it and more. The real point of this email is that I’m finally taking a huge step in my life as a zoo and there’s no one in my life who I can share it with so I thought my friends at ZooTT might like to hear. I’m finally, after all these years, in the planning stages of getting a mare of my own.

Will: Hey, that sounds wonderful, Wileless, I am genuinely very happy to hear it.

Akito: I’ve been blessed with the land necessary and have managed to gather the materials to fence in my field and build a barn for her. My parents run a horse rescue that always seems overwhelmed with clients and I’m going to see if I can work through them to rescue an ill-fated mare for a better life. After over a decade of self denial and years more of repressing myself for the sake of keeping the peace, I’m finally building the life I want to live, with the beings I want to live it with.

Will: That sounds very emotionally healthy and fulfilling. I know, myself, I don’t think I would have ended up profoundly happy with life if not for the years I spent with my life partner, a huge, snuggly, wonderful dog. Kissing in the morning as a tail thumps against the bedsheets, settling in and falling asleep together at night, the long walks we went on every day, the conversations that we had. I think it’s only possible to understate how much it means to be among your kind.

Akito: The last big thing, and what’s stopped me for the last several years, is my wife. I don’t know if you remember my message from the last time I brought it up to her, but it was not the positive and supportive interaction I had hoped for.

Will: I think I do remember that. If Steeeve was on and had a remark about “the only thing you HAVE to do,” then I am thinking of the right person, and if not I do apologize.

Akito: But that being said it wasn’t entirely negative either,

Will: Hey, fair.

Akito: more of a “let’s talk about this in the future” kind of thing. Well it is the future, time marches inexorably on and I intend to forge it into the future I long for. All of this to say I’m going to talk to her again soon, please keep me in your thoughts, and if anyone is so inclined I would be very grateful if you would pray for me.

Will: I will be keeping you in my thoughts Wileless. I don’t know if you want a Satanist to pray for you or not, but I will definitely leave that to the audience. As you said, it is the future, time moves forward always. I believe that you deserve to live a life you feel contentment with. Building a fence and rescuing a mare sounds like a very resonant quest.

Akito: In closing, perhaps a bit corny, but I wrote a poem as I watched the sun set over the aforementioned field and I would like to share it with you. Maybe a reminder that even if things are bad right now they do get better. But sometimes you have to seize the times and MAKE them better.

Will: And we have the poem here, which reads:

I look upon a field of green where soon a fence will stand

a pile of oaken lumber that’s the makings of a barn

a host of labor to be done and all of it by hand

and yet despite the daunting tasks my heart begins to yearn

years spent living quietly and meekly in the crowd

and putting off my heart’s own needs to ease my family’s lives

but here I stand with land and means that blessings have endowed

And I must do for me, for once, suppress it though I’ve tried

In my minds eye, within that field, the fences clearly stand

silver shining guardians encircling the land

and in their midst there stands a barn, whose heavy oaken beams

bear the weight of longing of my long-neglected dreams.

Will: God bless, I love it. Thank you for writing in, Wileless. Let’s doooo one more for right now, this short one.

Akito: Sure. Pablotb writes in with the subject line, “New Here.” Pablotb says, Hi, discovered your radio show by accident. I love it. Keep up the great work, thumbs up.

Will: Thank you, Pablotb. I love us too.

Keep it here on 106.6, The Ark, as we still have a lot to look forward to. Coming up, we will be hearing from Shiv, with their very powerful new single Clipped Wings. The German duo has been in the studio working on a number of tracks recently. There is a distinct possibility that something big is coming from them. Band members Konny and Cookie didn’t confirm every last detail to The Ark, but, I’d keep my eye on those two.

Again, 106.6, zeta waves, noises into microphones from people who have, and don’t tell anyone, but some people talking to you tonight have kissed non human animals on the mouth in real life, and it like, kind of ended up being a big deal, for us. And it’s okay if you’ve kissed a dog and it was less of a thing to you, like, there are people who are a little zooey, people for whom zoo is their whole thing, and people for whom zoo is one thing but not their entire deal. You do you. Zoo do zoo.

And if you’re already dialed in to 106.6 The Ark, then, stay tuned, because you’ve already chosen the right place to be.

Zoo Media Skit.txt

Akito: Oh hi Eggshell, fancy meeting you here on dry land.

Eggshell: Hey Akito The Zoo long time no see.

Akito: How have you been what have you been doing?

Eggshell: Good, I was just reading Creating Our Own Online Spaces by lav, listening to Tim Wish You Were Born A Dog by Zipwok done as an adaptation of Of Montreal’s Tim Wish You Were Born A Girl, I was also replaying that zoo text adventure game I made called Formthief that can be found on the right hand sidebar of my website To Thine Own Self Be Zoo, I was also relistening to the Get Help episode of Zooier Than Thou season 3 episode 3 and the Zoophilia and Religion episode season 3 episode 1.

Akito: Wow.

Eggshell: Yeah I was also looking at some of Milk’s art on her twitter page champion whoops, that’s champion w h o o p s, and I was also just chatting with a lot of zoos in DMs and sharing zoo memes back and forth, and I was listening to your podcast Zoo & Me found at the website zoo and dot me, it’s a really fun show it’s peak podcast content to hear friends chatting every week, you’re almost on a hundred episodes I noticed.

Akito: Wow it sounds like zoos have been really busy making media lately.

Eggshell: Yeah we’ve honestly been crushing it.

Akito: Big collaborative projects, individual artists,

Eggshell: Memes,

Akito: Music,

Eggshell: Oh yeah I love the music, that was really good music that we put in that episode of Zooier Than Thou that we recorded back on The Ark earlier.

Akito: Well it was good seeing you here on dry land, maybe I’ll see you again sometime.

Eggshell: Yeah bye.

Dear Non-Zoos - Prepare to Be Boarded

Pearl: More comes through my soul; thank you Mother Waters.

Dear Non-Zoos who work with animals. I know many of you who sincerely do all you can to treat the animals in your care as lovingly and as compassionately as possible, who strive to give every bit of freedom you can to the animals you’re tasked with caring for. We see you, and we thank you!

Maybe you haven’t thought of zoophiles much. But we’re all around you. And when you help an animal that’s well taken care of, that seems unusually close with their human partner, every now and then that’s a zoo. You’ve met us before. And you’ve loved us before, not despite of who we are but because of it. We want to be able to stand with you in genuinely caring about animals; we want you to know us authentically.

Thank you for all you do. I hope one day we’ll get to be more open with you. Every zoo I know is intensely grateful to those who work to better animal’s lives, whether you’re a veterinarian, a caretaker, if you work with wildlife or domestic animals… if you’re out there putting your time and energy into bettering the life of animal on this planet then I truly thank you. On behalf of all zoos, thank you! Seeing you treat our loved ones well is a very effective way of getting into our good graces.

Aqua: YOU! There in the water, prepare to be boarded.

Pearl: We’re caught! Ripper, Sweetwater, take the front reins, everyone in formation!

Aqua: Wait wait, no! Is that… is that a sled team of dolphins? Got her. Stand by.

Pearl: Yes, this IS a sled team of dolphins. A sled team, a sled family, I could phrase it either way.

Aqua: Can… can I come with you? I’m taking on water and I didn’t bring snacks.

Pearl: We’ll swing back around.

Aqua: This is… amazing.

Pearl: You’re going to love Sweetwater. Sweetwater is the sarcastic one.

Aqua: Mhm. I was listening the whole time. That was good. You did really well.

You know, when I had the idea for Dear Non Zoos, we didn’t have much of anything. Or anyone. At least I didn’t…

We had to fight just to hear each other. And then fight just to be heard by anyone else, about who we really are, and against all the things that we’re not.

Dear Non Zoos wasn’t canceled the first time… I quit. The station got bought by some rich asshole who gutted the staff and turned it into a propaganda machine. It was all talk, no thoughts, no music… the advertisers left, so did a lot of listeners. It was all just fake anger and bullshit. It’s still running somehow.

The Ark is a lot like how that place used to be, except it moves, and there’s all this new stuff that new people are making. And sabotage!

I dunno, maybe when people have to go somewhere new after things turn to shit, they bring too many of their old habits with them, because they don’t know how to do anything else. All they know is they weren’t done yet, and the jerks are all still out there.

But most people aren’t jerks.

…

You’re still live, if there’s more you want to say.

Pearl: Oh!

Well folks, thank you for being my captive audience here tonight. Give yourselves and everyone you know lots of love out there. As zoos it’s our sexuality-given responsibility to care for the world and the environment so all animals, non-human and even humans too, can live lives not plagued by 2.4 million tons of plastic floating in our loving Mother Ocean. I want us to heal, and not to harm. The world doesn’t always go that way: the world does have healing and harming within itself, it is a back and forth, a dance, a tide, an unfolding of growth. Let your spirit into your heart.

Voiceless, Invisible

I am invisible

If you could see me, you could not look away

That is why I must never be seen

I am voiceless

If you could hear my cries, you could not stomach the sound

That is why I must be silenced

I am flightless

If I could fly, I would go anywhere, anywhere but here

That is why they’ve clipped my wings

I do not want axioms

I do not want platitudes

I do not want to be calmed

I want freedom

Freedom from conveyor belts

From hooks

From little boxes

Freedom from the whims of your convenience

For I am not convenient

And your satisfaction

Does not justify the cost

A day will come

When even you won’t be able to afford it

“Clipped Wings” (Song)

Shiv: Had my roots in their garden in which

Every twig had been pruned, every thorn pulled out

Was a pink flower for men to gaze at

They clipped my feathers so my wings wouldn’t sprout

But I wanna be more than just an accent in your dirty green

When the gardeners fail to cut me right, I’ll take to the blue and the white

Flee their zoological garden

Rotting roots from the water in which

Sea roses didn’t quite thrive they merely survived

I wasn’t hatched to be entertainment

Could live my life here but my heart would die, so

I spread both wings, a choir that sings

“all living beings denied their rights

to freedom, kindness, by men’s blindness

to them as people can’t live dignified

lives.” I won’t be just one more sub-human in your garden Eden

Now that I’m up high I fear the down where men wear bloody crowns

And I saw great lakes on my flights and bustling towns

And I saw the mustangs run wild, heard the wolves howling proud

While he watched his brother bleed out, on a hook upside down

And she cried all night for a child who could not be found

I feel the need for all of my brothers and sisters to be free

Birds-eye-view has shown me and I’ve found, too many live to die on the ground

And I saw the mountains at dawn, piercing through the clouds

And I saw the doe kiss her fawn, and the bull love his cows

While she was restrained with a chain, to be misused again

And he looked at her as a bolt went straight through her brain

Their pleas go unheard, for they’re not spoken

Lend them your voice you understand them

Sabotage this clockwork of a system

Until every cage is smashed and broken

Their pleas go unheard, for they’re not spoken

Lend them your voice you understand them

Sabotage this clockwork of a system

Until every cage is smashed and broken

Their pleas go unheard, for they’re not spoken

Lend them your voice you understand them

Sabotage this clockwork of a system

Until every cage is smashed and broken

Sonnet 5

A oneness while I read a yellow book

And at my side you dream of some grand chase

Paws scratching bedsheets gently as they twitch

Some gentle barks, a wildly twitching face

I lie ensnared in blankets round my legs

And likewise wrapped in words on pulpy page

And also I lay snuggled in your scruff

My temple buried in your shoulder blades

Here now, I follow two stories at once

In one, thirteen dwarves and a hobbit walk

The other you whisper to me in sleepy barks

Telling me of a fantastical run

This old book’s tale is good, but not the best:

Your doggy dream gives wholeness to this nest

Red Junk Thanks Couches

Blirk: Hi, have you ever wanted a couch, but then thought, I don’t know if it’s really that good enough for sitting on, this couch. Here new at Red Junk Thanks Couches, you know our couches are good, because they’ve been approved by the biggest fans of couches ever. You guessed it, iiiit’s dogs!

Lookmangger: Hi, upholsterer and dog behaviorist expert here, Sprank Lookmangger. Based on years and years of expertise, you can know if a chair or a couch is any good or not based on how stiff a dog’s peeper-deeper gets when they get a good olll sniff and a brush against that furniture. They know what’s good for THEM and that means what’s good for YOU.

Blirk: Wow Sprank, so let’s get a dog here— Woah there boy! And now let’s just put out one of the couches from our competitors.

Lookmangger: See he’s not even INTERESTED, that couch is bad, it’s not good for HIM and it’s not good for YOU. There’s not even a centimeter not even a little red peeper deeper deeper reaper of a red rocket not even a little tip of red rocket poking out of that sheath at that couch.

It’s not a vice presidential couch.

Blirk: Now let’s get some of our couches out here, from Red Junk Thanks Couches!

Blirk: Haha wow he’s all over them!

Lookmangger: That sure is right Blirk.

Blirk: He’s humping THAT one! He’s humping THAT one! Ope–oh wow, he found purchase on that one between the cushions!

Lookmangger: He sure did, that one has got the ultra microsuede tactilated good love yes need special upholstery that your rear and his p-c-uh-c-penis are going to love.

Blirk: He’s KNOTTED with the couch from Red Junk Thanks Couches!

Blirk: Well if that’s not the sexiest couch ever I don’t know what is! Red Junk Thanks Couches, come onnn down!

Fuck the Bear Interstitial

Eggshell: I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

I wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck wanna fuck the bear!

That’s it. Alright.

CALLSIGN: 106.6.

Slick: So, I understand you want to fuck the bear.

Tex: Everyone wants to fuck the bear.

CALLSIGN: The Ark. Zoo Pirate Radio.

106.6 The Ark Radio 4

Will: Duck in pairs on logs and shores

Ducks in tandem flight

Ducks in Vs of ten or more

Ducks in love with life

Welcome back, you are listening to 106.6, The Ark, we are broadcasting with nobody’s permission and we are loving every second of it. What do you think of the pirate experience so far, Akito?

Akito: Hm? Oh, sorry, I was thinking about birds. Birds…

Will: More than fair. I think we should all take, ten seconds, and think about an animal that we like.

Will: I love how dogs smell. Anyways, let’s do a couple more emails.

Akito: Our first email comes to us from Fleetari, who writes in about Bonus Content slash Songs.

Fleetari writes,

Hey, just wanna say that i really enjoy the zooey songs that y’all have made. My 3 top favorites are Stableboy, King of the Pride, and Loud and Proud. Sometimes i picture myself cutting up in traffic with a Dodge Challenger with Loud and Proud blasting on the radio haha. Anyways, y’all should make more songs more often cuz i like them a lot.

Will: Fleetari, I agree, and there are people more musically talented than me working on that all the time. I hope you liked the one earlier about fucking the bear.

Akito: We do want to fuck the bear.

Will: If I can really emphasize this so that it is crystal clear, there is a video game called Baldur’s Gate 3 that has a bear in it, and we do want to fuck the bear.

Akito: Fleetari continues,

By the way, i would recommend to have the song lyrics typed out somewhere on the website, cuz as with any song, there are certain words in it I can have a tough time hearing clearly.

Thank you for the advice. And some clarification.

Will: I have a note here from Toggle that our lyrics are available on SoFurry. So, apparently we or a dedicated fan are posting our material to SoFurry, and, the lyrics are available there. I do also know that Zipwok is on bandcamp and posts lyrics there along with the songs, and Shiv posts their lyrics and chords to their Twitter page, band underscore shiv, that is b a n d underscore s h i v.

Thanks for writing in Fleetari. Let’s do one more for tonight.

Akito: For our last email, Zooey Cheesehead writes in to follow up on a previous email. The cheesehead writes:

Hey all, hope you are doing well. Sorry it took me so long to respond, I kind of got caught up with life. I just wanted to thank you for your advice and insight with my last email about undoing a previous owner’s training. I found a trainer who has worked with abused dogs before and am just saving up the money for private classes.

Will: I wish good fortune upon you with that, Zooey Cheesehead.

Akito: I also wanted to clarify some things and add some more context that was lacking. After hearing you read my last email out loud I realized that I worded it pretty poorly and missed some important context. So, I wanted to clarify that I am not trying to train my dog to hump on command or for sex or anything like that. This is my first relationship, non-human or otherwise, and I want it to be a wholesome, organic thing and I feel training him for sex would taint that. Plus, personally, I feel that explicitly training an animal for sex is wrong.

Will: Totally understood. We appreciate the clarification and it sounds like you are very mindful of his perspective and his wellbeing, so I do not have any doubts that that is what you meant from the get go. You are good.

Akito: I have put sex on the back burner anyway as he simply is not interested, and I respect his decision. He showed no interest and walked away after like 15 seconds, and that was that. While I would love to take things to the next level, I also understand that he is not ready and may never be, and that will not change how much I love and care for him in any way.

Now for the context. When I caught him humping his blanket I had only had him for about a month and a half. During that time I had him in my room a lot of the time as I was still getting my cats and him used to each other. It didn’t take long for him and 1 of the cats but the other 2 were very stubborn and mad for a while. So I basically walked in on him. He was in a separate room in his kennel with no one around. I don’t want him humping things all over the house, but I don’t mind what he does in his own private space. That is why I wanted to let him know I was fine with it. I haven’t seen him hump anything since that first time, so maybe he was just bored. I have had him for about 7 months and he has opened up a lot since I got him. The cats and him get along pretty well now, so he can come and go as he pleases around the house.

Will: I think you are on a good path with this, Zooey Cheesehead. My own approach would just be to establish strong communication. I think that the more you demonstrate to a dog that you are listening to them, and the more that you speak to them about whatever is going on right now, the more they can understand more nuanced messages from you. So, for example, with fluent communication established, if you caught him humping again and he looked embarrassed, and you could essentially just tell him in plain English that it’s alright to do that, or you could comfort him with playing, if it seems like he would be more receptive to that: seeing him humping, he’s embarrassed, and then the two of you are actually tossing a rope around instead of anything bad happening, it could be a constructive learning moment. I have known dogs who would understand the words, “It’s alright, you’re okay.” And it may still take time for them to believe you fully, but, it may help over time.

Akito: Zooey Cheesehead continues:

I also forgot to mention that his previous owners did kennel train him, though I rarely need to use it. I think they kept him in the kennel a lot because he spends a lot of time laying in there even though I leave the door wide open 99% of the time. I’m working on getting him to come out more often and to sleep on the bed, but he always goes to his kennel to sleep. Sometimes he’s sleeping on the bed when I wake up, but never when I go to sleep. I don’t think I should remove the kennel as I think that it may be a safe space for him. Any ideas on that front?

Will: There is a note here from Toggle, Kennel equals Safe Space, small dark spaces are comfy for a lot of dogs.

And yeah, that seems true enough. I’m thinking of when dogs are scared by fireworks, spaces they seem to go are under my desk at my feet, hiding between the bed and the wall, going into a dark bathroom. So, I think it’s possible for a dog to associate a kennel with punishment, but I would agree with you that he may moreso see it as a safe space.

As far as sleeping on the bed with you, I would just give it time, I think. I know a dog right now who at first never wanted to sleep on a bed with me, but over time she came to like sleeping at the foot of the bed. Again, I would just say, communication, demonstrating empathy. Maybe spending time down on the floor, being approachable outside of the context of the bed. Maybe if you could also establish some kind of cue that would be helpful to him, like if there is a blanket that he is allowed to lay on anywhere and then you put that on the bed, that would be something to try. Just to help him out.

Akito: On a side note, his second birthday is in a couple of months and I want to make it special for him. I even looked into dog-friendly cake recipes and ideas. What do you usually do for your companion’s birthdays?

Will: I think the dog friendly cake is a great idea. This is not exclusive to birthdays, it could happen on other occasions or just as a random treat, but I like to cook dogs cuts of meat just for them. I will just wander into the meat section of the grocery store, a place I wouldn’t normally visit for any other reason, and grab a thing of cubes or strips of beef, cook them up at home, make sure it cools down, and then put it in their dog bowl just for them.

Other ideas are just to do activities they enjoy, maybe going out for a swim or visiting the dog park if they’re into that.

Akito: But can’t you do that like, any day? Like, can’t you do that every day?

Will: Yeah, but it’s uh… If the human is looking for a reason to make it an occasion, then, there you go.

Akito: Anyway sorry for the long, rambling email. Thanks again. Please let me know if you have any other questions and have a great day.

Will: Thank you for the long rambling email, it allowed me to think about dogs and I love thinking about dogs, so it was a joy and a pleasure. Both of you have a great day as well.

Akito: That’s it, that’s the emails.

Will: That is, the emails.

Akito: There are a lot more that we don’t have time for.

Will: I wonder if we could do an Oops All Emails episode sometime.

Akito: Maybe.

Will: Have we already done that? I feel like we maybe have.

Akito: I dunno.

Will: Yeah, I dunno either. Anyways, let’s throw it back to… well, it’s either going to be Aqua or Pearl, for Dear Non Zoos. And later we’ll hear the gorgeous Puppy Step Waltz by Ravepup, Keep it here on 106.6, The Ark.

Dear Non-Zoos - Out to Sea

Aqua: What have we learned here, today?

Pearl: I think we’ve learned that Aqua can be won over by dolphins.

Aqua: I already knew that.

Pearl:  Maybe that… not everyone’s a jerk? And there are plenty of decent people out there, too. But you already knew that, too, didn’t you?

Aqua: I was reminded of it. That counts.

Pearl: As an orb, are you monofaceted or infinitely faceted?

Aqua: I think we’ve discussed my flaws enough for one day.

Puppy Steps

I’m struck by how little I used to know, how much I realize I still don’t know.

It’s just me in the house. Me and three dogs, while my husband is out of town. The two pups wrestle on the floor, fighting over a toy that has no more fluff to spare, squeaker long ripped out and discarded. My eldest dog Patch sits on the couch next to me and watches. He yawns, his ears splay backwards, he pulls his lips back and begins to pant. It wasn’t long ago I might have mistaken this for a sleepy, serene smile, but now I know the signs. He’s anxious. He’s not used to having other dogs in the house, having lived 10 years on his own and gotten used to a quiet routine. I reach over and rub up and down his chest and throat, and he tilts his head back to give me better access, closing his eyes. I’ve started doing more chest rubs instead of head scratches lately. I’ve heard most dogs prefer it, and through experimentation, I can almost confirm this is true.

One of the pups tries to climb into my lap, but I catch him by the paws mid leap to avoid being scratched. He begins to lick my thumbs fervently. I loosen my grip, and he pulls away and runs off to play again. How easy it is to mistake licks for affection. I wonder how many times I’ve made that mistake.

Patch considers the logistics of jumping over the arm of the couch to get away from the frenetic pups who have threatened to breach the security of the elevated seating. I notice the way his ears move, how his eyes widen, how he holds his tail. It’s all there, subtle, but clear as day now that I’ve learned what to look for.

It’s upsetting that it took so long for me to learn. But I am learning, and I have my community to thank for that. Finding my people spurred me to strive to be as thoughtful as all the incredible people around me, and to reexamine all the things I took for granted in my relationship with my dogs. I’ve become more patient, letting Patch take his time enjoying scents on our walks, being more forgiving when the puppies destroy some prized possession we left within reach. I’ve become cognizant of the ways their autonomy is suppressed in daily life, and I look for every chance I can to give them freedom and choice, and it never feels like it’s enough.

I even went vegan, something I never thought I’d be able to do. It’s embarrassing how long it took me to even try.

A friend of mine posted A Photographic Guide of Canine Body Language in a telegram channel, and I’ve started reading through it. And even though it’s enlightening, I keep thinking about how much time I let go by before stopping to even look for a resource like this.

I didn’t have anyone to motivate me before. No one ever made me question my relationship with my animals before I found the zoo community. And I couldn’t motivate myself; I didn’t even know what I was missing.

But that’s what community is for. We bring out the best in each other. We give each other perspective we can’t gain on our own. We share knowledge, and wisdom, and stories — funny anecdotes, the fears that keep us up at night, the grief of lost friends and lovers. We bear a collective load none of us could ever take on by ourselves.

I’m not perfect. God knows I probably never will be. But everyday I’m a little better. And every day, my relationship with my dogs improves. Their lives will be better because I’m better, and I have my community to thank for that. One day I hope I’ll be able to pay it forward, and give that gift to another zoo and their partner. For now, though, I should probably give myself a little grace. Nobody’s perfect.

Puppy steps. One foot in front of the other, and we’ll get there eventually. For now, I should try to figure out how to make Patch feel more at ease with his new housemates. I have a couple of friends I can ask.

“Puppy Step Waltz” (song)

(Instrumental)

Outro

Will: A friend who’ll always get you off because he wants your nut

A friend who when invited to will gladly lick your butt

A friend who tells you what he needs

A friend who’s always there

A friend who meets your snuggling needs

A friend with really nice hair

A friend who in the presence of you can safely pee or fart

A friend who in the absence of there’s a tugging at your heart

A friend to share a routine with

A friend you think is hot

A friend to share a lifetime with

A friend you kiss a lot

A friend whose nurturing picks you up when you are down and out

“Man’s best friend with benefits” is an apt name without doubt

Thanks friends, for listening to Zooier Than Thou. You can find us on the web at zoo dot wtf.

Our musicians tonight have been, Zipwok, with Paw Pads.

Kiss Me Kabar, with their song, I Wanna Fuck The Bear From Baldur’s Gate 3.

Konny and Cookie of the band that is called, Shiv, with their song, Clipped Wings.

And finally we had Ravepup with the beautiful ambient track Puppy Steps Waltz.

Akito: Want to get in touch? You can send us an email at mail at zoo dot wtf, or get in touch with the contact form on our website, at zoo dot wtf. Subscribe to our zooey rss feed at rss dot zoo dot wtf, and make sure to check out our bonus content at bonus dot zoo dot wtf.

Will: To find more from Akito, steal a lifeboat and row away to zoo and dot me, where you’ll find another zoosexual podcast, hosted by Akito The Zoo and Brass The Bulldog. The two of them have been putting out weekly conversational episodes for over two years now, it’s a lot of fun. To find zoo short story content from me, you can visit to thine own self be zoo dot com; you can read the stories on the site or get them as pdfs, epubs, or .txts if that’s more convenient for you, but yeah it’s a bunch of stories with zoos in them, mostly. To get zooey articles every Saturday and Sunday, check in with Zooey Dot Pub: the website for that is contested right now, but you can follow z o o e y d o t p u b on Twitter to keep up with the latest on what content the team is putting out.

Akito: The next episode of Zooier Than Thou will be… something! Tune in when it happens and let’s find out together.

Will: I’m Will, and I Will be getting into our stores of rum when we’re done here tonight.

I am also hypothetically Eggshell, when I’m not on a pirate ship, or doing a character, hypothetically.

Akito: I’m Akito, and I am legally just visiting and not responsible for any federal crimes that The Ark is committing via this unauthorized broadcast.

Will: Horses love stegosauruses, and you’ve almost finished listening to Zooier Than Thou. We’ll see you next time you feel like howling at the moon.

Will: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Akito: Yeah I super don’t wanna do that.

Will: Wwwwoo.

Akito: I like it, but I’m not into it.