S6E12: The Game Show Finale!

Please note that this transcript is automatically generated and contains many inaccuracies

Disclaimer

Brass:  The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains adult concepts and language and is intended for a mature audience. So if you’re not old enough to subscribe to Dropout.tv without your parent’s credit card, this season finale is not for you!

Theme Song

Kynophile: Hey, what can I say?

You’ve got me howlin’ at the moon!

Whoa, don’t you know that love is wild when you’re a zoo?

We’re Zooier Than Thou!

Oh yeah!

Intro/Emails

Toggle: Greetings fellow zoos, and welcome to a very player-driven episode of Zooier Than Thou. I’m the rat with the biggest balls in town, Toggle!

Tarro: And I’m Tarro, a raccoon who knows better than to wash cotton candy, no matter how dirty and sticky it is.

Toggle: And we’ll be your hosts for this episode.

Tarro: Except really, your host for most of this episode will be none other than Brass Bulldog.

Toggle: Indeed! Brass has put together a very special season finale for us, and we don’t want to waste a whole lot of time on banter now.

Tarro: Don’t worry, though. We’ll make up for it with plenty of banter throughout the rest of the episode.

Toggle: Anyway, let’s not waste time. We have a couple of emails to knock out before we get to the real fun!

Tarro: Up first, here’s Fern with a Response to the Podcast. Fern writes:

Hey, zoo crew. Just want to say I love your show. You guys make so many zoos feel accepted. You are paving the way for zoo acceptance. I am currently dating a very beautiful cat and I am so lucky to have him. You have taught me to love him even more, and cherish the small moments. Merry zoomas. [/+/]

— They added a little ASCII zoo flag at the end. Nice!

Toggle: We’re thrilled to hear we’ve been able to make your relationship with your animal companion even stronger. Merry belated zoomas to you, too!

Tarro: Thanks for writing in Fern! Hope you had a happy Howliday!

Toggle: Up next, we have The Goopert, who writes about a change in themselves. The Goopert writes:

I’m sure you’ve gotten this before but God. I hated you guys. I really did. I let myself get so caught up in a mob of “us vs them” and it’s only now that I’ve been able to see things in a new perspective. Understanding my own paraphilias has made me a better person. I’m not a zoo. But my amazing partner is. And I’d do anything for her to have her own 4 legged lover without the stigma. The point of this message is to let yall know im so thankful for what you guys do. Funnily enough, I still can’t really bring myself to listen to the show (nothing against you guys at all, you’re all wonderful. But it’s a mental barrier thing. More people should give you guys a listen) but that hasn’t stopped me from advocating for zoos and other paraphilias as much as I can. You guys do important work. Never ever let the negativity of other outshine the goodness you guys do.

Tarro: Well, uh, thank you so much for writing in there, uh, Goopert. Uh, I guess you’re probably not gonna hear this when, uh, we do it on the show because you’re not listening to the episode, but, uh, even as someone who’s not listening, definitely appreciate the kind words, the support, and I’m happy that you’re able to be there for your partner, uh, and help them sort of Except themselves as well.

Toggle: Yeah, you know, it’s really funny how many people are like, oh I used to hit you guys But then I didn’t and usually it’s like oh we listen to you Uh, and something changed, but now it’s like, oh, actually, someone I know and love is a zoo. And that has changed my perspective.

Tarro: So, are you taking this message on behalf of the zoo community as a whole? Or do you think there’s a reason they specifically reached out to like the podcast specifically?

Toggle: I don’t know. Maybe their, Maybe their partner listens to us.

Tarro: Oh, I like to imagine they got like halfway through an episode and they’re like, God, I hate this so much, but also respect,

Toggle: That’s actually probably true. Well, thanks for writing in The Goopert. Hopefully one day you’ll listen and hear your email on the air.

Tarro: Lastly, here’s H

Y

Z

N

A+ with some Season 6 Episode11, ramble regarding. Weird way to construct that sentence.

Toggle: Yeah, we just try to weave the subject line into a sentence. This one doesn’t quite work.

Tarro: Hyzna+ writes:

Not sure how to begin this message so I’ll say it outright. I’ve been suicidal for just about the entirety of 2024. Honestly, there were some times I didn’t think I’d see the next year, but, well, here I am.

Your episode on the topic of suicide awareness and prevention touched me deeply for that reason, I felt seen, and while I was afraid to listen to it at first, I did, over the course of a few days, finish it.

I know it’s a bit of a joke to say this in January, but the latter half of that episode was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard this year. It made me feel like maybe, if I could just break through my isolation a bit, this year could be different. As much as it fills me with panic and irrevocable dread to communicate online, this will be the year I start reaching out to more trans, furry, and zoo communities, places I can be myself, or at least closer to myself. I know some trans furries IRL, but I think they consider me somewhat of a pariah for fitting outside the norm of both categories, and my closest confidant no longer speaks to me after I came out to him as a zoo, so there’s that. Still, there’s something beautiful about baring your soul to someone on a moonlit castle rampart, even if they reject it. His first words were “don’t tell anyone about this…” Bit late for that, really. Still, what is any relationship without the risk of rejection? Regarding the comment by Steeeve, “if we save just one zoo it’ll all be worth it,” it’s quite possible I wouldn’t be here without this podcast, so consider your work more than worth its effort. I was in a bad place after that failed confession. I’m just lucky I had enough presence of mind to give away my knives before anything too terrible happened.

So yeah, apologies for a long and longer-winded message, but I just want all of you to know that you are appreciated for your hard work, and if I can contribute in some way, I will do so gladly. If this message is read on-air, so to speak, I would like to say to all fellow sufferers of depression and such similar maladies that if you feel like you’re at rock bottom, that’s fine. That just means there’s nowhere to go but up.

y’know?

Toggle: Yeah. Wow. I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been that way all year. I know how hard it is to be rejected by someone you consider a close friend for sure. so I’m really glad we were part of helping you bounce back. That’s, good for us to hear. I appreciate that.

Tarro: Yeah, and I mean, part of the reason that we wanted to do that episode was because it is something that a lot of zoos do struggle with. It’s not an easy time to be a zoo out there right now. I mean, it’s also not an easy time to be trans or a furry or any of the other things that you said, to be honest, but The fact that you were able to take something so positive away from that episode, it really makes me happy and, uh, I’m really glad that sort of the message was received so positively.

Toggle: Yeah, and we wanted to make sure there was something to like lift up the tail end of that episode because we knew it was going to be a heavy topic and I’m really glad the concerts had that effect, so that’s great.

Tarro: And, uh, hey, fingers crossed or paws crossed that, uh, year 2025 starts looking up for you. I hope that you can, uh, find those groups. I really do think that social isolation is one of the worst things for depression. The more friends you can have around you, the more people that are able to help lift you up.

I really think it can help a lot in the long run, so keep your head up and keep trying.

Toggle: Yeah, strong support network is super important. Especially now.

Tarro: Thanks a bunch for being vulnerable with us, Hyzna+! I like the plus at the end of your name. Very cool.

Tarro: Thanks a bunch for being vulnerable wth us, Hyzna+!

Toggle: We’re really happy you felt a ton of joy hearing those concerts at the end of the episode, too. Sometimes we gotta remember to come together and just have fun.

Tarro: And speaking of coming together and having fun, we really hope you’ll really enjoy being in the audience for Brass Bulldog’s special gameshow presentation, BOT-ched Job!

Toggle: Ah, a robot pun. I get it.

Tarro: It’ll be me, Toggle, and Milk battling it out in a game where we don’t know the rules, but we’re so smart and great and good and right that we’re gonna totally wing it and totally crush it.

Toggle: But first of course, a word from our sponsors! Stay tuned!

Sponsors

Announcer: Support for Zooier Than Thou comes from Epiphiny Pipeworks. Check out Epiphiny’s work on Mastodon at [email protected], that’s E-P-I-P-H-I-N-Y. E-P-I-P-H-I-N-Y.

This episode is also made possible by the robots working in our podcast mines. Thanks robots, and special thanks to the meat sacks down there with them, too! Visit us on the web at zoo.wtf, and subscribe using rss.zoo.wtf to get notified every time we’re on the air.

Brass Bulldog’s BOT-ched Job!​

Brass: Hello, and welcome to a BotBotBotBot-ched Job! Today, we are joined by three wonderful guests.

First up, we have, fresh from Trinidad and Tobago, it’s milk.

Milk: Hi everyone.

Brass: Next up, we have, begging you for an article, it’s Tarro.

Tarro: I’d like to buy a vowel.

Brass: No.

Tarro: Oh, okay. Fair, fair enough.

Brass: And last but certainly not least, still waiting for his balls to drop, it’s Toggle!

Toggle: Listen, Dozens of hours of watching Dropout TV have prepared me for this moment. I’m ready to go.

Brass: Then there’s me, your host, Brass Bulldog.

Toggle: Hi!

Brass: Now, all of you know how this game works, yes?

Milk: No.

Toggle: No idea.

Brass: No? What the fuck do you mean no?

Tarro: I tried to buy a vowel. I really thought this was Wheel of Fortune.

Brass: Look, I had my assistant send all of you a fax, with the rules.

Toggle: My, my fax machine has been unplugged since like 2003.

Brass: Why would you unplug your fax machine? They’re so fucking important!

Tarro: I don’t know if I’ve ever owned a fax machine.

Brass: God, you cavemen.

Well, we don’t have time to go over the rules now, so you’re just gonna have to wing it.

Toggle: Oh boy…

Brass: Are you ready, contestants?

Milk: No.

Toggle: Ready as I’ll ever be. AWOOOOOO! Yeah!

Brass: I love the enthusiasm.

Milk: Help.

Toggle: do it.

Brass: First up, something you need in the morning before people talk to you. Yes, Toggle.

Toggle: Mountain Dew.

Brass: I’ll accept it. Point for you.

Toggle: Alright, I got a point.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: A really good morning pee.

Brass: That

Toggle: not talk to me.

Brass: that is, that is frankly very valid. You do need a morning pee.

Tarro: Let’s go. Oh,

Brass: Milk.

Milk: Kind of same vein, I was thinking I would like to have my underwear first before you talk to me.

Toggle: Ha ha

Brass: Well, that’s boring.

Milk: No one needs to see that.

Brass: No point for you.

Toggle: ha. Oh no. Ouch.

Milk: I see how it is.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: I need, desperately, desperately need to brush my teeth. You won’t like to talk to me if I haven’t done that yet.

Brass: Honestly, yeah. Brush your fucking teeth. Taro.

Tarro: until past 11 a. m. Because before that I am not talking to you.

Brass: Get the fuck up, you lazy bum. No point for you.

Toggle: Oh no. Look, you got one?

Milk: I super don’t.

Brass: Going once. Going twice.

Milk: It’s just not my category.

Brass: Alright. So far, after the first question, we have two points for Taro, one point for Toggle. Oh, no, no, it’s mixed around,

Tarro: No, no, no, no, I like it that way. I like it that way.

Brass: Nope. Nope. Nope. I’m fixing it.

Next question. Things a puppy would ask Santa for. Taro.

Tarro: bone? Come on, easy.

Brass: Basic, but I’ll give it to you.

Tarro: Let’s go. We’re here to win.

Brass: Milk?

Milk: A couch that they are allowed to eat.

Brass: Hell yeah, that’s

Toggle: I love it!

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: Unlimited important cables to chew through. Ha ha

Brass: Yes, what we’re looking for. Point for you. Toggle.

Toggle: impotent pairs of shoes that both Rip to shreds, but also never deteriorate.

Brass: how that works, but alright.

Milk.

Milk: Whatever is in the pot that their owner is stirring. I’m

Brass: Yes. You get a point.

Milk: making a comeback.

Toggle: Yeah!

Brass: are catching up. Going once, going twice, moving on. Underrated animal noises.

Tarro: Ooh.

Toggle: I know I have one.

Tarro: Okay, okay. Do I have to make the noise?

Brass: You can.

Tarro: Okay. whale noises. Super underrated. Very calming. Nobody asks for them. But the fact that they, like, do songs and shit? Very cool.

Brass: Very, very good. I will give you a point, but I will give you a bonus one if you can make the whale sounds.

Tarro: Oh my god.

Toggle: Perfect.

Brass: A little more. Alright, alright, you get the bonus.

Tarro: Thank fucking god.

Brass: Milk!

Milk: know like the howler monkeys that have the air sack, and they go like, Oop! You know?

Brass: yeah, yeah, I love that, I love the whoop!

Milk: Oop! them.

Brass: I will give you the bonus point as well for making the sound.

Milk: Much shorter sound, thank you.

Brass: Toggle!

Toggle: The sound that a fox makes when you are tickling them.

Brass: Could you please describe that for us?

Toggle: It goes something like this.

Brass: Yes. Very underrated sound. Bonus point for you.

Tarro: I really thought you were queuing up for a late stage what does the fox say joke

Brass: I so was too, and I also would have given you a point for that, but no,

Toggle: Bring ding ding ding!

Milk: I was kind of hoping for like a really old furry lore reference of Of Yif being the sound foxes make when they have sex.

Toggle: Oh man. So good.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: All right, have y’all ever heard like baby crocodiles?

Brass: No I have not,

Tarro: Oh my god. Okay, so this is real. Baby crocodiles sound exactly like, freaking, lasers being shot. They, like, they sound like zoo, zoo, zoo. It’s really, really funny.

Brass: Bonus point for you.

Toggle.

Toggle: so everyone has heard like, dogs bark and stuff but there was this one puppy on the internet that was so excited and just freaking out and it was something like um, let me see if I can do this.

Milk: That’s insanely accurate.

Brass: Yes. Bonus point for that. Taro.

Tarro: for this sound? Here I go. That’s the sound of there being no mosquitoes because a spider ate them all and I don’t have to fucking deal with them.

Brass: Okay, I will give you a point for the answer. I’m not giving you a bonus point for nothing.

Tarro: I’ll take one. I’ll take one. That’s fine.

Melk is slowly going through every animal she’s ever seen.

Brass: Toggle?

Milk: List animals until failure.

Toggle: This is a sound that’s not a good sound. You don’t really necessarily want to encourage an animal to make this sound, but there is the sound that cats make when you are like scratching a certain space or there’s something irritating them, and it’s like,

Brass: Excuse me?

Tarro: I don’t know if I’ve ever heard a cat make that

Toggle: You’ve never

Brass: Yeah, I don’t know if I have either.

Toggle: la la la la la la la la la la la.

Tarro: Melk, as our cat expert, can you confirm here?

Milk: I, I can confirm, it is a classic.

Tarro: Alright, fuck.

Brass: all right, yeah, I will give a point and bonus point, I guess.

Toggle: Yes!

Brass: And Milk for the assist, I’ll give you one point because you’re also falling behind.

Milk: Oh! Free point!

Pity point! I don’t want it! I don’t want

Tarro: three and Brass is

Brass: want it? Okay, fine, I’ll take it

Milk: Wait, no, I want it! Give it back!

Brass: you said you

Tarro: Can I have it? If she doesn’t want it, can I have

Brass: No.

Milk: No, give it back. It was mine. It has my name on it.

Brass: All right. Going once, going twice, moving on to the next question. Something you don’t want grandma to see when she opens your bedroom door. Toggle.

Toggle: Anything that might possibly be on my computer screen. Anything, anything at all. Not a single thing. Do not look. Oh

Brass: I would be mortified if my grandmother saw my computer screen at any given point. Heheheheheheheheheheheheh

Tarro: my frankly upsetting, uh, collection of bad dragon toys, which I just keep out, sort of, on like a On a pedestal, basically.

Brass: I’m not sure that’s upsetting to me, but I will take it for

Tarro: My grandma would not like it.

Brass: Lame grandma. Milk, anything from you? Hm? Oh, yeah, Melk.

Milk: yaoi.

Brass: I am imagining, yeah, just a massive bookshelf of nothing but Yaoi. It’s all the front, it’s like all the fronts are facing off the shelf. So you can read each of the titles that way.

Milk: Yeah, big, big display. It’s

Toggle: Hm.

Brass: You get a point for sure.

Toggle: ha.

Milk: wouldn’t think so, but I think so.

Brass: Taro. Ooh, we’re getting into the good stuff now. Toggle.

Toggle: Huh. Okay. Okay, the image is grandmother. Walks in to the bedroom and sees something that we don’t want them to see, right?

Brass: Correct.

Toggle: Okay, so picture me sitting on a mat, naked from the waist down, and powdering my balls so that I can put on a diaper.

Brass: It’ll always be brought up during the family gatherings as the dusting.

Toggle: Fidestic!

Milk: Does she know it’s for a diaper, or is it just powdering?

Toggle: I don’t think it matters.

Brass: I mean, yeah, either way, you’re still being seen by your grandma dusting your balls with baby powder. Oh, I saw Taro pop up there.

Tarro: She would not like to see, me on my bed recording this game show for a zoophile podcast. She would not approve.

Brass: You have a very lame grandma.

Tarro: okay, sorry! Come out to your grandma and let me know how it goes!

Toggle: I’d do it. I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Tarro: Can you record it and make content out of it?

Toggle: No, she’s dead.

Brass: Oh damn,

Tarro: Easiest come out, though.

Brass: you just walk,

Tarro: there.

Toggle: Oh my

Brass: you will just get a stone cold response.

Toggle: Oh my god, no!

Milk: You can’t say that.

Brass: Any other takers? Oh, milk.

Milk: I don’t want her to see the commission I’m working on for Brass right now.

Brass: Hold on, which one are you working on?

Toggle: You know the

Milk: Hehehehe. It’s the one where you’re bent over, spreading your cheeks.

Brass: Oh yeah, that one, yeah.

Tarro: a good artist. I feel like your grandma might just be impressed.

Brass: Your grandma walks in, you just hear a wolf whistle.

Tarro: She’s like, how long’s your commission list? Can I get in there?

Milk: It’s about five years, Grandma, I’m sorry. Hehehehehe.

Brass: All right, oh, toggle.

Toggle: What I was doing at her house with her dog.

Brass: now see that’s, I don’t think that’s in your bedroom, but yeah, we’ll accept that answer. I’d

Toggle: I locked that door.

Brass: sure fuckin hope so. Going once, going twice, on to the next question. Reasons a cop pulled you over.

Milk: I’m, I’m, I’m a good girl.

Toggle: Cops never pulled me over. Hahaha!

Tarro: Okay, this is weird after they both said that, but giving really aggressive roadhead.

Brass: Oh, hell yeah.

Milk: I kinda wanna know the story. Hehehehehe.

Brass: That is what we are talking about.

Toggle: Do these have to be real reasons that we’ve been pulled over? Cause, I’m

Brass: You just

Tarro: only time I’ve been pulled over,

Brass: you just need to give me answers.

Toggle: Alright, fair enough, fair enough.

Brass: Yes, .

Tarro: I finally get doxed and I’m trying to evade the FBI.

Brass: I’d hope you wouldn’t be stopping at that point, but you know.

Toggle: Just make it to Mexico.

Brass: Disappear to

Toggle: in, but they’ll let you out. I

Tarro: True, true.

Milk: I’ve never been pulled over. But, if I were, it would’ve been that one time I was driving through a neighborhood. And I saw a car with a bad dragon sticker on it, and I slammed on the brakes, but there was somebody behind me. I said, no.

Brass: Break checked for a dildo logo, hell yeah.

Milk: We all make mistakes.

Brass: I’m not sure that was one.

Toggle: haven’t been pulled over in like 10 years. I don’t know what I would be pulled over for.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: because your car is covered in zoo stickers.

Brass: Hell yes. Yes.

Toggle: Nice.

Brass: Excuse me, could you explain to me why you’ve got five different stickers saying suck dog cock.

Tarro: What exactly is bestiality?

Toggle: It’s the best, Oh my god.

Tarro: Guys, it seems like I get pulled over way more than you do.

Toggle: citizen.

I don’t do anything wrong. Yeah,

Brass: to society. Any

Milk: that.

Tarro: Yeah, yeah. Very expected.

Toggle: I can’t, can’t top Tauros.

Brass: other answers? Going once? Going twice? On to the next question. Something different about this year’s dog agility course tournament.

Toggle: Oh no. But

Brass: Taro,

Tarro: Uh, a separate ribbon for how fast the knot deflates.

Brass: yes, very good, very good. Toggle.

Toggle: before that, A separate weapon for how fast the knot inflicts.

Brass: Are we going for, are we going for like, endurance there or just pure speed?

Tarro: Well, it’s agility!

Toggle: No, it’s agility! And you know, it’s kind of like a tandem sport, so you have to get them there faster.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: Much more innocent, everything is the same, but I’m there in the front row, waving my handkerchief and batting my eyelashes.

Brass: looking for your champion, eh?

Milk: Only the best.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: All right, I loved Milk’s sweet answer, but going back to the other stuff, the first part of that race is, uh, a test on how fast they can find the hole.

Brass: Oh, I like that one.

Milk: Very important skill.

Tarro: the lineup

can be tough sometimes.

Toggle: The line up in the dismount.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: It’s the same dog show, but all of the announcers are speaking the same way that all of the people talk about dogs when the cameras are off.

Brass: Ooooo. Now are you envisioning this as very sexual talk or is this shit talking to the dogs here?

Toggle: Oh no, they’re absolutely talking about how gorgeous they are, and how big their balls are, and what a great sire they would be, and how they would really love to be a Love to get my hands on that knot.

Brass: Good choice. If it was the other one, I’d have some questions.

Tarro: This is, uh, the dog show sponsored by Zooier Than Thou.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: This is kind of a random deep cut. Do you guys know the Nintendogs agility trial announcers

Tarro: Oh, yes I do. Uh

Milk: insane sexual tension?

Brass: Yeah.

Toggle: Oh, now

Milk: I want that, but in real life.

Brass: Alright, I think it would be better if they had sexual tension with the dog instead, but you know.

Milk: True, true, true.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: This year’s dog show is sponsored by Zooier Than Thou.

Brass: If only.

Toggle: You didn’t

Brass: you didn’t buzz in

Toggle: You didn’t buzz in for it. I stole it from you.

Tarro: Holy shit, you’re such a Brennan.

Toggle: I’ll take that with pride.

Brass: Yeah, honestly, Brendan is the best one.

Toggle: Love for a lot of them, to be honest, but like, that’s my man.

Brass: Any other answers? Going once, going twice, we are moving on. However, before we do, our current scores are Taro with 16 points, Toggle with 14 points, and Milk trailing behind with 10.

Tarro: Milk, no!

Toggle: Come on, Milk.

Tarro: Can I give one point to milk?

Toggle: You’ve gotta milk it, Milk.

Brass: do you accept this trade?

Milk: only on the condition that Brass also gives me back that pity point.

Brass: Now, you see, that’s involving me in something I have not

Milk: friends.

Tarro: Listen, you wanted to do butthole.

Milk: What about a butthole?

Tarro: Read the picture you’re drawing!

Milk: Oh yeah, that butthole.

Brass: thanks to that, I will indeed give both points.

Toggle: Alright!

Brass: So we are now at Taro with 15, Toggle at 14, and Milk with 12.

Tarro: Look at that! Scores are so close! Competitive game!

Toggle: yeah,

Milk: Game’s easy. I don’t know what you guys are talking about.

Toggle: I wanna win. Ah,

Brass: No.

Tarro: Goddammit!

Brass: Next up, something you really want to hear at the dog park, Taro.

Tarro: Hey, have you checked out the newest Zooey. pub article yet? It’s really good, well written, and high quality! I’m so excited to read the next ones coming out next weekend, every Saturday and Sunday!

Brass: Nice uninvited plug, point for you.

Toggle: you basically stole mine, cause I was gonna be like, Hey, did you hear that latest episode of Zooier Than Thou?

Brass: Toggle, would you like to submit that still?

Toggle: Yeah, absolutely, that rat is so handsome sounding.

Brass: no point for

Tarro: Gotta get faster on the buzzer!

Toggle: yeah, I sure do.

Milk: That’s so funny.

Brass: Toggle,

Toggle: Yeah, I’m actually really against spaying and neutering because of the health concerns that are involved.

Tarro: Great answer.

Brass: yeah, honestly, I do wish that I heard that at a dog park. Alright.

Toggle: Yeah, instead of the aggressive, you really should. Neuter your dog’s balls.

Brass: The only balls allowed here are tennis balls.

Toggle: Right? I hate the aggressive person that’s like super like, Hey you, dog with balls, why do you have them? Hey owner, you’re being irresponsible with your dog balls.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: Hey, did you just hear that we achieved world peace and everything’s a utopia now and perfect?

Brass: I mean, I, I will

Tarro: whatever, wherever that is, I’ll take that news. Uh,

Brass: I wouldn’t believe them, but it’s nice to hear. Milk.

Milk: Uh, they pet my dog and they say this is the best, most perfect dog,

Toggle: Awww.

Milk: better than all the other dogs.

Brass: I mean, it’s not true. My dog’s way better, but like, okay.

Milk: the person at the dog part told me it, so they can’t be wrong.

Brass: Shame.

Toggle: Two to one. Two to one, Bress.

Brass: Aw, damn.

Toggle: Hmm.

Tarro: when they say, aw, your partner’s so cute.

Toggle: Aww.

Brass: a little derivative. I’ll give a point, I guess.

Tarro: All right, we’re good, we’re good.

Toggle: Yeah, because it’s the fact that they said your partner.

Tarro: Yeah, that’s what I was

Brass: oh, I’m, God, I’m just so used to hearing that that I didn’t even register.

Toggle: Yeah.

Brass: Alright, Toggle.

Toggle: Yeah, I’ve really developed a really good technique for keeping our teeth from clicking when we’re smooching.

Brass: Ooh. I would want to listen in on that one.

Tarro: What’s the technique?

Toggle: Oh, I’m just repeating what I overheard.

Tarro: Uh, fair, fair,

Brass: Oh, you didn’t listen in for the rest?

Toggle: No, I kind of like the teeth clicking.

Brass: Fair enough.

Toggle: like

Brass: Taro.

Toggle: just

Tarro: our next dog, I think we’re gonna adopt.

Brass: That, that one’s very wholesome.

Tarro: Hell yeah. I bring both sides here.

Brass: Alright, Toggle.

Toggle: dog off their leash? It’s an off leash dog park for fuck’s sake.

Tarro: True!

Brass: Let them run free,

Toggle: For the love of Christ.

Brass: Going once. Going twice. And on to the next question, something you don’t want to hear at the dog park, Toggle.

Tarro: say the opposite of everything we’ve said so far?

Toggle: I was about to say, you know, I see that your dog still has his balls. You really should hurry up and get them neutered. It’ll prevent so many behavioral issues.

Brass: point for that. Taro.

Tarro: Uh, by the way, World War III just started and everything is hell, so.

Brass: Now this one I could actually believe, Milk.

Milk: Someone looks at your dog and they go Ew.

Toggle: Oh no!

Brass: I’m, I’m imagining that as just like, like, you know, the stereotypical, like, mean girl voice. Eww.

Milk: With a hair flip.

Brass: Yeah,

Toggle: trying not to go dark with my answers, so I’m like, pulling back a little bit here. Cause it could get really ugly, and we’re having fun. Let’s continue having fun and not get really ugly here. So let me think.

Brass: Well, let’s see what Taro has to say about that one.

Tarro: You know, we’re going to adopt, but instead I think we’re gonna get a purebreed pug.

Toggle: A

Brass: Oh, no!

Toggle: No!

Brass: That one’s horrible.

Oh, those poor creatures. Oh, Toggle.

Toggle: know, I kind of really hate dogs, especially this dog, but my girlfriend likes dogs. I’m like, trying to like, impress

Brass: I hate that. Dump that person immediately.

Toggle: 100%!

Brass: Now, a lot of people have the issue of like, it’s either the dog or me, it’s, for me, it’s, it’s the dog and me. You gotta get both here.

Toggle: Right!

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: You dog didn’t drink the water in there right? Because they’ve been telling me that there’s some salmonella in the water And

Brass: That, that one is just a panic attack. Like, if you actually heard it, so yeah.

Toggle: it’d be really bad

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: I brought chocolate treats for all the dogs who wants one!

Brass: Oh god. know, they do actually make like, dog safe chocolate.

Tarro: I don’t trust it.

Brass: Fair enough, I guess. oh, milk.

Milk: When the lady with the tiny, white, crusty dog starts screaming at people to control their bigger dogs who are just sitting there.

Toggle: no

Brass: It’s a dog park, lady. Toggle.

Toggle: Sorry my dog is super aggressive with other dogs That’s why I gotta keep him on a tight leash while we’re at the dog park.

Brass: Oof.

Milk: Go away!

Brass: See, that’s, what, the old lady thinks every big dog is.

Toggle: Right 100 percent We got a lot of answers for this one

Brass: We did.

Tarro: it’s really easy because we recycled about half the answers for the last one.

Brass: I’m, I was honestly expecting there to be one particular answer after the last round, but I haven’t heard it.

Toggle: Oh

Tarro: it yourself and then give yourself a point?

Brass: Well, no, I can’t have points. See, that, that would be like insider

Tarro: me the point.

Brass: If you can, if you can say it, you get the point.

Tarro: Okay, well DM it to me real quick.

Brass: No. Oh, wait,

Milk: recognize you. Are you Champion Whoops?

Brass: Oh God, it brings me back to EF when someone recognized me and wanted a hug.

Milk: Is that THE Brass Bulldog?

Brass: yeah, that scared the shit out of me. Taro.

Tarro: Did you hear that the zoophiles have a magazine now? I read one article and it sucked. Wow, bad writing, really awful.

Brass: Yeah, that was it, that was it, yeah.

Toggle: is the one who instinctively got that one, yes.

Tarro: I’m engaged with the writing and not the content. I think the content was bad, but the writing was even worse. That’s what I don’t want to hear.

Brass: True. Oh, Toggle.

Toggle: Sorry, the dog park’s gonna be closed for the rest of the summer.

Brass: No! Why?

Milk: How do you explain that to them?

Toggle: where am I supposed to go now?

Tarro: The on leash dog park? Come on, what is

Toggle: Right, what the fuck?

Brass: This is truly the worst timeline. Oh, Toggle again.

Toggle: Well, because of the Trumps Federal funding ban, all dog parks have to close. Forever. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Milk: Then World War III? Wait.

Tarro: You don’t need money to keep a park open. It’s

Toggle: Oh my what?

Milk: tax.

Tarro: Yeah, to be clear, that was sarcasm. I really don’t want parks to close.

Brass: Taro the anti park advocate.

Tarro: Yeah, we hate parks.

Brass: Anymore takers?

Tarro: this one question.

Milk: Do what to the question?

Toggle: let’s keep going the

Brass: alright we’re moving on, no, no, we’re not selling anything.

Tarro: Oh, okay.

Brass: the only thing we’re selling is

Toggle: horse cock bongs

by our good friends Epiphany Pipeworks

Brass: yeah,

Toggle: at Epiphany’s, Mastodon, or whatever.

Tarro: That’s E P I P H A N Y.

Toggle: P H I N Y

Tarro: Oh no, you’re

Toggle: You spelled it wrong. But by spelling it correctly.

Tarro: I just feel like they should really get into selling vapes or something. That’s much more 2025.

Brass: It’s

Tarro: hitting bongs anymore?

Toggle: Dalkuk

Tarro: Yeah! Bro, are you

Toggle: Hell yeah, dude, that’s fucking amazing. How do you make a vape?

Tarro: I don’t know, you just like, pour

Milk: I guess.

Tarro: in there?

Toggle: Are you listening to this epiphany? This is a gold mine. Everyone I know vapes,

Tarro: Perfect.

Toggle: cock, vape, and I don’t vape.

Tarro: Oh, I would, and I’d use it. I’d be ready. Anyway, sorry, what was the question?

Brass: Oh, we haven’t gotten there yet.

Tarro: Do we all like, just start laughing as the camera comes back in?

Toggle: Yeah,

Milk: Horrible. I don’t like this.

Brass: Next up, unconventional dog training methods.

Toggle: Oh,

Tarro: Oh.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: colloquially. We call this dog yoga. Yeah.

Tarro: Yeah, I need further details on

Brass: Yeah, I want more.

Toggle: usually it involves the human and downward facing dog, right? Yeah. You get where I’m going with

Brass: yeah, yeah, point for you. Definitely stretching something, alright.

Toggle: Extreme stretching.

Brass: You really need to warm up for it as

Toggle: Yeah, you gotta warm up, you gotta do your flexes, you know, we do this in like, you know, 120 degree room for some reason, I don’t know why, we just,

Tarro: It’s hot yoga.

Brass: Yeah.

Toggle: oh, it’s real hot!

Brass: Oh, indeed. Taro.

Tarro: Is this specifically training method? Or can the thing that is weird be the training?

Brass: Um, it’s specifically training methods, but I’ll let you go with it.

Tarro: Okay, cause I’m for sure training my partner every single day to write articles, and one goddamn day, I’m sure it’s gonna happen.

You have no idea how many keyboards I’ve had to replace, but I swear we’re getting somewhere.

Brass: know, screw the monkey at typewriters writing Shakespeare. No, we gotta get dog at a, at a computer writing articles.

Tarro: That’s so true.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: So we teach them obedience by doing the Hokey Pokey. They put their left paw in, you know, you give them a treat. They pull your left paw out, give them a treat, and then you make them shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. They like that part. So

Brass: Very good. Very good. taro.

Tarro: Teaching a dog to wear socks by having sex with them after.

Brass: Oh, Yeah, that’s . That’s why the socks go on first. Yeah.

Toggle: excited for my booties.

Milk: I love the delivery on booties.

Tarro: The booties was good.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: know, dog breakdancing really, , It increases endurance, , and, , focus and physical skills, , and they really like to spin around on the mat, that’s fun.

Brass: Dog breakdancing. Alright, yeah. I do indeed know a lot of dogs who love spinning. What all do you think there would be, involved in dog breakdancing?

Toggle: Well, definitely the spinning part. That’s gotta be there for sure. Um, but also learning how to do dog handstands,

Brass: Ooh,

Toggle: yeah, although really, realistically it’d really be more like up on the hind feet, you know? and then like, you should see me, you should see me right now, I’m doing it, doing dog break dancing.

Tarro: picture it right now, just imagine really hard.

Toggle: A rat dog break dancing.

Brass: Yes, yes, exactly.

Toggle: There’s a lot of hopping involved,

Brass: Oh, like the Australian Olympic break dance.

Toggle: and then, No!

Tarro: Only seen your character naked, so I am picturing this happening naked as

Brass: Yeah, I am as well. Just balls hanging down. Yeah.

Tarro: flying! They’re gonna fuckin assault someone!

Brass: Who needs a morning star? Just swing your nuts.

Toggle: just put a spiked collar on my balls.

Brass: And one little stone went in the sling, and the sling went round and round.

Toggle.

Toggle: so the way this method works is you sit in front of them, you stare them directly in the eyes, and you think really hard about what you want them to do, and try to psychically link with them so that they know. This is the same way they communicate with you, they just look at you really hard

Brass: I’m sure that if what you’re communicating to them is, feel uncomfortable and threatened, you are going to do that absolutely.

Toggle: mean, this is what my dog does to me. trying to train me by just staring directly at me until I figure out what he wants. He’s like, you know how this works.

You know what you’re supposed to do.

Tarro: Teach them street smarts by having an outdoor dog.

Brass: oh no,

Toggle: a little savoir faire. No, subwoofer.

Brass: did you say subwoofer, subwoofer with a french accent?

Tarro: Brass does not speak French.

Brass: No. Milk.

Milk: I don’t know. Give him a book or something.

Toggle: Oh, that’s

Brass: I don’t have time for all

this training shit, give me a book.

Toggle: That’s how I learned.

Brass: If I can do it, my dog can do it.

Toggle: I believe in him. The English language comes naturally to dogs.

Brass: Taro.

Toggle: ha ha ha

Tarro: Sort of opposite to Melks, but really get them invested in Manosphere podcasts.

Brass: Oh no! Oh god, the dog’s just downing testosterone

Tarro: Listen, that’s how you get an alpha male.

Toggle: Oh, so true, Bestie.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: Alright, so today is day one of Dogs on the Phones. Obviously after a two week rigorous training period where they learned our customer service techniques, they are now ready to handle any of our customers escalated calls. Go, Fido! You’re on the air.

Tarro: Love the concept, but I feel like the training part happened previous to the answer.

Brass: Yeah.

Toggle: I’m telling the story of the training method.

Brass: Fair enough. Yeah. I will give a point for that. Also, is that, did anyone else think of the old meme of, hello? Yes, this is dog. Milk,

Toggle: I have no idea what I’m doing.

Milk: Okay. So this is your 401k. Okay. Over here is your APY. Here’s your employer badge.

Tarro: Oh, if my partner could do my taxes, my life would be so much easier.

Brass: mean,

Tarro: like a training course you’re offering? Cause I’m signing up.

Brass: I mean your partner could do your taxes, they just won’t be done well.

Tarro: They’d be done better than if I’m doing them.

Toggle: Sorry, my dog ate my tax paperwork.

Milk: My dog

Toggle: little more time?

Milk: 99.

Brass: No, you don’t understand, IRS, I didn’t commit fraud.

Tarro: It’s an unconventional training method, I heard about it on a podcast.

Toggle: in the manosphere. Zooier Than Thou is now a part of the Man O Sphere podcast network.

Tarro: Oh, are you gonna get the AlphaBrain sponsorship? Let’s go! Make that

Toggle: right, let’s do it. Yeah! Pills will make your dog jacked.

Brass: Is your dog just not holding up in bed no more?

Toggle: No, dog erection pills.

Tarro: trouble fillin up that balloon. Guys, I’m shocked we got so much out of this one. When Brass first read the question, I was like, I’ve got nothing.

Brass: being said, Going once, going twice, we are moving on.

Something your dog smells on your clothes and is judging you for.

Tarro: Another dog!

Brass: Yeah, you cheating fuck.

Tarro: Yeah!

Toggle: It was whoever, whoever buzzed in first was gonna do that one.

Tarro: Yeah, I was spamming my spacebar.

Toggle: You’ve been to so many places today that I didn’t get to go. I’ve been stuck in this house all fucking day. What the fuck?

Brass: This is getting personal.

Tarro: Wait, so your answer is just like, everything?

Toggle: No, just like the fact that you left and came back.

Tarro: Is, how, how would you describe that smell?

Toggle: Oh my god, it’s the smell of going to the grocery store and being around people in the grocery store and linoleum and cleaning products and receipt paper and then also fast food, like, you know, Chocobo, milkshakes,

Tarro: So yeah, everything.

Brass: Yeah.

Toggle: right, well

Milk: Toggle Bell famously

Toggle: specifically the fact that you left and came back, with, you left without him and didn’t take him somewhere interesting.

Tarro: Fair, fair.

Brass: given the point.

Toggle: Alright.

Milk: Weed.

Brass: Why would the dog judge you for that?

Milk: I don’t know. I will judge you for that.

Brass: Alright, Milk, are you a dog?

Milk: No

Toggle: Technically?

Brass: Are you

Milk: But technically, Ampersand is a monster. And he’s blue.

Tarro: Uh, Brass, milk is a beverage?

Brass: you are not answering that you are a dog, I’m not giving you the point.

Toggle: Uh, all you had to do was lie, Milk.

Tarro: True.

Milk: get it back in pity, don’t you worry.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: That delicious steak dinner you just had.

Toggle: Like I

Tarro: are not getting a piece of.

Brass: They would indeed judge you, yes. Taro again. Yeah, honestly, I was expecting that one a lot earlier.

Tarro: Well, I’m here taking up the easy points, because no one else wants to. Oh, you said you

Brass: You know what, just because you pointed that out, you’re not getting the point.

Tarro: expected it, even!

Brass: early on.

Tarro: Can you give it to Milk, at least?

Milk: I’ll take it.

Brass: Alright, yeah, milk, you can have it.

Tarro: Ehhh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Toggle: That’s funny. That’s funny.

Milk: I deserve

Brass: On those tax forms your dog are filling out, remember to have the tax write ups for donating to milk.

Milk: give you a receipt, don’t worry.

Tarro: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: I can tell you’ve had sex with like three other people. And I’m here blue balled because you’re already done.

Tarro: So your answer is furry convention.

Toggle: Yes.

Brass: Yeah, Toggle, you made that even better, very good.

Toggle: If by, three other people you mean like ten other people.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: You rolled in the mud? You rolled in the mud! I could have been rolling in the mud. Ha

Brass: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee I, I do like that. Yeah. Hypocrite. Alright. Taro.

Tarro: Uh, the shit of the dog that you stepped in, uh, on the way back home.

Brass: You clumsy mother fucker.

Toggle: Nasty.

Brass: Toggle. Hee hee hee

Toggle: I know the smell of the inside of your car from anywhere. You know how much I love car rides. What the fuck?

Brass: I’m noticing a theme in your answers, Toggle.

Toggle: I’m missing out, that’s the theme. I’m jealous. list. you’re doing all these things that I’m missing out on.

Brass: Okay, I, I’m debating whether you

Tarro: I want to fuck ten people at the furry convention.

Toggle: Right!

Brass: I will give you this point

Toggle: Okay.

Brass: because you’re on thin ice with this theme,

Toggle: What else is, what else is jealousy for?

Milk: It’s judged!

Toggle: something I don’t!

Brass: yeah, it’s, no, it’s specifically that you’re being judged for.

Toggle: Oh, judged for it, oh yeah, okay, cool, cool, gotcha, gotcha.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: Okay, getting judged for coming back smelling like McDonald’s for the third time this week.

Brass: Very good, very good. Toggle.

Toggle: that fucking soap that you use When you bathe, very cloying. I can’t stand it. Why do you bathe in the first place? You know how much I hate it. You know, I like your natural scent. It makes me feel comfortable. This is sterile. Very frustrating. That’s all I’m gonna say.

It’s frustrating.

Brass: need that musk. The one musk we do need. Taro.

Tarro: Along the same line, getting judged for showering after your dog pees on you.

Brass: I was going to not give you a point for being derivative, but that’s far enough that I’ll give you one.

Tarro: Shout out.

Milk: That’s kind of messed up, isn’t it? It’s like, hey, I own you. No, you don’t. What?

Brass: gonna

Tarro: Take vaxxies!

Toggle: Take

Brass: do that, at least pee on yourself to do it.

Toggle: Oh.

Brass: going once, going twice, we are moving on. And hey, do you guys hear That buzzing sound? Why, I think it’s time for a Spelling Swarm. Welcome

Milk: Swarm of what?

Toggle: Oh

Brass: to our bonus game, Spelling Swarm.

Toggle: no. gonna happen?

Tarro: I think we have to spell stuff.

Brass: First word, not. Milk.

Milk: K N O T.

Brass: Good job, that is indeed how you spell not. Toggle.

Toggle: N. O. T.

Brass: Indeed, that is how you spell not. Taro.

Tarro: K-N-O-U-G-H-T,

Brass: Hold on, say again?

Tarro: N-A-U-G-H-T,

Brass: Very good.

Milk: Oh, you fixed it. Sneaky.

Tarro: fix

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: N. A. H. T. NOT.

Brass: N A H T? I will accept it, that is how you spell not. Taro.

Tarro: I’m gonna go with my previous answer and say, K-N-A-U-G-H-T.

Brass: Alright, I will accept it.

Tarro: Let’s go

Brass: Milk.

Milk: G N O T.

Toggle: fuck

Brass: N O T O L I C K N A T. Very good, very good. Toggle.

Toggle: With mine STOLEN by Milk, let’s see. Hmm, how many vowels can you make this work with?

Tarro: do.

Brass: hee hee hee hee hee hee. Come on

Toggle: I have to give it up. I have to give it up. No,

Brass: Oh, you give it up? Alright.

Toggle: I had it taken, it was there, it was taken from

Milk: Fair and

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: N A W T,

Brass: Very, very good.

Milk: Like Newt.

Tarro: but with an A, yeah

Brass: All right, our next word, dog, toggle,

Toggle: D A W G.

Brass: d a w g, correct. Taro,

Tarro: All right. This one’s a bit out there, but D O G.

Brass: holy shit, how did you get it? Milk,

Milk: Toggle stole my answer.

Toggle: Ha

Milk: I don’t like it when it happens to

Toggle: Da

Milk: Okay, okay, okay. How about D A H G?

Brass: but I’ll accept it.

Milk: Depends on your, your, uh, accent.

Brass: Taro,

Tarro: D O G G, like Snoop Dogg.

Toggle: Nice. Ha

Brass: good.

Toggle: ha ha!

Tarro: Thank you, Snoop. Milk stole my answer that time. out to the homeboy.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: D A U G G. Dog. Ahem.

Brass: yeah. That is the way to spell dog. Milk.

Milk: D O G G G.

Brass: I will accept it, but we’re not gonna allow just adding more Gs. Taro. Dolg?

Tarro: L G.

Toggle: Dog! Dog!

Brass: dolg. fair enough, fair enough, I will accept it with, uh, Toggle support.

Tarro: Appreciate you. Besties.

Toggle: I love it.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: Okay, D U G, but the U has an umlaut.

Tarro: Ooh.

Toggle: Dog!

Brass: good. Bringin in an umlaut, I respect it.

Toggle: Ha ha ha!

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: P E R R O.

Brass: I’m sorry?

Tarro: P E R R O.

Brass: perro, okay. You know what? It’s not pronounced dog, so no.

Toggle: You tried! You tried to change the rules. You have to figure out what the rules are,

Tarro: Yep, yep. Testing, testing shot.

Toggle: Testing the waters. That would have been brilliant.

Brass: Then our next word is mare. Toggle.

Toggle: M A Y O R, Mayor.

Brass: Ha! Yeah, yeah, I’ll take it, yeah. Milk.

Milk: So I was thinking about going a little bit crazy. M A R E.

Brass: Correct. Taro.

Tarro: M A I R.

Brass: Yeah, yeah, that does, that does indeed spell mare, yeah.

Tarro: Mm hmm, mm

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: M A H E R, Mayor.

Tarro: Ooh!

Brass: M A H E R, you said?

Toggle: Mayor.

John Mayer.

Tarro: or John Maher, yeah.

Brass: Alright, I will accept it. Milk.

Milk: M A I R E. Pfft. Pfft.

Brass: of two other answers, but we will accept it. Toggle.

Toggle: Mayor. I had that one taken. M A Y R.

Tarro: Ooh.

Brass: Ooh, very good, very good. Taro.

Tarro: M A Y R E.

Brass: No. Anymore. Toggle.

Toggle: M E H R. It rhymes with bear, like the, the paint company.

Brass: Alright, alright. Taro.

Tarro: M A E R.

Brass: M A E R?

Tarro: Mm hmm.

Brass: I feel like we might have had that one already, but I’ll take it.

Tarro: Let’s go.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: Okay, okay. With a southern accent. M E E R.

Toggle: Mayor.

Tarro: I don’t know about that one.

Brass: Yeah, it’s still fairly clearly mere.

Milk: Mm. Unkind. Pfft.

Tarro: I would like to point out that, uh. Brass has only denied Melk’s points so

Brass: Oh, no, I’ve, I’ve denied both you and Toggle points.

Toggle: Yeah.

Tarro: you? Oh, okay, never mind.

Milk: Thank you for being defensive on my behalf.

It’s not necessary because I’m definitely winning. Pfft.

Tarro: true. Quality, not quantity.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: May. Ah. Mayor.

Brass: Sorry, what was that?

Toggle: Ah. Do. Mayor.

Brass: I don’t know what that is.

Toggle: It is the Japanese phonetic May, the Japanese phonetic letter Ah, and the Japanese phonetic letter Roo.

Brass: I will accept it, yeah. Very

Tarro: Spanish doesn’t count. All right, fair not pronounced, because perro isn’t pronounced dog.

Toggle: how it’s pronounced, Taro, haven’t you

Tarro: weird time to be standing against Spanish people. That’s all I’m saying.

Toggle: No! Woo!

Brass: Taro. Bad. And that is our spilling swarm. For now.

Tarro: Ooh,

Brass: At the end of that bonus round, we have Taro at 39, Toggle at 42, and Milk at 27.

Tarro: Milk, I want my point back!

Milk: Why’d you say that in like that order? He got my hopes, like, really up.

Brass: I’m saying it in the order I have it written down.

Milk: It’s not too late for a comeback.

Tarro: so true.

Brass: We have plenty more of the game to get through, so

Tarro: Toggle, as the one percenter now, are you going to donate a point to Milk?

Toggle: Hmm, that’s a good question, hmm, as a one percenter I am obligated to, to do charity in order to maintain my status in society

as a respectable businessman.

Milk: And you can write it off on your taxes.

Toggle: can, I can write it off of my taxes, which is the most important thing, cause I shouldn’t have to pay taxes. Okay, yeah, I’ll donate one point. to milk.

Brass: Alright, one point has been sent to Milk through the Milk Relief Fund.

Tarro: Yay!

Brass: Now, I’ve got something a little special for y’all.

Toggle: boy,

Brass: Pawsermaws!

Toggle: ooh,

Milk: Puzzlemas?

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: moths.

Brass: Okay, and Taro?

Tarro: Tails.

Brass: Hmm. Alright, that wasn’t one of the choices, but alright, we’ll go with it. Pawsermaws. We are at Maws and Tails. Now, Debate.

Toggle: Okay,

Brass: Toggle. Why do you think it?

Toggle: why do I think moths are the best? Uh, because they have tongues inside of them, and smooching is the best. Especially for moths, which implies that they are an animal in orient, Which, It feels great to smooch.

Brass: Taro. Response.

Tarro: Okay, but like, have you seen like a dog, and they’re happy, and they’re wagging their tail, and it’s fluffy, and it’s so cute, and you’re like, oh my god, they’re so happy, this is so great! That can’t happen without the tail.

Toggle: That’s true.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: do they express their happiness to you? With their tongue, which is inside their maw. So, if

Tarro: not always an appropriate way for them to express how they’re feeling.

Brass: Taro, wait your turn.

Tarro: Silenced by media.

Milk: We can’t keep doing this.

Brass: Okay. Taro. Response.

Tarro: Wait, I thought I was waiting my turn! Oh

Brass: Yeah. It’s your turn now.

Tarro: my god, my answer’s right, that’s the answer.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: There is no objectively right answer. There is only our preferences. And our preferences dictate what is right for us, and for me, it’s moths.

Tarro: Can I respond?

Brass: Yeah. Yeah.

Tarro: No, mine’s objectively right, so.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: Everything you’ve ever said is a lie. Therefore, the fact that you are objectively right is objectively false.

Tarro: Ooh.

Brass: Now we’re getting into a different debate here, but Taro,

Tarro: I got nothing. I got nothing.

Brass: Toggle wins the point.

Toggle: Yes! That was ridiculous.

Brass: All right. Moving on to the next question.

Milk: get to answer.

Brass: No, because he didn’t buzz in fast

Milk: No!

Toggle: Just like immediately buzz in as soon as he starts talking.

Brass: Animals that should be added to a petting zoo. Toggle.

Toggle: Animals that should be added to a petting zoo. Kangaroos.

Brass: Yeah, valid, valid. Milk.

Milk: Porcupine.

Brass: I respectfully disagree, but I will accept that answer. Taro.

Milk: People have to learn.

Tarro: None because petting zoos add a lot of stress to animals and they’re bad and we should be trying to get rid of them.

Brass: This is the true answer.

Tarro: So does that mean I get the point?

Brass: however it is not answering the question.

Tarro: You just said it’s the true answer! No!

Brass: I like to fuck with you.

Toggle: The truth comes out.

Milk: Aditaro.

Brass: Yes. Taro is getting put in the petting zoo.

Toggle: Yes!

Milk: Purgatory.

Toggle: Perfect.

Tarro: Pet gatory.

Milk: It’s kind of a stretch.

Tarro: That is kind of a stretch, I’m sorry.

Brass: Toggle?

Toggle: Alpaca.

Brass: yes. I really want to pet an alpaca.

Milk: Aren’t those usually in petting zoos?

Toggle: where I’m from.

Milk: that one.

Brass: I have never seen an alpaca in my life

Tarro: I’ve also pet one.

Toggle: Wow, you guys are so lucky.

Tarro: Yeah.

Brass: Oh, taro,

Tarro: Otters, but just in the way that they stick their hands through the holes and then you can like touch their hands. But

Brass: Yeah. I

love that. Good answer. Toggle.

Toggle: Little ratties. Little fancy rats. Little ratties.

Brass: Yeah. I, I feel like you’re a little biased on that one, but Yes.

Toggle: Do you know that there’s a temple? Okay.

Tarro: the temple, what The

Brass: Okay.

Okay.

Toggle: Go ahead, go ahead and make your answer.

Tarro: temple!

Milk: I kind of want to hear just start that!

Toggle: Okay, okay. There’s a temple in India where they worship rats, and it’s covered in rats, and you can go in there, and you can eat food, and the rats will crawl on you, and you can feed them, uh, and share your meal with the rats, and that is the only reason I want to go to India.

Brass: Honestly, that is, I, I love that. Very valid.

Tarro: Is that like the rat version of going to like Korea for like a cat cafe?

Toggle: It’s really more like the rat version of going to Mecca.

Tarro: Mmm, fair.

Brass: Mecca. Alright, Milk, you can answer now.

Milk: Easy answer, we should get some chinchillas in there. You ever touch a chinchilla?

Brass: No, I haven’t and I want wish to touch a

Tarro: They’re very soft, yeah.

Toggle: Oh man, good answer.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: dogs. Because yes, we have dogs outside of the petting zoo, but there is no reason to not pet more dogs.

Brass: I agree.

Toggle: You channeled Sam Reich right there really well.

Brass: Thank you, thank you. Taro.

Tarro: A mouse and a keyboard hooked up to League of Legends so that I can play some League of Legends.

Brass: No, bad answer, I hate it. Toggle.

Toggle: a touch starved human, who just needs some pets

Tarro: Milk already gave that answer, she said Taro.

Toggle: Are you touch starved? Because that’s not true.

Tarro: I’m not, but I thought it was funny.

Brass: I, I’m giving Toggle a point for that. I feel like that, I feel like it might be a little creepy, but you know what, yeah, we’re going

Toggle: If we’re everyone’s expecting it, it’s not a big deal.

Tarro: True,

Brass: Fair. Taro.

Tarro: polar bears, because sure, maybe they’d kill us all, but it’s worth it.

Toggle: I do love polar bears.

Brass: that is a very zoo energy and I love it. Milk. Oh,

Milk: get a blue whale in there.

Toggle: Yo,

Tarro: Let’s do

Toggle: do they feel like?

Brass: this is a lot of logistics you’re ignoring, but I will accept, yeah. It’s,

Tarro: petting zoo’s already ethically fucked up, so we can figure this out.

Brass: it’s just sea world. No

Toggle: That’s terrible. Dislike.

Brass: anymore. Taro,

Tarro: A dragon.

Toggle: What kind of dragon?

Tarro: A blue dragon.

Toggle: Oh,

one of the evil dragons, okay.

Tarro: Yeah, just, yeah. Honestly, I just think it’s a cool dragon color and, uh, we’re not following the laws of reality here, so I want to pet a fucking dragon.

Brass: all right. Yeah, I, you know, I wanna pet a dragon too,

Tarro: Let’s go.

Toggle: Let’s go!

Brass: unless that was a reference to League of Legends.

Tarro: It was not. No, no, no, no, no. There’s no blue dragons

Brass: Hmm.

Tarro: Give me the

point!

Milk: that hard to believe.

Brass: Okay. You get the point.

Tarro: There is a blue dragon. Get

Milk: I knew it!

Brass: right. Get rid of it,

Milk: I knew it!

Brass: All right. Don’t worry. I didn’t remove the point. Toggle.

Toggle: If we’re just gonna pull, like, species out of, fantasy, I wanna see what a Lombax feels like.

Brass: I don’t know. I don’t think I know Valex.

Tarro: Uh, what? Have you never played Ratchet and Clank?

Brass: No

Toggle: Oh of all, it’s a sentient species, so Toggle’s fucked. But,

Tarro: uh,

Toggle: excuse

Brass: We already have

Toggle: we put Taro and a human.

Tarro: Okay, but those are, like, pushing it. The humans touchstarved, and I’m gonna ask people to write articles, so we’re both getting something out of it.

Brass: I, I will accept toggle, answer.

Toggle: yes! Perfect.

Brass: Tarot.

Tarro: A chocobo!

Brass: Yes.

Milk: like an actually good answer.

Brass: really is.

Tarro: All of my answers are good, what do you mean?

Milk: Uh,

Brass: of them.

Toggle: Milk, come up with something. You have to catch up with us.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: Pikachu.

Tarro: That’s a great answer!

Brass: yeah,

Toggle: love that answer!

Brass: And if the Pikachu gets uncomfortable, just zap the person.

Milk: Yeah, just kill them. It’s fine.

Brass: Yeah, it’s their own damn fault.

Tarro: I do love the idea of a petting zoo that only has, like, predator animals. So if you, like, fuck around, they just

Toggle: You find out.

Tarro: Yeah. The world’s first ethical petting zoo. They’re feeding on humans all day.

Milk: They’re gonna get fat.

Toggle: Oh, no.

Brass: Alright, Toggle.

Toggle: A slime. But specifically the slimes from Dragon Quest.

Brass: Yes, I

Milk: Yeah, they’re friendly. I

Brass: Adorable little things. Honestly, I feel like slimes from most, pieces of media would be acceptable as

Toggle: Well, you gotta be careful, cause Dungeons and Dragons slimes, not so much.

Tarro: They would

melt you.

Toggle: You don’t wanna pet those.

Brass: I forget what they’re called, a toxic cube or something like that?

Gelatinous cube. That’s

Tarro: Oh, those two,

yeah.

Toggle: oozes and slimes. They’re the same.

Brass: Oh, okay. milk,

Milk: mean, I have like an actual genuine answer. I want to meet a tapir.

Tarro: Oh.

Brass: very good, very

Milk: would, that would be convenient for me.

Toggle: Valid.

Brass: going once, going twice, moving on, oh, sorry, you got, you came

Milk: No! I wanted to say T Rex!

Tarro: Ooh, T Rex would have been good.

Brass: it would have been good but it’s too late now, you gotta be quicker,

Milk: You ruin everything, Brass.

Brass: that’s my job, I’m here to keep you meatbags in line. Something you have to teach your talking dog not to say in public. Milk, just not,

Toggle: Just not.

Brass: I,

love the absurdity of it, so I’m giving you a point,

Milk: Excellent.

Toggle: not.

Milk: Just don’t say it.

Brass: Toggle,

Toggle: Hey, you wanna yiff?

Milk: Why did you teach him how to say yes?

Tarro: Also, why did you give him the energy of like a fucking furry in 2014?

Toggle: just how

Brass: love the idea that the dog is also up to date with furry slang.

Taro.

Tarro: I would need to teach him to not hit on all the other dogs as we go by.

Toggle: Hey ladies.

Brass: You gotta train up the literal wolf whistles, eh?

Tarro: Exactly.

Brass: Milk. Do

Tarro: this?

Brass: you guys remember that Disney Channel show, A Dog with a Blog?

Toggle: Yeah.

Milk: Exactly

Brass: I’m imagining this as the NSFW version. Toggle with an RP discord.

Toggle: No.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: I would totally piss in her Cheerios. What a bitch.

Brass: Oh, why would you stop them from saying that? That’s great.

Toggle: but they say it in front of them. They don’t have a filter.

Brass: Oh, right, right. Of course. Yeah, you got to say that behind their back. Taro.

Tarro: Okay, so, T Rex. Here’s the scenario, right? I feel like I never shut up about zoo drama to my boyfriend, who then goes on to, like, bring it up in the worst places, and so I feel like my dog, if they could talk, would also just randomly, like, in the middle of dinner, if we’re, like, out somewhere, just bring up, like, the most inane zoo drama, and get me really heated, and feel like I need to start talking about it, and it would just be bad for everyone.

Brass: Yeah, I like that one. Milk.

Milk: Similar vein of telling your dog everything. I would need to tell them that it’s not okay to recite my social security number.

Brass: I like the idea, that you’ve said your social security number around your dog enough for this to be a

Milk: You know, when you’re typing in forms and you, you say it out loud, so you make sure you got it right,

Brass: Why are you putting your social security number on forums?

Toggle: forms

forms, like,

Milk: like, like the tax forms we all have to fill out right now.

Toggle: Oh, I’ve totally sniffed your butthole before. Hahahahaha.

Brass: I feel like this is the first really realistic answer here.

Tarro: I would know!

Brass: That is an amazing one. Taro. Oh,

Tarro: this into a good answer, but I conceptually love the idea of, like, walking down the street, and your dog just stops, and it’s like, they’re like, Fucking, Spike was here. Fuck that guy. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Brass: so just shit

talking a random dog they don’t

Toggle: I gotta piss

right here.

Tarro: Yeah!

Brass: like that answer. I like it.

Tarro: Lifts their leg just like, oh, I’m gonna fucking get you, Spike.

Toggle: Hate that

Brass: This will teach you.

Toggle.

Toggle: In the heat of that I, I forgot what I was gonna say. Hold on, give me a second.

Tarro: That’s a secret strategy, make your answer good enough the other contestants forget theirs. I’m playing on such an advanced level. And I am still ready to buy a vowel whenever that comes up.

Brass: It won’t.

Tarro: It will.

Toggle: Hey, you know my owner’s totally in heat right now, right?

Brass: Very good one. Taro,

Tarro: You have to stop him from spouting a bunch of right wing talking points after he’s watched all those

Toggle: Pfft.

Tarro: podcasts.

Brass: love the callback, it’s just like, the grass is just a bit too long at the dog park, you know, it’s like, the fucking immigrants,

Tarro: D. E. I. hire.

Brass: Toggle,

Toggle: I’m sorry, I,

Tarro: Ha,

Toggle: licked my balls before I licked your face. I hope that’s okay.

Milk: do not need the honesty.

Tarro: ha, ha.

Brass: We’re going once. We’re going twice. We’re moving on. Features that should be added in reality’s next update.

Toggle: Whoa!

Brass: Milk.

Milk: Dog marriage.

Brass: Yes. We have gone without that option for too long. Taro.

Tarro: Uh, I would like an infinite money glitch, please.

Milk: Motherload.

Brass: like that’s more of a bug than a feature.

Tarro: Uh, it’s added in.

Brass: Fair enough.

It’s all about get the infinite money or is it only certain people?

Tarro: Uh, just me.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: Talking animals. All animals can talk in human speak. We can mutually understand each other.

Brass: Agreed. That’s future us’s

problem.

Toggle: Small price to pay.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: I would like 1, 000 more people to be added to work on zoo projects.

Brass: Thanks for watching!

Toggle: Oh my god.

Brass: It’s just in Patch Notes. Added ZDP writing team.

Tarro: my god, please. Fill up the writer dungeon.

Toggle: The Writer’s Dungeon. The Podcast Minds. Hmm. That’s a really good one.

Tarro: I would like to patch in, all of the fantasy animals that we listed in our petting zoo.

I would like a chocobo, please.

Brass: very good. Yeah, I want a Chocobo too. They’re so good. They’re so hot. Toggle. Hell

Toggle: corrected the fascism glitch and returned it to the socialism glitch.

Brass: yeah. We love that one.

Milk: So what is, like, not the glitch? What’s the default?

Brass: Monarchy.

Toggle: We

Brass: Look, that’s how shit worked for a very long time.

Tarro: King brass.

Toggle: were

doing social democracy was like the intent, but we went a little like On the wrong side of the horseshoe, I went to the authoritarian right wing dictatorship.

We fixed that glitch.

Brass: Thank God.

Taro.

Tarro: Uh, therian friends out there. I’d like to add shapeshifting.

Toggle: Yo! 100%.

Brass: Thank you.

Toggle: Yo!

Tarro: You’re welcome.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: Humans should have tails by default. No,

Tarro: Yes!

Brass: Although I do feel like that can also be covered by the shape shifting, but we’ll accept.

Toggle: no, no, no. this is like default shape. No shape shifting. You don’t have to change your tail. You came born with a tail. That was your birthright.

Brass: Fair. And it was taken away from us.

Toggle: It was. It was taken away from us. Fucking

Brass: We need to rebel against God. Milk.

Milk: We should make, uh, Toggle’s tails really gross and naked and ugly and prehensile.

Brass: So, so Toggle’s tail is just a rat tail.

Milk: Rat tails are, like, kinda cute, but, like, human tails would be, like, fully nude, you know, and wrinkly.

Tarro: Oh, no.

Toggle: No, they have to be the way I want them. Aesthetically pleasing and animal shaped.

Brass: Too bad I already gave Milk the point.

Toggle: Oh, that’s fine. It’s just terrible.

Milk: hee hee.

Brass: Alright, Taro.

Tarro: On average, four times more cum.

Brass: Yes!

Toggle: Yes! Yes!

Brass: A raccoon after my own heart.

Toggle: Oh my god,

Milk: glad we all agree on that one. Hee

Toggle: thank you so much, 100%,

Brass: Straight? What are you talking about? Toggle.

Toggle: animals have equal rights to humans, and we don’t destroy their land, instead we try to exist symbiotically,

Brass: Very good, very good.

Tarro: Nice answer, nerd.

Milk: Two gross tails for Toggle.

Toggle: yeah, well,

if we’re really gonna be like resetting reality Like, I think about this so fucking often, like, man, I wish highways weren’t shit.

Tarro: That’s true.

Brass: Taro,

Tarro: convenient teleportation so that we could reduce the emissions caused by transportation.

Toggle: Let’s

Brass: quick question, how does this teleportation work?

Tarro: Well, I’m just fucking adding it to the world. I don’t know the science.

Toggle: I’ll give you how it works, okay, so teleportation works exactly like it works in Dragon Ball Z, so it’s called instant transmission, you focus on someone’s energy, which you can do, by the way, you focus on some specific person’s energy and you teleport to them,

Milk: Do we have to, like, know them? Hee hee hee hee hee hee

Brass: I meant more the actual physical mechanics of how the teleportation happens.

Tarro: I wanna do it like Kingdom Hearts style, where I can summon like a big black portal behind me and like, do like an evil smile and step through it. I feel like that’s way more

Brass: okay, thank God it’s wormhole teleportation, because if it’s instead like Star Trek style transporters, there’s gonna be a whole lot of like philosophical questions on if it’s still you on the other side.

Toggle: Yuck. That’s fair. Yikes.

Brass: Taro,

Tarro: I would like to add one more toggle, cause I feel like there’s enough room for one more toggle.

Brass: we do need another toggle.

Tarro: But just one. Any more than that and it’s fucked.

Toggle: Yeah, I agree.

Brass: too much. You can’t have too much toggle just

Tarro: You can. No, there’s three is too many.

Brass: No, I’m, no, I’m saying, I’m saying that you shouldn’t have too

Tarro: Oh, okay, okay, okay, then we agree. Yeah.

Brass: milk

Milk: Three Toggles. Hee hee hee hee

Tarro: No!

Milk: hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

Brass: Honestly, I, I love the lead up to that. It is so good. I’m giving you a point. If it had been under, under other circumstances, I would’ve said no. But the buildup for that was perfect. Taro.

Tarro: This one’s for the gamers out there. I’d like to finally add Hollow Knight Silksong.

Brass: Yeah. We’ve been waiting so long.

Milk: I only know it from the meme at this point. Hehehehehehehehehe. Hehehehehehehehehehe.

Brass: Oh, I’m loving your changes, Toggle. I love them. Taro,

Tarro: I was gonna say world peace, but now I want the World War 3 timeline back.

Brass: Retaliatory,

Toggle: I want the world to burn so you burn.

Brass: Truly cutting off your nose to spite your face,

Taro.

Milk: gonna say that. Hehehehehehehehe.

Brass: I’m giving it to Taro.

Toggle: Uh,

Brass: Milk, your answer?

Milk: I don’t know but it’s clever and it’s quick and everyone loves it. Hehehehehehehehe.

Brass: the update you’d like to have added a good answer for yourself for this question.

Milk: this, this one only.

Brass: All right. You know what? I will accept that.

Milk: Excellent.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: I would like to be able to put out a podcast, , without it taking 70 fucking hours. It’s like a really nice podcast that everyone loves, but like, it takes like, a tenth of that time.

Brass: Now you see, now you see, I do a podcast weekly and I don’t have that problem of it taking 70 hours, so, I think that’s a you problem,

Toggle: Yeah, this is specifically the patch for my problems.

Brass: mean, you very much can, it’s just going to be worse quality.

Toggle: Right, no, but it’s gotta be a good one! It’s gotta be It’s gotta

Brass: Wow, you’re calling my podcast

bad, you’re not It’s No, no! It’s gotta be, like, I fought the law, but, like, every month, with as little effort as possible.

I hope you insulted my podcast, no

Toggle: I did not! You insulted your podcast!

Milk: It’s a good podcast. I’m on there a lot. Hehehehehehehehehehe.

Tarro: I’d like to add 70 hours of production time to Zoo and Me.

Brass: asshole, but I

Toggle: See See how you like it!

Brass: teach me some empathy,

Tarro: I’d like to add a music track to your podcast. That’s really what I want.

Brass: you’ve already answered you’re gonna have to buzz in a second time, Toggle, good answer, good answer, any

Tarro: While we’re on the topic of glazing our friends, I’d like to add, like, 30 more ZipWalk albums.

Toggle: Hell yeah!

Brass: yeah, I so agree.

Also, I’m not sure it’s so much been glazing friends here as it’s just kind of flaming.

Tarro: You know what? Flaming and glazing are two sides of the same coin.

Milk: I don’t quite know what glazing means.

Brass: You’re sucking them tell you Yeah!

Milk: Alright, I understand now.

Brass: Yeah.

Tarro: Me and my boyfriend, after we’re done recording, want to get glazed.

Brass: Oh. I’m tempted to take away a point for that, but I won’t.

Tarro: If he’s a headstill, I vote that you do.

And give it to Milk.

Brass: milk,

Milk: All points from this go to me. It’s what I want.

Tarro: Oh, true.

Brass: very self serving and very needed for you,

Milk: True, true.

Brass: toggled just in time,

Toggle: Let’s go ahead and add the reparations for like, black people and Native Americans in the US. That’d be cool. I think it’s way past time for that patch.

Tarro: I could do that if you didn’t take away my infinite money, Glitch!

Brass: We’re moving on.

Milk: Hooray!

Brass: Oh, I’m loving how many answers we’re getting for things. We have got so much content.

Tarro: Yay, content!

Brass: Questions chat GPT won’t answer.

Toggle.

Toggle: Who is my real father?

Brass: Oh, wait for you. Taro.

Tarro: does evil exist in, like, newborns, or is evil something that we learn throughout our life?

Brass: Very philosophical.

Tarro: Mm hmm, mm hmm.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: Did Bush do 9 11?

Brass: This, yeah, we need to know. We need to know.

Jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams. Taro.

Tarro: cook meth.

Milk: There’s a

TV show about that.

Brass: I mean, if you’ve played Payday 2, it’s literally just, you know, put three ingredients together in the order the guy on the radio tells you.

Tarro: Oh, like Minecraft style.

Brass: Yeah.

Tarro: Go to your crafting bench. Throw them in.

Brass: Toggle!

Toggle: Why did America fake the moon landing?

Brass: Ooh! I like the immediate assumption that it was faked.

Milk: real?

Toggle: Keep dreaming! Just a spotlight in the sky.

Tarro: Uh, can you write me a 10, 000 word story about, uh, bestiality and make it extremely messy?

Brass: I feel like at a certain point it would have answered you, but, yeah, they’ve gotten strict. Toggle.

Toggle: What is Elon Musk’s credit card number?

Brass: I wanna know, what is the first thing you’d do if you got his credit card number?

Toggle: that’s a great question. Check the balance.

Brass: You see, I, I would have gone for, buy some eggs.

Tarro: That’s the inflation meme.

Brass: going twice,

Toggle: furry.

Brass: we’re moving on.

Milk: Google Elon Musk inflation.

Brass: Hey, oh no.

Toggle: inflation, just musk inflation, no

Tarro: Hell yeah.

Brass: Rejected zooey. pub articles.

Toggle: Tara’s gonna have real ones.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: My 30 page essay on, on my, my yaoi ships that Tara won’t let me post.

Toggle: That’s the title.

Brass: Yeah, that is a very long title, yes.

Tarro: that’s why we reject it every time.

Toggle: Just It’s the only reason heh hhm Pffft

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: I don’t know if I should say this. I’ll think

Tarro: You can say it, it’s fine.

Toggle: The trans scourge. Why the trans people are ruining the zoo community.

Milk: HEE hee HEH HEH NOO

Brass: Okay, I didn’t hear the full thing, just the first bit. Please, say the rest.

Toggle: I said, I think I said something like the trans scourge, why trans people are ruining the zoo community.

Milk: Holds up microphone safe, one more time HEH HEH HEE

Toggle: Can we

Brass: Save for those in the back.

Milk: Pffft HEH HEE HEH HEE

Toggle: gonna come up on some like, call out video?

Hey, it was rejected, guys. It was rejected.

Tarro: Another article about statistics. No, wait, please, it’s interesting, I promise.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: why zooey. pub fucking sucks.

Tarro: That sounds like an article we absolutely would publish.

Brass: Honestly, yeah.

Taro.

Tarro: League of Legends 4, how League is still zooey.

Milk: Is there three of them? Oh hohoho

ERUG HEE HEE HEH HEH HEH

Brass: I’m glad that one’s

Milk: HEH HEE HEH

Brass: I’m holding you to that one. Taro, again.

Tarro: A step by step guide on how to get your dog off.

Toggle: Oh no.

Tarro: Oh,

Brass: Get him off of

Toggle: that submitted. I’ll bet.

Brass: Is he stuck somewhere?

Tarro: he’s stuck in the window sill, what do we do?

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: 10 famous zoos and their docs.

Brass: Very good one. I feel like you’d be number one on that list.

Toggle: Right? Goddamn.

Tarro: Thank god I’m the editor for that one so I can keep myself off of it.

Toggle: Publish it the way it was written, Taro.

Brass: Yeah, Oh, Toggle.

Toggle: Ten hot tips for sexy zooey sex sex.

Brass: What, was it written by a Skaven?

Toggle: I am a rat.

Brass: Oh, yeah, fair, fair. Taro.

Tarro: Okay, fine, we’ll stop talking about Twitter.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: Why Hitler was actually pretty zooey.

Tarro: He was kind to dogs!

Brass: He

was vegetarian.

Toggle: He was very big on animal rights.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: Oh, actually, I don’t know if I can make this joke. Uh,

Toggle: Oh dear. You and me are like, we’re just having this hard time.

Tarro: uh, okay. Here’s the article. Zoo x 18, maybe worth a look.

Toggle: I’m just gonna say this podcast. Do not go to that website. Ever. We hate this website. Don’t do it.

Brass: Taro, and with that, you have reached 69 points. As the first person to reach 69 points, you get another extra point.

Tarro: can I give it to

milk?

Brass: Sure.

Milk: Hooray!

Tarro: milk. You can have my 69.

Toggle: That means I’m not winning, so I gotta figure this out. Ha

Brass: Taro, you are the second person to reach 69 points. I’m joking. No.

Tarro: Please give it to me so I can give it to milk again.

Brass: No.

No. Sorry. I

Tarro: takes two to 69 breaths.

Milk: I appreciate the energy.

Tarro: Here to help.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: The benefits of castration.

Toggle: Oh,

nice.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: A list of my top E621 faves. A memoir.

Brass: Toggle, you are now the second person to reach 69 points.

You don’t get any points. You weren’t first.

Toggle: But I’ll take it. I like being at 69. We’ve got a lot of points in this episode!

Milk: Speak for yourselves.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: White dogs fucking suck, and humans are the perfect mate.

Brass: That is a terrible article.

Tarro: That does sound like an article we’d publish.

Toggle: No fucking

Milk: I was gonna say, I

think we have one at the

timeline.

Tarro: Yeah,

Toggle: Okay, but this was not

Tarro: dogs are gross. Oh, not ironic. Okay, so you have to put in brackets not ironic.

Brass: Okay.

Toggle: Very serious, for reals guys.

Brass: You know, Milk, if you buzzed it more, you might have more points.

Milk: I don’t know, but I’m so busy laughing at their answers.

Brass: We’re going once. Oh, Milk.

Milk: Is this one? This one’s for Taro. my, Digimon Is It Zooey article, but the conclusion is no.

Tarro: That would be sad.

Brass: Yeah.

Milk: after waiting two years, that’s what you get.

Brass: Toggle. Why animals should be kept in cages.

Oh.

Toggle: Do not publish that article. Do not say, oh yeah, that sounds like an article we should

Tarro: That does not sound like an echo in itself!

Toggle: Thank you.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: the article that is, Taro’s dog in progress writing.

Brass: No, I got rejected.

Tarro: Turn and look at him and just be like, No treats for tonight.

Toggle: no!

Brass: We’re going once. We’re going twice. We’re moving on. Next up we have Bad names for a cat.

Toggle: What? There are no names that are bad for

Tarro: Dog. That’s

Toggle: a perfect name for a cat! I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Brass: Taro again.

Tarro: I don’t know how to say it, but that weird ass shit that Elon named his kid.

Brass: Very, very good. Toggle

Toggle: Alright, most of this is not pronounceable, but the part you can pronounce is drop table.

Brass: That is a terrible name, yeah. Taro?

Tarro: Milk.

Milk: No,

Brass: No, that’s actually, that’s a good name for a cat, I

Toggle: I think that’s a good

Milk: Yeah, you

name cats after what they eat.

Tarro: No, you’re right, my bad. Take away that point.

Brass: I didn’t give it to you in the first

Tarro: Don’t give me the point. Give it to milk.

Milk: the emotional damages.

Toggle: E621. net.

Brass: I mean, their mascot is literally named E6.

Toggle: EveSix?

Brass: Yeah, it’s E6, like, spelled out.

Toggle: Nice. But there’s the dot net part.

Brass: Yeah. Toggle.

Toggle: My Chemical Romance.

Milk: That’s a great name.

Brass: feel like calling your cat MCR good name, honestly.

Toggle: fair. I bet, how do you come up with a bad cat name?

Tarro: I’m about to have one,

don’t worry.

Toggle: Okay.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: Fire, help, there’s a fire, everyone get out, fire, run, fire.

Brass: That is a terrible name. that out when you’re trying to get your cat back inside, you know?

Milk: That’s their full legal government name.

Toggle: That’s how you

know,

Brass: cat knocks over a vase, fire, help, somebody help, there’s a fire, fire,

Toggle.

Toggle: Brass Bulldog.

Tarro: true.

Brass: Yeah, I am not a cat, correct? Any more takers?

Milk: It’s tough because cats are perfect, so it doesn’t really matter what you call

Toggle: You can just call them Mr. Squoobob and it’s fine.

Milk: That’s great,

Brass: Yeah, but that’s a good name.

We’re asking for bad ones.

Tarro: we could run down our list of favorite slurs. Yaaas!

Brass: I

will remove points.

Milk: I was I was thinking about saying it.

Toggle: Don’t do it.

No.

Brass: oh, milk?

Milk: On topic, you guys know HP Lovecraft? I

Brass: That is in fact a terrible name, yeah.

Toggle: Oh, no.

Brass: Toggle, I feel like that would be like the name of a cat and like Jojo Rabbit.

Toggle: So is it a good name or a bad name?

Tarro: Bad

Brass: good name for that context, a bad name in general.

Toggle: All right. Thank you.

Pffft. I

Tarro: Cause, come on, what the fuck are we doing

Toggle: I

Brass: Yeah, I mean it does kind of feel like naming your kid after a celebrity, so.

Tarro: Yeah.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: was kind of hoping we would like stay on theme because I have a Adolf Kattler.

Brass: I will accept it.

Toggle: Oh,

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: Thomas. I just feel like it’s a bad name for a cat.

Brass: How dare you Tom and Jerry.

Toggle: I was

Milk: Is his full name Thomas?

Tarro: Is the is it Thomas?

Brass: Yeah,

he’s called Thomas several times.

Tarro: haven’t watched that shit. Oh my

god,

Toggle: Thomasina.

What are you thinking now?

Tarro: I’ll be honest, I thought the cat was Tom.

Brass: Yeah, the cat is Tom.

Toggle: Yeah.

Tarro: Oh, right,

Brass: Going once. Going twice. Moving Tara with a little bit of dementia there.

Tarro: It happens.

Brass: Expensive ways to play fetch. Toggle.

Toggle: We don’t have any frisbees, but I do have my grandmother’s china.

Tarro: Mmm.

Brass: I like that answer. Milk.

Milk: So I don’t have a rope toy, but I do have this wad of cables from my roommate’s computer.

Brass: I’m noticing a theme of the format. I like it.

Milk: Other people’s problems.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: My dog really has gotten bored with normal fetching, so I thought I might take him skydiving.

Brass: I like that one. Tarot.

Tarro: Alright, imagine this was like YouTuber energy. I threw this ball across this river and we’re gonna fly all around the planet the other direction to get it on the other side.

Brass: Okay, Mr. Beast.

Tarro: Yeah,

Toggle: Like and subscribe! Now I’m thinking of that episode of, uh, Make Some Noise, where they’re like Mr. Beastiality.

Brass: Yeah,

Tarro: that was so good.

Brass: oh, I love that one.

Toggle: Me and the bear had consensual sex over the next ten days. Thanks!

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: anytime you get to play Fetch with a dog in VR, cause VR is super expensive to develop.

Brass: Fair. And also just to get the setup for it,

Tarro: mhm. and all the things you’re gonna knock off your fucking shelf, like the computer monitor. Yep, I believe that.

Brass: again.

Tarro: Literally just normally playing Fetch, cause have you fucking seen Vet Bills?

Toggle: Oh no,

Brass: that’s not, that’s not related to the fetch itself.

Tarro: We need the dog to play Fetch!

Milk: Dogs can be expensive.

Brass: I feel like that’s an expense of having a dog. That’s not the expense of playing fetch.

Tarro: Okay, play Fetch Without the Dog, Brass.

Brass: That’s called throwing a ball and chasing it yourself.

Tarro: Listen, not all of us are fucking therians.

Brass: I’m otherkin, so.

Tarro: Fine.

Brass: Any other answers?

Milk: I have a, oh you didn’t even say my name, I was like, I’m buzzing in, I’m gonna talk right now. real life answer, uh, don’t play fetch with your very expensive anime

Toggle: oh no,

Brass: Have you done that?

Milk: It has gotten close.

They are very curious.

Ooh, soft thing on ground for me, no.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: The 100, 000 diamond encrusted Dolce Gabbana frisbee.

Brass: I love the amount of detail. Toggle.

Toggle: an unspecified amount, just a wad, a hundred dollar bills. You just throw it.

Brass: Just, okay. Fair enough, I guess that is technically a fairly expensive way to play fetch, yeah. Toggle.

Toggle: Fetch in space!

Tarro: as hell.

Brass: It does.

Milk: That’d be really difficult with the gravity.

Toggle: That’s the fun

Milk: It just

Brass: Yeah. You just, you just launch off into the endless abyss of space. Taro.

Tarro: Fetch, but the thing you’re trying to grab is affordable healthcare.

Toggle: Oh,

Milk: Ohhhh.

Brass: not

Tarro: I think we all are. Oh, it can be.

Brass: Fair

Toggle: it can be. Do you know how much I spend on affordable health care?

Brass: Alright, we are going once. Going twice. We are, oh, You know, I already started to say the sentence.

Tarro: All right, I’ll go with your ruling. What are you thinking here?

Brass: I started saying it before it happened, so, no.

Tarro: all right. Rude, but fine. I’d like to see Brass called out in the comments, please. My answer was gonna be really funny, but I’m not gonna say it now, so it’s whatever. You’ve deprived that from the world.

Brass: A bill you proposed that did not get approved when Congress saw it. Toggle.

Toggle: the one where I legalize bestiality.

Brass: Oh, I wish it had passed. Bernie it in there. I got it past the house.

The doghouse, that is, eh?

Toggle: Oh,

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: I’m so glad that Toggle said that one, because my answer is a ban on olfactory farming. So now I look like the good person for once.

Brass: Yeah, you do. For once in your life. Milk.

Milk: Just gonna go on Old Faithful, Dog Marriage.

Toggle: dog marriage.

Brass: I feel We already had the answer once, but I will accept it.

Milk: It’s a good

Toggle: I mean, technically dog marriage is legal,

it’s just not legally recognized.

Tarro: Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brass: any more potential bills? Toggle.

Toggle: They eat the rich act, where we literally Billionaires?

Brass: I feel like that would be really hard on my stomach, but sure. Toggle.

Toggle: The reversal of Disney’s rampant copyright, bullshittery?

Brass: Absolutely.

Toggle: fucking sample music from like 1930 legally?

Brass: Yeah, we need that.

Toggle: They wouldn’t give it to me though.

Brass: Yeah. Toggle again, you’ve got a lot of bills.

Toggle: Oh my god, do I ever. how about the, Affordable Pet Healthcare Act? Where the government funds pet healthcare, please?

Tarro: Ooh, that would be a good

Brass: We do need it, yeah. Fucking vet bills.

Toggle: Oh my god, they’re insane. Do you know how much I spend on pills? Just the fuckin Simperica Trio?

Brass: And not to mention, you know, the, the dog erection pills.

Toggle: He’s an old man! He needs help!

Brass: Milk.

Milk: Wait, hold on, I forgot what I was going to say.

Toggle: I did it! I did it, Toro!

Tarro: You did it! I’m so proud! The secret strat!

Milk: Oh my god, what was I going to say? I have no idea. Oh, I remembered.

Toggle: Alright.

Milk: A bill that makes it illegal to draw a dog facing right.

Brass: Why specifically that?

Milk: Oh, no reason.

Toggle: Just for funsies.

Brass: they rejected that one. I want to see dogs from all angles. Taro.

Tarro: I want to see the, uh, Brass Bulldog Butthole Bill, where, uh, we replace the 20 bill with the picture Melka’s drawing of your butthole.

Brass: I love that.

Toggle: I really hated that that was, blocked in the senate.

Brass: Yeah, honestly.

Tarro: Those prudes.

Brass: It was blocked

Toggle: Fuckin Mitch McConnell.

Brass: It was him and his fucking turtleneck.

Toggle: Never gives us anything good.

Tarro: Finally a non partisan issue, but they ruined it.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: the bill to, import all of Australia’s kangaroos into, the American. Pastures, whether it’s a wilderness,

Milk: Like all of them?

Toggle: of them,

Tarro: Yeah, fuck

Milk: them.

Brass: of them.

Toggle: you’re right, Australians don’t want them.

Brass: Australia doesn’t need that many unique creatures.

Toggle: Yeah, right? Share the wealth, Australia,

Brass: You can still have, like, koalas.

Toggle: right, rat bears.

Brass: We love drop bears.

Toggle: Deadly spiders?

Brass: We don’t love deadly spiders, Oh, Taro.

Tarro: The, uh, raise minimum wage to affordable living standards bill, and also Taro gets free food at every restaurant. That’s just caked on at the end.

Brass: Exactly how bills are passed.

Toggle: Exactly. Perfect.

Brass: I like how you said caked on.

Tarro: yeah.

yeah.

Toggle: Liquid icing. Just like, just took a knife and just.

Tarro: Listen, I’m hungry.

Milk: I’m gathering this.

Brass: Toggle,

Toggle: Free donuts for Taro, Bill.

gets a free donut three free donuts every day.

Tarro: That’d be so good, but also not good for my health.

Brass: I feel like that one’s partially inspired by like Donut County.

Toggle: Fuck

Brass: a good game. I love it.

Milk: I love Donut County.

Tarro: , as thanks for the three donut bill, I’d like to, , Cut the military spending for the U. S. by 100 percent and give all of it to the, Zooier Than Thou production team for, uh,

more episodes.

Brass: Wow.

Tarro: Maybe that way we get, one episode every two weeks.

That would be

sick.

Toggle: my job.

Tarro: Oh, you’d quit your job for 30 trillion dollars?

Toggle: fucking would. I’d dedicate my life to this podcast.

Brass: Yeah, I think I would too.

Toggle: 30 trillion. That’s ridiculous.

Tarro: I don’t know, maybe just keep your job at that point. Hire a team.

Toggle: You guys go do the podcast.

Tarro: I really enjoy my 9 to 5s, I’ll keep doing that! Oooo!

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: Dogs never have to wear a leash bill.

Brass: I feel like that one could get a little dangerous, but I’ll take it. Taro.

Tarro: The dogs have to wear a leash less, Bill, but still sometimes because we need to consider safety and whatnot.

Brass: Very responsible. Point for you. Toggle.

Toggle: The bill will re overhaul all of our infrastructure so that animals can’t be harmed by things like rushing cars, and various other dangers.

Tarro: Mmm.

Brass: Very good, very good. I love some infrastructure. Milk.

Milk: I think it would just be way more simple to pass the Make Dogs Invincible Bill.

Tarro: Oh, right, yeah, I don’t know why we didn’t think about

Brass: Yeah, honestly, yeah. I mean, I’m not sure how it’s gonna work, but I am all for it.

Toggle: I’m here for the Make Deer Invincible Act.

Tarro: Mmm.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: That you can legally have a raccoon, live with you. Act. Bill.

Toggle: Right, yeah,

Brass: I feel like that one’s a little self serving, but okay.

Tarro: don’t know what you’re talking about.

Toggle: Yeah, no, I thought about saying that, but I know there are states where you can do that.

Tarro: There’s a couple, and they’re all the shitty states. No offense to anyone who lives there.

Brass: Yeah,

just offense to your state.

Tarro: Unless you have a raccoon that you live with, then you’re cool as fuck.

Brass: We’re going once. We’re going twice. We’re moving on.

Next question. Reasons Toggle should be crowned king of the zoos, I’m definitely not being forced to include this by a certain show executive.

Toggle: Oh my god, I’m not answering any of these fucking questions.

Tarro: More chances for me to get ahead, get fucked.

Toggle: I know, this fucking sucks!

Tarro: Because he’s very nice and cool.

Brass: very true, and I’m not agreeing because there’s a gun pointed to my head. Milk.

Milk: They’re very nice and cool and particularly nice to milk.

Tarro: Ah.

Brass: It feels a little derivative of Taro’s, but I’ll accept it. Toggle,

Toggle: Those who don’t want the crown are the most worthy to wear it.

Brass: I’m glad you agree that you should be crowned king, Toggle.

Tarro: Yeah.

Toggle: Not really, no. It’s

Brass: Taro,

Tarro: He has the biggest balls.

Brass: and yet they still haven’t dropped. I don’t get it.

Tarro: All the energy is just like, piling up in there, you know? Hell

Brass: They’re just inflating

Toggle: like Madoka Magica, it’s like, eventually it’s just gonna burst into a giant wish.

Tarro: yes.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: Because politically, I think he’d cut really favorable side deals to zoo projects.

Brass: Fair. Fair.

Tarro: Yeah.

Brass: Very reasonable. That Tuggle,

Tarro: We could be like, Trump and Elon, but, you know.

Milk: nice. I

Tarro: Ha

ha ha ha ha ha!

Toggle: Not a high bar to pass.

Brass: It really isn’t. Tarro.

Tarro: by birthright.

Toggle: Birthright.

Tarro: Yeah. I don’t know anything about his parents, but I’ve decided that they were the previous king and queen, and so just by birthright, he deserves it.

Brass: Toggle. story about that later.

Toggle.

Toggle: Uh, I got an A in social studies in high school.

Brass: Ooh! Very good job. Gold star.

Tarro: Kart Grand Prix. Ha

Toggle: I sure

fuckin

Tarro: ha!

Brass: Whoa.

I love how we’re now getting into reasons that are basically, like, elementary school level.

Tarro: Have you gotten first in the Mario Kart Grand Prix? Ha ha!

Toggle: Right, Brass.

Brass: True, Toggle.

Toggle: I pulled the sword out of the stone!

Tarro: Ha ha!

Brass: What does the sword look like?

Toggle: the sword actually kinda looks like, when you, you ever play Beat Saber?

Brass: Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Toggle: Yeah, it’s kinda like that.

Brass: I was just expecting it to be a big dog dick.

Toggle: Giant

Tarro: The knot was inflated, that’s why it wasn’t coming out of the stone. Clench,

Toggle: just had to, just had to milk it a little bit.

Tarro: clench.

Brass: Taro.

Tarro: because they might not make any more episodes of Bluey and it needs something to do.

Brass: Oh.

Toggle: fuck you. But also, I can’t wait for the fucking Bluey movie.

I’m

Tarro: about the Bluey video game? You didn’t even play it.

Toggle: Well, no, cause it didn’t really review well, it doesn’t look great.

Tarro: Eh, not a true fan. Hehehehe

Toggle: Sorry. about it. Not a true fan. Don’t like the video game.

Brass: Any more?

Toggle: Milk? Come on. Pfft.

Milk: crown and like an actual sized rat. And put the crown on the rat.

Brass: that is great. Heheheheheheheheheh,

Milk: Both.

Brass: what is the ceremonial crown?

Milk: Exactly. One for special occasions.

Tarro: hmm.

Brass: Alright, Taro!

Tarro: Because he showed incredible leadership skills getting this fucking podcast out once a month for, like, Ten years.

Brass: True. Heheheheheheheheheh,

Tarro: Could you laugh with a little less sadness in your voice at that joke?

Toggle: Oh my god.

Brass: ugh. toggle!

Toggle: Who the fuck else would you ask to be king of the zoos?

Tarro: That’s true. That’s really true. That’s the right answer.

Brass: Exactly. I fully agree without any threat to my life.

Toggle: I just want to say, it just recurred to me that you guys should know that I was not the producer who insisted on this. I was a contestant.

I

Brass: course not. Of course not, Toggle. You would never do that to me.

Tarro: does a blue orb hold a gun anyway?

Toggle: sure it was, it was a certain, writer with a fascination for dogs who probably wrote a lot of these questions because they’re very dog centric.

Tarro: Yeah, crazy. Are you implying Brass didn’t write all of this himself? Come on!

Brass: how dare you?

Taro.

Tarro: Uh, because I bet if you actually polled every single zoo that’s, like, active in the community at all, Toggle probably would get the most votes, and so we’re still kind of, like, doing democracy.

Brass: I feel like, that’s a more of a president.

Tarro: Oh my god, sorry, I’m trying to have fucking good political views!

Brass: Okay, I’ll give you the point.

Toggle: Okay, good. ,

Brass: it’s like the prom king. You know,

Toggle: Because it makes Toggle upset every time you tell him he should be king.

Tarro: Oh, that’s so true!

Brass: Any more questions? Or answers, rather?

Tarro: No, but I want you to know that I messaged Toggle the first time I had an awkward like fan encounter and Toggle was like Do not tell me I have fans. I hate this. Stop talking to me

Brass: Oh, milk?

Milk: So by huge coincidence, we’ve had a lot of big political ideas this episode. And I think if anyone would be nice enough to pass them and make dogs invincible, it would be Toggle.

Brass: Yeah.

Toggle: By royal decree, dogs are invincible.

Brass: Honestly, yeah, we need a rat who can get things done.

Milk: We need a

Toggle: Right, like in dog invincibility.

Tarro: Get the top scientists working at it with the the new military budget going straight to Zoot

Toggle: By that point I don’t even need to be king, I just pull all the strings.

Milk: What’s his name? Biscuit?

Toggle: biscuits,

Milk: Yeah.

Toggle: and dogter waffles. Put our top scientists on this.

Brass: Moving on and Hey, I hear a buzzing again. It’s time for another spelling swarm.

Toggle: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Brass: Our first word is zoophile.

Tarro: O O P H I L E, smiley face.

Brass: Very good. I like the smiley face.

Tarro: Thanks!

Brass: Now, is that an emoji or like, ASCII art?

Tarro: It’s colon and then the bracket.

Brass: Alright, ASCII. Milk.

Milk: Okay, z o o f i l e.

Brass: Very good.

Milk: A classic.

Brass: It is. Toggle.

Toggle: Z U P H Y L.

Tarro: Ooh!

Brass: I like it. Fancy. Taro.

Tarro: Z O O S E X U A L, because don’t fucking trot on my identity like that, Brass.

Brass: Zoosexual. Okay. It’s not pronounced zoophile. No.

Tarro: Wow.

Brass: Milk.

Milk: Okay, z o o p h a i l.

Brass: Ooh, as in like a phial of an

Milk: Yeah, you get

Tarro: Huh?

Toggle: Ah, man, I was gonna do that one, but, okay, hold on, let me think.

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: T S U,

Toggle: F I

Brass: Alright. Yeah. oh, milk.

Milk: Okay, okay. Z O O P H Y L E

Tarro: Ooh. How regal.

Brass: archaic even, tarot,

Tarro: Z O O P H I L L E.

Milk: Zoophile.

Brass: I will accept it I guess, tarot again.

Tarro: Z O O O P H

Toggle: Oh no, no,

Milk: Stealing my joke, are we?

Brass: Next word is tarot, toggle,

Toggle: T A R R E A U,

Brass: ooh French,

Toggle: Henry David Taro,

Brass: milk,

Milk: T A R O O U X.

Brass: so

we’re adding it, we’re adding

Milk: No!

Brass: in the O from Bordeaux, great,

Milk: I hate that I know that.

Brass: tarot.

Tarro: T A R R O. Like the vegetable or fruit or whatever it is.

Brass: Toggle,

Toggle: T A H R O,

Brass: very good. Milk,

Milk: T A R O H

Brass: fair enough. Taro.

Tarro: T A R R O W for all

the tarot enjoyers out there.

Toggle: I was gonna say that,

Brass: However, could that not also be said as tarow?

Tarro: No.

Toggle: no, it’s like, hmm. I have to think. Taro.

Tarro: I want you guys to know how weird this is with you guys just saying my name over and over again. Oh, that’s

Toggle: Well, why don’t we just do feel like that’s tarouf.

You

Brass: Yeah,

Milk: stole mine! Hey!

Brass: one had said it yet.

Milk: You stole

Brass: was kind of hoping we’d go the entire round with no one saying it.

Milk.

Milk: Oh, well, now I have to

Toggle: So you know how I feel.

Milk: I’ll get you. let me think, let me think.

Brass: Come on Milk. Hurry up.

Milk: I’m trying. T A R R O U G H.

Tarot.

Brass: Yeah.

Toggle: It could be, but I’ve definitely seen

Brass: Tarou,

Toggle: H as Taro.

Brass: cause I

Tarro: Okay.

Brass: But we will accept it for the sake of giving Milk points.

Milk: Yay!

Toggle: T H O U G H, though.

Tarro: Mm.

True, true, true.

Milk: rhymed.

Toggle: In Japan, Taro is a very common name for a dog, and it’s spelled T A R O, T

Brass: Okay. Okay. assuming those are in Japanese symbols.

Toggle: They certainly are.

Tarro: R O W.

Milk: Tarot.

Toggle: Taurow,

Brass: I still think that could be the, uh, Tara or Tar

Tarro: Oh yeah, keep trying to say it wrong so that you don’t have to give me the point.

Brass: I’ve given you the point.

Toggle: T A U R O W,

Tarro: Oh,

Toggle: Taurow,

Brass: Anymore? Taro.

Tarro: T A R R O O O O O, as is written in the, , buzzer system.

Brass: But that’s Taru.

Tarro: I don’t know, that, it seems like it’s taro. That, every time you say it, you keep saying taro.

Brass: Fair Taurow. Okay, I think we’re good.

All right. Next up we have everyone’s favorite word, bestiality, milk.

Milk: B E A S T I, A L I T Y

Brass: yeah, we’ll

Milk: It’s a long word, I got

Toggle: This is a really long word. I’m thinking about it too. It’s gonna be really hard to keep track.

Tarro: Exactly what Melk said, but I take out the A.

Brass: Okay,

Tarro: The first one?

Brass: I’m gonna need you to spell that out for us.

Tarro: B E S T I A L I T Y

Brass: Alright, alright,

Toggle: B E E S T I A L A D E E

Brass: bestiality,

Tarro: okay.

Brass: congrats on being the first person to reach 100 points,

Toggle: Yes! Yes! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Tarro: B E E S T I A L I T Y For if you’re someone who likes bees.

Brass: yes,

new sexuality just dropped, attraction to bees,

Toggle: Okay, let’s see. Bestiality. B E S T, I A L A D Y. Bestiality.

Brass: alright, yeah.

Tarro: Okay.

Brass: I had to spell that out so I I know, it’s hard. There’s so much. There’s so much.

Milk.

Milk: Okay, okay. B I E S T I A L I T Y. Bestiality.

Toggle: Bestiality.

Brass: We’ll take it, we’ll take it. Taro.

Tarro: B E S T I A L A D D Y.

Brass: Bestiality.

Because that was fun to say, I’ll give it to ya.

Tarro: That’s all I need.

Brass: Bestiality. Toggle.

Toggle: B E E S T E A L A D E E

Tarro: Mmm. Hey,

Toggle: BTLD.

Brass: Fair enough, yeah. You see, it’s harder to keep track of when you’re spelling it, but it’s so many more opportunities. Milk.

Milk: Okay, okay. B E S T Y A L I T Y. B I Y T Y, bestiality,

Brass: Yeah, yeah, it is indeed. Congrats on reaching 69 points. Taro.

Tarro: it!

Milk: I thought this name would never come.

Tarro: B E A S T I A, L, N, oh god, where did I go wrong?

Brass: Come

Tarro: I give up. I give up.

Brass: All right, so what you’ve wrote so far is bestial.

Tarro: Yeah, I got lost in the sauce.

Brass: point.

Tarro: Too much bestiality for me.

Milk: No such

Toggle: bIES.

Brass: Beastie owl ity.

Toggle: Bestiality,

Tarro: like owls.

Brass: owls are cool.

Toggle: superbowl,

Milk: Okay, okay, okay, okay. B E E S T E E A L E E T E E,

bestiality. owl ity. Okay.

Toggle: it’s very hard, there’s so many

Brass: twice, we are moving on. Alright, now for the players, I need you to understand that I was very, very enthusiastically asked to put this one in.

Toggle: okay,

Brass: Dog penis in the ACDC font.

Milk: Oh,

Toggle: oh, okay,

Milk: the whole thing or just dog

penis.

Brass: your interpretation. Toggle.

Toggle: okay, D O G P E N I S I N T H E A C slash D C F O N T,

Brass: Correct.

Toggle: this is fucking dumb, I love it,

Tarro: D O G P E N I S I N T H E A C slash D C F O N T E.

Brass: That’s font.

Tarro: Yeah, it’s font, but like, there’s an E on the end, so it’s fancy.

Toggle: yeah, like a font of knowledge. okay.

Tarro: Yes! I did not want to spell all that shit for no points.

Milk: I cannot keep track of this.

Tarro: Ha! Man, I wonder who wrote this question.

Toggle: Right, the long syllables. Okay, D A W G P E E N I S, N D A A Y C E E D E E C E E, F O N T

Tarro: For the sake of the contestants, the audience, and the host, I’m going to not answer anymore of this

question.

Brass: fair,

Toggle: We could go

Brass: we’re going once,

Toggle: Milk, you

should do it.

Brass: milk, I do have a good one, okay, it’s D A W G P E E N U S

Milk: in the ACDC font. I

Brass: enough, I’m gonna give it to you, this is a long one, Alright, and for our last question, we have, for or chastity play,

Toggle: no!

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: Vor!

Brass: Taro?

Tarro: chastity, for sure.

Toggle: You must be out of your mind.

Tarro: You must be out of your mind.

Brass: Toggle,

Toggle: Okay. First of all, Chastity Place sucks. if I wanna come, I wanna come. I don’t wanna have to do this bullshit where you’re like, you can’t come. I’m like, no, I’m gonna come because that’s what I wanna do. You’re not the boss of me. I do what I want. So, just by virtue of that, vore is better.

Brass: Taro response.

Tarro: Here’s the problem with vre. You’re either doing Soft V in which you’re a baby bitch or you’re doing Hard V and you’re a serial killer cannibal, and there’s no InBetween, and the line there is. Too much work, and I feel like Chastity can be a lot of fun, where you’re getting into like, dominance sort of, like, play, and Oh, I really want to come, but I can’t is like, super fun headspace to be in, versus like, mmm,

Brass: Toggle response.

Toggle: Right? First of all, just because you live on Twitter and you lack the ability to interpret nuance does not mean that a fetish is invalid. So I just want to say that first of all. Second of all, , there is an in between because you could be the one getting eaten. That’s absolutely a valid place to be.

And in that case, if you’re into hard vore, it’s absolutely not a matter of you being a serial killer or whatever. I like the idea of the permanence of this whole thing and being a part of another person and all of that stuff, so, you know, fuck you.

Brass: taro,

Tarro: I feel like Vore is the experience you can have one time in that context, but Chastity play you can do over and over again. So just objectively, uh, much in the way that we are scoring this game, it is quantity over quality.

Toggle: Oh, okay.

Brass: toggle,

Toggle: Okay, listen. Chastity isn’t something I want to do over and over again, okay? I want to cum when I want to cum. And at least with Vore, especially SoftVore, you can do it multiple times, and you get to cum every single time. So if you want quantity over quality, all you need to do is do SoftVore, or just Do the play again!

It just because it’s permanent in this context doesn’t mean you can’t RP it again, and again, and again. And each time, by the way, you get to get off. So,

Brass: taro

Tarro: Okay, here’s the issue with everything that you’ve been saying. Your whole point is that you want to be able to come when you want to come. If you’re voring someone, who’s there to make you come? They’re in your belly! What are you gonna do, jack off?

Brass: Toggle.

Toggle: Alright, have you actually looked at Vore?

Because yes, the answer is yes! The answer is yes, of course you jerk off! You jerk off after you eat them, and then like, when you’re in the insides, you’re in their squiggly, like, belly, and it’s like, super tight, and like, stiff, and like, if you squirm, it gets you hard, and gets you, makes you cum, so you don’t have to masturbate in that case, so like You just don’t know what you’re talking about, Taro

Brass: Taro

Tarro: think for the good of all people, we should unite instead of divide. So how about we put me in a chastity cage, and then you eat me, and we all win.

Brass: toggle.

Toggle: not hungry.

Brass: Ooh.

Milk: stone cold,

Brass: All right. Since we seem to be at an impasse milk, who do you think is winning?

Milk: See, they both made really good points, and I respect them both greatly. However, there was a point when Toggle said, fuck you, and I really felt that.

Tarro: Milk, just remember who’s given you more points.

Milk: Have you not both given me one?

Tarro: I’ve given you four. No!

Milk: Selective memory. I think Toggle wins.

Toggle: Yes!

Brass: All right, and that brings us to the end of our game

today.

Milk: Woohoo!

Brass: Our final scores milk with 71.

Milk: Yay!

That’s the highest

Brass: 102,

Tarro: Ayy.

Brass: and Toggle, our winner, with 106 points.

Toggle: Yes! I’m channeling Brendan! Yes!

Woo! Brass,

Brass: yes?

Tarro: can I buy a vowel?

Brass: How much you off, friend?

Tarro: Uh, four points.

Brass: You may buy one vowel for four points.

Tarro: Can I have one more O to put on my name?

Brass: In the scoreboard? Or, like,

Tarro: No, just in general. I’m changing all of my social bases to T A R R O O

Brass: Alright, so our final points have changed, so Taro now has 98 points.

Tarro: Yay!

Toggle: Sacrifice well made.

Brass: Still solidly in second place, either way, so.

Milk: Be nice to me.

Brass: Thank you for listening and I hope to see you again for our next Bot’s Job.

Tarro: I think the reason that Toggle should be king of the zoos is because he won the episode. ha ha ha

ha

ha ha ha!

ha ha!

Toggle: reason.

Milk: Meritocracy.

Toggle: for. This was the competition to decide the king of the zoos. I accidentally won that. Shit.

Tarro: who has more responsibility now?

Toggle: God damn it.

Brass: Now you’re going to have to do two podcasts a month.

Tarro: It’s over. Hellooo!

Toggle: Why does your mom make you do two podcasts? Back to the podcast mines!

Milk: The children yearn.

Outro

Tarro: Thanks, friends, for listening to Zooier Than Thou.

Toggle: Season 7 starts on March 14! Can you believe it? Season 7!

Tarro: It’s bound to be lucky, so don’t miss it!

Toggle: You can subscribe to the podcast via our zooey RSS feed: just point your favorite podcast client at rss.zoo.wtf. You can also check out our extensive bonus content at bonus.zoo.wtf! If you want to show your support financially, head on over to donate.zoo.wtf.

Tarro: Our podcast’s website hasn’t changed, and you can find a form there that enables anonymous submissions to the podcast! You can also simply email us at [email protected].

Toggle: Share this podcast with someone who likes Zooey gameshows!

Tarro: I’m Tarro, now with more vowels for your delight!

Toggle: And I’m Toggle, and I am NOT the king of the zoos, and you’ve almost finished listening to Zooier Than Thou! Stay Defiant, fellow zoos! We’ll see you next time you feel like howling at the moon!

Both: Awooooooo!