Concept: Lovecat

Execution: Toggle

Special Guests: Michael Kiok and Komet of ZETA Verein

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

zeta-verein.de

Danish Animal Ethics Council: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1sAzw96UUDztRv7n6_3C611Bv36O03mWu

Music

“Reawakening,” “Lobby Time,” “Acid Trumpet,” “Bossa Antigua,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Hawaiian Dreams”
royalty free Music by Giorgio Di Campo for FreeSound Music
http://freesoundmusic.eu
https://www.facebook.com/freemusicfor…
https://youtube.com/freesoundmusic
original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5vk0VRxsPs

“Sax Sexual,” by Smooth Jazz Sax Instrumentals, from the album “After Dark Jazz”

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Secret Zoo 1

Interview with Michael Kiok and Komet – ZETA Verein

Secret Zoo 2

Zooey in Kahului

Personal Ad – Randy the Ram

Outro

Concept: Lovecat

Execution: Lovecat, Toggle

Special Guests: Lovecat, Kyon, Doodle Donkey, and Steeeve

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

“Understanding Bestiality and Zoophilia” by Hani Miletski
http://drmiletski.com/e_book.html

Music

“Midnight Tale,” “Sinfonia Number 5,” “Lobby Time,” “Acid Trumpet,” “Bossa Antigua,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Secret Zoo – The Last Unicorn

Interview with Steeeve – Tales of Zoo History

Zoo Poetry Theater

Ask Zooey

Outro

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Music

“Shades of Spring,” “Modern Jazz Samba,” “Lobby Time,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

Check out Carreen Maloney’s book at:

www.uniquelydangerous.com

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Legal Beagles Introduction

Outro

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Special Guests: Canis Gnosis and Anziris

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

Music

“Airport Lounge,” “Clear Waters,” “Lobby Time,” “Whiskey on the Mississippi,” “Bossa Antigua,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

“Sax Sexual,” by Smooth Jazz Sax Instrumentals, from the album “After Dark Jazz”

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Betty’s Bestiality Brothel

Secret Zoo

Healthy, Happy, Zooey

Zoo Poetry Theater

Ask Zooey

Eulogy – Zeke

Outro

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Special Guest Host: Vee

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

Music

“Lobby Time,” “Frozen Star,” “Acid Trumpet,” “Symphonia No. 5 by Bach,” “Brandenburg Concerto No. 4,” “Blue Ska,” “Monkeys Spinning Monkeys,” “Investigations,” “Gymnopedie No. 1,” “Night on the Docks,” “Long Stroll,” “Bossa Antigua,” “Airport Lounge,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Variety Show Segment Intro Tv Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “Radio Show Finale Fanfare,” “Old Time Radio American Music,”  
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

(transcript not fully complete)

Disclaimer/Intro

(The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains mature content and language, and may not be appropriate for younger audiences. Thanks for understanding.)

Fausty: Greetings, fellow zoos, and welcome to a very voluptuous episode of Zooier Than Thou. I’m Fausty, an old dog still learning new tricks.

Toggle: I’m Toggle, and I haven’t been called any interesting epithets in the past two weeks.

Vee: And I’m Vee, the Lesbian daughter of the mega-corporate owner of this podcast, and the penultimate source of pussy for this episode.

Fausty: And we’ll be your chauffeurs this evening!

Toggle: First off, thanks a ton for joining us tonight, Vee! It’s been getting a bit testosterone-y in here, lately. Big, macho bravado from SOMEONE here startin’ to stink up the place.

Fausty: I will absolutely take the blame for any and all testosterone-fueled displays of bravado, as, you know, the only one of us with balls.

Vee: Now, now, boys, you can measure your dicks — and your balls — later on.

Toggle: Fair enough. We’re just really stoked you can bring some much-needed feminine energy to our little sausage fest of a podcast.

Vee: Ah, yes. This recording booth is starting to smell a bit too much like prohibition beer and shitty dad jokes.

Toggle: The dad jokes are on me, sorry.

Vee: I would also like to take a moment to give a shout out to the ladies over at ZooVille, who are stalwart in holding down the fort against the influx of douchebags that have been kind of flooding the forums as of late. I’ve been away from the place more recently myself, but it’s nice to see that they are able to stand firm in the face of loudmouths who want to push us out of the community.

Fausty: Have you been dealing with a lot of that lately?

Vee: Actually, yes.

Toggle: I have to say that I’ve seen some rather toxic discourse on the site lately. I popped in to talk with some people about this apparently timely episode, and found myself dealing with incels, which I didn’t expect.

Fausty: Yeesh.

Toggle: We’ll definitely be tackling this subject a bit more in a few minutes. But first—

Vee: E-mails!

Toggle: Exactly!

Fausty: Alright, let’s dig into the mailbag and see what we’ve got.

Toggle: First up, Dog Park Princess writes: “So I have been listening to all of your podcasts while I am exercising and it takes my mind off the work and makes fitness fun – the only thing I wish is that they were weekly instead of bi-weekly! But no matter, I can tell that a lot of work goes into each one and they turn out absolutely wonderful.”

Fausty:

Toggle: You guys are trying to kill me. Twice a month is already too much! But seriously, we love hearing that folks enjoy the podcast so much! Thanks a ton! Vee, can you read the next part?”

Vee: Certainly. Dog Park Princess continues: “I enjoyed listening to the limericks and was inspired to write my own:

“My doggy can screw – That is certainly true,

And I have to admit that he’s better than you…

Since the size of his dick

is as long and as thick

As a human man if he had two!”

Toggle: (laughs)

Vee: Truly inspired.

Fausty: You can’t argue with facts.

Toggle: We should bring back more limericks.

Vee: So many fucking limericks.

Fausty: We could do a whole episode of just reading limericks, and I think everyone would be just as happy.

Vee: I mean, they’re about horse ass and dog weenie. Who wouldn’t?

Toggle: Right? Thanks a ton, Princess! That was awesome!

Vee: Up next, we have one from Flower. Flower writes: “Hey there! I’m super excited to contribute to the podcast!

I am a 19-year-old sophomore university student. I just recently joined ZooVille after getting more interested in getting to know others who share similar interests in zoophilia and bestiality. I have received so many warm welcomes and pieces of advice on this board. Having gotten these feelings at a young age, I’ve always felt deep shame about it and fear that someone would find out. I never dated any guys or girls (due to shyness and anxiety), but my pet became my lover – the type of deep romantic bond that seems to be unreal.”

Toggle: That sounds kind of beautiful.

Fausty:

Vee: I think that it’s beautiful that you were able to find companionship. But you shouldn’t let any fears or anxieties you’re having stop you from finding even more resources for love. Nothing is more wonderful than getting to grow up and experience love like that. I’m almost jealous.

Flower continues: “I’ve been able to talk to people of all different ages, races, nationalities, sexualities, and even more areas of diversity. Talking with some of the older members has really taught me to not take my access to internet resources for granted. Not only do I have a massive amount of porn at my disposal – I also have communities and resources to help guide me through my journey.”

Toggle: Yeah, it’s really cool that young zoos get to grow up and actually learn from… I guess you would say elders?

Fausty: Grey muzzles.

Toggle: Grey muzzles in the community.

Vee: It is absolutely wonderful to have terabytes of porn at your fingertips! That’s always a wonderful perk to having a community. But also, it’s great that the circle of learning and experiences are… well, they’re becoming a circle now. People who went through zoo life 30 or 40 years ago can pass on their knowledge so that younger zoos can learn from them without having to make the same mistakes or suffer the tides of this world with no guidance.

Fausty:

Vee: Flower concludes, ”I, like many others, hope for a day where zoophiles and those who practice bestiality are accepted by society. Even as a woman who is mounted by my dog whom I love and care for (i.e. I’m the passive partner in the sexual act), I am called a monster animal abuser by those who are disgusted by my love and sexuality. Men have it even worse; even though most who take the “top” role in their relationships are so gentle and loving towards their partners, they are even more harshly criticized than women.”

Toggle: I don’t know that men are more harshly criticized, as much as women are completely erased from the idea of what it means to be a zoo in the eyes of bigotry.

Fausty: (something something passive roles.)

Vee: (Canadian laws, penetration vs. oral)

Toggle: (yadda yadda how being a female zoo is perceived from an outside perspective)

Fausty: Alright, up next is an e-mail from… Beth?

Toggle: Beth. Yes, Beth.

Fausty: Beth.

Vee: Beth?

Toggle: Beth. Beth writes: “While zoophilia is something I’ve been into for quite some time, I only recently started to really participate in the community and really put myself out there. I started out on beast forum. I joined a bit after high school and really just lurked on the forum for a while. I eventually started posting and started receiving messages. Most of them were very nice but some were…..very off-putting to say the least. Being the still shy girl I was at the time I took a break from the site. I spent a few years off and on that site. I met a lot of cool people and even met some in person. Right before beast forum died I heard about art of zoo. I’ve been way more active than ever in the community on there. I became even more active after finally being mounted.”

Vee: Congratulations!

Toggle: Is being mounted like having a Bat Mitzvah?

Vee: It’s more like a baby shower for your canine hymen.

Toggle: The first time is always a memorable experience.

Fausty:

Toggle: Beth continues: “My experiences at first were a mixed bag of people actually trying to talk and creeps trying to get free pics or into my pants if they were in the area. That is the part that was a bit off putting despite more people just wanting to chat. Eventually on the tail end of beast forum I met a very local owner and after months of chatting we finally met in person. By that point we had both shifted to art of zoo. This is where it gets a bit more interesting since now I’m a woman with experience and pics/ videos from it.

Being a female in this community, one of the biggest issues is the amount of guys who feel entitled to your time, pics and attention. Before my experience I was talking to several people, mostly guys since there tends to be a larger percentage of guys on sites like these. After my experience there were guys consistently asking for pics. I hadn’t really planned on sharing them and said no. Later on, the site wanted to do an interview. I decided to do it and share a couple pics for it. There were a couple guys upset that I was sharing it for the interview but not sharing all of my pics with them and felt a way about it. I had to squash that fast. I was worried I would get more like that after it was posted but oddly enough it was just curious dudes who were polite and a couple of ladies who had genuine questions.”

Vee: Yeah, it is unfortunately not uncommon if you put out any kind of media, you open yourself up to anything from people that just get a little too interested for your comfort zone, to totally greedy creeps. It’s nice to put up content for the community and receive feedback and trade experiences, but it also opens you up to people feeling entitled to your very existence. And the infuriating thing is that no one cares. And the most common response is like, “Just block them.” But that doesn’t stop them. You pull the head off the weed, and there’s gonna be like sixteen more in its place.

Toggle: I will say, as a gay guy, I have been asked for videos, but I’ve never had anyone get really creepy about it. It’s usually like, “Hey, you’re a zoo. Do you have any pictures? It’s cool if not, but…” You know. Kind of understanding that this might not be something you want to share. BUT, thinking about it, Grindr is a place that I think I can relate to some of that, because… I dunno. People think you owe them pictures. Why do guys think other people owe them stuff?

(Conversation about Grindr and ZooVille solicitations)

Fausty: What’s next?
Vee: Here’s one from Dragoness! She writes, “I just find this wholescale women hate thing to be a very hard pill to swallow (pardon the pun!) And I’m sure there’s equal hatred on the other side of the coin.”

Toggle: I can’t decide if she’s saying she doesn’t believe that women get a lot of hate, or if she doesn’t understand WHY women get a lot of hate.

Fausty: What do you think, Vee?

Vee: As another woman who has been in the zoo community since her teen years i can say that to maybe some it is a hard pill to swallow but its not unthinkable. Hatred toward minorities and women are evident in every community. Even in Lgbtq communities bisexual women (and males and nonbinary people as well) face erasure, and being a bisexual and a woman you are seen as impure or gross to some lesbians, and just a play thing to straight couples. Or like in gaming communities, woman are bashed, trolled, bullied and generally not allowed to be themselves. So where as for some the pill may be hard to swallow i think its about time we take it and start fixing shit!

Toggle: I think Dragoness is trying to allow that there are women who hate guys just as much, and I think yes. Certainly, that’s true. But I think that it’s hard to suggest, given my experience, that the effects of misandry are as significant in our community as the effects of misogyny.

Fausty:

Vee: Dragoness continues: “Either way, it’s this separatist behavior that enables more hatred in the world, in the zoo lifestyle and in all areas of life. It is our differences that make us important and special, but it shouldn’t be a reason to hate, vilify, exclude or help to tear us apart more.”

Toggle: Elk yeah.

Fausty: Couldn’t agree with that sentiment more. I think it’s fair to say that we’ve founded our podcast based on that very principle.

Vee:”Having become more comfortable with bestiality, I’ve also joined another page called zoosbook and a kik group. As with all these online platforms, people hide behind their screens. You don’t know them, or even who they really are. As it happens, I’ve not been abused on ZooVille or these other platforms. Only by a guy in the kik group I was in. He started by asking me (the usual 🙄) questions about whether I’d ever taken a 9 inch cock and how I wouldn’t be able to take it. When I told him that I didn’t like the way he spoke to me, he verbally abused me stating that I was a disease on society, mentally deranged and should be locked up. He then said he’d found me on Facebook, which to me, was scarier than anything else.

I’ve since done some changes and more lockdowns, but I suppose you can’t close the gate once the horse has bolted!”

Toggle: Christ.

Vee: It is good to hear that you’ve not had to deal with any bs on zooville thus far. There will always be people in the world looking to be assholes for no reason or for following their own dogmatic state of mind. But it is saddening to hear your toxic experiences in the community in other groups. It seems to be almost a trend in communities when a man is getting too comfortable with their selfish indulgent desires that if they are denied — most particularly by women — Their first response is to alienate, insult and try to disconnect you from whatever community it is you are part of. Threats of being outed or shamed on vulnerable networks like facebook or twitter namely are terrifying. So always try to disconnect your identity with your zoo identity. Become that spicy dog cock loving ethereal goddess you’ve always dreamed of personifying! And when it comes to irl stuff with people you trust, just be (insert x name here) the spicy dog cock loving goddess! But not made of pixels! 😀

Fausty:

Vee: The Dragoness concludes: “Misogyny and sexism I’ve dealt with all my life. This hatred for bestiality is new! How do you deal with it? I get it that some ppl are against it and think its wrong. But hey, up until recently homosexuality was listed in the DSM as a psychological disorder!”

Toggle: Honestly? Mix a bit of self-confidence with a strong support network and community, sprinkle in the knowledge that all these bigots are full of shit, and you’ve got a nice cocktail for dealing with their bullshit.

Fausty:

Vee: Personally I return to my network of people that I trust and have, but that is something that I have built over time and can rely on. It may not be the same for you, if you are alone with the secret of being a zoo start networking! Nothing helps unwind after dealing with some asshats bigotry like being able to recede into the loving arms of someone who accepts you.

Toggle: Our final e-mail comes from Wendy Darling.

Fausty: Where do you get these names from?

Toggle: Look, I just read what’s on the script. Wendy writes, “I appreciate that you’re wanting to talk about women zoos since it’s very much something overlooked. I do not consider myself zoo exactly since I’m also attracted to humans equally as I am animals, so I’m not sure if my input would actually count.”

Fausty: It does.

Toggle: “I think my main question would be if men think that being zoo exclusive is solely a male sexuality like some users here on ZooVille do, that if women can also be Zoosexual. And if male Zoos who were born knowing they only liked animals for relationships dislike the male ones who say they “went Zoo” because they had a bad relationship. Aka, “Women are all cheating nagging harpies. I went Zoo because dogs and horses don’t talk back and do what I want.” Or men who say they “went Zoo” just for sex because they say a bitch or mare is ten times better at sex than a woman, and didn’t do it for actual relationship purposes.”

Fausty: Is this a thing, that only men can be zoosexual?

Vee: I think there’s a growing presence of redpilled zoos on ZooVille who express these views.

Toggle: Yeah, gross. Zoosexuality isn’t just a male thing. Women can definitely be sexually attracted to animals. Also, not being zoo-exclusive doesn’t make you any less of a zoophile. I have a human husband, but I still get fucked by dogs, so I mean…

Fausty:

Toggle: Wendy continues: “Female zoo exclusives are more uncommon than males, and honestly I think it has a lot to do with society still pushing that women NEED to be in a relationship to have kids. A single woman is berated more than a single man. I also believe a lot of exclusivity is because of failure with human relationships, and men seem to have this more than women by far from what I’ve seen here and on other zoo/beast sites over the years. Obviously that’s not all, I’ve talked with many exclusive men who were both sweet and respectful.. however those were only ones who believe they were born exclusive from the start. Ones who tend to show or support the MGTOW lifestyle are more hostile. There’s nothing inherently wrong with giving up on relationships and focusing on yourself, but so many men do it out of spite and hate. It would be nice to delve into that in the Zoo world as to why men do it but it’s rare for women to.”

Fausty: OK, so what is Migtow?

Vee: Men Going Their Own Way. It’s a branch off of the men’s rights movement that encourages men to give up pursuing relationships with women in service of a greater purpose.

Fausty: Sounds pretty gay.

Toggle: You’re not expected to fuck other guys instead. Because that would be gay.

Fausty: What does this have to do with zoos?

Vee: There’s a growing presence of incels and “zoopilled” people on ZooVille which are spouting these ideas.

Toggle: It’s kind of insane, to be perfectly honest.

Fausty:

Vee:

Fausty: Thanks to everyone who sent us in e-mails for this episode, and thanks too all the folks who contacted us through other media as well!

Toggle: So, today’s topic, broadly, is about women in our zoo community. I really wanted to discuss this topic because I noticed in my own zoo groups, there weren’t a lot of women present and visible, and many of the zoophile studies I’ve seen passed around completely ignore women entirely. To me, as a beta male soyboy cuck, it seems like there’s a little bit of erasure of female zoosexual identity both within our community and from without. On top of that, I can’t help but notice there’s an element of misogyny that’s present in the community, and the degree to which I’ve witnessed it has actually risen since I first started trying to put this episode together. But, obviously, I don’t want to dominate this conversation, which is why we’ve invited Vee to guest host, and Ashley Wolf as our interview guest. So, that’s the introduction. Vee, would you like to start us off?

Vee:

(Zoo Bystanders)

(How zoosexual women are erased by mainstream perceptions of what a zoophile is)

(Incels, the zoo pill, zoo exclusivity)

(Creating a space that’s not alienating for women in our community)

(Women’s POSITIVE experiences in the zoo community)

(What it means to be a zoo for women)

Toggle: Don’t touch whatever device you’re streaming this show from. There’s a bunch more zooey goodness coming up, after this!

This Episode’s Sponsors

Announcer: This week’s podcast is sponsored by:

Knotella: Start your day right, and spread that creamy canine goodness all over your muffin!

And also by:

Farmer John’s Natural Deodorant and Body Wash: for when your human smells too, well, human. Now available in three new scents: “Fresh hay,” “Spring dirt bath,” and “Chewed up tennis ball.”

And finally:

By X chromosomes, and people who have two of them.

Mrs. Mixies’ Treats for Humans

Announcer: Is your human a tired, anxious ball of nerves? Are you sick of watching it struggle to understand even the simplest concepts like pack loyalty, or hunting strategy, or how to keep its “car” clean inside?

Cat 1: Christ. Yes.

Announcer: Give your human the simple, low-cost, good-tasting feedback it so desperately needs with Mrs. Mixies Treats for Two-Leggers! Perfect for a species so dim it nearly managed to wipe out life on our entire planet. Reward its not-dumb behaviours with something simple and, well… simple. And what hits that so-so-simple spot?

Dog 1: Mrs. Mixies?

Announcer: Yes, Mrs. Mixies! Reward your human for its shambolic attempts at logic with a sweet treat from Mrs. Mixies kitchen. Did your human play fetch with you today without the need for constant corrections? Treat it to some Mixies! Did your human find the perfect spot where you needed a good scritch? Treat it to some Mixies! Humans are just the most precious little skinbags, aren’t they? Of COURSE they are! So treat them and show them, in a way even their crippled human brains understand, that you don’t hate them.

Dog 2: Any time my human remembers what it was supposed to be doing around the den or with the pups or whatnot, I give it a Mixies. Treats always brightens its mood, and now it seems to feel less confused all the time – what a blessing!

Horse 1: Ever since I started using Mixies, it’s been easier to train my human to keep on top of those awful thistles that keep popping up in our pasture. Sure, it struggles with a complex task like this, but with Mixies at least I have a way to tell it that it isn’t totally incompetent… with a language even it can understand. Sorta dumb, we all know those humans are, but also soooo cute!

Announcer: Humans are crazy for Mrs. Mixies special, addictive blend of caffeine and sugar, packed in a vaguely healthy (or anyhow not aggressively unhealthy) bite with essential human vitamins and minerals, and coated in delicious flavors your human will go crazy for. Now available in Spicy Sriracha, Crunchy Peanut Butter, Vansterdam Avocado Toast, and – a favourite of those precious “senior” humans, especially – Palatable Liver Flavor!

Cat 1: Wow, my human worships me even more than before! It understands that treats mean it didn’t do an oopsie or dig up my catnip or any other stupid human thing – so it doesn’t have its spirit crushed by how dumb it really is. And that’s as best we can hope, isn’t it? I mean, they’re cute – but nobody said they were any smarter than even a kitten who still has yet to open her eyes. And we love them just as they are – no matter what anyone else might say.

Dog 1: How did I live without Mrs. Mixies? My human used to be so unruly, but now it – or should we call it “he” after we got it fixed so it doesn’t try to hump my shoulder? – gets excited when I bring it my leash. It really understands, I think… or maybe it just likes Mixies so much that it’s happy all the time. Either way, I’m happy with the results so far. It won’t ever be a real pack member, obviously… but at least it can feel like it’s doing something right.

Announcer: You’ve never seen a two-legger do zoomies like this before! But wait – there’s more! Now, available only in certain states, Mrs. Mixie’s comes with a therapeutic dose of THC, to help your anxious humans relax. Who needs expensive SSRIs or sedatives purchased in some dark alley when it comes to human separation anxiety syndrome? Mixies has got your human covered, and it’ll settle in no time once that THC hits full-force.

Cat 2: (unconcerned) My humans go bonkers for it when they’ve had their Mixies. Sometimes that means they’re too wacked to handle basic tasks like laser-pointer pointing, but whatever – it’s super funny to watch. Humans are dumb, but dumb in a cute way. Sometimes.

Dog 2: I can tell my human is happier now. It is always excited to play with me, and love on me, and its kisses are so much less nasty than before! Sure, it’s not a real person – but at least it doesn’t smell quite so much like everything wrong with the world. That’s a start. Thanks, Mrs. Mixies!

Announcer: Mrs. Mixies Treats for Two-Leggers, now available everywhere human treats are sold! Remember: to others, it’s only a human… but to you, it’s almost like it’s sort of a kind of halfway-part-of-the-family adjunct partial person! That’s worth a treat… and they’re soooo cute, aren’t they?

Secret Zoo

Announcer: Here at Zooier Than Thou, we’ve made it something of a tradition to explore, each full moon episode, a bit of zooish history in the form of a Secret Zoo. That is, someone we all know, a part of our shared culture, who it turns out is actually a part of the grand tradition of zooish human awesomeness. From Shadowfax (and his human, some old guy with a long beard) to the inestimable Rin Tin Tin and his human (whom he loved very much, and very deeply), each Secret Zoo is a great chance to learn more about the wonders of zooish history. But, this month, we’ve pulled out all the stops in service of a Secret Zoo that’s out of this world. Literally. We asked our legendarily great-maned Great Dane herself, Miss Zooey, to breach the walls of the Afterlife to answer a question on the minds of zoos everywhere. Sure, she was Great. But, was Catherine really… one of us? Without further ado, it’s… Zooey!

Zooey:: Fabulous I am, and fabulous I’m known as far and wide. Adulation and adoration are a natural part of being me. And yet, when this month’s challenge was put to me with such manners and such earnest hopefulness, I knew I’d have to dig deep. Really, really deep. And, just happens that in addition to fabulousness without bounds, I’m about as deep in deep as a Dane can get… which is damned deep indeed! Deep, as in “Dearest Zooey, we need to know – the zoo community needs to know: Catherine the Great, the legendary ruler of Mother Russia in the 18th Century… born a Prussian princess, ascending to empress of a grand country on the verge of dissolution, a woman hugely successful in the crippling confines of an all-male European ruling class, a woman who knew what she wanted and knew how to go about making it so, well… we all know the silly rumour of her stallion-involved death were nothing but petty imagination after her death, and yet we still want to know, need to know: was Catherine the Great a legitimate, in-the-bones, fully-fleshed zoo? One of us? Zooey, please, only you can get the answer, and to do so you must cross over to the Afterlife, and ask the Great Catherine Herself!” Well, that’s a tall order even for a tall glass of fantastic such as I… but there is no try – only do – when it comes to Zooey’s dedication. Off I went….

Announcer: That’s right, Zooey used her bubbling, fecund, orgasmic Great Dane magicks to inside-tie deep within the Cosmos itself. That’s right, she crossed over. To the Afterlife. Just like that, she was there…

Zooey:: Well hello there ladies and gents and oh my so many beautfic mares and prancing, handsome stallions! And dogs, and bitches, and dolphins, and critters great and small! The Afterlife, in all its glory. And I must say, not many lacking-legs, naked monkeys here in comparison to the four-legged smorgasboard of murrs set out before my lusty eyes. Sir? Sir! Would you have a moment, my large friend?

Draft Stallion: Good day, little lady… and may I I say, you’ve quite the gorgeous mane, that you most certainly do! And – deep nicker – no offense intended but, well… a fella can’t help but drop into such a pleasant surprise as this! And what – apart from the obvious service of service – can an gentleman such as myself offer a fine lady such as you?

Zooey:: Oh my oh my oh Dog Almighty herself! The Afterlife, with handsome hunks like you, is everything I’d dreamed and so much more… that sheath is no dream, if my eyes tell true, and what’s emerged from its bountiful confines is most certainly befitting of Heaven itself.

Draft Stallion: No offense intended, Ma’am, but this is no “Heaven.” That was just a silly human fairytale. They told themselves they’d have run of the great pastures in the sky – humans and nobody else – can you believe it? Silly, it was, and it’d be silly to think anything but. No, Ma’am, this is the Afterlife and whilst we did vote to let in some of our small, loud, selfish friends – it’s best to keep an open mind, innit? – mostly its us four-legged folks and our various friends, here.

Zooey:: Ah, well, call it what you will but with dream-worthy wonders like you here, to me it’s heavenly whatever the name. And these humans I see… most seem like they’re, well… for example there’s that most-pleased-seeming woman over there engaged in a most beautiful tie with what I can’t help but think is a Moose of a canine fellow, befitting Ghengis himself. And she’s not the only one: there’s Rinty himself, balls-deep in his beloved Lee and the both of them radiating what I’d say is heavenly delight. And those mares over there… oh, my oh my – with adoring “little stallions” like those on the oral job, it’s no wonder they’re happy has horses can be. Seems all the humans are…

Draft Stallion: Yes indeed, Ma’am. Most al the humans here, they’re invited alongside their nonhuman mates, that they are. There’s no rule that it’s zoos-only on the human side of things… but it’s a damned rare sight indeed to see an unaccompanied human make the grade. Mother herself, well… she’s not to keen on most humans, that’s the long and short of it. But the ones wise enough to find love with nonhuman partners? They’ve got a toe – and sometimes a bit more than a toe, if I might say – in the door where it counts most. And we’re glad to have them, that we are! It may be the Afterlife and whatnot, and I may be a draft stallion right out of the Dreamtime… but even here, I don’t have thumbs and those humans sure are good with an AV when it comes time to cum, as it were, as they say… whoo, yessir… those thumbs and what they can do? I say that humans have plenty to offer, even missing two legs as they are. Welcome here, any time – so long as they arrive with an AV hot and ready for some action!

Zooey:: My good man, I must say I’ve some skills with just such a tool as you describe, and thumbs well-trained, and we might just make some time to make some gel and all that comes therafter – I bet that’s an impressive load indeed! But, first, duty calls. May I aask of you one small question – my big, bodacious boy?

Draft Stallion; Well, ahem, that you most certainly may. Don’t mind my slapping, M’lady… all this talk of hot AVs and gel fractions has me, well, thinking with my biggest muscle, a we stallions like to say…

Zooey:: Amoungst stallions may be just the place to find what I’m looking for. Would you perhaps know if Catherine the Great, the legend herself, made the cut and made it here to the Afterlife? She’s said to have a way with the stallions, if I may be some blunt…

Draft Stallion: Cathy? The Great One herself? Well certainly she’s here – why wouldn’t she be? And a way with the studs? That’s not giving half the credit she deserves, for she’s a one who knows her way around a flare, that she is! I believe she’s just ’round the corner of the Breeding Barn of Bliss, if my ears tell true… she, and her latest equine paramour, who sounds like he’s having the time of his life. And no surprise, for either, not one bit.

Zooey:: My thanks, and you – big handsome – hold that though that’s got your chest all a spunky wonderland and I’ll be back in a jiffy to see if these Afterlife AVs can handle draft-stallion-plus endowments like that!

{sound of walking, a bit of panting, and Zooey mumbling about “haven’t see a man – you name the species, honey, and no need to leave the whale fellas aside – with that kind of firepower between the legs since… well since forever…oh, oh my oh my, what have we here!}

Catherine:: Oh, I see we’ve an audience, Bucephalus – wonder if she’s as good in bed as her gorgeous Great Dane looks would have us believe? Shall we invite her for a small session with the two of us, Bucky? What say you?

Bucephalus Catherine, my dear, your wish is my command. Alexander is off for the day – remedial anger management lessons for all eternity, the price he paid to accompany me here in spite of… well, all that badness of his – and I’m yours to command as you see fit.

Catherine:: Come over here, darling, and don’t be shy. Bucky here won’t hurt you… not unless you decide to try on his flare for yourself, and in that case it’s on you if those beautiful eyes of yours are hungrier than those flanks can accommodate. He’s no draftie, Bucky, but he’s a ways ahead of any Great Dane you’ll ever meet, in the endowment arena. Dont’ be shy, now! Give Bucky a nice squeeze and he’ll share some hair product better than anything you’ve ever tried, that I most certainly assure you to be true.

Zooey:: Can’t disagree one bit, Miss… Catherine. Can’t disagree: nothing like gel, fresh from the tap, to keep things smooth and slick and tight ’round the ears! First, if I may, a small question of historical import… though, from the looks of things, I’m pretty sure I know the way of it already, Miss Catherine. Still, for the record and for the ages…

Catherine:: Yes, young woman? What’s on your tongue – surely it’s not Bucky’s seed, not yet anyhow, and it must be something important indeed to delay such an important rendezvous. Ask it, and let’s be about our equine endeavours, two ladies and one most legendary man.

Zooey:: Well, it’s clear that the story of your death, and the stallion, and the “malfunctioning apparatus” and, well, it’s hardly worth even mentioning…

Catherine:: Oh that silly story? It doesn’t take a zooish history maven to know that, no, I didn’t die when some apparatus malfunctioned and a stallion fell on me mid-coitus. How silly! Only someone utterly ignorant of the ways of equine men would misunderstand so badly the mechanics of human-stallion carnal pleasures. An apparatus? Collapsing? The only thing that collapses in such situations is any sane woman’s inhibitions, once he enters her and fills her very soul in ways only us equine zoos will ever truly understand. So, no, there was no death by malfuction and unfortunately my transition to this zooish Afterlife of dreams was as mundane and quotidian as it gets: a stroke, that’s what did me in. Too much good food, too little sex – that was the fatal flaw! More sex, and I’d have kept in better fighting trim, that’s what Alex and Bucky tell me – and I think they’re as right as can be, that they are.

Zooey:: Yes of course, and my thanks for the gracious answer. Even the most cloistered canine zoo knows that there’s no apparatus needed when stallions and women love each other very, very much – malfuctions, indeed! Only malfuction there is the non-zoo malfunction of thinking that anyone past kindergarten would misunderstand such a simple sex act, so badly and so weirdly. Well, and not to pry, so please don’t feel I’m pressuring you for a reply, but if I may…

Catherine:: It doesn’t take a lifetime of rule to read what you’re about to ask, and you need not fear my wrath, little lady, for it’s all for the good: Yes, yes of course I’m “of the community,” as we said in my time. As zooish as you, yourself most certainly appear to be. Zooish as a barn full of lusty mares with only the stableboy to do yoeman’s service. Zooish as dear Alex and Bucky, those two randy gentleman with their endless appetites for each other’s surfeit of seed! Zooish as… well, you get the point, I’d think, and Bucky here’s getting impatient if his handsome stallionhood is any measure of things, so let’s not muddle about a moment longer than is necessary for community good taste: Yes, yes I was and yes I am: Princess, Empress… and Zooish throughout. T’was the stallions who captured my heart – and all the rest – though I can’t say I turned down a stud dog with that special sparkle in his eyes… nor, from time to time, a human male if he could hold his own in this sort of heavy company. Some could, yes indeed… no Ptomekin village could fake what those gentlemen provided me when the call went out. No, no… they earned their place in my bed – even if, of course, they could never measure up to the equine heroes of my dreams.

Zooey:: Well, my thanks for that – settles the question, just like that. And now, if I may… Bucky, what’s your pleasure: hands, tongue, lips… or all the above?