Concept: Lovecat

Execution: Toggle

Special Guests: Michael Kiok and Komet of ZETA Verein

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

zeta-verein.de

Danish Animal Ethics Council: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1sAzw96UUDztRv7n6_3C611Bv36O03mWu

Music

“Reawakening,” “Lobby Time,” “Acid Trumpet,” “Bossa Antigua,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Hawaiian Dreams”
royalty free Music by Giorgio Di Campo for FreeSound Music
http://freesoundmusic.eu
https://www.facebook.com/freemusicfor…
https://youtube.com/freesoundmusic
original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5vk0VRxsPs

“Sax Sexual,” by Smooth Jazz Sax Instrumentals, from the album “After Dark Jazz”

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Secret Zoo 1

Interview with Michael Kiok and Komet – ZETA Verein

Secret Zoo 2

Zooey in Kahului

Personal Ad – Randy the Ram

Outro

Concept: Lovecat

Execution: Lovecat, Toggle

Special Guests: Lovecat, Kyon, Doodle Donkey, and Steeeve

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

“Understanding Bestiality and Zoophilia” by Hani Miletski
http://drmiletski.com/e_book.html

Music

“Midnight Tale,” “Sinfonia Number 5,” “Lobby Time,” “Acid Trumpet,” “Bossa Antigua,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Secret Zoo – The Last Unicorn

Interview with Steeeve – Tales of Zoo History

Zoo Poetry Theater

Ask Zooey

Outro

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Music

“Shades of Spring,” “Modern Jazz Samba,” “Lobby Time,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

Check out Carreen Maloney’s book at:

www.uniquelydangerous.com

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Legal Beagles Introduction

Outro

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Special Guests: Canis Gnosis and Anziris

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

Music

“Airport Lounge,” “Clear Waters,” “Lobby Time,” “Whiskey on the Mississippi,” “Bossa Antigua,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

“Sax Sexual,” by Smooth Jazz Sax Instrumentals, from the album “After Dark Jazz”

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Betty’s Bestiality Brothel

Secret Zoo

Healthy, Happy, Zooey

Zoo Poetry Theater

Ask Zooey

Eulogy – Zeke

Outro

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Special Guest Host: Vee

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

Music

“Lobby Time,” “Frozen Star,” “Acid Trumpet,” “Symphonia No. 5 by Bach,” “Brandenburg Concerto No. 4,” “Blue Ska,” “Monkeys Spinning Monkeys,” “Investigations,” “Gymnopedie No. 1,” “Night on the Docks,” “Long Stroll,” “Bossa Antigua,” “Airport Lounge,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Variety Show Segment Intro Tv Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “Radio Show Finale Fanfare,” “Old Time Radio American Music,”  
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

(transcript not fully complete)

Disclaimer/Intro

(The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains mature content and language, and may not be appropriate for younger audiences. Thanks for understanding.)

Fausty: Greetings, fellow zoos, and welcome to a very voluptuous episode of Zooier Than Thou. I’m Fausty, an old dog still learning new tricks.

Toggle: I’m Toggle, and I haven’t been called any interesting epithets in the past two weeks.

Vee: And I’m Vee, the Lesbian daughter of the mega-corporate owner of this podcast, and the penultimate source of pussy for this episode.

Fausty: And we’ll be your chauffeurs this evening!

Toggle: First off, thanks a ton for joining us tonight, Vee! It’s been getting a bit testosterone-y in here, lately. Big, macho bravado from SOMEONE here startin’ to stink up the place.

Fausty: I will absolutely take the blame for any and all testosterone-fueled displays of bravado, as, you know, the only one of us with balls.

Vee: Now, now, boys, you can measure your dicks — and your balls — later on.

Toggle: Fair enough. We’re just really stoked you can bring some much-needed feminine energy to our little sausage fest of a podcast.

Vee: Ah, yes. This recording booth is starting to smell a bit too much like prohibition beer and shitty dad jokes.

Toggle: The dad jokes are on me, sorry.

Vee: I would also like to take a moment to give a shout out to the ladies over at ZooVille, who are stalwart in holding down the fort against the influx of douchebags that have been kind of flooding the forums as of late. I’ve been away from the place more recently myself, but it’s nice to see that they are able to stand firm in the face of loudmouths who want to push us out of the community.

Fausty: Have you been dealing with a lot of that lately?

Vee: Actually, yes.

Toggle: I have to say that I’ve seen some rather toxic discourse on the site lately. I popped in to talk with some people about this apparently timely episode, and found myself dealing with incels, which I didn’t expect.

Fausty: Yeesh.

Toggle: We’ll definitely be tackling this subject a bit more in a few minutes. But first—

Vee: E-mails!

Toggle: Exactly!

Fausty: Alright, let’s dig into the mailbag and see what we’ve got.

Toggle: First up, Dog Park Princess writes: “So I have been listening to all of your podcasts while I am exercising and it takes my mind off the work and makes fitness fun – the only thing I wish is that they were weekly instead of bi-weekly! But no matter, I can tell that a lot of work goes into each one and they turn out absolutely wonderful.”

Fausty:

Toggle: You guys are trying to kill me. Twice a month is already too much! But seriously, we love hearing that folks enjoy the podcast so much! Thanks a ton! Vee, can you read the next part?”

Vee: Certainly. Dog Park Princess continues: “I enjoyed listening to the limericks and was inspired to write my own:

“My doggy can screw – That is certainly true,

And I have to admit that he’s better than you…

Since the size of his dick

is as long and as thick

As a human man if he had two!”

Toggle: (laughs)

Vee: Truly inspired.

Fausty: You can’t argue with facts.

Toggle: We should bring back more limericks.

Vee: So many fucking limericks.

Fausty: We could do a whole episode of just reading limericks, and I think everyone would be just as happy.

Vee: I mean, they’re about horse ass and dog weenie. Who wouldn’t?

Toggle: Right? Thanks a ton, Princess! That was awesome!

Vee: Up next, we have one from Flower. Flower writes: “Hey there! I’m super excited to contribute to the podcast!

I am a 19-year-old sophomore university student. I just recently joined ZooVille after getting more interested in getting to know others who share similar interests in zoophilia and bestiality. I have received so many warm welcomes and pieces of advice on this board. Having gotten these feelings at a young age, I’ve always felt deep shame about it and fear that someone would find out. I never dated any guys or girls (due to shyness and anxiety), but my pet became my lover – the type of deep romantic bond that seems to be unreal.”

Toggle: That sounds kind of beautiful.

Fausty:

Vee: I think that it’s beautiful that you were able to find companionship. But you shouldn’t let any fears or anxieties you’re having stop you from finding even more resources for love. Nothing is more wonderful than getting to grow up and experience love like that. I’m almost jealous.

Flower continues: “I’ve been able to talk to people of all different ages, races, nationalities, sexualities, and even more areas of diversity. Talking with some of the older members has really taught me to not take my access to internet resources for granted. Not only do I have a massive amount of porn at my disposal – I also have communities and resources to help guide me through my journey.”

Toggle: Yeah, it’s really cool that young zoos get to grow up and actually learn from… I guess you would say elders?

Fausty: Grey muzzles.

Toggle: Grey muzzles in the community.

Vee: It is absolutely wonderful to have terabytes of porn at your fingertips! That’s always a wonderful perk to having a community. But also, it’s great that the circle of learning and experiences are… well, they’re becoming a circle now. People who went through zoo life 30 or 40 years ago can pass on their knowledge so that younger zoos can learn from them without having to make the same mistakes or suffer the tides of this world with no guidance.

Fausty:

Vee: Flower concludes, ”I, like many others, hope for a day where zoophiles and those who practice bestiality are accepted by society. Even as a woman who is mounted by my dog whom I love and care for (i.e. I’m the passive partner in the sexual act), I am called a monster animal abuser by those who are disgusted by my love and sexuality. Men have it even worse; even though most who take the “top” role in their relationships are so gentle and loving towards their partners, they are even more harshly criticized than women.”

Toggle: I don’t know that men are more harshly criticized, as much as women are completely erased from the idea of what it means to be a zoo in the eyes of bigotry.

Fausty: (something something passive roles.)

Vee: (Canadian laws, penetration vs. oral)

Toggle: (yadda yadda how being a female zoo is perceived from an outside perspective)

Fausty: Alright, up next is an e-mail from… Beth?

Toggle: Beth. Yes, Beth.

Fausty: Beth.

Vee: Beth?

Toggle: Beth. Beth writes: “While zoophilia is something I’ve been into for quite some time, I only recently started to really participate in the community and really put myself out there. I started out on beast forum. I joined a bit after high school and really just lurked on the forum for a while. I eventually started posting and started receiving messages. Most of them were very nice but some were…..very off-putting to say the least. Being the still shy girl I was at the time I took a break from the site. I spent a few years off and on that site. I met a lot of cool people and even met some in person. Right before beast forum died I heard about art of zoo. I’ve been way more active than ever in the community on there. I became even more active after finally being mounted.”

Vee: Congratulations!

Toggle: Is being mounted like having a Bat Mitzvah?

Vee: It’s more like a baby shower for your canine hymen.

Toggle: The first time is always a memorable experience.

Fausty:

Toggle: Beth continues: “My experiences at first were a mixed bag of people actually trying to talk and creeps trying to get free pics or into my pants if they were in the area. That is the part that was a bit off putting despite more people just wanting to chat. Eventually on the tail end of beast forum I met a very local owner and after months of chatting we finally met in person. By that point we had both shifted to art of zoo. This is where it gets a bit more interesting since now I’m a woman with experience and pics/ videos from it.

Being a female in this community, one of the biggest issues is the amount of guys who feel entitled to your time, pics and attention. Before my experience I was talking to several people, mostly guys since there tends to be a larger percentage of guys on sites like these. After my experience there were guys consistently asking for pics. I hadn’t really planned on sharing them and said no. Later on, the site wanted to do an interview. I decided to do it and share a couple pics for it. There were a couple guys upset that I was sharing it for the interview but not sharing all of my pics with them and felt a way about it. I had to squash that fast. I was worried I would get more like that after it was posted but oddly enough it was just curious dudes who were polite and a couple of ladies who had genuine questions.”

Vee: Yeah, it is unfortunately not uncommon if you put out any kind of media, you open yourself up to anything from people that just get a little too interested for your comfort zone, to totally greedy creeps. It’s nice to put up content for the community and receive feedback and trade experiences, but it also opens you up to people feeling entitled to your very existence. And the infuriating thing is that no one cares. And the most common response is like, “Just block them.” But that doesn’t stop them. You pull the head off the weed, and there’s gonna be like sixteen more in its place.

Toggle: I will say, as a gay guy, I have been asked for videos, but I’ve never had anyone get really creepy about it. It’s usually like, “Hey, you’re a zoo. Do you have any pictures? It’s cool if not, but…” You know. Kind of understanding that this might not be something you want to share. BUT, thinking about it, Grindr is a place that I think I can relate to some of that, because… I dunno. People think you owe them pictures. Why do guys think other people owe them stuff?

(Conversation about Grindr and ZooVille solicitations)

Fausty: What’s next?
Vee: Here’s one from Dragoness! She writes, “I just find this wholescale women hate thing to be a very hard pill to swallow (pardon the pun!) And I’m sure there’s equal hatred on the other side of the coin.”

Toggle: I can’t decide if she’s saying she doesn’t believe that women get a lot of hate, or if she doesn’t understand WHY women get a lot of hate.

Fausty: What do you think, Vee?

Vee: As another woman who has been in the zoo community since her teen years i can say that to maybe some it is a hard pill to swallow but its not unthinkable. Hatred toward minorities and women are evident in every community. Even in Lgbtq communities bisexual women (and males and nonbinary people as well) face erasure, and being a bisexual and a woman you are seen as impure or gross to some lesbians, and just a play thing to straight couples. Or like in gaming communities, woman are bashed, trolled, bullied and generally not allowed to be themselves. So where as for some the pill may be hard to swallow i think its about time we take it and start fixing shit!

Toggle: I think Dragoness is trying to allow that there are women who hate guys just as much, and I think yes. Certainly, that’s true. But I think that it’s hard to suggest, given my experience, that the effects of misandry are as significant in our community as the effects of misogyny.

Fausty:

Vee: Dragoness continues: “Either way, it’s this separatist behavior that enables more hatred in the world, in the zoo lifestyle and in all areas of life. It is our differences that make us important and special, but it shouldn’t be a reason to hate, vilify, exclude or help to tear us apart more.”

Toggle: Elk yeah.

Fausty: Couldn’t agree with that sentiment more. I think it’s fair to say that we’ve founded our podcast based on that very principle.

Vee:”Having become more comfortable with bestiality, I’ve also joined another page called zoosbook and a kik group. As with all these online platforms, people hide behind their screens. You don’t know them, or even who they really are. As it happens, I’ve not been abused on ZooVille or these other platforms. Only by a guy in the kik group I was in. He started by asking me (the usual 🙄) questions about whether I’d ever taken a 9 inch cock and how I wouldn’t be able to take it. When I told him that I didn’t like the way he spoke to me, he verbally abused me stating that I was a disease on society, mentally deranged and should be locked up. He then said he’d found me on Facebook, which to me, was scarier than anything else.

I’ve since done some changes and more lockdowns, but I suppose you can’t close the gate once the horse has bolted!”

Toggle: Christ.

Vee: It is good to hear that you’ve not had to deal with any bs on zooville thus far. There will always be people in the world looking to be assholes for no reason or for following their own dogmatic state of mind. But it is saddening to hear your toxic experiences in the community in other groups. It seems to be almost a trend in communities when a man is getting too comfortable with their selfish indulgent desires that if they are denied — most particularly by women — Their first response is to alienate, insult and try to disconnect you from whatever community it is you are part of. Threats of being outed or shamed on vulnerable networks like facebook or twitter namely are terrifying. So always try to disconnect your identity with your zoo identity. Become that spicy dog cock loving ethereal goddess you’ve always dreamed of personifying! And when it comes to irl stuff with people you trust, just be (insert x name here) the spicy dog cock loving goddess! But not made of pixels! 😀

Fausty:

Vee: The Dragoness concludes: “Misogyny and sexism I’ve dealt with all my life. This hatred for bestiality is new! How do you deal with it? I get it that some ppl are against it and think its wrong. But hey, up until recently homosexuality was listed in the DSM as a psychological disorder!”

Toggle: Honestly? Mix a bit of self-confidence with a strong support network and community, sprinkle in the knowledge that all these bigots are full of shit, and you’ve got a nice cocktail for dealing with their bullshit.

Fausty:

Vee: Personally I return to my network of people that I trust and have, but that is something that I have built over time and can rely on. It may not be the same for you, if you are alone with the secret of being a zoo start networking! Nothing helps unwind after dealing with some asshats bigotry like being able to recede into the loving arms of someone who accepts you.

Toggle: Our final e-mail comes from Wendy Darling.

Fausty: Where do you get these names from?

Toggle: Look, I just read what’s on the script. Wendy writes, “I appreciate that you’re wanting to talk about women zoos since it’s very much something overlooked. I do not consider myself zoo exactly since I’m also attracted to humans equally as I am animals, so I’m not sure if my input would actually count.”

Fausty: It does.

Toggle: “I think my main question would be if men think that being zoo exclusive is solely a male sexuality like some users here on ZooVille do, that if women can also be Zoosexual. And if male Zoos who were born knowing they only liked animals for relationships dislike the male ones who say they “went Zoo” because they had a bad relationship. Aka, “Women are all cheating nagging harpies. I went Zoo because dogs and horses don’t talk back and do what I want.” Or men who say they “went Zoo” just for sex because they say a bitch or mare is ten times better at sex than a woman, and didn’t do it for actual relationship purposes.”

Fausty: Is this a thing, that only men can be zoosexual?

Vee: I think there’s a growing presence of redpilled zoos on ZooVille who express these views.

Toggle: Yeah, gross. Zoosexuality isn’t just a male thing. Women can definitely be sexually attracted to animals. Also, not being zoo-exclusive doesn’t make you any less of a zoophile. I have a human husband, but I still get fucked by dogs, so I mean…

Fausty:

Toggle: Wendy continues: “Female zoo exclusives are more uncommon than males, and honestly I think it has a lot to do with society still pushing that women NEED to be in a relationship to have kids. A single woman is berated more than a single man. I also believe a lot of exclusivity is because of failure with human relationships, and men seem to have this more than women by far from what I’ve seen here and on other zoo/beast sites over the years. Obviously that’s not all, I’ve talked with many exclusive men who were both sweet and respectful.. however those were only ones who believe they were born exclusive from the start. Ones who tend to show or support the MGTOW lifestyle are more hostile. There’s nothing inherently wrong with giving up on relationships and focusing on yourself, but so many men do it out of spite and hate. It would be nice to delve into that in the Zoo world as to why men do it but it’s rare for women to.”

Fausty: OK, so what is Migtow?

Vee: Men Going Their Own Way. It’s a branch off of the men’s rights movement that encourages men to give up pursuing relationships with women in service of a greater purpose.

Fausty: Sounds pretty gay.

Toggle: You’re not expected to fuck other guys instead. Because that would be gay.

Fausty: What does this have to do with zoos?

Vee: There’s a growing presence of incels and “zoopilled” people on ZooVille which are spouting these ideas.

Toggle: It’s kind of insane, to be perfectly honest.

Fausty:

Vee:

Fausty: Thanks to everyone who sent us in e-mails for this episode, and thanks too all the folks who contacted us through other media as well!

Toggle: So, today’s topic, broadly, is about women in our zoo community. I really wanted to discuss this topic because I noticed in my own zoo groups, there weren’t a lot of women present and visible, and many of the zoophile studies I’ve seen passed around completely ignore women entirely. To me, as a beta male soyboy cuck, it seems like there’s a little bit of erasure of female zoosexual identity both within our community and from without. On top of that, I can’t help but notice there’s an element of misogyny that’s present in the community, and the degree to which I’ve witnessed it has actually risen since I first started trying to put this episode together. But, obviously, I don’t want to dominate this conversation, which is why we’ve invited Vee to guest host, and Ashley Wolf as our interview guest. So, that’s the introduction. Vee, would you like to start us off?

Vee:

(Zoo Bystanders)

(How zoosexual women are erased by mainstream perceptions of what a zoophile is)

(Incels, the zoo pill, zoo exclusivity)

(Creating a space that’s not alienating for women in our community)

(Women’s POSITIVE experiences in the zoo community)

(What it means to be a zoo for women)

Toggle: Don’t touch whatever device you’re streaming this show from. There’s a bunch more zooey goodness coming up, after this!

This Episode’s Sponsors

Announcer: This week’s podcast is sponsored by:

Knotella: Start your day right, and spread that creamy canine goodness all over your muffin!

And also by:

Farmer John’s Natural Deodorant and Body Wash: for when your human smells too, well, human. Now available in three new scents: “Fresh hay,” “Spring dirt bath,” and “Chewed up tennis ball.”

And finally:

By X chromosomes, and people who have two of them.

Mrs. Mixies’ Treats for Humans

Announcer: Is your human a tired, anxious ball of nerves? Are you sick of watching it struggle to understand even the simplest concepts like pack loyalty, or hunting strategy, or how to keep its “car” clean inside?

Cat 1: Christ. Yes.

Announcer: Give your human the simple, low-cost, good-tasting feedback it so desperately needs with Mrs. Mixies Treats for Two-Leggers! Perfect for a species so dim it nearly managed to wipe out life on our entire planet. Reward its not-dumb behaviours with something simple and, well… simple. And what hits that so-so-simple spot?

Dog 1: Mrs. Mixies?

Announcer: Yes, Mrs. Mixies! Reward your human for its shambolic attempts at logic with a sweet treat from Mrs. Mixies kitchen. Did your human play fetch with you today without the need for constant corrections? Treat it to some Mixies! Did your human find the perfect spot where you needed a good scritch? Treat it to some Mixies! Humans are just the most precious little skinbags, aren’t they? Of COURSE they are! So treat them and show them, in a way even their crippled human brains understand, that you don’t hate them.

Dog 2: Any time my human remembers what it was supposed to be doing around the den or with the pups or whatnot, I give it a Mixies. Treats always brightens its mood, and now it seems to feel less confused all the time – what a blessing!

Horse 1: Ever since I started using Mixies, it’s been easier to train my human to keep on top of those awful thistles that keep popping up in our pasture. Sure, it struggles with a complex task like this, but with Mixies at least I have a way to tell it that it isn’t totally incompetent… with a language even it can understand. Sorta dumb, we all know those humans are, but also soooo cute!

Announcer: Humans are crazy for Mrs. Mixies special, addictive blend of caffeine and sugar, packed in a vaguely healthy (or anyhow not aggressively unhealthy) bite with essential human vitamins and minerals, and coated in delicious flavors your human will go crazy for. Now available in Spicy Sriracha, Crunchy Peanut Butter, Vansterdam Avocado Toast, and – a favourite of those precious “senior” humans, especially – Palatable Liver Flavor!

Cat 1: Wow, my human worships me even more than before! It understands that treats mean it didn’t do an oopsie or dig up my catnip or any other stupid human thing – so it doesn’t have its spirit crushed by how dumb it really is. And that’s as best we can hope, isn’t it? I mean, they’re cute – but nobody said they were any smarter than even a kitten who still has yet to open her eyes. And we love them just as they are – no matter what anyone else might say.

Dog 1: How did I live without Mrs. Mixies? My human used to be so unruly, but now it – or should we call it “he” after we got it fixed so it doesn’t try to hump my shoulder? – gets excited when I bring it my leash. It really understands, I think… or maybe it just likes Mixies so much that it’s happy all the time. Either way, I’m happy with the results so far. It won’t ever be a real pack member, obviously… but at least it can feel like it’s doing something right.

Announcer: You’ve never seen a two-legger do zoomies like this before! But wait – there’s more! Now, available only in certain states, Mrs. Mixie’s comes with a therapeutic dose of THC, to help your anxious humans relax. Who needs expensive SSRIs or sedatives purchased in some dark alley when it comes to human separation anxiety syndrome? Mixies has got your human covered, and it’ll settle in no time once that THC hits full-force.

Cat 2: (unconcerned) My humans go bonkers for it when they’ve had their Mixies. Sometimes that means they’re too wacked to handle basic tasks like laser-pointer pointing, but whatever – it’s super funny to watch. Humans are dumb, but dumb in a cute way. Sometimes.

Dog 2: I can tell my human is happier now. It is always excited to play with me, and love on me, and its kisses are so much less nasty than before! Sure, it’s not a real person – but at least it doesn’t smell quite so much like everything wrong with the world. That’s a start. Thanks, Mrs. Mixies!

Announcer: Mrs. Mixies Treats for Two-Leggers, now available everywhere human treats are sold! Remember: to others, it’s only a human… but to you, it’s almost like it’s sort of a kind of halfway-part-of-the-family adjunct partial person! That’s worth a treat… and they’re soooo cute, aren’t they?

Secret Zoo

Announcer: Here at Zooier Than Thou, we’ve made it something of a tradition to explore, each full moon episode, a bit of zooish history in the form of a Secret Zoo. That is, someone we all know, a part of our shared culture, who it turns out is actually a part of the grand tradition of zooish human awesomeness. From Shadowfax (and his human, some old guy with a long beard) to the inestimable Rin Tin Tin and his human (whom he loved very much, and very deeply), each Secret Zoo is a great chance to learn more about the wonders of zooish history. But, this month, we’ve pulled out all the stops in service of a Secret Zoo that’s out of this world. Literally. We asked our legendarily great-maned Great Dane herself, Miss Zooey, to breach the walls of the Afterlife to answer a question on the minds of zoos everywhere. Sure, she was Great. But, was Catherine really… one of us? Without further ado, it’s… Zooey!

Zooey:: Fabulous I am, and fabulous I’m known as far and wide. Adulation and adoration are a natural part of being me. And yet, when this month’s challenge was put to me with such manners and such earnest hopefulness, I knew I’d have to dig deep. Really, really deep. And, just happens that in addition to fabulousness without bounds, I’m about as deep in deep as a Dane can get… which is damned deep indeed! Deep, as in “Dearest Zooey, we need to know – the zoo community needs to know: Catherine the Great, the legendary ruler of Mother Russia in the 18th Century… born a Prussian princess, ascending to empress of a grand country on the verge of dissolution, a woman hugely successful in the crippling confines of an all-male European ruling class, a woman who knew what she wanted and knew how to go about making it so, well… we all know the silly rumour of her stallion-involved death were nothing but petty imagination after her death, and yet we still want to know, need to know: was Catherine the Great a legitimate, in-the-bones, fully-fleshed zoo? One of us? Zooey, please, only you can get the answer, and to do so you must cross over to the Afterlife, and ask the Great Catherine Herself!” Well, that’s a tall order even for a tall glass of fantastic such as I… but there is no try – only do – when it comes to Zooey’s dedication. Off I went….

Announcer: That’s right, Zooey used her bubbling, fecund, orgasmic Great Dane magicks to inside-tie deep within the Cosmos itself. That’s right, she crossed over. To the Afterlife. Just like that, she was there…

Zooey:: Well hello there ladies and gents and oh my so many beautfic mares and prancing, handsome stallions! And dogs, and bitches, and dolphins, and critters great and small! The Afterlife, in all its glory. And I must say, not many lacking-legs, naked monkeys here in comparison to the four-legged smorgasboard of murrs set out before my lusty eyes. Sir? Sir! Would you have a moment, my large friend?

Draft Stallion: Good day, little lady… and may I I say, you’ve quite the gorgeous mane, that you most certainly do! And – deep nicker – no offense intended but, well… a fella can’t help but drop into such a pleasant surprise as this! And what – apart from the obvious service of service – can an gentleman such as myself offer a fine lady such as you?

Zooey:: Oh my oh my oh Dog Almighty herself! The Afterlife, with handsome hunks like you, is everything I’d dreamed and so much more… that sheath is no dream, if my eyes tell true, and what’s emerged from its bountiful confines is most certainly befitting of Heaven itself.

Draft Stallion: No offense intended, Ma’am, but this is no “Heaven.” That was just a silly human fairytale. They told themselves they’d have run of the great pastures in the sky – humans and nobody else – can you believe it? Silly, it was, and it’d be silly to think anything but. No, Ma’am, this is the Afterlife and whilst we did vote to let in some of our small, loud, selfish friends – it’s best to keep an open mind, innit? – mostly its us four-legged folks and our various friends, here.

Zooey:: Ah, well, call it what you will but with dream-worthy wonders like you here, to me it’s heavenly whatever the name. And these humans I see… most seem like they’re, well… for example there’s that most-pleased-seeming woman over there engaged in a most beautiful tie with what I can’t help but think is a Moose of a canine fellow, befitting Ghengis himself. And she’s not the only one: there’s Rinty himself, balls-deep in his beloved Lee and the both of them radiating what I’d say is heavenly delight. And those mares over there… oh, my oh my – with adoring “little stallions” like those on the oral job, it’s no wonder they’re happy has horses can be. Seems all the humans are…

Draft Stallion: Yes indeed, Ma’am. Most al the humans here, they’re invited alongside their nonhuman mates, that they are. There’s no rule that it’s zoos-only on the human side of things… but it’s a damned rare sight indeed to see an unaccompanied human make the grade. Mother herself, well… she’s not to keen on most humans, that’s the long and short of it. But the ones wise enough to find love with nonhuman partners? They’ve got a toe – and sometimes a bit more than a toe, if I might say – in the door where it counts most. And we’re glad to have them, that we are! It may be the Afterlife and whatnot, and I may be a draft stallion right out of the Dreamtime… but even here, I don’t have thumbs and those humans sure are good with an AV when it comes time to cum, as it were, as they say… whoo, yessir… those thumbs and what they can do? I say that humans have plenty to offer, even missing two legs as they are. Welcome here, any time – so long as they arrive with an AV hot and ready for some action!

Zooey:: My good man, I must say I’ve some skills with just such a tool as you describe, and thumbs well-trained, and we might just make some time to make some gel and all that comes therafter – I bet that’s an impressive load indeed! But, first, duty calls. May I aask of you one small question – my big, bodacious boy?

Draft Stallion; Well, ahem, that you most certainly may. Don’t mind my slapping, M’lady… all this talk of hot AVs and gel fractions has me, well, thinking with my biggest muscle, a we stallions like to say…

Zooey:: Amoungst stallions may be just the place to find what I’m looking for. Would you perhaps know if Catherine the Great, the legend herself, made the cut and made it here to the Afterlife? She’s said to have a way with the stallions, if I may be some blunt…

Draft Stallion: Cathy? The Great One herself? Well certainly she’s here – why wouldn’t she be? And a way with the studs? That’s not giving half the credit she deserves, for she’s a one who knows her way around a flare, that she is! I believe she’s just ’round the corner of the Breeding Barn of Bliss, if my ears tell true… she, and her latest equine paramour, who sounds like he’s having the time of his life. And no surprise, for either, not one bit.

Zooey:: My thanks, and you – big handsome – hold that though that’s got your chest all a spunky wonderland and I’ll be back in a jiffy to see if these Afterlife AVs can handle draft-stallion-plus endowments like that!

{sound of walking, a bit of panting, and Zooey mumbling about “haven’t see a man – you name the species, honey, and no need to leave the whale fellas aside – with that kind of firepower between the legs since… well since forever…oh, oh my oh my, what have we here!}

Catherine:: Oh, I see we’ve an audience, Bucephalus – wonder if she’s as good in bed as her gorgeous Great Dane looks would have us believe? Shall we invite her for a small session with the two of us, Bucky? What say you?

Bucephalus Catherine, my dear, your wish is my command. Alexander is off for the day – remedial anger management lessons for all eternity, the price he paid to accompany me here in spite of… well, all that badness of his – and I’m yours to command as you see fit.

Catherine:: Come over here, darling, and don’t be shy. Bucky here won’t hurt you… not unless you decide to try on his flare for yourself, and in that case it’s on you if those beautiful eyes of yours are hungrier than those flanks can accommodate. He’s no draftie, Bucky, but he’s a ways ahead of any Great Dane you’ll ever meet, in the endowment arena. Dont’ be shy, now! Give Bucky a nice squeeze and he’ll share some hair product better than anything you’ve ever tried, that I most certainly assure you to be true.

Zooey:: Can’t disagree one bit, Miss… Catherine. Can’t disagree: nothing like gel, fresh from the tap, to keep things smooth and slick and tight ’round the ears! First, if I may, a small question of historical import… though, from the looks of things, I’m pretty sure I know the way of it already, Miss Catherine. Still, for the record and for the ages…

Catherine:: Yes, young woman? What’s on your tongue – surely it’s not Bucky’s seed, not yet anyhow, and it must be something important indeed to delay such an important rendezvous. Ask it, and let’s be about our equine endeavours, two ladies and one most legendary man.

Zooey:: Well, it’s clear that the story of your death, and the stallion, and the “malfunctioning apparatus” and, well, it’s hardly worth even mentioning…

Catherine:: Oh that silly story? It doesn’t take a zooish history maven to know that, no, I didn’t die when some apparatus malfunctioned and a stallion fell on me mid-coitus. How silly! Only someone utterly ignorant of the ways of equine men would misunderstand so badly the mechanics of human-stallion carnal pleasures. An apparatus? Collapsing? The only thing that collapses in such situations is any sane woman’s inhibitions, once he enters her and fills her very soul in ways only us equine zoos will ever truly understand. So, no, there was no death by malfuction and unfortunately my transition to this zooish Afterlife of dreams was as mundane and quotidian as it gets: a stroke, that’s what did me in. Too much good food, too little sex – that was the fatal flaw! More sex, and I’d have kept in better fighting trim, that’s what Alex and Bucky tell me – and I think they’re as right as can be, that they are.

Zooey:: Yes of course, and my thanks for the gracious answer. Even the most cloistered canine zoo knows that there’s no apparatus needed when stallions and women love each other very, very much – malfuctions, indeed! Only malfuction there is the non-zoo malfunction of thinking that anyone past kindergarten would misunderstand such a simple sex act, so badly and so weirdly. Well, and not to pry, so please don’t feel I’m pressuring you for a reply, but if I may…

Catherine:: It doesn’t take a lifetime of rule to read what you’re about to ask, and you need not fear my wrath, little lady, for it’s all for the good: Yes, yes of course I’m “of the community,” as we said in my time. As zooish as you, yourself most certainly appear to be. Zooish as a barn full of lusty mares with only the stableboy to do yoeman’s service. Zooish as dear Alex and Bucky, those two randy gentleman with their endless appetites for each other’s surfeit of seed! Zooish as… well, you get the point, I’d think, and Bucky here’s getting impatient if his handsome stallionhood is any measure of things, so let’s not muddle about a moment longer than is necessary for community good taste: Yes, yes I was and yes I am: Princess, Empress… and Zooish throughout. T’was the stallions who captured my heart – and all the rest – though I can’t say I turned down a stud dog with that special sparkle in his eyes… nor, from time to time, a human male if he could hold his own in this sort of heavy company. Some could, yes indeed… no Ptomekin village could fake what those gentlemen provided me when the call went out. No, no… they earned their place in my bed – even if, of course, they could never measure up to the equine heroes of my dreams.

Zooey:: Well, my thanks for that – settles the question, just like that. And now, if I may… Bucky, what’s your pleasure: hands, tongue, lips… or all the above?

Bucephalus Nickers deeply….

Announcer: And, dear listeners, there you have it! Catherine was Great, that she was: a great example of zooish savoir-faire and zooish self-confidence. A woman as comfortable in her own sexuality as she was in the barn, coupled with her favourite new young stallion, the two of them turning noblesse oblige on its cross-species head! A Secret Zoo no more, Catherine takes her place amoungst the greats of our great zoo community. And, stay tuned, for more Zooier Than Thou…

helpsavemy.dog

Fausty: Last episode, we’d briefly mentioned an opportunity for Zooier Than Thou listeners to take a tragic situation and make it right. So here’s the details.

Toggle: You can find all this information and more at a domain we registered to use for this particular task: helpsavemy.dog.

Fausty: Wow, that’s an amazingly cute and creative domain name! Who came up with that, Toggle?

Toggle: I did.

Fausty: Yes, you most certainly did.

Toggle: A few months ago, we got wind of a really nasty situation. Friend of a friend heard about this dog who had been shot, for no reason, and left paralyzed. And the dog’s owner was struggling to afford surgery to get the dog back up and running.

Fausty: Yep. So we’ve tracked down the details, and we decided that we are going to – we, listeners to the podcast and we as the zoo community – we are going to raise the funds to get this surgery done. And Toggle’s awesome domain name points to the fundraising page, so that’s where we can go to put our funds to work on this one.

Toggle: Fausty said, last episode, that it’s within our power to make this tragedy into something good. And that’s exactly what we’re doing here: we’re raising the funds to get this surgery done, so that Jason’s dog can walk again.

Fausty: without further ado, here’s Jason himself to tell us a bit about this nighmarish situation.

….

Toggle: This really is a tragedy.

Fausty: It is. The miraculous part of this is that we are able to turn this tragedy into a happy ending. Jason is a solid guy – in the months I’ve been talking with him on and off, that’s been really clear to me. And even though this isn’t a specifically zooish thing, it’s the right thing for us to do. He’ll do the rest of the work, and all he needs is a little help with the cost of the surgery. That’s something we, together, can do – we can make this right.

Toggle: go to helpsavemy.dog…

Fausty: Great domain name, Toggle!

Toggle: Why thanks, fausty! Yes go to helpsavemy.dog and donate what you can, so we can make this right. I’m donating, Fausty’s donating…

Fausty: We’re doing this, yup. So donate what you can, and tell others you know so they can help out, as well. Once the funds are available, we’ll keep in touch with Jason and keep everyone update on how the surgery and her recovery are going.

Toggle: This is a nice, straightforward chance to make one thing right. Take a minute to do what you can, right now, and tell everyone you know that they can help out, too.

Fausty: Excellent. This is how we take bad things and make them good. And thanks, everyone, for helping to make this happen. It’s really wonderful to see.

Interview with Ashley Wolf

(transcript needed)

Ask Zooey

Zooey: Welcome back to yet another episode of Ask Zooey, the internet’s number-one cross-species intimacy advice program. I’m the host with the most & plenty to boast, Zooey!

Vee: And I’m Vee, filling in for Toggle who called in too gay to work.

Zooey: I didn’t know you could do that.

Vee: If anyone can be too gay to work, Toggle’s certainly the one.

Zooey: Well, at any rate, by now our lovely audience knows the drill: send us your most lascivious romantic tryst questions, and we’ll answer them right here on the air! We respond to texts, e-mails, DMs, and carrier pigeons.

Vee: There are several very reliable ways to reach us, so don’t be shy! Whether you’ve got a hand or a hoof or anything else afoot, we’ve got advice for you.

Zooey: Our first letter comes from Smitten in Smyrna. Smitten writes: “Dear Zooey: I’ve known I was a zoo from a young age. When I was in school, I never dated any other boys or girls. My German Shepherd was my best friend and my lover. But now that I’m in college, I’ve met someone that I really like, a two-legger, as you say. I don’t have any experience with dating humans, and I know that if we seriously look at a long-term relationship, at some point, I’ll have to be honest about my sexuality. How do I most delicately tip my toes into the water of bringing up the slightest hint of this aspect of myself?”

Vee: Wow, we’re right out of the gate and playing for keeps, tonight.

Zooey: It’s certainly a question many zoos that decide to enter into human relationships will face at some point or another. I think recognizing the downsides involved in keeping your zooish orientation secret from your human paramour is a sign that you’ve got a good sense of the rough spots this all might entail for you & your loves.

Vee: Indeed. A foundation of honesty and openness with your partner, whether they’re two-legger or four-, is the key to a successful and healthy relationship. But talking about these things in an honest and genuine way isn’t always as easy as it might seem, so you’ll have to be willing to go places that aren’t always comfortable or obvious, along the way. Each relationship is a little different, so we’ll try to give good advice for the general rule, but knowing your dynamic with your partner is an intrinsic part of doing this successfully.

Zooey: We reached out to one of our friends of the podcast who is out to her partner, and she suggests that you consider softballing the topic as a first step. Oh and soft balls… that calls up some gorgeous memories! Anyway, where were we? Yes, right: if you’re unsure, it’s always worth thinking about a spot of humor, as an icebreaker, in tickly conversations. From there, get a sense of the response and that can guide you forward with a bit more confidence, honey. In my experiences with coming out — and let’s be honest, there’s no way anyone could ever fit all this Danely gorgeousness in a closet to begin with — you can gauge a lot with a little bit of humor. Is their reaction to pretend to throw up in their mouth, or do they roll with it and joke back? Humor is a great first step, plus it’s plausibly deniable in a pinch. If you receive a reaction that doesn’t make you feel alienated, then you can carry forward with a deeper talk on the many and magical variations on the theme of human – and mammal – sexuality: gay to straight, zoo to normal, top to bottom… it’s all part of the beautiful, sexy, sticky stew that makes us the critters we are. So, great as all this is, it can still be scary to be this open with any aspect of your sexuality that’s not whitebread-boring-straight-down-the-pike routine, but Smitten, if you’re taking relationships to the next level, it’s a conversation you’ll both be glad you’ve had. Coming at it with some fun and a lot less of the heavy seriousness that might seem tempting is a great way to get things going with good energy right from the start. From there, it’s all about finding ways to be honest and feel safe with each other – follow your heart towards those goals, and you’ll get to good places whatever the specifics.

Vee: Pay attention to how you feel about the reaction to your humor, as well. Frankly, Smitten, if you suddenly feel like you can’t be yourself around your suitor, you may be better suited finding another lover. A relationship in which you have to hide a significant aspect of yourself is doomed to fail in a painful and spectacular way. Hiding away your sexuality breeds resentment, self-loathing, and crumbles a relationship at the foundation.

Zooey: The good news, Smitten, is that there are plenty of folks out there who are ready to accept you for everything you are. Our friend of the show from earlier said, “Dating while being a zoo has been pretty easy for me so far. When my last boyfriend found out, he was very much for it and encouraged me.“ And everyone’s favorite rat in goggles has been married for several years without having to hide his sexuality from either his husband or his various sexual partners. And, well, you know me. Zooey as a Japanese macaque —

Vee: Oh, deer!

Zooey: — yet everyone wants a piece of me, and honestly, can you blame them?

Vee: We wish you the best of luck, Smitten. You deserve a human partner that cherishes your zooish gift as it so justly deserves. Up next, we have a letter from Billy in Bakersfield. Billy writes, “Dear Zooey: Help! I got into some horny goat weed the other day and made some decisions I’m not proud of. Look, we were curious, she was in college, I was horny. Things went downhill from there, and suddenly we’re lying in a field of flowers together, the smell of human clinging to my hair, the taste of her still wet on my mouth… It was just one time. I’m not a zoophile or anything, but… college! Horny goat weed! I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I should be a virile billy and breed every doe I see on the farm, but all I can think about is that farm girl, and how soft her hands were… What does it mean if I’m into human girls? I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of change.”

Zooey: Ahh, I see you gave it the old college try – quite the try, from the sounds of things. That can be pretty confusing. Also beautiful and exciting and wondrous… and you don’t have to blame the weed for any of it, our horny young colleague.

Vee: There are times in our lives that we have an experience that challenges everything we’ve come to believe about ourselves – an experience that helps us become who we truly are, to live and love as we’re meant to do (Insert a personal experience, if you’d like to.) But Billy, here’s the truth: you can have these experiences and still be you! What you choose to do, and with whom you do it, that’s who you are! These concepts like straight, gay, or zoosexual, are merely tools we use to more easily convey something complex about ourselves to others. You aren’t doing anything other than what comes from the most beautiful centre of who you are. The labels aren’t you; you are you – and who you are is as beautiful as is the memory of the love you shared with someone new, no weed neccessary.

Zooey: I seem to recall a certain macho stallion from an earlier episode who needed similar advice! And, last we heard, he and his delicious young man have been lighting up their corner of the world with love, joy, happiness… and more raw, pounding, sweaty hot sex than any two studs of any species could ever dare to make claim to. So, a happy ending: many happy endings, all wrapped into a great big happy climax to a story this delicious Dane has brought to mind more than once when a bit of extra horsepower was needed to make everyone’s endings happy and hard and hot and all that spurts and springs up with a sexy smile… oh yes, when we find the centre of ourselves and when that centre brings us deeply into sexual splendor with a partner (or partners) primed for us and everything we are… that’s the most blazingly brilliant thing under the sun.

Vee: Ah, yes, I remember that sexy story – who doesn’t? And it’s a great reminder that being who we are is always the best we can be. So Billy, here’s my advice: any sexual activity you engage in that’s mutually consensual and enjoyable is perfectly fine. No, wait, it’s a damned sight more than just “perfectly fine” – it’s wondrous and gorgeous and it’s the best of who we all are. You aren’t defined by the words or categories that get pulled along behind the wondrous reality of what you and your lover share; they’re just words, whilst you are you! You can enjoy sex with beautiful farm girls without changing your entire identity. You ask: what does it mean? It means that you’re still the same ol’ Billy goat – and that you have even more beauty and lust and wonder in you than you previously knew.

Zooey: Now, I’m naturally fabulous and there’s not much in the way of self-deprecation to be had when the self is me, but I’ll tell you an embarrassing story about Toggle that he doesn’t want me to tell, on one condition. Listeners, all of you, promise you won’t tell him what I’m about to share because when that rat’s got a stick up his little butt, let me tell you… it’s not a fun side of him, no not one bit. Ok well a little bit, because he’s so damned cute when he’s angry! Anyhow, no no – we mustn’t tell, right? Word of honor, and all the rest…

Vee: Color me interested.

Zooey: When Toggle first discovered he was gay – and I know honey, that’s like thinking about when the sun discovered that it’s hot – he thought he had to be gay. To, well, do all those gay-type things that make being gay such a gay good time, you know? Top to bottom (and it’s Toggle, so there’s plenty of bottom going on with that sexy little rat!), he had to hit every gay button on the great big gay tree of homo. Every bloody one!

Vee: Oh, dear.

Zooey: That’s right, Vee. He put on his guyliner, tried to adopt an affectation, wore skinny jeans and pink shirts. Really hammed it up, limp wrist, Judy Garland, and all. But eventually he realized that all that wasn’t him, and that being gay wasn’t about outward displays of whatever the non-gay world had somehow decided is involved in being gay. He figured out that being gay was just another aspect of who he already was. He could wear the leather jackets and the rock band graphic tees, drop the lisp and the make-up, let go of the Streisand affectations… and still be his big ol’ gay self. Nothing had to change: Toggle was Toggle, and he’s still Toggle, and part of Toggle is being as gay as a tree full of the gayest goddamed parrots this gay world has ever seen. That’s just what being Toggle is about, a part of the whole Togglish celebration of Toggledom. And that’s the same for you (though perhaps with a whole lot less of the uber-gay): you’ve just discovered something new about who you already are.

Vee: I think it’s also fair to suggest that a one-time fling where you explored something new doesn’t necessarily mean that your entire sexuality is undergoing a radical, permanent evolution into something. It might be a first step towards that kind of evolution; equally it may well be something you tried and that isn’t a central part of who you are. Either way, it’s all good – and it’s a great part of manifesting everything great inside you: all good, no bad, no doubt, no worries.

Zooey: This is undeniably true. We’re constantly learning things about ourselves and what we like. This could just as easily be something you try and decide that it’s not for you. But, Billy, given your sexy, delicious narration of how that sensual human girl with the soft hands is always on your mind, I’d say you’ve opened a wondrous new part of your soul and that you’ll find it more than pleasurable to see where that adventure leads.

Vee: In either case, Billy, we wish you the best of luck – not that there’s likely to be much luck involved. Embrace who you are, and don’t worry about having to change to match some pre-conceived notion of what you should be. You are you, and that soft-handed young lady who caught your eye (and likely a bit more of you, to boot) is blessed to have the chance to be part of you becoming even more you. Thanks for giving us the chance to share in that, as well, and we hope you’ll drop a line when you’ve got a minute, so we can keep tabs on how things have come to be in your great adventure into the zooish beauties of sex.

Zooey: Our last letter of the night comes from a Princess in Portland. The Princess asks, “Dear Zooey: I know every dog is different in the bedroom, but I know there are some general patterns across breeds. Pitbull males are energetic and enthusiastic, but a bit smaller in girth, while Great Danes are lazy with big, fat cocks and knots. I’ve always wondered, though: What’s a husky like?”

Vee: Hmm. I don’t have any experience with that, myself.

Zooey: Oh, honey, when it comes to that sort of experience, you can trust and believe I’ve got all the answers you need. Huskies are… well, if you’re a size queen – and, let’s just get right out front with the old saw that there’s only two kinds of zoos: size queens, and liars – you might not be blushing with lust at the legendary dimensions of those handsome Husky boy bits. But queens and liars alike, there’s more to a heavenly stud lover than just the raw dimensions of his toolset and when we get into that bigger terrain, oh, those Husky heroes do have mighty long ties. And that means that if you like to go all night, your handsome Husky paramour will take you there. They can be a bit idiosyncratic with regards to enthusiasm: if they’re not into it, boy, do they let you know! But when they’re down to pound, look out! They’re a bit wolfish in their sexual preferences: they either like you, or they don’t. Not a whole lot of middle ground. Naturally, of course, they’ve always had a great time with me.

Vee: Goodness! You’re a canine cock connoisseur!

Zooey: Trust and believe, honey, this great dane knows how to bring those handsome studly canines to a place full of pleasured howls and wagging tails and everything else that comes along with the best sex of our lives. And what’s more spectacular than sharing that kind of ecstasy with someone as gorgeous, as perfect, as sublimely studly as our beloved stud dog heroes. But, that’s all the time we have for tonight! Thanks so much for tuning in! We look forward to answering all your zooey relationship questions next episode! Keep those submissions coming!

Vee: We’ll see you next time on Ask Zooey! Same zoo time, same zoo channel!

A note: Alusky

Fausty: Although this doesn’t really tie in (get it… “tie” in…) with this episode’s theme, nevertheless we’d like to make an announcement.

Toggle: Apart from an excuse to make that amazingly overdone “tie” double-entendre, which I know never gets old for you…

Fausty: gotta go right with the elder abuse theme, don’t you kiddo?

Toggle: Sure, right… elder abuse. Of course. Anyhow as I was saying but was so rudely interrupted, yes we do want to make sure we say this now instead of waiting. Fausty, would you like to do the honours?

Fausty: oh no no… ladies first!

Toggle: I’m pretty sure that’s mysogynistic but not quite sure how, and anyway yes I’ll take the lead dog role here. Right so, folks active on twitter might be aware that Aluzky, an activist zoo and vegan who has been doing some pretty impressive stuff in terms of public outreach and bigot confrontation, has been particularly effective in reporting bigots when they do the usual bigot stuff like making death threats and otherwise abusing every possible rule against antisocial bullshit that twitter has.

Fausty: Yup. So instead of just sitting back and assuming “gee, I guess bigots get to issue explicit death threats against us, because reasons,’ he reports the cowardly shitbags to twitter. And, because twitter is sort of going through the motions of pretending that it is a viable platform for healthy social interactions, it’s been – shockingly! – actually reacting to some of the death threats and whatnot from bigots by actually taking action against these bigots when they are reported.

Toggle: Well, not always and not consistently but yes – sometimes twitter actually pulls its head out of its ass for just a minute and does something right.

Fausty: Aluzky has been really effective in reporting bigots like this, and he’s gotten dozens of them banned. Well, sorta – since many such bans, for death threats and stuff, which what the fuck, are temporary – and since bigots are cowards and hide behind sock puppet accounts, many such temporary bans are just banning disposable socks, it’s more of a symbolic thing than anything else. That said, what Aluzky’s been doing in this – and in many other areas – is pretty fucking solid, and pretty fucking effective despite the caveats.

Toggle: Elk yeah! It’s effective – the bigots have been flipping the fuck out about it!

fausty; Yup. Like all hypocrites and cowards, the bigots are shocked – shocked! – that THEY are actually being held to task, however minorly, for issuing death threats and stuff. But but… what has the world coming to? Wishing death on others because you have childish problems with healthy adult sexuality isn’t actually embraced by the world? So yeah, a bunch of sock accounts have been banned after doing dumb shit – and, crucially, after Aluzky trolls them into doing dumb shit (which he’s quite good at doing) and reports them for doing.

Toggle: So, naturally, being hypocrites and such, they don’t actually react to this well.

Fausty: No, no – of course not! Instead, they start mass-reporting HIM because he has been submitting reports of their death threats and stuff. Fraudulent reports, because obviously it’s not a violation to report bigots who actually ARE violating twitter’s rules.

Toggle: Yes, however twitter is so badly broken nowadays that if a bunch of morons all hit the “report” button at the same time, that carries tons of extra weight and suddenly that fraudulent reporting becomes magically legitimate in the eyes of twitter.

faust; Yup. Now, yes, obviously a grade school coder could easily whip up an algorithm that’s smart enough not to be fooled by mass-fraud reporting like this… but that’s way above twitter’s level of technical competence here. And, yes, there’s been more than a few credible reports that the bigots have some sort of insider “mole” that will act on fraudulent reports against sexual minorities. We’re following that up with more senior levels at twitter, but… twitter. So, “senior” can be a bit of a misnomer.

Toggle: which is all to say that it’s quite possible Aluzky will get censored by twitter for the “crime” of reporting bigots for breaking twitter’s actual rules against things like death threats.

Fausty: Yup. And, seeing this car wreck coming, we wanted to say two things.

Toggle: first, we wanted to thank aluzky for the excellent work he’s been doing and congratulate him for his successful trolling of bigots – showing them to be the violent, hypocritical monsters that they are.

Fausty: Absolutely! Hat’s off for solid activism, top to bottom. And second, wanted to offer any support we might be able to provide when it comes to whatever happens next. Bigots love to pretend that, as zoos, we’re isolated and alone and vulnerable to their candyassed abuse. We’re not – I know the truth of this as well as anyone. When I was being persecuted and demonised by bigots, this community stood by me and we now stand by Aluzky, come what may. I’m sure he knows he can reach out to us, however is convenient, and we’ll stand ready to do all we can.

Toggle: Absolutely.

fausty; For folks wanting to follow along firsthand on twitter, please be aware that there’s oceans of fake “Aluzky” twitter accounts out there created by bigots.

Toggle: Good point. Bigots are so confident in the rightness of their bigotry that they resort to dishonest shit like making fake accounts in the name of zoos and posting fake shit on them to point to and say “see how dishnest zoos are!”

Fausty: Which yeah… the hypocrisy is beautiful in its purity. And yeah, there’s lots of false-flag “Alyzky” twitter accounts out there – beware. If you’re not sure which is which, DM us and we’ll point you at the legit one.

Toggle: They’ve also done the “fake screenshot” thing to try to make it look like he’s said stuff he’s never said.

Fausty: Yup. Because twelve-year-old gamer morons are super amazing with photoshop and they know how to paste fake text into screenshots. Amaaaaazing tech wizardry!

Toggle: Activism comes in all sorts of flavours, and what Aluzky’s been doing is creative and courageous and sure as hell it makes an impact.

Fausty: Sometimes it takes balls to stand up to a screaming mob of violent bigots. I’d know. And we’re entirely supportive of folks like him who have the balls to do it well. Hat’s off.

Toggle: Hats off.

Outro

Fausty: Thanks, friends, for listening to Zooier Than Thou.

Toggle: Our next full moon episode is about being healthy, happy, and zooey.

Fausty: It’s gonna be well worth the wait, so don’t miss it for anything! Not even well-endowed pitbulls.

Vee: You can subscribe to the podcast via our RSS feed: just point your favourite podcast client at rss.zoo.wtf and off you go. You can even find us on Spotify, Youtube, Alexa, and Voldemort’s evil podcast scheme. If you don’t see Zooier Than Thou in your favorite podcast directory, drop us a note so we can rectify that tragic error!

Fausty: Our podcast’s website is, for reasons still known only to Toggle, zoo.wtf. Twitter @ZooierThanThou, and you can follow Zooey’s knotty advice @AskZooey. Follow Fausty @lecontespink — though I strongly recommend against it — and Toggle @OneBigGrumpyRat — for underground rap lyrics. Don’t be contumacious! Do it now!

Toggle: A reminder that we have a form that enables anonymous submissions to the podcast on our website, zoo.wtf! You can also e-mail us at [email protected] You can share your recipes for delicious stallion semen mojitos, Ask Zooey about stud dog sheaths, or mail us a batch of fresh canine fortune cookies!

Vee: You can contact co-host Fausty through his website, fausty.org, but I strongly recommend you don’t. It’s getting a little musky over there.

Fausty: Fight the patriarchy by sharing this episode of Zooier Than Thou with all your misogynist friends. We’re lookin’ at you, Jordan Petersen.

Vee: All nonhumans overseeing production of this episode are disgusted by human sexism, because seriously, what the fuck?

Toggle: If you stare into the void, the void will stare back. Wink at a mare, and she may just wink back, too!

Fausty: This is old man Fausty, and I may be old and broken down, but incels are pathetic. Be nice to each other, zoos of all gender flavors. It’s still the sexiest, zooiest thing you can do.

Vee: This is Vee, and if you’d like to summon me, draw a reverse pentacle in virgin lawyer’s blood, add a clove of roasted garlic, and read excerpt A from page 269 from your Treasured Copy of the Book of Zooish Lesbomancy.

Toggle: And this is Toggle, calling in too gay to work tomorrow, just like everyday before, and you’ve almost finished listening to Zooier Than Thou! Stay Defiant, fellow zoos! We’ll see you next time you feel like howling at the moon!