Concept: Lovecat

Execution: Toggle

Special Guests: Michael Kiok and Komet of ZETA Verein

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

zeta-verein.de

Danish Animal Ethics Council: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1sAzw96UUDztRv7n6_3C611Bv36O03mWu

Music

“Reawakening,” “Lobby Time,” “Acid Trumpet,” “Bossa Antigua,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Hawaiian Dreams”
royalty free Music by Giorgio Di Campo for FreeSound Music
http://freesoundmusic.eu
https://www.facebook.com/freemusicfor…
https://youtube.com/freesoundmusic
original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5vk0VRxsPs

“Sax Sexual,” by Smooth Jazz Sax Instrumentals, from the album “After Dark Jazz”

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Secret Zoo 1

Interview with Michael Kiok and Komet – ZETA Verein

Secret Zoo 2

Zooey in Kahului

Personal Ad – Randy the Ram

Outro

Concept: Lovecat

Execution: Lovecat, Toggle

Special Guests: Lovecat, Kyon, Doodle Donkey, and Steeeve

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

“Understanding Bestiality and Zoophilia” by Hani Miletski
http://drmiletski.com/e_book.html

Music

“Midnight Tale,” “Sinfonia Number 5,” “Lobby Time,” “Acid Trumpet,” “Bossa Antigua,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Secret Zoo – The Last Unicorn

Interview with Steeeve – Tales of Zoo History

Zoo Poetry Theater

Ask Zooey

Outro

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Music

“Shades of Spring,” “Modern Jazz Samba,” “Lobby Time,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

Check out Carreen Maloney’s book at:

www.uniquelydangerous.com

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Legal Beagles Introduction

Outro

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Special Guests: Canis Gnosis and Anziris

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

Music

“Airport Lounge,” “Clear Waters,” “Lobby Time,” “Whiskey on the Mississippi,” “Bossa Antigua,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,”
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

“Sax Sexual,” by Smooth Jazz Sax Instrumentals, from the album “After Dark Jazz”

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

Transcript to follow

Intro/E-mails

Sponsors

Betty’s Bestiality Brothel

Secret Zoo

Healthy, Happy, Zooey

Zoo Poetry Theater

Ask Zooey

Eulogy – Zeke

Outro

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Special Guest Host: Vee

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

Music

“Lobby Time,” “Frozen Star,” “Acid Trumpet,” “Symphonia No. 5 by Bach,” “Brandenburg Concerto No. 4,” “Blue Ska,” “Monkeys Spinning Monkeys,” “Investigations,” “Gymnopedie No. 1,” “Night on the Docks,” “Long Stroll,” “Bossa Antigua,” “Airport Lounge,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Variety Show Segment Intro Tv Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “Radio Show Finale Fanfare,” “Old Time Radio American Music,”  
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

(transcript not fully complete)

Disclaimer/Intro

(The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains mature content and language, and may not be appropriate for younger audiences. Thanks for understanding.)

Fausty: Greetings, fellow zoos, and welcome to a very voluptuous episode of Zooier Than Thou. I’m Fausty, an old dog still learning new tricks.

Toggle: I’m Toggle, and I haven’t been called any interesting epithets in the past two weeks.

Vee: And I’m Vee, the Lesbian daughter of the mega-corporate owner of this podcast, and the penultimate source of pussy for this episode.

Fausty: And we’ll be your chauffeurs this evening!

Toggle: First off, thanks a ton for joining us tonight, Vee! It’s been getting a bit testosterone-y in here, lately. Big, macho bravado from SOMEONE here startin’ to stink up the place.

Fausty: I will absolutely take the blame for any and all testosterone-fueled displays of bravado, as, you know, the only one of us with balls.

Vee: Now, now, boys, you can measure your dicks — and your balls — later on.

Toggle: Fair enough. We’re just really stoked you can bring some much-needed feminine energy to our little sausage fest of a podcast.

Vee: Ah, yes. This recording booth is starting to smell a bit too much like prohibition beer and shitty dad jokes.

Toggle: The dad jokes are on me, sorry.

Vee: I would also like to take a moment to give a shout out to the ladies over at ZooVille, who are stalwart in holding down the fort against the influx of douchebags that have been kind of flooding the forums as of late. I’ve been away from the place more recently myself, but it’s nice to see that they are able to stand firm in the face of loudmouths who want to push us out of the community.

Fausty: Have you been dealing with a lot of that lately?

Vee: Actually, yes.

Toggle: I have to say that I’ve seen some rather toxic discourse on the site lately. I popped in to talk with some people about this apparently timely episode, and found myself dealing with incels, which I didn’t expect.

Fausty: Yeesh.

Toggle: We’ll definitely be tackling this subject a bit more in a few minutes. But first—

Vee: E-mails!

Toggle: Exactly!

Fausty: Alright, let’s dig into the mailbag and see what we’ve got.

Toggle: First up, Dog Park Princess writes: “So I have been listening to all of your podcasts while I am exercising and it takes my mind off the work and makes fitness fun – the only thing I wish is that they were weekly instead of bi-weekly! But no matter, I can tell that a lot of work goes into each one and they turn out absolutely wonderful.”

Fausty:

Toggle: You guys are trying to kill me. Twice a month is already too much! But seriously, we love hearing that folks enjoy the podcast so much! Thanks a ton! Vee, can you read the next part?”

Vee: Certainly. Dog Park Princess continues: “I enjoyed listening to the limericks and was inspired to write my own:

“My doggy can screw – That is certainly true,

And I have to admit that he’s better than you…

Since the size of his dick

is as long and as thick

As a human man if he had two!”

Toggle: (laughs)

Vee: Truly inspired.

Fausty: You can’t argue with facts.

Toggle: We should bring back more limericks.

Vee: So many fucking limericks.

Fausty: We could do a whole episode of just reading limericks, and I think everyone would be just as happy.

Vee: I mean, they’re about horse ass and dog weenie. Who wouldn’t?

Toggle: Right? Thanks a ton, Princess! That was awesome!

Vee: Up next, we have one from Flower. Flower writes: “Hey there! I’m super excited to contribute to the podcast!

I am a 19-year-old sophomore university student. I just recently joined ZooVille after getting more interested in getting to know others who share similar interests in zoophilia and bestiality. I have received so many warm welcomes and pieces of advice on this board. Having gotten these feelings at a young age, I’ve always felt deep shame about it and fear that someone would find out. I never dated any guys or girls (due to shyness and anxiety), but my pet became my lover – the type of deep romantic bond that seems to be unreal.”

Toggle: That sounds kind of beautiful.

Fausty:

Vee: I think that it’s beautiful that you were able to find companionship. But you shouldn’t let any fears or anxieties you’re having stop you from finding even more resources for love. Nothing is more wonderful than getting to grow up and experience love like that. I’m almost jealous.

Flower continues: “I’ve been able to talk to people of all different ages, races, nationalities, sexualities, and even more areas of diversity. Talking with some of the older members has really taught me to not take my access to internet resources for granted. Not only do I have a massive amount of porn at my disposal – I also have communities and resources to help guide me through my journey.”

Toggle: Yeah, it’s really cool that young zoos get to grow up and actually learn from… I guess you would say elders?

Fausty: Grey muzzles.

Toggle: Grey muzzles in the community.

Vee: It is absolutely wonderful to have terabytes of porn at your fingertips! That’s always a wonderful perk to having a community. But also, it’s great that the circle of learning and experiences are… well, they’re becoming a circle now. People who went through zoo life 30 or 40 years ago can pass on their knowledge so that younger zoos can learn from them without having to make the same mistakes or suffer the tides of this world with no guidance.

Fausty:

Vee: Flower concludes, ”I, like many others, hope for a day where zoophiles and those who practice bestiality are accepted by society. Even as a woman who is mounted by my dog whom I love and care for (i.e. I’m the passive partner in the sexual act), I am called a monster animal abuser by those who are disgusted by my love and sexuality. Men have it even worse; even though most who take the “top” role in their relationships are so gentle and loving towards their partners, they are even more harshly criticized than women.”

Toggle: I don’t know that men are more harshly criticized, as much as women are completely erased from the idea of what it means to be a zoo in the eyes of bigotry.

Fausty: (something something passive roles.)

Vee: (Canadian laws, penetration vs. oral)

Toggle: (yadda yadda how being a female zoo is perceived from an outside perspective)

Fausty: Alright, up next is an e-mail from… Beth?

Toggle: Beth. Yes, Beth.

Fausty: Beth.

Vee: Beth?

Toggle: Beth. Beth writes: “While zoophilia is something I’ve been into for quite some time, I only recently started to really participate in the community and really put myself out there. I started out on beast forum. I joined a bit after high school and really just lurked on the forum for a while. I eventually started posting and started receiving messages. Most of them were very nice but some were…..very off-putting to say the least. Being the still shy girl I was at the time I took a break from the site. I spent a few years off and on that site. I met a lot of cool people and even met some in person. Right before beast forum died I heard about art of zoo. I’ve been way more active than ever in the community on there. I became even more active after finally being mounted.”

Vee: Congratulations!

Toggle: Is being mounted like having a Bat Mitzvah?

Vee: It’s more like a baby shower for your canine hymen.

Toggle: The first time is always a memorable experience.

Fausty:

Toggle: Beth continues: “My experiences at first were a mixed bag of people actually trying to talk and creeps trying to get free pics or into my pants if they were in the area. That is the part that was a bit off putting despite more people just wanting to chat. Eventually on the tail end of beast forum I met a very local owner and after months of chatting we finally met in person. By that point we had both shifted to art of zoo. This is where it gets a bit more interesting since now I’m a woman with experience and pics/ videos from it.

Being a female in this community, one of the biggest issues is the amount of guys who feel entitled to your time, pics and attention. Before my experience I was talking to several people, mostly guys since there tends to be a larger percentage of guys on sites like these. After my experience there were guys consistently asking for pics. I hadn’t really planned on sharing them and said no. Later on, the site wanted to do an interview. I decided to do it and share a couple pics for it. There were a couple guys upset that I was sharing it for the interview but not sharing all of my pics with them and felt a way about it. I had to squash that fast. I was worried I would get more like that after it was posted but oddly enough it was just curious dudes who were polite and a couple of ladies who had genuine questions.”

Vee: Yeah, it is unfortunately not uncommon if you put out any kind of media, you open yourself up to anything from people that just get a little too interested for your comfort zone, to totally greedy creeps. It’s nice to put up content for the community and receive feedback and trade experiences, but it also opens you up to people feeling entitled to your very existence. And the infuriating thing is that no one cares. And the most common response is like, “Just block them.” But that doesn’t stop them. You pull the head off the weed, and there’s gonna be like sixteen more in its place.

Toggle: I will say, as a gay guy, I have been asked for videos, but I’ve never had anyone get really creepy about it. It’s usually like, “Hey, you’re a zoo. Do you have any pictures? It’s cool if not, but…” You know. Kind of understanding that this might not be something you want to share. BUT, thinking about it, Grindr is a place that I think I can relate to some of that, because… I dunno. People think you owe them pictures. Why do guys think other people owe them stuff?

(Conversation about Grindr and ZooVille solicitations)

Fausty: What’s next?
Vee: Here’s one from Dragoness! She writes, “I just find this wholescale women hate thing to be a very hard pill to swallow (pardon the pun!) And I’m sure there’s equal hatred on the other side of the coin.”

Toggle: I can’t decide if she’s saying she doesn’t believe that women get a lot of hate, or if she doesn’t understand WHY women get a lot of hate.

Fausty: What do you think, Vee?

Vee: As another woman who has been in the zoo community since her teen years i can say that to maybe some it is a hard pill to swallow but its not unthinkable. Hatred toward minorities and women are evident in every community. Even in Lgbtq communities bisexual women (and males and nonbinary people as well) face erasure, and being a bisexual and a woman you are seen as impure or gross to some lesbians, and just a play thing to straight couples. Or like in gaming communities, woman are bashed, trolled, bullied and generally not allowed to be themselves. So where as for some the pill may be hard to swallow i think its about time we take it and start fixing shit!

Toggle: I think Dragoness is trying to allow that there are women who hate guys just as much, and I think yes. Certainly, that’s true. But I think that it’s hard to suggest, given my experience, that the effects of misandry are as significant in our community as the effects of misogyny.

Fausty:

Vee: Dragoness continues: “Either way, it’s this separatist behavior that enables more hatred in the world, in the zoo lifestyle and in all areas of life. It is our differences that make us important and special, but it shouldn’t be a reason to hate, vilify, exclude or help to tear us apart more.”

Toggle: Elk yeah.

Fausty: Couldn’t agree with that sentiment more. I think it’s fair to say that we’ve founded our podcast based on that very principle.

Vee:”Having become more comfortable with bestiality, I’ve also joined another page called zoosbook and a kik group. As with all these online platforms, people hide behind their screens. You don’t know them, or even who they really are. As it happens, I’ve not been abused on ZooVille or these other platforms. Only by a guy in the kik group I was in. He started by asking me (the usual 🙄) questions about whether I’d ever taken a 9 inch cock and how I wouldn’t be able to take it. When I told him that I didn’t like the way he spoke to me, he verbally abused me stating that I was a disease on society, mentally deranged and should be locked up. He then said he’d found me on Facebook, which to me, was scarier than anything else.

I’ve since done some changes and more lockdowns, but I suppose you can’t close the gate once the horse has bolted!”

Toggle: Christ.

Vee: It is good to hear that you’ve not had to deal with any bs on zooville thus far. There will always be people in the world looking to be assholes for no reason or for following their own dogmatic state of mind. But it is saddening to hear your toxic experiences in the community in other groups. It seems to be almost a trend in communities when a man is getting too comfortable with their selfish indulgent desires that if they are denied — most particularly by women — Their first response is to alienate, insult and try to disconnect you from whatever community it is you are part of. Threats of being outed or shamed on vulnerable networks like facebook or twitter namely are terrifying. So always try to disconnect your identity with your zoo identity. Become that spicy dog cock loving ethereal goddess you’ve always dreamed of personifying! And when it comes to irl stuff with people you trust, just be (insert x name here) the spicy dog cock loving goddess! But not made of pixels! 😀

Fausty:

Vee: The Dragoness concludes: “Misogyny and sexism I’ve dealt with all my life. This hatred for bestiality is new! How do you deal with it? I get it that some ppl are against it and think its wrong. But hey, up until recently homosexuality was listed in the DSM as a psychological disorder!”

Toggle: Honestly? Mix a bit of self-confidence with a strong support network and community, sprinkle in the knowledge that all these bigots are full of shit, and you’ve got a nice cocktail for dealing with their bullshit.

Fausty:

Vee: Personally I return to my network of people that I trust and have, but that is something that I have built over time and can rely on. It may not be the same for you, if you are alone with the secret of being a zoo start networking! Nothing helps unwind after dealing with some asshats bigotry like being able to recede into the loving arms of someone who accepts you.

Toggle: Our final e-mail comes from Wendy Darling.

Fausty: Where do you get these names from?

Toggle: Look, I just read what’s on the script. Wendy writes, “I appreciate that you’re wanting to talk about women zoos since it’s very much something overlooked. I do not consider myself zoo exactly since I’m also attracted to humans equally as I am animals, so I’m not sure if my input would actually count.”

Fausty: It does.

Toggle: “I think my main question would be if men think that being zoo exclusive is solely a male sexuality like some users here on ZooVille do, that if women can also be Zoosexual. And if male Zoos who were born knowing they only liked animals for relationships dislike the male ones who say they “went Zoo” because they had a bad relationship. Aka, “Women are all cheating nagging harpies. I went Zoo because dogs and horses don’t talk back and do what I want.” Or men who say they “went Zoo” just for sex because they say a bitch or mare is ten times better at sex than a woman, and didn’t do it for actual relationship purposes.”

Fausty: Is this a thing, that only men can be zoosexual?

Vee: I think there’s a growing presence of redpilled zoos on ZooVille who express these views.

Toggle: Yeah, gross. Zoosexuality isn’t just a male thing. Women can definitely be sexually attracted to animals. Also, not being zoo-exclusive doesn’t make you any less of a zoophile. I have a human husband, but I still get fucked by dogs, so I mean…

Fausty:

Toggle: Wendy continues: “Female zoo exclusives are more uncommon than males, and honestly I think it has a lot to do with society still pushing that women NEED to be in a relationship to have kids. A single woman is berated more than a single man. I also believe a lot of exclusivity is because of failure with human relationships, and men seem to have this more than women by far from what I’ve seen here and on other zoo/beast sites over the years. Obviously that’s not all, I’ve talked with many exclusive men who were both sweet and respectful.. however those were only ones who believe they were born exclusive from the start. Ones who tend to show or support the MGTOW lifestyle are more hostile. There’s nothing inherently wrong with giving up on relationships and focusing on yourself, but so many men do it out of spite and hate. It would be nice to delve into that in the Zoo world as to why men do it but it’s rare for women to.”

Fausty: OK, so what is Migtow?

Vee: Men Going Their Own Way. It’s a branch off of the men’s rights movement that encourages men to give up pursuing relationships with women in service of a greater purpose.

Fausty: Sounds pretty gay.

Toggle: You’re not expected to fuck other guys instead. Because that would be gay.

Fausty: What does this have to do with zoos?

Vee: There’s a growing presence of incels and “zoopilled” people on ZooVille which are spouting these ideas.

Toggle: It’s kind of insane, to be perfectly honest.

Fausty:

Vee:

Fausty: Thanks to everyone who sent us in e-mails for this episode, and thanks too all the folks who contacted us through other media as well!

Toggle: So, today’s topic, broadly, is about women in our zoo community. I really wanted to discuss this topic because I noticed in my own zoo groups, there weren’t a lot of women present and visible, and many of the zoophile studies I’ve seen passed around completely ignore women entirely. To me, as a beta male soyboy cuck, it seems like there’s a little bit of erasure of female zoosexual identity both within our community and from without. On top of that, I can’t help but notice there’s an element of misogyny that’s present in the community, and the degree to which I’ve witnessed it has actually risen since I first started trying to put this episode together. But, obviously, I don’t want to dominate this conversation, which is why we’ve invited Vee to guest host, and Ashley Wolf as our interview guest. So, that’s the introduction. Vee, would you like to start us off?

Vee:

(Zoo Bystanders)

(How zoosexual women are erased by mainstream perceptions of what a zoophile is)

(Incels, the zoo pill, zoo exclusivity)

(Creating a space that’s not alienating for women in our community)

(Women’s POSITIVE experiences in the zoo community)

(What it means to be a zoo for women)

Toggle: Don’t touch whatever device you’re streaming this show from. There’s a bunch more zooey goodness coming up, after this!

This Episode’s Sponsors

Announcer: This week’s podcast is sponsored by:

Knotella: Start your day right, and spread that creamy canine goodness all over your muffin!

And also by:

Farmer John’s Natural Deodorant and Body Wash: for when your human smells too, well, human. Now available in three new scents: “Fresh hay,” “Spring dirt bath,” and “Chewed up tennis ball.”

And finally:

By X chromosomes, and people who have two of them.

Mrs. Mixies’ Treats for Humans

Announcer: Is your human a tired, anxious ball of nerves? Are you sick of watching it struggle to understand even the simplest concepts like pack loyalty, or hunting strategy, or how to keep its “car” clean inside?

Cat 1: Christ. Yes.

Announcer: Give your human the simple, low-cost, good-tasting feedback it so desperately needs with Mrs. Mixies Treats for Two-Leggers! Perfect for a species so dim it nearly managed to wipe out life on our entire planet. Reward its not-dumb behaviours with something simple and, well… simple. And what hits that so-so-simple spot?

Dog 1: Mrs. Mixies?

Announcer: Yes, Mrs. Mixies! Reward your human for its shambolic attempts at logic with a sweet treat from Mrs. Mixies kitchen. Did your human play fetch with you today without the need for constant corrections? Treat it to some Mixies! Did your human find the perfect spot where you needed a good scritch? Treat it to some Mixies! Humans are just the most precious little skinbags, aren’t they? Of COURSE they are! So treat them and show them, in a way even their crippled human brains understand, that you don’t hate them.

Dog 2: Any time my human remembers what it was supposed to be doing around the den or with the pups or whatnot, I give it a Mixies. Treats always brightens its mood, and now it seems to feel less confused all the time – what a blessing!

Horse 1: Ever since I started using Mixies, it’s been easier to train my human to keep on top of those awful thistles that keep popping up in our pasture. Sure, it struggles with a complex task like this, but with Mixies at least I have a way to tell it that it isn’t totally incompetent… with a language even it can understand. Sorta dumb, we all know those humans are, but also soooo cute!

Announcer: Humans are crazy for Mrs. Mixies special, addictive blend of caffeine and sugar, packed in a vaguely healthy (or anyhow not aggressively unhealthy) bite with essential human vitamins and minerals, and coated in delicious flavors your human will go crazy for. Now available in Spicy Sriracha, Crunchy Peanut Butter, Vansterdam Avocado Toast, and – a favourite of those precious “senior” humans, especially – Palatable Liver Flavor!

Cat 1: Wow, my human worships me even more than before! It understands that treats mean it didn’t do an oopsie or dig up my catnip or any other stupid human thing – so it doesn’t have its spirit crushed by how dumb it really is. And that’s as best we can hope, isn’t it? I mean, they’re cute – but nobody said they were any smarter than even a kitten who still has yet to open her eyes. And we love them just as they are – no matter what anyone else might say.

Dog 1: How did I live without Mrs. Mixies? My human used to be so unruly, but now it – or should we call it “he” after we got it fixed so it doesn’t try to hump my shoulder? – gets excited when I bring it my leash. It really understands, I think… or maybe it just likes Mixies so much that it’s happy all the time. Either way, I’m happy with the results so far. It won’t ever be a real pack member, obviously… but at least it can feel like it’s doing something right.

Announcer: You’ve never seen a two-legger do zoomies like this before! But wait – there’s more! Now, available only in certain states, Mrs. Mixie’s comes with a therapeutic dose of THC, to help your anxious humans relax. Who needs expensive SSRIs or sedatives purchased in some dark alley when it comes to human separation anxiety syndrome? Mixies has got your human covered, and it’ll settle in no time once that THC hits full-force.

Cat 2: (unconcerned) My humans go bonkers for it when they’ve had their Mixies. Sometimes that means they’re too wacked to handle basic tasks like laser-pointer pointing, but whatever – it’s super funny to watch. Humans are dumb, but dumb in a cute way. Sometimes.

Dog 2: I can tell my human is happier now. It is always excited to play with me, and love on me, and its kisses are so much less nasty than before! Sure, it’s not a real person – but at least it doesn’t smell quite so much like everything wrong with the world. That’s a start. Thanks, Mrs. Mixies!

Announcer: Mrs. Mixies Treats for Two-Leggers, now available everywhere human treats are sold! Remember: to others, it’s only a human… but to you, it’s almost like it’s sort of a kind of halfway-part-of-the-family adjunct partial person! That’s worth a treat… and they’re soooo cute, aren’t they?

Secret Zoo

Announcer: Here at Zooier Than Thou, we’ve made it something of a tradition to explore, each full moon episode, a bit of zooish history in the form of a Secret Zoo. That is, someone we all know, a part of our shared culture, who it turns out is actually a part of the grand tradition of zooish human awesomeness. From Shadowfax (and his human, some old guy with a long beard) to the inestimable Rin Tin Tin and his human (whom he loved very much, and very deeply), each Secret Zoo is a great chance to learn more about the wonders of zooish history. But, this month, we’ve pulled out all the stops in service of a Secret Zoo that’s out of this world. Literally. We asked our legendarily great-maned Great Dane herself, Miss Zooey, to breach the walls of the Afterlife to answer a question on the minds of zoos everywhere. Sure, she was Great. But, was Catherine really… one of us? Without further ado, it’s… Zooey!

Zooey:: Fabulous I am, and fabulous I’m known as far and wide. Adulation and adoration are a natural part of being me. And yet, when this month’s challenge was put to me with such manners and such earnest hopefulness, I knew I’d have to dig deep. Really, really deep. And, just happens that in addition to fabulousness without bounds, I’m about as deep in deep as a Dane can get… which is damned deep indeed! Deep, as in “Dearest Zooey, we need to know – the zoo community needs to know: Catherine the Great, the legendary ruler of Mother Russia in the 18th Century… born a Prussian princess, ascending to empress of a grand country on the verge of dissolution, a woman hugely successful in the crippling confines of an all-male European ruling class, a woman who knew what she wanted and knew how to go about making it so, well… we all know the silly rumour of her stallion-involved death were nothing but petty imagination after her death, and yet we still want to know, need to know: was Catherine the Great a legitimate, in-the-bones, fully-fleshed zoo? One of us? Zooey, please, only you can get the answer, and to do so you must cross over to the Afterlife, and ask the Great Catherine Herself!” Well, that’s a tall order even for a tall glass of fantastic such as I… but there is no try – only do – when it comes to Zooey’s dedication. Off I went….

Announcer: That’s right, Zooey used her bubbling, fecund, orgasmic Great Dane magicks to inside-tie deep within the Cosmos itself. That’s right, she crossed over. To the Afterlife. Just like that, she was there…

Zooey:: Well hello there ladies and gents and oh my so many beautfic mares and prancing, handsome stallions! And dogs, and bitches, and dolphins, and critters great and small! The Afterlife, in all its glory. And I must say, not many lacking-legs, naked monkeys here in comparison to the four-legged smorgasboard of murrs set out before my lusty eyes. Sir? Sir! Would you have a moment, my large friend?

Draft Stallion: Good day, little lady… and may I I say, you’ve quite the gorgeous mane, that you most certainly do! And – deep nicker – no offense intended but, well… a fella can’t help but drop into such a pleasant surprise as this! And what – apart from the obvious service of service – can an gentleman such as myself offer a fine lady such as you?

Zooey:: Oh my oh my oh Dog Almighty herself! The Afterlife, with handsome hunks like you, is everything I’d dreamed and so much more… that sheath is no dream, if my eyes tell true, and what’s emerged from its bountiful confines is most certainly befitting of Heaven itself.

Draft Stallion: No offense intended, Ma’am, but this is no “Heaven.” That was just a silly human fairytale. They told themselves they’d have run of the great pastures in the sky – humans and nobody else – can you believe it? Silly, it was, and it’d be silly to think anything but. No, Ma’am, this is the Afterlife and whilst we did vote to let in some of our small, loud, selfish friends – it’s best to keep an open mind, innit? – mostly its us four-legged folks and our various friends, here.

Zooey:: Ah, well, call it what you will but with dream-worthy wonders like you here, to me it’s heavenly whatever the name. And these humans I see… most seem like they’re, well… for example there’s that most-pleased-seeming woman over there engaged in a most beautiful tie with what I can’t help but think is a Moose of a canine fellow, befitting Ghengis himself. And she’s not the only one: there’s Rinty himself, balls-deep in his beloved Lee and the both of them radiating what I’d say is heavenly delight. And those mares over there… oh, my oh my – with adoring “little stallions” like those on the oral job, it’s no wonder they’re happy has horses can be. Seems all the humans are…

Draft Stallion: Yes indeed, Ma’am. Most al the humans here, they’re invited alongside their nonhuman mates, that they are. There’s no rule that it’s zoos-only on the human side of things… but it’s a damned rare sight indeed to see an unaccompanied human make the grade. Mother herself, well… she’s not to keen on most humans, that’s the long and short of it. But the ones wise enough to find love with nonhuman partners? They’ve got a toe – and sometimes a bit more than a toe, if I might say – in the door where it counts most. And we’re glad to have them, that we are! It may be the Afterlife and whatnot, and I may be a draft stallion right out of the Dreamtime… but even here, I don’t have thumbs and those humans sure are good with an AV when it comes time to cum, as it were, as they say… whoo, yessir… those thumbs and what they can do? I say that humans have plenty to offer, even missing two legs as they are. Welcome here, any time – so long as they arrive with an AV hot and ready for some action!

Zooey:: My good man, I must say I’ve some skills with just such a tool as you describe, and thumbs well-trained, and we might just make some time to make some gel and all that comes therafter – I bet that’s an impressive load indeed! But, first, duty calls. May I aask of you one small question – my big, bodacious boy?

Draft Stallion; Well, ahem, that you most certainly may. Don’t mind my slapping, M’lady… all this talk of hot AVs and gel fractions has me, well, thinking with my biggest muscle, a we stallions like to say…

Zooey:: Amoungst stallions may be just the place to find what I’m looking for. Would you perhaps know if Catherine the Great, the legend herself, made the cut and made it here to the Afterlife? She’s said to have a way with the stallions, if I may be some blunt…

Draft Stallion: Cathy? The Great One herself? Well certainly she’s here – why wouldn’t she be? And a way with the studs? That’s not giving half the credit she deserves, for she’s a one who knows her way around a flare, that she is! I believe she’s just ’round the corner of the Breeding Barn of Bliss, if my ears tell true… she, and her latest equine paramour, who sounds like he’s having the time of his life. And no surprise, for either, not one bit.

Zooey:: My thanks, and you – big handsome – hold that though that’s got your chest all a spunky wonderland and I’ll be back in a jiffy to see if these Afterlife AVs can handle draft-stallion-plus endowments like that!

{sound of walking, a bit of panting, and Zooey mumbling about “haven’t see a man – you name the species, honey, and no need to leave the whale fellas aside – with that kind of firepower between the legs since… well since forever…oh, oh my oh my, what have we here!}

Catherine:: Oh, I see we’ve an audience, Bucephalus – wonder if she’s as good in bed as her gorgeous Great Dane looks would have us believe? Shall we invite her for a small session with the two of us, Bucky? What say you?

Bucephalus Catherine, my dear, your wish is my command. Alexander is off for the day – remedial anger management lessons for all eternity, the price he paid to accompany me here in spite of… well, all that badness of his – and I’m yours to command as you see fit.

Catherine:: Come over here, darling, and don’t be shy. Bucky here won’t hurt you… not unless you decide to try on his flare for yourself, and in that case it’s on you if those beautiful eyes of yours are hungrier than those flanks can accommodate. He’s no draftie, Bucky, but he’s a ways ahead of any Great Dane you’ll ever meet, in the endowment arena. Dont’ be shy, now! Give Bucky a nice squeeze and he’ll share some hair product better than anything you’ve ever tried, that I most certainly assure you to be true.

Zooey:: Can’t disagree one bit, Miss… Catherine. Can’t disagree: nothing like gel, fresh from the tap, to keep things smooth and slick and tight ’round the ears! First, if I may, a small question of historical import… though, from the looks of things, I’m pretty sure I know the way of it already, Miss Catherine. Still, for the record and for the ages…

Catherine:: Yes, young woman? What’s on your tongue – surely it’s not Bucky’s seed, not yet anyhow, and it must be something important indeed to delay such an important rendezvous. Ask it, and let’s be about our equine endeavours, two ladies and one most legendary man.

Zooey:: Well, it’s clear that the story of your death, and the stallion, and the “malfunctioning apparatus” and, well, it’s hardly worth even mentioning…

Catherine:: Oh that silly story? It doesn’t take a zooish history maven to know that, no, I didn’t die when some apparatus malfunctioned and a stallion fell on me mid-coitus. How silly! Only someone utterly ignorant of the ways of equine men would misunderstand so badly the mechanics of human-stallion carnal pleasures. An apparatus? Collapsing? The only thing that collapses in such situations is any sane woman’s inhibitions, once he enters her and fills her very soul in ways only us equine zoos will ever truly understand. So, no, there was no death by malfuction and unfortunately my transition to this zooish Afterlife of dreams was as mundane and quotidian as it gets: a stroke, that’s what did me in. Too much good food, too little sex – that was the fatal flaw! More sex, and I’d have kept in better fighting trim, that’s what Alex and Bucky tell me – and I think they’re as right as can be, that they are.

Zooey:: Yes of course, and my thanks for the gracious answer. Even the most cloistered canine zoo knows that there’s no apparatus needed when stallions and women love each other very, very much – malfuctions, indeed! Only malfuction there is the non-zoo malfunction of thinking that anyone past kindergarten would misunderstand such a simple sex act, so badly and so weirdly. Well, and not to pry, so please don’t feel I’m pressuring you for a reply, but if I may…

Catherine:: It doesn’t take a lifetime of rule to read what you’re about to ask, and you need not fear my wrath, little lady, for it’s all for the good: Yes, yes of course I’m “of the community,” as we said in my time. As zooish as you, yourself most certainly appear to be. Zooish as a barn full of lusty mares with only the stableboy to do yoeman’s service. Zooish as dear Alex and Bucky, those two randy gentleman with their endless appetites for each other’s surfeit of seed! Zooish as… well, you get the point, I’d think, and Bucky here’s getting impatient if his handsome stallionhood is any measure of things, so let’s not muddle about a moment longer than is necessary for community good taste: Yes, yes I was and yes I am: Princess, Empress… and Zooish throughout. T’was the stallions who captured my heart – and all the rest – though I can’t say I turned down a stud dog with that special sparkle in his eyes… nor, from time to time, a human male if he could hold his own in this sort of heavy company. Some could, yes indeed… no Ptomekin village could fake what those gentlemen provided me when the call went out. No, no… they earned their place in my bed – even if, of course, they could never measure up to the equine heroes of my dreams.

Zooey:: Well, my thanks for that – settles the question, just like that. And now, if I may… Bucky, what’s your pleasure: hands, tongue, lips… or all the above?

Bucephalus Nickers deeply….

Announcer: And, dear listeners, there you have it! Catherine was Great, that she was: a great example of zooish savoir-faire and zooish self-confidence. A woman as comfortable in her own sexuality as she was in the barn, coupled with her favourite new young stallion, the two of them turning noblesse oblige on its cross-species head! A Secret Zoo no more, Catherine takes her place amoungst the greats of our great zoo community. And, stay tuned, for more Zooier Than Thou…

helpsavemy.dog

Fausty: Last episode, we’d briefly mentioned an opportunity for Zooier Than Thou listeners to take a tragic situation and make it right. So here’s the details.

Toggle: You can find all this information and more at a domain we registered to use for this particular task: helpsavemy.dog.

Fausty: Wow, that’s an amazingly cute and creative domain name! Who came up with that, Toggle?

Toggle: I did.

Fausty: Yes, you most certainly did.

Toggle: A few months ago, we got wind of a really nasty situation. Friend of a friend heard about this dog who had been shot, for no reason, and left paralyzed. And the dog’s owner was struggling to afford surgery to get the dog back up and running.

Fausty: Yep. So we’ve tracked down the details, and we decided that we are going to – we, listeners to the podcast and we as the zoo community – we are going to raise the funds to get this surgery done. And Toggle’s awesome domain name points to the fundraising page, so that’s where we can go to put our funds to work on this one.

Toggle: Fausty said, last episode, that it’s within our power to make this tragedy into something good. And that’s exactly what we’re doing here: we’re raising the funds to get this surgery done, so that Jason’s dog can walk again.

Fausty: without further ado, here’s Jason himself to tell us a bit about this nighmarish situation.

….

Toggle: This really is a tragedy.

Fausty: It is. The miraculous part of this is that we are able to turn this tragedy into a happy ending. Jason is a solid guy – in the months I’ve been talking with him on and off, that’s been really clear to me. And even though this isn’t a specifically zooish thing, it’s the right thing for us to do. He’ll do the rest of the work, and all he needs is a little help with the cost of the surgery. That’s something we, together, can do – we can make this right.

Toggle: go to helpsavemy.dog…

Fausty: Great domain name, Toggle!

Toggle: Why thanks, fausty! Yes go to helpsavemy.dog and donate what you can, so we can make this right. I’m donating, Fausty’s donating…

Fausty: We’re doing this, yup. So donate what you can, and tell others you know so they can help out, as well. Once the funds are available, we’ll keep in touch with Jason and keep everyone update on how the surgery and her recovery are going.

Toggle: This is a nice, straightforward chance to make one thing right. Take a minute to do what you can, right now, and tell everyone you know that they can help out, too.

Fausty: Excellent. This is how we take bad things and make them good. And thanks, everyone, for helping to make this happen. It’s really wonderful to see.

Interview with Ashley Wolf

(transcript needed)

Ask Zooey

Zooey: Welcome back to yet another episode of Ask Zooey, the internet’s number-one cross-species intimacy advice program. I’m the host with the most & plenty to boast, Zooey!

Vee: And I’m Vee, filling in for Toggle who called in too gay to work.

Zooey: I didn’t know you could do that.

Vee: If anyone can be too gay to work, Toggle’s certainly the one.

Zooey: Well, at any rate, by now our lovely audience knows the drill: send us your most lascivious romantic tryst questions, and we’ll answer them right here on the air! We respond to texts, e-mails, DMs, and carrier pigeons.

Vee: There are several very reliable ways to reach us, so don’t be shy! Whether you’ve got a hand or a hoof or anything else afoot, we’ve got advice for you.

Zooey: Our first letter comes from Smitten in Smyrna. Smitten writes: “Dear Zooey: I’ve known I was a zoo from a young age. When I was in school, I never dated any other boys or girls. My German Shepherd was my best friend and my lover. But now that I’m in college, I’ve met someone that I really like, a two-legger, as you say. I don’t have any experience with dating humans, and I know that if we seriously look at a long-term relationship, at some point, I’ll have to be honest about my sexuality. How do I most delicately tip my toes into the water of bringing up the slightest hint of this aspect of myself?”

Vee: Wow, we’re right out of the gate and playing for keeps, tonight.

Zooey: It’s certainly a question many zoos that decide to enter into human relationships will face at some point or another. I think recognizing the downsides involved in keeping your zooish orientation secret from your human paramour is a sign that you’ve got a good sense of the rough spots this all might entail for you & your loves.

Vee: Indeed. A foundation of honesty and openness with your partner, whether they’re two-legger or four-, is the key to a successful and healthy relationship. But talking about these things in an honest and genuine way isn’t always as easy as it might seem, so you’ll have to be willing to go places that aren’t always comfortable or obvious, along the way. Each relationship is a little different, so we’ll try to give good advice for the general rule, but knowing your dynamic with your partner is an intrinsic part of doing this successfully.

Zooey: We reached out to one of our friends of the podcast who is out to her partner, and she suggests that you consider softballing the topic as a first step. Oh and soft balls… that calls up some gorgeous memories! Anyway, where were we? Yes, right: if you’re unsure, it’s always worth thinking about a spot of humor, as an icebreaker, in tickly conversations. From there, get a sense of the response and that can guide you forward with a bit more confidence, honey. In my experiences with coming out — and let’s be honest, there’s no way anyone could ever fit all this Danely gorgeousness in a closet to begin with — you can gauge a lot with a little bit of humor. Is their reaction to pretend to throw up in their mouth, or do they roll with it and joke back? Humor is a great first step, plus it’s plausibly deniable in a pinch. If you receive a reaction that doesn’t make you feel alienated, then you can carry forward with a deeper talk on the many and magical variations on the theme of human – and mammal – sexuality: gay to straight, zoo to normal, top to bottom… it’s all part of the beautiful, sexy, sticky stew that makes us the critters we are. So, great as all this is, it can still be scary to be this open with any aspect of your sexuality that’s not whitebread-boring-straight-down-the-pike routine, but Smitten, if you’re taking relationships to the next level, it’s a conversation you’ll both be glad you’ve had. Coming at it with some fun and a lot less of the heavy seriousness that might seem tempting is a great way to get things going with good energy right from the start. From there, it’s all about finding ways to be honest and feel safe with each other – follow your heart towards those goals, and you’ll get to good places whatever the specifics.

Vee: Pay attention to how you feel about the reaction to your humor, as well. Frankly, Smitten, if you suddenly feel like you can’t be yourself around your suitor, you may be better suited finding another lover. A relationship in which you have to hide a significant aspect of yourself is doomed to fail in a painful and spectacular way. Hiding away your sexuality breeds resentment, self-loathing, and crumbles a relationship at the foundation.

Zooey: The good news, Smitten, is that there are plenty of folks out there who are ready to accept you for everything you are. Our friend of the show from earlier said, “Dating while being a zoo has been pretty easy for me so far. When my last boyfriend found out, he was very much for it and encouraged me.“ And everyone’s favorite rat in goggles has been married for several years without having to hide his sexuality from either his husband or his various sexual partners. And, well, you know me. Zooey as a Japanese macaque —

Vee: Oh, deer!

Zooey: — yet everyone wants a piece of me, and honestly, can you blame them?

Vee: We wish you the best of luck, Smitten. You deserve a human partner that cherishes your zooish gift as it so justly deserves. Up next, we have a letter from Billy in Bakersfield. Billy writes, “Dear Zooey: Help! I got into some horny goat weed the other day and made some decisions I’m not proud of. Look, we were curious, she was in college, I was horny. Things went downhill from there, and suddenly we’re lying in a field of flowers together, the smell of human clinging to my hair, the taste of her still wet on my mouth… It was just one time. I’m not a zoophile or anything, but… college! Horny goat weed! I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I should be a virile billy and breed every doe I see on the farm, but all I can think about is that farm girl, and how soft her hands were… What does it mean if I’m into human girls? I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of change.”

Zooey: Ahh, I see you gave it the old college try – quite the try, from the sounds of things. That can be pretty confusing. Also beautiful and exciting and wondrous… and you don’t have to blame the weed for any of it, our horny young colleague.

Vee: There are times in our lives that we have an experience that challenges everything we’ve come to believe about ourselves – an experience that helps us become who we truly are, to live and love as we’re meant to do (Insert a personal experience, if you’d like to.) But Billy, here’s the truth: you can have these experiences and still be you! What you choose to do, and with whom you do it, that’s who you are! These concepts like straight, gay, or zoosexual, are merely tools we use to more easily convey something complex about ourselves to others. You aren’t doing anything other than what comes from the most beautiful centre of who you are. The labels aren’t you; you are you – and who you are is as beautiful as is the memory of the love you shared with someone new, no weed neccessary.

Zooey: I seem to recall a certain macho stallion from an earlier episode who needed similar advice! And, last we heard, he and his delicious young man have been lighting up their corner of the world with love, joy, happiness… and more raw, pounding, sweaty hot sex than any two studs of any species could ever dare to make claim to. So, a happy ending: many happy endings, all wrapped into a great big happy climax to a story this delicious Dane has brought to mind more than once when a bit of extra horsepower was needed to make everyone’s endings happy and hard and hot and all that spurts and springs up with a sexy smile… oh yes, when we find the centre of ourselves and when that centre brings us deeply into sexual splendor with a partner (or partners) primed for us and everything we are… that’s the most blazingly brilliant thing under the sun.

Vee: Ah, yes, I remember that sexy story – who doesn’t? And it’s a great reminder that being who we are is always the best we can be. So Billy, here’s my advice: any sexual activity you engage in that’s mutually consensual and enjoyable is perfectly fine. No, wait, it’s a damned sight more than just “perfectly fine” – it’s wondrous and gorgeous and it’s the best of who we all are. You aren’t defined by the words or categories that get pulled along behind the wondrous reality of what you and your lover share; they’re just words, whilst you are you! You can enjoy sex with beautiful farm girls without changing your entire identity. You ask: what does it mean? It means that you’re still the same ol’ Billy goat – and that you have even more beauty and lust and wonder in you than you previously knew.

Zooey: Now, I’m naturally fabulous and there’s not much in the way of self-deprecation to be had when the self is me, but I’ll tell you an embarrassing story about Toggle that he doesn’t want me to tell, on one condition. Listeners, all of you, promise you won’t tell him what I’m about to share because when that rat’s got a stick up his little butt, let me tell you… it’s not a fun side of him, no not one bit. Ok well a little bit, because he’s so damned cute when he’s angry! Anyhow, no no – we mustn’t tell, right? Word of honor, and all the rest…

Vee: Color me interested.

Zooey: When Toggle first discovered he was gay – and I know honey, that’s like thinking about when the sun discovered that it’s hot – he thought he had to be gay. To, well, do all those gay-type things that make being gay such a gay good time, you know? Top to bottom (and it’s Toggle, so there’s plenty of bottom going on with that sexy little rat!), he had to hit every gay button on the great big gay tree of homo. Every bloody one!

Vee: Oh, dear.

Zooey: That’s right, Vee. He put on his guyliner, tried to adopt an affectation, wore skinny jeans and pink shirts. Really hammed it up, limp wrist, Judy Garland, and all. But eventually he realized that all that wasn’t him, and that being gay wasn’t about outward displays of whatever the non-gay world had somehow decided is involved in being gay. He figured out that being gay was just another aspect of who he already was. He could wear the leather jackets and the rock band graphic tees, drop the lisp and the make-up, let go of the Streisand affectations… and still be his big ol’ gay self. Nothing had to change: Toggle was Toggle, and he’s still Toggle, and part of Toggle is being as gay as a tree full of the gayest goddamed parrots this gay world has ever seen. That’s just what being Toggle is about, a part of the whole Togglish celebration of Toggledom. And that’s the same for you (though perhaps with a whole lot less of the uber-gay): you’ve just discovered something new about who you already are.

Vee: I think it’s also fair to suggest that a one-time fling where you explored something new doesn’t necessarily mean that your entire sexuality is undergoing a radical, permanent evolution into something. It might be a first step towards that kind of evolution; equally it may well be something you tried and that isn’t a central part of who you are. Either way, it’s all good – and it’s a great part of manifesting everything great inside you: all good, no bad, no doubt, no worries.

Zooey: This is undeniably true. We’re constantly learning things about ourselves and what we like. This could just as easily be something you try and decide that it’s not for you. But, Billy, given your sexy, delicious narration of how that sensual human girl with the soft hands is always on your mind, I’d say you’ve opened a wondrous new part of your soul and that you’ll find it more than pleasurable to see where that adventure leads.

Vee: In either case, Billy, we wish you the best of luck – not that there’s likely to be much luck involved. Embrace who you are, and don’t worry about having to change to match some pre-conceived notion of what you should be. You are you, and that soft-handed young lady who caught your eye (and likely a bit more of you, to boot) is blessed to have the chance to be part of you becoming even more you. Thanks for giving us the chance to share in that, as well, and we hope you’ll drop a line when you’ve got a minute, so we can keep tabs on how things have come to be in your great adventure into the zooish beauties of sex.

Zooey: Our last letter of the night comes from a Princess in Portland. The Princess asks, “Dear Zooey: I know every dog is different in the bedroom, but I know there are some general patterns across breeds. Pitbull males are energetic and enthusiastic, but a bit smaller in girth, while Great Danes are lazy with big, fat cocks and knots. I’ve always wondered, though: What’s a husky like?”

Vee: Hmm. I don’t have any experience with that, myself.

Zooey: Oh, honey, when it comes to that sort of experience, you can trust and believe I’ve got all the answers you need. Huskies are… well, if you’re a size queen – and, let’s just get right out front with the old saw that there’s only two kinds of zoos: size queens, and liars – you might not be blushing with lust at the legendary dimensions of those handsome Husky boy bits. But queens and liars alike, there’s more to a heavenly stud lover than just the raw dimensions of his toolset and when we get into that bigger terrain, oh, those Husky heroes do have mighty long ties. And that means that if you like to go all night, your handsome Husky paramour will take you there. They can be a bit idiosyncratic with regards to enthusiasm: if they’re not into it, boy, do they let you know! But when they’re down to pound, look out! They’re a bit wolfish in their sexual preferences: they either like you, or they don’t. Not a whole lot of middle ground. Naturally, of course, they’ve always had a great time with me.

Vee: Goodness! You’re a canine cock connoisseur!

Zooey: Trust and believe, honey, this great dane knows how to bring those handsome studly canines to a place full of pleasured howls and wagging tails and everything else that comes along with the best sex of our lives. And what’s more spectacular than sharing that kind of ecstasy with someone as gorgeous, as perfect, as sublimely studly as our beloved stud dog heroes. But, that’s all the time we have for tonight! Thanks so much for tuning in! We look forward to answering all your zooey relationship questions next episode! Keep those submissions coming!

Vee: We’ll see you next time on Ask Zooey! Same zoo time, same zoo channel!

A note: Alusky

Fausty: Although this doesn’t really tie in (get it… “tie” in…) with this episode’s theme, nevertheless we’d like to make an announcement.

Toggle: Apart from an excuse to make that amazingly overdone “tie” double-entendre, which I know never gets old for you…

Fausty: gotta go right with the elder abuse theme, don’t you kiddo?

Toggle: Sure, right… elder abuse. Of course. Anyhow as I was saying but was so rudely interrupted, yes we do want to make sure we say this now instead of waiting. Fausty, would you like to do the honours?

Fausty: oh no no… ladies first!

Toggle: I’m pretty sure that’s mysogynistic but not quite sure how, and anyway yes I’ll take the lead dog role here. Right so, folks active on twitter might be aware that Aluzky, an activist zoo and vegan who has been doing some pretty impressive stuff in terms of public outreach and bigot confrontation, has been particularly effective in reporting bigots when they do the usual bigot stuff like making death threats and otherwise abusing every possible rule against antisocial bullshit that twitter has.

Fausty: Yup. So instead of just sitting back and assuming “gee, I guess bigots get to issue explicit death threats against us, because reasons,’ he reports the cowardly shitbags to twitter. And, because twitter is sort of going through the motions of pretending that it is a viable platform for healthy social interactions, it’s been – shockingly! – actually reacting to some of the death threats and whatnot from bigots by actually taking action against these bigots when they are reported.

Toggle: Well, not always and not consistently but yes – sometimes twitter actually pulls its head out of its ass for just a minute and does something right.

Fausty: Aluzky has been really effective in reporting bigots like this, and he’s gotten dozens of them banned. Well, sorta – since many such bans, for death threats and stuff, which what the fuck, are temporary – and since bigots are cowards and hide behind sock puppet accounts, many such temporary bans are just banning disposable socks, it’s more of a symbolic thing than anything else. That said, what Aluzky’s been doing in this – and in many other areas – is pretty fucking solid, and pretty fucking effective despite the caveats.

Toggle: Elk yeah! It’s effective – the bigots have been flipping the fuck out about it!

fausty; Yup. Like all hypocrites and cowards, the bigots are shocked – shocked! – that THEY are actually being held to task, however minorly, for issuing death threats and stuff. But but… what has the world coming to? Wishing death on others because you have childish problems with healthy adult sexuality isn’t actually embraced by the world? So yeah, a bunch of sock accounts have been banned after doing dumb shit – and, crucially, after Aluzky trolls them into doing dumb shit (which he’s quite good at doing) and reports them for doing.

Toggle: So, naturally, being hypocrites and such, they don’t actually react to this well.

Fausty: No, no – of course not! Instead, they start mass-reporting HIM because he has been submitting reports of their death threats and stuff. Fraudulent reports, because obviously it’s not a violation to report bigots who actually ARE violating twitter’s rules.

Toggle: Yes, however twitter is so badly broken nowadays that if a bunch of morons all hit the “report” button at the same time, that carries tons of extra weight and suddenly that fraudulent reporting becomes magically legitimate in the eyes of twitter.

faust; Yup. Now, yes, obviously a grade school coder could easily whip up an algorithm that’s smart enough not to be fooled by mass-fraud reporting like this… but that’s way above twitter’s level of technical competence here. And, yes, there’s been more than a few credible reports that the bigots have some sort of insider “mole” that will act on fraudulent reports against sexual minorities. We’re following that up with more senior levels at twitter, but… twitter. So, “senior” can be a bit of a misnomer.

Toggle: which is all to say that it’s quite possible Aluzky will get censored by twitter for the “crime” of reporting bigots for breaking twitter’s actual rules against things like death threats.

Fausty: Yup. And, seeing this car wreck coming, we wanted to say two things.

Toggle: first, we wanted to thank aluzky for the excellent work he’s been doing and congratulate him for his successful trolling of bigots – showing them to be the violent, hypocritical monsters that they are.

Fausty: Absolutely! Hat’s off for solid activism, top to bottom. And second, wanted to offer any support we might be able to provide when it comes to whatever happens next. Bigots love to pretend that, as zoos, we’re isolated and alone and vulnerable to their candyassed abuse. We’re not – I know the truth of this as well as anyone. When I was being persecuted and demonised by bigots, this community stood by me and we now stand by Aluzky, come what may. I’m sure he knows he can reach out to us, however is convenient, and we’ll stand ready to do all we can.

Toggle: Absolutely.

fausty; For folks wanting to follow along firsthand on twitter, please be aware that there’s oceans of fake “Aluzky” twitter accounts out there created by bigots.

Toggle: Good point. Bigots are so confident in the rightness of their bigotry that they resort to dishonest shit like making fake accounts in the name of zoos and posting fake shit on them to point to and say “see how dishnest zoos are!”

Fausty: Which yeah… the hypocrisy is beautiful in its purity. And yeah, there’s lots of false-flag “Alyzky” twitter accounts out there – beware. If you’re not sure which is which, DM us and we’ll point you at the legit one.

Toggle: They’ve also done the “fake screenshot” thing to try to make it look like he’s said stuff he’s never said.

Fausty: Yup. Because twelve-year-old gamer morons are super amazing with photoshop and they know how to paste fake text into screenshots. Amaaaaazing tech wizardry!

Toggle: Activism comes in all sorts of flavours, and what Aluzky’s been doing is creative and courageous and sure as hell it makes an impact.

Fausty: Sometimes it takes balls to stand up to a screaming mob of violent bigots. I’d know. And we’re entirely supportive of folks like him who have the balls to do it well. Hat’s off.

Toggle: Hats off.

Outro

Fausty: Thanks, friends, for listening to Zooier Than Thou.

Toggle: Our next full moon episode is about being healthy, happy, and zooey.

Fausty: It’s gonna be well worth the wait, so don’t miss it for anything! Not even well-endowed pitbulls.

Vee: You can subscribe to the podcast via our RSS feed: just point your favourite podcast client at rss.zoo.wtf and off you go. You can even find us on Spotify, Youtube, Alexa, and Voldemort’s evil podcast scheme. If you don’t see Zooier Than Thou in your favorite podcast directory, drop us a note so we can rectify that tragic error!

Fausty: Our podcast’s website is, for reasons still known only to Toggle, zoo.wtf. Twitter @ZooierThanThou, and you can follow Zooey’s knotty advice @AskZooey. Follow Fausty @lecontespink — though I strongly recommend against it — and Toggle @OneBigGrumpyRat — for underground rap lyrics. Don’t be contumacious! Do it now!

Toggle: A reminder that we have a form that enables anonymous submissions to the podcast on our website, zoo.wtf! You can also e-mail us at [email protected] You can share your recipes for delicious stallion semen mojitos, Ask Zooey about stud dog sheaths, or mail us a batch of fresh canine fortune cookies!

Vee: You can contact co-host Fausty through his website, fausty.org, but I strongly recommend you don’t. It’s getting a little musky over there.

Fausty: Fight the patriarchy by sharing this episode of Zooier Than Thou with all your misogynist friends. We’re lookin’ at you, Jordan Petersen.

Vee: All nonhumans overseeing production of this episode are disgusted by human sexism, because seriously, what the fuck?

Toggle: If you stare into the void, the void will stare back. Wink at a mare, and she may just wink back, too!

Fausty: This is old man Fausty, and I may be old and broken down, but incels are pathetic. Be nice to each other, zoos of all gender flavors. It’s still the sexiest, zooiest thing you can do.

Vee: This is Vee, and if you’d like to summon me, draw a reverse pentacle in virgin lawyer’s blood, add a clove of roasted garlic, and read excerpt A from page 269 from your Treasured Copy of the Book of Zooish Lesbomancy.

Toggle: And this is Toggle, calling in too gay to work tomorrow, just like everyday before, and you’ve almost finished listening to Zooier Than Thou! Stay Defiant, fellow zoos! We’ll see you next time you feel like howling at the moon!

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Artists wish to go uncredited, but this wouldn’t be the same without their work!

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

Music

“Lobby Time,” “Airship Serenity,” “Bossa Antigua,” “Airport Lounge,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Variety Show Segment Intro Tv Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “Radio Show Finale Fanfare,” “Old Time Radio American Music,”  
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

“The Four Seasons – Spring – Movement 1 Allegro,” written by Vivaldi, performed by John Harrison with the Wichita State University Chamber Players

“Tempel Iaru,” by Pyramidal, from the album Dawn in Space, provided by “Free music for youtube videos”

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEbThM6E_J9V23g3kKaGmYQ

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

Disclaimer/Intro

(The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains mature content and language, and may not be appropriate for younger audiences. Thanks for understanding.)

Fausty: Greetings and salutations, friends and fellow zoos. Our warmest welcome to our latest full moon episode of Zooier Than Thou: 6.0. I’m still Fausty, that zoo who shows unwavering defiance in the face of bigotry, hatred, and stage four metastatic malignant melanoma… and I’m still not dead, damnit!

Toggle: And I’m Toggle, a 400 pound incel!

Fausty: As has become traditional, we’ll be your co-hosts for this episode’s adventures and escapades.

Toggle: Wow, what a week.

Fausty: Indeed, my friend. Indeed. It’s been one heck of a week.

Toggle: With Zooier Than Thou growing from a novel idea into… well into something that means a lot to lots of zoos around the world, there’s been real pressure behind the scenes to keep setting high standards – and keep meeting them. That’s not just about what gets produced – the podcast – but it’s also about how we get there, and how we work with each other along the way. Everyone working to make this podcast what it is wants to see it keep doing good things – and everyone has different ideas about what it takes to do it.

Fausty: Apart from providing cheesy puns and gratuitously zooey in-jokes, it’s largely my job around here to keep the process side of things running smoothly – from task admin tools through scheduling procedures. Along the way, I do my best to set a good example in how I work with others and in how we, collectively, work with each other. When things fall apart there, I know it’s time to hit the brakes and make sure we get it right. This week I did just that, and we’ve taken some time to step back, evaluate where we’re at, and decide on what needs to be improved.

Toggle: And more than that, Fausty, you yourself have felt like things were not right. And some of that actually came down to a discussion you and I had about, shall we say, a somewhat esoteric question of grammatical analysis. Of all things.

Fausty: Yep, that’s not wrong. I got to where I had lost confidence in how I’ve been managing things, and I got to feeling like we as a team were losing sight of what’s central to everything we strive for in this podcast: mutual respect, celebration of diversity, community engagement, rigorous analysis, and perhaps above all else a shared sense of belonging and wellbeing. Once we run astray there, I know from my experience as a leader and as a zoo that we’re not going to make the durable, meaningful progress that’s so important to us all.

Toggle: No question that you take that stuff seriously. This week, you stopped dead in your tracks and meticulously picked through every element of what we’re doing. I hope by now that you feel like those worries are put to rest – or at least put into a place where you don’t feel they are barriers to the future?

Fausty: Well, yes. Yes, I do. I feel like we’ve made some important progress and, personally, I am honoured by and grateful for the support, kindness, loyalty, dedication, and caring I’ve seen from so many friends and colleagues on this project and in our community. I’ve learned alot about what it takes to nurture a spectacularly effective project management culture within our zoo world – and I’ve learned from my own mistakes in approaching things like I would as a leader of tech projects, as opposed to what we’re doing here. Overall, It’s been a humbling, challenging, frightening, inspiring, empowering week. Wow… that’s alot of “ing’.”

Toggle: You can get a bit lost in the ing’s, big fella – it’s ok.

Fausty: It’s not all broad generalizations and vague platitudes – I promise. We’re also moving forward with some “in the future” components of Zooier Than Thou that are ripe for rollout. Sometimes it’s not easy to keep up with how fast this podcast has gone from an idea to… something bigger than any of us, individually. So without further ado, what’s on the agenda, my gonad-challenged colleague? I see you sitting over there, rolling your eyes at my “too many words” blather and uniquely historical perspective…

Toggle: Right, ok well… and just between you and I, double-dog-secret for now, but we’re experimenting with some more formal ways that listeners can participate more directly in bringing each episode together. Like: we’re asking for help in producing transcripts of each episode – I do that now, in my ‘spare time’ (ha!)…

Fausty: …in other words, it doesn’t really get done because you no longer have any more spare time.

Toggle: Exactly! I don’t – and that’s ok, since more of my time goes into other parts of the podcast nowadays. So that’s one place we’re grateful for listener help – if you want to lend a paw, let us know. Same goes for, let’s see… translations – already a few folks offering to pitch in, there. And we’ve been testing out a “contributor’s chat” to create space to work with everyone helping out with the podcast: operationally, voice talent, outreach, financially. Everyone who cares enough to help make it sing, basically, is the idea.

Fausty: I’m testing out some collaboration tools alongside the Telegram contributors’ chat, such as github to fine-tune transcripts and translations. And we’re always keen to hear from folks who can help with tech admin tasks. Although I’m doing ok, I do have terminal cancer and it’s essential that we avoid bottlenecks dependent on me for long-range project success. We need to expand our tech admin bench, so let me know if you swim in those waters and are able to pitch in. Yes, Toggle, I see you raising your hand over there like a kid in junior high…

Toggle: Oh piss off, you silly old dog. Can you update everyone on your cancer situation? I know some of what makes things… emotionally charged, sometimes, with you is that you’ve got this whole other thing going on behind the scenes and maybe it’s good for you to open some of that up instead of doing the stiff-upper-lip demonstration?

Fausty: Which I suck at anyway, so who’s kidding who, right? So yes: cancer. Two weeks ago, I went in for radiation treatment of a lesion that has appeared in my cerebellum – the brain area that controls balance, movement, and such. So far the treatment appears successful, though it wasn’t as much fun to have gamma rays focussed into my brain for an hour as it sounds like upfront. I’m still receiving adjuvant targeted chemotherapy to control further spread of the melanoma tumors, and so far that’s been successful. Overall I’m not dead – which is a good thing – and overall I could be and have been much sicker than I am now. What happens next? Nobody knows, that’s the simple truth. I could be dead in two weeks… or alive two decades from now.

Toggle: And meanwhile you’re staying active, aren’t you?

Fausty: Right, yes: active. I’m in training for a 50k trail ultramarathon in November, in Virginia. It’s an optimistic goal, and I’m doing everything I can to turn that goal into an accomplishment. And I’m deeply grateful for everyone who has taken the time to share kind thoughts, good advice, genuine encouragement, and motivational stories – I’d never had survived this long, gotten this far, without that. It reminds me just what it means to be part of a community – a real community, with shared goals and group loyalty and a collective dedication to making the world a happier, healthier, wilder, funnier… zooier place, for everyone. You folks fucking rock – all of you. A special thanks to a certain D and a certain R – two extraordinary folks amidst an extraordinary community. Thank you so much for everything you’ve shared. I am honoured. Namaste.

Toggle: This whole project is about you, zoo nation, and we’re thinking of you every step of the way. And in that spirit, let’s tackle a couple of e-mails!

Fausty: First up, we’ve got one from The Wondering Wolf.

Toggle: The Wolf writes: “I’m quite new to the zoo community and see myself as at least an ally if not a zoophile myself. I listened to this episode at last after talking to Toggle on twitter and being recommended to listen to it since I was asking about pride and experiences about being a zoo.” He’s talking about the zoo pride episode. “I may not have gotten to know you Fausty, but I know how important it is to embrace being yourself and to listen to others. I thank you for being open and genuine and I thank the podcast in general for giving zoophiles a voice that otherwise may not be heard. Take care, stay safe and of course stay zooey!”

Fausty: Whether Wandering or Wondering, Wolf, your welcome is… I ran out of alliterative w’s, sorry sbout that! Anyhow, welcome – new zoo.

Toggle: Or zoo ally, at least. For those who missed it, I actually did bite the bullet and start a personal zoo twitter account last month, and it’s been kind of a blast, which I didn’t really expect. This fella did actually contact me and asked me, apropos of nothing, what being a zoo meant to me and when I first realized I was a zoo, etc. etc.. And so I simply pointed him to the podcast episode from Zoo Pride Day.

Fausty: I’m too scared to get on twitter – seems so technical and complex, and I’m just not good with computers. Sad!

Toggle: Fausty, you dork. He’s been on twitter since, like, before twitter started or something, handle @lecontespink. He also helps run the @crossspecies twitter account, and the bigot’s blocklist. Since he won’t say it, I will: what with terminal cancer and all that, he’s barely been on twitter since this spring. So if you tried to contact him and he didn’t reply, please don’t be pissed at him. There’s all sorts of ways to contact him listed on his website – you can get there via fausty.org. Or DM me and I’ll get you in touch with him, if it comes to that. He’s doing his best, really he is. Also, if you’re interested, you can check out my personal twitter @OneBigGrumpyRat. Remember, though, that if you follow, it IS a public account and people CAN see that you’re following, even if your account is locked.

Fausty: Wow, that’s… embarrassingly honest. Thank you. Reminds me that we got a private email that, generally, brought up the question of whether it’s ok to promote zoophilia – obviously I can’t share details, because private email. I did want to reply by saying that I don’t see anything we do as promoting zoophilia – any more than a podcast covering the LGBT community is promoting homosexuality, or whatever. Because there’s zoos as part of the constellation of human sexual diversity – always have been, always will be. It’s part of our genetic heritage, inherent in what it means to be human. So we’re not really promoting something that exists whether we do something or nothing at all. What we do promote is healthy expressions of zooish orientations, respectful zooish relationships, and a positive zoo community within which we may continue to bring out the best in each other and celebrate the best of who we – and our partners – are. And, I mean, obviously it’s good to promote constructive and healthy expressions of who we are – that’s good for everyone, and it’s well worth the effort. We are as good – or as bad – as we choose to be, and as we help each other to become. Nobody outside of us makes us either good or bad; that’s up to us. Everything we do here at Zooier Than Thou promotes precisely that; doing our best, being our best, bringing out the best in each other.

Toggle: There’s no one right way to “do zoo” – the diversity in our community is breathtaking and beautiful and just plain bodacious. Dog zoos. Horse zoos. Cervine and porcine and ursine and a whole bunch of other ine’s – we’re as different as can be imagined – and also we’re all zoos because for us the world is bigger than just hairless monkeys with two legs and weird swollen skulls. We’re all zoos because we all know that seeing the world through the eyes of someone different from us is pretty much the single most amazing thing a human being can every do – and as zoos we do it effortlessly, as part of who we are and who we love and how we connect to the world around us. Sometimes it’s fucking hard – “brick hard,” the greymuzzle currently staring out the window and dreaming of Mr. Peanut Butter might say – because diversity means we’re not all the same. That’s ok – we work it out and we remain friends even through the rough spots. That’s also what it means to be a zoo: we watch each others’ backs even when we don’t always see eye to eye. Community is loyalty and loyalty is huge.

Fausty: Did someone say “Mr. Peanut Butter?” Anyhow, apparently not… I don’t see him anywhere. Damnit. Who’s up next?

Toggle: None of your Business, Dog fucker!

Fausty: What the elk, Toggle? It’s fuck-ee, not fuck-er – get it right, rodent. And don’t get my hopes up – this studio is as canine-free as the Trump White House. The horror, the horror….

Toggle: No, silly, that’s actually the alias they chose: “dogfucker.”

Fausty: Oh right ok – fair enough.

Toggle: None-ya writes, “You bunch of absolute assholes need to stop spreading your lies about zoophilia. It’s illegal, immoral, illogical, and is just an excuse for you bunch of fags to not get laid. You both sound like a bunch of 400 pound incels, especially the faggot who puts on a voice in your videos.”

Fausty: Geez, had to come at me about my weight problem – that hurts! Oh hold on, no it doesn’t – I can barely hold 200 pounds nowadays, between the chemotherapy and the weekly training coming up towards 40 miles of trail work per. So actually that’s funny – I bet I know who IS fat and lazy and out of shape… and that’s the sad-piece who sent this awesome bundle of fail.

Toggle: “Also, PS, the LGBT community doesn’t want your sick asses. Respectfully yours, None ya.”

Fausty: Wow. I’m not sure where to begin unpacking this one.

Toggle: Honestly, insults are a lot less hurtful when they’re not based in any sort of reality. And I gotta love the added touch where they inform us about the wishes of LGBT community while calling us fags.

Fausty: Honestly, this whole message is a choclatey, hot mess from top to bottom.

Toggle: Pretty pathetic. Not the most pathetic hatemail we got this week, but a close second. And, incidentally, also the second hate mail we’ve ever gotten! Congrats! You’re second best, and second worst, all at once!

Fausty: Being called an incel by an actual incel is recursively lol-worthy. Though I suppose chemo does sorta make me celibate occasionally – comes with the territory. Can’t say I’m feeling particularly ashamed of that… hold on… yeah no, not at all. I tried, but sorry: nope.

Toggle: Thanks for your heartfelt e-mail, None-Ya. It was kind of fun getting hate mail for a change! Also, you left your IP address behind, and Comcast is happy to help pin down your account information so we can press charges. Which, geez, you should have read up on Fausty before sending us hate mail from your home IP address. That’s about as dumb as calling him a 400-pound incel. Ok actually it’s even dumber. Why? Take 10 minutes and figure it out yourself. You’ll be glad you did – well actually you’ll shit yourself. Oh well. Next one, Fausty?

Fausty: Let’s get a good one in real quick.

Toggle: Sure! Here’s one from Oz!

Fausty: Is it a wizard?

Toggle: I dunno – let’s find out! Oz writes, “I am an old equine-zoo! I was a long time reader and poster on BF and you may be familiar with some of my writings (and videos). I have always tried to help younger zoos who are dealing with guilt issues to gain a perspective about the human condition and what we really are. I also tried to capture my true love of my mare friends in my (admittedly) pornographic videos.”

Fausty: I could go on about exactly why there’s nothing wrong with good, healthy, positive, respectful, genuine porn… and a hell of a lot that the opposite of wrong with it, but I’ll make the uncharacteristic decision to batten my pie-hole on the subject. For now. Barely. Under extreme duress.

Toggle: Porn is love! Oz continues, “I want to tell you that I was very impressed by the first program I listened to, especially as regards difficulties with mixed human-zoo relationships. I know how hard it is to produce a program like that, and you did it with amazing grace and flair.”

Fausty: All credit for the excellence in production quality that’s become a standard for Zooier Than Thou goes to my co-host and colleague, Toggle. He’s a badass in the studio – and in bed, to boot. Wait no, not the bedroom – that’s all kinds of wrong. Sorry, I was thinking about Mr. Peanut Butter. My bad. Please do continue…

Toggle: You’re hopeless, you know that Fausty? Oz continues, “I have a possible topic for you, and that is the treatment of zoos in the Puritan colonies, particularly the story of Thomas Grainger. For some reason, the barbarity of what that self-righteous bunch did to that poor kid ranks in the darkest annals of human depravity. I even wrote a poem about it! Anyhow, keep up the great work! If we are ever to gain any acceptance at all, it will be through work like yours!”

Fausty: Right, first off many thanks for that message – it’s always a pleasure to hear from folks who’ve been ‘round a minute, and always nice to receive an historical lesson – in fact, I’m ignorant of this story, or was prior to receiving this note.

Toggle: Yes, Fausty, ok. You’ve made your point – and then some – with the “an.” I see you smiling over there, don’t fucking act like it’s coincidental, you dog-fuckee-not-really-because-chemo-and-thus-dog-incel-for-now. Dog almighty, you really are incorrigible, you know that? Back to the subject at hand: I remember reading about Thomas Grainger in college, though I can’t remember in what context I was studying puritans. I read an entry from one of the puritans who was doing record keeping at the time, and it basically lamented the fact that in order to actually make the journey and survive the new world, puritans had to rely on “heathens” in order to get by. Puritans didn’t know how to sail, or farm, or frankly do anything. In essence, these were people that were disconnected from the land, and they needed people who knew basic survival skills to keep the colony afloat. That meant bringing along people who didn’t share their faith, and Thomas was among them. When Thom was caught in mid-coitus with a mare, they questioned him, and he confessed to having relations with a number of animals. These people were trying to establish a land based on God’s law, and they were not lenient. Tom had to name the animals he’d slept with and watch them all be slaughtered before finally being put to death himself. If that sounds fucked up and barbaric, well, that’s because it is, and yet somehow, it’s not very far off from how this sort of thing can go today, minus the zoo actually being executed as well.

Fausty: Can’t say I wasn’t targeted for attempted execution, myself, a couple of times in the past decade – each time via extra-legal violence, sure, but it’s a bit of a thin distinction when you’re on the receiving end. And coming out of what I’ve been through myself, my first reaction to the story is to completely doubt that the version that made it into print – and down to us, today – reflects the facts of what happened with Thom. Oh, I have no doubt those fundamentalist fanatics murdered him – that’s one thing religious zealots have been consistently good at: killing dissenters. But caught in flagrante delicto with a mare? Colour me doubtful. Thom lists off all the other “animals” with whom he shared intimacy? Yeah, sure – under torture, or coerced to list every critter he’d ever seen? Yah, more likely. Fact is, nobody recorded Thom’s version of the story – history isn’t written by the victims of persecution and genocide, not the way it works. So we have this just-so story of equine assignation and I call horseshit. More likely – and more along with what we know about actual facts versus what the puritan genocidaires spun out ex post facto – Thom ran afoul of the exiled bigots for some other reason…. maybe he was too nice to the mare in question, which those God-fearing fascists wouldn’t condone since she’s an animal, created so scum like them can abuse and torment her until she’s too old to work, then kill her without one iota of compassion or kindness. That’d be more than enough, and what better story than sex – anything but that, anything! – to come up with a pretense for a good, fun murder-session of human and nonhuman alike. That, yes, I can see. There’s nothing nice about the story – it’s tragedy for every victim of that bigotry, prejudice and hate: as yesterday, so today. Let us honour not only his memory but the memory of those four-legged victims who died alongside him – martyrs to intolerance and human solipsism. Fuck that shit, and fuck the people who continue to spew it forth even today.

Toggle: A tragic story, a tragic history, a tragic lesson we’re all well-reminded to remember and honour… thanks, Oz! And thanks for the poem! I’m holding onto it to share later on!

Fausty: We got one more, here, I think, and it’s from our old friend, the friendly neighborhood zoosexual! Nice to hear from you again! Our pal here is weighing in on the last episode’s topic about safety.

Toggle: Friendly writes, “So it sounds like mentioning my sexuality on my Linked In was probably not wise! In all seriousness, though, this episode brought to mind several aspects that had never occurred to me, notably on how no reaction might be the best the best reaction, kind of like in regards to dealing with a bully. It’s been a while sense the last time Ive done anything social in the zoo world as the kind of job that I have, if it where to become known that I was a zoosexual, it would not only be devastating to me but also to many others as as well. Not that I’m made miserable by my job by any means. Quite the opposite in fact! Anywho, it was quite interesting hearing everyone’s views on the matter. Actually, this episode left me felling a bit safer! Wishing all 3 of you the best!”

Fausty: We’re always glad to hear from you, and it’s great to hear that the Safety Dance episode helped catalyse some self-analysis on your part. Good security is all about conscious, intentional, flexible balancing of multiple factors… and it sounds like you’re doing exactly that. Keep it up, and keep sharing what you’ve learned with others you know so they can benefit, as well. That’s how it’s done.

Toggle: I’m glad to hear that this episode made an impact! And I really hope it manifests in good decisions and continued, safe community engagement.

Fausty: Thanks for checking back in with us, Friendly Neighborhood Zoosexual! We’ll see you next time!

Toggle: I think it’s time for us to talk about our topic here. What the world needs now is More Zooey Wisdom!

Fausty: Toggle and I actually were talking recently about relationships. Human relationships, if you can believe it.

Toggle: Humans? That’s just bizarre.

Fausty: Specifically, we were discussing sexuality and the sorts of expectations people find themselves beholden to in the bedroom.

Toggle: It was an innocent conversation about dicks – yeah I know, right? Big surprise! – that evolved into a tawdry philosophical discussion about our experiences with other guys missing two legs, and the greater implications for society of those interactions.

Fausty: My number one rule for sexual encounters is as follows: There is nothing more beautiful than knowing that someone with whom you’re sharing sexual intimacy is having the time of their life and that I’m fortunate enough to be part of that wonderful experience for them. That’s what it’s about. However many legs, whatever gender, however furry they are or aren’t… it’s about sharing pleasure, and more than that about enabling wondrous experiences with those you love. Sure I have my little preferences, here and there – we all do, no matter our species – but at core what I love is seeing someone happy. Ok also I love Mr. Peanut Butter – a love unrequired! So far.

Toggle: I’m a cock connoisseur. Big ones, small ones, regular ones, I love ‘em all for different reasons. But I’ve noticed how embarrassed people get over their size sometimes, and it’s like, “Dude, chill, this is perfect.” Or sometimes when people can’t keep it up, and the fact that they can’t keep it up makes them flustered, which makes it impossible to get hard.

Fausty: Performance anxiety.

Toggle: Exactly. But for me, none of that stuff matters. If we’re having a good time, it doesn’t matter that you have trouble staying hard. Fuck it, so do I. I’m on SSRI’s and so is half of America. It’s not a big deal.

Fausty: Toggle intuitively pointed out that this phenomenon – performance anxiety – is entirely based on human interactions. It doesn’t exist in zooey relationships. Not once has a stud dog been ashamed because he couldn’t keep it up (up? Not exactly right, but anyhow…) and stallions don’t worry they won’t meet expectations… because, I mean, they’re stallions! Sorry, seriously this whole “feeling bad about your sexual performance” is totally a human thing – it wasn’t until deep into my adulthood that I even ever really bumped into it, since my paramours didn’t, definitionally, have those sorts of problems. And as zoos, because our experiences come without judgement from our partners, we take that wisdom and we have the opportunity to give them back to our human partners. I can say with total confidence that I’ve never, ever made a human partner feel bad about his (or her… yes, or her) “performance” in the barn…. err I meant, the bedroom. I can’t even conceive of what would motivate someone to be like that with a lover, to be frank. Whatever the case, one part of being zoo is our awareness that human hangups about sex aren’t intrinsically sexual – they’re intrinsically human. To everyone else, such concepts simply don’t exist.

Toggle: Sex without feeling pressure to perform is truly incredible. Just enjoying the touch of other people, or the profound physical closeness of intimacy with a stud dog… it’s beyond words to dscribe. You just enjoy that time together. And that’s something a lot of non-zoos are missing out on.

Fausty: Zoos have insight into the nonhuman world that isn’t available to humans from anywhere else – that’s why we are part of the human genetic library and why we’ve always been inherent to what it is to be human. Without zoos, there’d be no domestication. No partnership with wolves, become dogs, become our best friends and closest allies and social peers. No horses sharing our lodgings, our hunting, our travels, our worlds… and our beds. Or we can say that without all that, there’d be no evolutionary pressure in favour of the zooish gift. Two sides of one coin. And, beyond that coin, it turns out that us zoos also have a thing or two of value to say about human sexual intimacy. How could we not – an uniquely zooish perspective is the betwixt and between: at once human and at once nonhuman – and a mix of both (one might even call us… Metis, right Toggle?).

Toggle: Fuck’s sake, Fausty. Yes yes – well-played! Are you happy now? I see you chuckling over there, so I’ll take that as a yes. Ahem, back to the point: we share an empathy with other persecuted minorities, which allows us to see how systems of power arbitrarily push down on different groups of people. We have a perspective that allows us to question convention and to challenge authority, because we know that what we take for granted as a society isn’t always based on fact, logic, or evidence.

Fausty: Amoungst the many wisdoms shared with us by our nonhuman friends and partners is the transformative power of kindness, kindness that’s not tied to identical worldviews or overlapping politics or close kin connections… indeed not tied to common species at all. And that kind of kindness has the potential to open doors of compassion and caring that, in turn, can and so many times in the past have changed our world for the better. That’s part of being a zoo, too: knowing that kindness, as recipients, and knowing how to share it, as initiators. We know how to be nice to other people – indeed, to love other people – whether those people look like us or not. Different skin colour is a big deal? Oh honey… that’s so trivial it’s cute. We’re all the same, at heart: we all live, we all hope, we all fear, we all weep, and we all love. Petty differences – skin, hair, paws, hooves, feather, fin, and fur… what binds us is so much more spectacularly wonderful than those things which set us apart. Hell, even rodents without balls – who don’t know when to add an “n” and when not to – are worthy of our kindness and maybe, just maybe… yes, even of our love. All those hangups that keep us apart? They’re stuff we make and enforce on ourselves – if we choose to. For it is true that we may also choose not to: not to be bound by the limits of what we once thought was possible, was available, was reasonable, was inevitable, was potentially ours. We, as zoos, have the power to choose to be so much more than what we would otherwise be – and, in doing so, to act as avatars of moral greatness for all those humans who are so sadly crippled by their inability to reach beyond the confines of their fellow naked monkeys. We can help those limited humans. We must help those limited humans. Whether they know how to ask for our help or not, we know that it is ours to offer and ours to share. This, we must always continue to do.

Toggle: We are different, and that’s not only OK, it’s important. We have something to offer the world, and the world could really use a bit of that right now.

Fausty: Stay tuned, friends. We’ve got plenty more profoundly zooey wisdom to expound upon – right after this!

This Episode’s Sponsors

Announcer: This week’s podcast is sponsored by:

Dog Day Afternoon Spa: Spend a magical, relaxing, therapeutic day lying naked on a massage table surrounded by man’s best friend. We specialize in facials!

And also by:

Zooey Dooey & Murrs: When bigotry threatens you & your beloved partners, it’s time for the draft horse stallions of the legal world: we fight back against hatred with facts, fury, & fanatical vigor. Discounted rates for zoos who stand loyal to our community, no matter what.

And finally:

By esoteric references that only small segments of our audience can appreciate. Esoterica: it makes you sound authentic!

Bestfinster Dog Show – Best In Show

(Zooey graciously played by special guest “Steve”)

Toggle: For this year’s Westmin… err “Bestfinster” conformation dog show, a radical new format was chosen for the ringside commentary broadcast live to listeners worldwide.

Before, censors were on-hand to censor any reference that executives felt was too “mature” when it comes to the show dogs in the ring. This, obviously, cut out a lot of what makes watching dog shows such a beautiful experience: the dogs – and bitches! Acting like they aren’t charismatic, gorgeous, beautiful, alluring… it was silly, artificial, and was driving away audiences in droves.

The new format gets rid of all that nonsense and, we’re proud to say, also includes Zooier Than Thou’s very own “Zooey” as one of the commentators broadcasting from ringside! That’s right: the Great Dane with the great mane, offering up her fabulous perspective on a topic she knows better than anyone: stunning sexual canine supermodels, any and all breeds.

Without further ado, here’s a sample from the climactic event of this year’s broadcast: Best in Show!

Announcer 1 (jaded) Ron: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to this year’s live commentary of the BestFinster Dog Show. For those just now tuning in, the Best in Show presentation is just beginning. And, yes, we’re continuing with what our ever-wise studio executives have told us is to be a more “inclusive, honest, and genuine” approach to our commentary. Finally. About time we got to drop the bull droppings and open the windows for some fresh air.

Announcer 2 (straight) Stephen: Well, Ron, of course our network coverage of the August BestFinster show has always been, dare I say, best-in-class. Honesty is right at the centre of every year’s commentary, so it’s just a question of continuing our tradition of excellence. Nothing new about that this year!

Announcer 1 (jaded) Ron: Kid, the only thing honest about most of our previous commentary has been the name of the show. I’d know – I’ve been here in this seat for thirty years, and every year before now we’ve been on tape-delay status so the network censors could clip out anything genuine or honest we said about the stars of the show. Only place you’d see more clipping of what’s genuine is in the dumpster full of dog balls behind a vet’s office.

Announcer 2 (straight) Stephen: Ron! We all know you’ve been at this job a heck of a long time but that’s no reason to be crude! Besides, everyone knows that those little doggies need to be “fixed” so they can be happy little furbabies at the doggie daycare like all the other little doggies!

Zooey: Jesus, kid, listening to you talk about cutting some poor boy’s nuts off is almost as painful as knowing it happens so often… can we close that pretty little mouth of yours and keep a close eye on these gorgeous dogs – and bitches – about to take to the ring? I haven’t been so hot under the collar since last time I spent a weekend in a kennel full of bitches. Oh, the joys of synchronized estrus!

Announcer 2 (straight) Stephen: Well I never…

Announcer 1 (jaded) Ron: We know, kid, we know. You wouldn’t last an hour in a setup like that – those ladies would eat you alive and spit out the bones you don’t have in the places you damned well should.

Zooey: Boys, boys, let’s not bicker shall we? I was the first to lift a metaphorical leg on the idea of an unorthodox Best in Show class like this, but I’ll tell you right here and now that the parade of beauties we’re about to see is more than worth breaking any tradition under our sun. And if my ears don’t betray me… oh bountiful blessed one, here they come!

Ron: Right you are, my great-maned colleague, right you are. First up, it looks like we’ve got the Weimaraner bitch that captured everyone’s hearts – and a few more bits, to boot, for some men (and women) watching from ringside. She’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s got a topline you could use to teach ruler’s a thing or two about what straight means… and she’s got enough raw sex appeal to stop an aircraft carrier dead in the water.

Stephen: What I’m seeing, for our listeners less given to flights of fancy than my elderly coworker, is a female of the German breed from Weimar. A crowd favorite with picture-perfect adherence to the breed standard as written, this dog is a textbook example of good structure and good handler presentation…

Zooey: Textbook? Stevie, I don’t know what textbooks you’ve been reading, but the only textbook that sexy lady appears in wouldn’t be allowed in most any local library in the United States of Repression you call home. She’s so gorgeously hot, word amongst the zooluminati I know working security in the exhibitor’s area is that she’s been receiving so many suitor’s bouquets that there’s been problems with access to emergency exits in her corner of the building. A lady with assets to die for, she most certainly is.

Ron: Can’t disagree with you one bit on that, m’lady Zooey, not one bit. Gotta say, it might just be that a few of those bouquets might just be mine, they just might be… and she’s one heck of a date, that German gal. Or so I’ve heard from friends, I should say. And next into the ring is another German showstopper, the Rottweiler dog coming up from Group.

Stephen: Before Ron can make any off-colour jokes about this male dog, let me tell the listeners at home that it is exactly what is expected of the breed. Strong, stalwart, steady, and groomed to perfection.

Zooey: Steve, Steve, Steve… hearing you talk about a “male dog” is like hearing some gringo refer to “salsa sauce” – the cute gets swamped out by the dumb. No matter, since this delicious Rottie god is more than enough of a hunk to make anyone with hormones forget all that chattering noise. Just look at that sheath – a sheath anyone could lose themselves in, a sheath truly worthy of worship.

Ron: He’s more than just a sheath fit for the gods, Zooey, that German masterpiece is. Shoulders with enough angles to fill a graduate school class in non-Euclidean geometry, a gait with that impossible combination of fluidity and pure macho power, and family jewels impressive enough to single-pawed overturn that old critique of Rottie boys as studs with big knots and little nuts, he’s a contender in my book for Best in Bedroom.

Stephen: Well I don’t know what all that’s supposed to mean, if I’m being totally honest. What I do know is that this male dog is impressive and has clearly caught the eye of the judges…

Ron: Only one whose eye he hasn’t caught is you, a eunuch who wouldn’t know what to do with a stud like that any more than you’d know how to flap those skinny arms of yours and fly to the bloody moon.

Zooey: Ron! No need to be mean to the youngster – he knows not what he’s missing, and most likely never will. Enough of all that, here’s the GSD bitch that’s had half the continent up late fantasizing about her… and the other half asleep having dirty lovely dreams with her as star of the show! And oh Dog almighty, just look at that goddess on four paws…

Ron: I’ve… I’m… I don’t know what to say. She’s like a dream made real, a fantasy come down to Earth, enough beauty to stop clocks half a world away…

Stephen: I don’t see anything particularly unusual about it, to be honest – most all German Shepherds look alike, I’m sure we all agree, and in the end it comes down to checking the program to figure out what sex they are…

Zooey: Sex? Sex? When it comes to her, the program listing has her categorised as “oh please, yes please!” Any place, any time, and way – this Great Dane will obey in ways an OTCh can’t even imagine.

Ron: I’m still not… I don’t know how to… she’s simply… magnificent. Her tail carriage alone is enough to stop traffic. Those shoulders, they’re poetry made physical.

Stephen: Since my two, ahem, colleagues or whatever they claim to be, can’t quite find their words, I’ll be happy to be the responsible one and keep our listeners informed about the next entrant coming into the wind. This is, let me check the schedule… oh yes, this is the Beer-bull dog entry. A big, heavy thing with an air of menace, it seems to have won breed and group on the basis of intimidation alone. Not sure how a dangerous thing like that managed to get into BestFinster in the first place…

Zooey: Shut up, Stevie – your tiny voice intrudes on my fervid fantasy of that big man getting into me and staying there for hours. Intimidating? That, my boy, is the only thing you’ve got right so far tonight: I’d be intimidated to introduce myself to him, let alone ask him for attentions of a more carnal sort… he’s probably so used to adoring admirers trailing along behind him that he’s a veritable master of rejection. Such a terrible shame, isn’t it Ron?

Ron: Oh he’s not like that, not at all. I have it on good authority – very good, you might say – that he’s not only a perfect gentleman in the tradition of the best manners of South African Zulu culture, but he’s also happy to make time for a tie with adoring fans, be they shy or pushy. Oh yes, he’s everything a leading-man stud should be: virile, kind, confident, and rock-hard in the bedroom and in every place therein. I won’t soon forget our night… I mean, I won’t forget what I’ve heard about him.

Zooey: Ron, you lucky old goat, you! I couldn’t be more envious if I tried – and honey, I’ve tried.

Stephen: I just don’t know how much more of this I can put up with! It’s downright obscene, all this talk of abuse….

Ron: The only abuse around here is what’s caused by being locked in a broadcast booth with someone so ignorant of dogs that he doesn’t know the difference between a bitch and teddy bear. Good thing you won’t ever get within a country mile of anyone out there in that show ring – they’d laugh you out of the state with just a lolled tongue. Kid, you’re so far out of your league you’re not even playing the same sport.

Stephen: That’s it! I’m reporting this to senior management, right this second! (pulls out phone and makes dialing noises in the background)

Zooey: My deepest eternal thanks, my gentleman and scholar. Ron, you’ve saved the day – and just in time for the most dashing, the most handsome, the most utterly lust-worthy of them all: the Golden stud of dreams, the master of our shared sensual domain, the hero of every stag movie worth it’s celluloid, the one and only…

Ron: The hands-down favourite of the class he is, Miss Zooey, that he is. And for good reason. Impeccable balance, flawless extension at the trot – a trot that should rightly be called a “float,” coat beyond the wildest dreams of the most debauched furrier ever born to this planet, and – if what I’ve been told by those lucky enough to judge him in the past – a pair of balls so perfect, so heavy, so ineffably flawless as to evade even the most heartfelt attempt to sing their eternal praises… the perfect package, a package including a package to die for, a Golden beyond compare.

Zooey: Ron, if it comes down to you and I fighting for his attentions, I give fair warning that I will shamelessly resort to any and all stratagems and intrigues in service of earning his service – yes I will. Know you that!

Stephen: Well I never! I went right to the top, I’ll have you two smirking goons know, and you know what I was told? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS TOLD?

Ron and Zooey, over each other: Nope. No. Nope.

Stephen: I was told, and I quote: “You’re fired. Call-in lines are flooded with support for our newfound approach to honest dog show reporting.” Fired!

Zooey: Goes to show that sex sells, good or bad, two legs or four… and in this case it’s four and honey it’s good, good, and more good yet again.

Ron: Right, then – back to the show, Zooey, now that the virgin man-child is gone. Meanwhile we’ve had enter the ring a legend in her own right, the Husky bitch. Now I know all eyes are on a certain lady-part of hers famous for its deep, dark, glistening black color – but we all know she’s so much more than that, though who could pretend they don’t notice such a showpiece of a piece. Coat befitting the northern princess she most assuredly is, she’s also a lover widely rumored to be…

(broadcast fades out at this point)

The Safety Dance, revisited, featuring “Steve”

(Transcript to follow)

Secret Zoo – Rin Tin Tin

(Late 1920’s)

Radio Announcer: Rin Tin Tin, the Wonder Dog that stole the nation’s heart, the shining star that saved Warner Brothers from bankruptcy time and time again, the stud dog of every lady’s dreams, now spends his retirement at his private beach house in Malibu. Our reporters caught up with Rinty this weekend as he lounged nude on his porch in all his glory, watching the waves crash against the sandy shore.

Reporter: Rinty, do you have time for a quick interview?

Rinty: Certainly, anything for my fans.

Reporter: How’s life been treating you since you retired from the silver screen?

Rinty: Oh, can’t complain. Things are quiet, peaceful, easy. Couldn’t ask for much more than that.

Reporter: Certainly a change from your Hollywood lifestyle just a couple of years ago. You were quite the playboy in your prime. Beautiful GSDs lining up for blocks just to get a whiff of your scent, your on-again-off-again affairs with Hollywood starlets, including your gorgeous co-star Nanette.

Rinty: (chuckles) I’ve tied the knot a few times, there’s no doubt about that. I’ve lived a charmed life, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy every minute of it.

Reporter: In the beginning, people compared you to you predecessor, Strongheart, a glorious canine specimen in his own right. What’s it feel like to have ended your career with reviewers asking, “Strongheart who?”

Rinty: Golly, Strongheart really set the stage for screen actors like me. It’s hard to imagine I’d be anything I am today without him setting the precedent. Lee was always insistent I was star material, though.

Reporter: Lee is your agent?

Rinty: You could say that.

Reporter: Ah, Lee introduced you to the Hollywood lifestyle. How did that come about?

Rinty: Well, you know, Lee saw ol’ Strongheart up on the screen and he said to me, “Rinty, you could run circles around that big lunk.” We’d wander up and down Poverty Row, with some of the smaller studios, and those were my first gigs. But the real break was “Where the North Begins.” Lee wrote it himself and pitched it to Harry —

Reporter: That’s Harry Warner, of Warner Bros. Studios, yes?
Rinty: Right. Harry loved the script, and the rest is history.

Reporter: Your journey from pauper to prince of Hollywood is certainly a riveting one.

Rinty: Lee may have exaggerated a few of the details.

Reporter: Ha, well, perhaps, and yet you truly commanded the screen in heroic fashion. Stunning, really.

Rinty: Well, thank you. I had a good time doing it!

Reporter: I can’t help but notice you still present a striking figure, just dashing for a hound your age. Are you still fending off all the ladies?

Rinty: (chuckles) Oh, I have no doubt if I walked back down Sunset Boulevard I’d have a date for the night in a heartbeat. But you know, I’m content now. Settled down with someone I really love, and I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

Reporter: Say, now, that IS news! Who’s the fortunate four-legged female who captured the heart that captured the American spirit?

Rinty:(hesitates audibly)

Reporter: (slowly) Perhaps, it’s a lucky male?

Rinty: (chuckles softly) Well, you could always ask him yourself. Lee loves to give interviews. He’ll be back to the beach house shortly.

Reporter: Hold the phone, you mean your agent? A two legger?

Rinty: I do.

Reporter: But Rinty, you’re a star! You could have anybody! Women fawn over you! Men want to BE you! Why would you settle for a two-legger when you could have anything you want?
Rinty: You know, Lee’s been a constant in my life. He helped me show the world what he’s always seen in me. He was always my advocate, my supporter, my foundation. Coming home has always meant falling asleep at Lee’s side. Don’t get me wrong. The sex is great, and I’ve never been one to turn down an upturned tail, but all these guys and gals, they want me because I’m famous. Lee knows my truest soul like nobody else, and he sees something deeper that he’s fallen for. It’s always been the two of us. Nothing changed when the fame came. And now all I want to do is spend the rest of my days with the man I love.

Reporter: Come to think of it, your agent was divorced a few years back from another Hollywood elite. Is that because…?

Rinty: (sighs sorrowfully) You know, I loved Charlotte, and it pains me to know that she’s had to suffer because of our love. I’ll never truly understand it, but society places these expectations on two-leggers, and sometimes they go through the motions because they’re expected to. Go to war, get married to a fine woman, have kids… Only, sometimes that gets in the way of what they already know is true, and other people get hurt because they couldn’t be honest with themselves from the beginning. I just hate that a third person had to be harmed for us to be together. I truly, sincerely feel terrible for her, because knowing the Lee that I know, I’d be devastated to have a man like that taken from me.

Reporter: It’s certainly a different side of the Rin Tin Tin America knows and loves. The playboy, the sex symbol, the leading man heart throb, and now a romantic at heart.

Rinty: I’ve always been a romantic. Hollywood can blind you to what’s really important in life, but nothing’s ever been more important to me than Lee.

Reporter: Wow, what an interview. Thank you, Rinty, for this eye-opening and heartfelt conversation.

Rinty: Always a pleasure. And, hey, don’t think I didn’t notice where your eyes were for half the interview. I don’t mind if you wanna —

(the interview cuts off)

Announcer: Don’t touch that dial, folks! Ask Zooey is up next, right after this!

Fur and Loving in Alaska

Hunter S. Thompson: We were somewhere north of Fairbanks, near the edge of a sled trail, when his knot began to take hold. I remember feeling a bit light-headed and saying to my lead dog, “Whoa there big fella, take it easy now! My dog, you’ve got some drive!”

Suddenly, there was a wonderful roar of fluids pulsing inside my ass, and my voice began screaming, “Holy Jesus, I love the cock of this fine animal!” There was a heavy panting from above, and strings of warm drool rained down on the back of my neck. The snow beneath us began to melt, whist the northern lights danced above in fantastic iridescent cascades as we continued to–

Ohh… whoops… wait a minute, this is private my journal! Uhh, sorry folks, thats a story for later!

Ask Zooey

Zooey: Welcome back to Ask Zooey, the only place on the internet for premium cross-species dating advice! I’m your gorgeous host who you love the most, Zooey!

Toggle: And I’m a horny rat slut called Toggle!

Zooey: Remember folks, you can contact us with your own zooey questions, either through twitter @AskZooey, or through the anonymous contact form at zoo.wtf. If it’s a question that’s burning in your heart, asking it could help someone else out there just like you! While we get lots of e-mails every week, we do take the time to read each and every one. Just because we haven’t responded yet doesn’t mean we won’t soon!

Toggle: Let’s not waste any more time and dive right in! Our first question comes from a Traveler on the Tundra!

Zooey: Ah, a teamster from up north, perhaps?

Toggle: The Traveler writes: “Dear Zooey: I hear about there being a community of zooey individuals, but i have never had luck finding anyone else to talk to about it. I’m not good at online interactions because i watched one too many 20/20 specials growing up and developed a rather paranoid mentality about online interactions. In addition, I travel for work 90% of the time and find it difficult to make lasting relationships with any species because of my travels. Any advice for the weary traveler on how to make lasting connections, human or otherwise?”

Zooey: Ahh, those classic 20/20 specials on the dangers of online activity.

Toggle: The online landscape has changed a lot from when I was growing up. I remember when the idea of using your real name on the internet was seen as an unnecessary risk, and now it’s required to use certain websites.

Zooey: And while there are certainly some valid concerns about being online and public with one’s persona, those old programs like Dateline and 20/20 definitely tended to blow things a little out of proportion, largely do to a fundamental lack of understanding of online interactions and a need to sensationalize fear.

Toggle: The tough thing about the zoo community is that, in this particular era of zoo history, it’s largely online. The good news is that you can foster relationships with people based on common interests without needing to divulge personal information. The furry fandom is definitely a shining example of healthy online interactions by way of an online persona.

Zooey: Indeed. Here, all you need to know is that my name is Zooey, and I’m the most gorgeous great dane drag queen you’ll ever meet, and we can have a perfectly good conversation from that alone. No need to know my zipcode, where I went to school, or what my day job is.

Toggle: Furries also have a built-in social convention for meeting people in real life, in safe, public spaces that also don’t require one to divulge personal information: fur cons. Incidentally, Traveler, these are also places to meet zoos in safe encounters, since there is significant community overlap! Plus, there’s a con in any given part of the world you may be traveling in at any given time, particularly if you venture down into the US.

Zooey: Remember, Traveler, when talking to people online, it is perfectly acceptable to say, “I’m not comfortable sharing that information about myself at this time.”

Toggle: Preferably in less stilted phrasing, but yes. You mentioned behind the scenes that you fear people won’t feel comfortable getting to know you if you never divulge personal information. Now, I wonder about the degree to which you don’t share information. If it’s a matter of not wanting to answer the age-old question of “A/S/L?” then you’ll find that you’re not expected to. If it’s a matter of being afraid of sharing your favorite movies and video games for fear that someone might figure out who you are based on your likes, then yes, this is totally paranoia, and you’re going to have a hard time fostering conversations in which you’re unwilling to give even an iota of yourself. Break out of your shell, Traveler, because all relationships require that we give something of ourselves to the relationship.

Zooey: Now, this is a cross-species dating advice show, so let’s not neglect the other glaring question. Traveling ninety percent of the time does make it largely impractical to form lasting relationships with animal partners of various species, but this also depends on the terms of your travel.

Toggle: I have a really good friend who travels for work constantly. Since he travels by personal car, he has a canine companion that travels with him. This does require stops at dog parks along the way for plenty of exercise, but it also means his partner is by his side all the time. This necessitates teaching your partner the etiquette of being around crowds of people and living in hotel rooms. It also means that he’s chosen to give up the convenience of airplanes to travel by car.

Zooey: Another friend of mine spent time as a teamster, on the road in a big sleeper cab. Canines seem to be the paramours of choice for traveling zoos, but again, it takes a certain kind of pooch that doesn’t mind hanging out in a spacious sleeper cab all day, and again, it means you’ll be taking frequent stops for exercise, which could interfere with how fast you make it from point A to point B.

Toggle: A growing number of traveling zoos are bringing their homes with them, opting to travel by camper, which opens up a lot of options for you and your traveling companion. This can be a more expensive option on the outset, because of upfront costs and gas, but consider that you also don’t have to pay for a mortgage on a house!

Zooey: The truth, though, is that traveling zoos don’t really have options to form lasting relationships with horses, for instance, who require a stable to call home and a lot of time and care on site. Other animals about the farm are also out, in terms of long lasting relationships. So if you’re not particularly attracted to canines, or if you fancy breeds that require lots of space and exercise, you may be out of luck until you’re able to settle down. Also, if you travel largely by plane, that can complicate things, as traveling by plane is NOT currently a practical life style for our four-legged friends.

Toggle: Traveling zoos have to remember that their partners’ wellbeing always comes first, and that means making sure your lifestyle is able to accommodate a four-legged partner’s needs. But rest assured, Traveler, you CAN have a meaningful, mutually beneficial relationship while living on the road.

Zooey: Thanks for reaching out. Safe travels, Traveler, and we hope you’re able to begin making the zooey connections you need to make! Our next letter comes from Oral Lover in Orange County. Oral writes, “Dear Zooey: My father taught me that, when it comes to the Birds and the Bees, it’s my duty before I get off to make my partner cum first. Bet he would have a heart attack knowing that I use that advice on my female animal partners. I truly believe that he was right in this regard, though, as I find it very exciting to see my partner hit orgasm before I ever even penetrate. But I’m having a problem that I hope you can help me with. For years, my partner was a sexy goat that I knew just how to hit all the right spots, with my fingers and tongue. Now my partner is a lovely mix breed bitch. I try doing the same things orally that I did with my last partner but it just doesn’t seam to be working. I truly wish to please her orally, I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Is this a common problem with zoos that change species? Please help!”

Toggle: I love a man that puts his partner first in bed.

Zooey: Rawr, me, too! Your father definitely taught you well.

Toggle: Here’s the thing, though, Oral: regardless of whether or not you change species, every woman is different, and they like different things. There’s no “one size fits all” when it comes to oral, which makes this question a little difficult to address. Nevertheless, we reached out to our oral experts for advice, and hopefully this will be of use to you.

Zooey: It’s true that every woman is different, but it’s definitely true, Oral, that a goat and a bitch aren’t quite anatomically set up the same way. A canine’s clitoris isn’t in the same place, so if you’re aiming for the same spots, you’re likely going to miss it.

Toggle: A little foreplay goes a long way. With your partner standing, and with her consent, try gently squeezing her vulva by encircling it with your thumb and forefinger: thumb on top, forefinger bent and encircling the underside. You should feel her clit get hard, and she may hump your hand to encourage you to continue forward.

Zooey: Our experts recommend that smooching your pooch is easier with her lying on her back. Gently suck on her clit between your lips like a straw, then lick its underside. If she bucks her hips against your face or begins licking her chops, you’re hitting the right spot.

Toggle: We stress this every time, but it’s worth stressing again: LISTEN to your partner, and remember that at any time, consent can be withdrawn. Furthermore, close attention to your partner’s body language will help you gauge when you’re hitting the exact right spot, or whether you need to move just a liiiiittle to the left, or just a hair to the right. Again, no two dogs have exactly the same spot, so knowing exactly where your fingers need to go or where to focus your tongue isn’t an exact science. Compared to a goat, though, you generally don’t need to reach too far to find a canine’s g-spot. She will definitely guide you, so pay attention! And for the love of Dog, please mind your nails!

Zooey: Clearly, Oral, you’re experienced in knowing when a woman is having the time of her life, or when she’s just not into it. And remember, the other side of the coin is that not everyone likes oral. There’s a chance your bitch just doesn’t get off on it.

Toggle: With any luck, our advice leads to some very ecstatic zoomies in the near future. Though we’ve given you some basic pointers, always listen to your partner, Oral, and you’ll never go wrong.

Zooey: That’s all the time we have for today, folks! Thanks so much for tuning in! We look forward to answering all your zooey relationship questions next episode! Keep those submissions coming!

Toggle: We’ll see you next time on Ask Zooey! Same zoo time, same zoo channel!

Outro

Fausty: Thanks, friends, for listening to Zooier Than Thou.

Toggle: Next full moon, we want to talk about women in the community, but we feel wholly inadequate to cover this topic as a bunch of guys and a drag queen. Thankfully, we have a special guest host and some special interview guests joining us to give us the perspective we can’t hope to give ourselves.

Fausty: It’s gonna be well worth the wait, so don’t miss it for anything!

Toggle: You can subscribe to the podcast via our RSS feed: just point your favourite podcast client at rss.zoo.wtf and off you go. You can even find us on Spotify, Youtube, Alexa, and the one-who-must-be-named. We’re everywhere!

Fausty: Our podcast’s website is, yep, zoo.wtf. Twitter @ZooierThanThou, and you can follow Zooey’s knotty advice @AskZooey. Follow Fausty @lecontespink, and Toggle @OneBigGrumpyRat!

Toggle: A reminder that we have a form that enables anonymous submissions to the podcast on our website, zoo.wtf! You can share with the world some of your zooey wisdom, Ask Zooey for 10 hot insider tips on hot crumping action with your sexiest drafty boy, or send us death threats from your home IP address… what could possibly go wrong?

Fausty: You can contact co-host Fausty through his website, fausty.org, or whisper your secret in Mr. PeanutButter’s ear, and maybe he’ll feel compelled to contact me finally!

Toggle: Zooier Than Thou wants to be free, man. Share it with everyone! Peace, love, and podcasts!

Fausty: All nonhumans involved in the production of this episode have been certified 100% free of performance anxiety!

Toggle: Did you know that crumping is a thing? I didn’t!

Fausty: I know what crumping is, and I’m really, really good at it! Be nice to each other. It’s the sexiest, zooiest thing you can do. This is old man Fausty, and I’m sitting here randy as a 16 year old thinking about crumping.

Toggle: And this is Toggle, and I know what I’m doing for the next half hour, and you’ve almost finished listening to Zooier Than Thou! Stay Defiant, fellow zoos! We’ll see you next time you feel like howling at the moon!

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Artists wish to go uncredited, but this wouldn’t be the same without their work!

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

Music

“Lobby Time,” “Airport Lounge,” “Gymnopedie No.1,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Variety Show Segment Intro Tv Music,” “Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,”  
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

BM-NAueHWwiZQ26TgX9iXPqtiMjMBB5dc5t

Disclaimer/Intro

(The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains mature content and language, and may not be appropriate for younger audiences. Thanks for understanding.)

Fausty: Greetings, my friends and fellow zoos, and welcome to another uplifting episode of the zooiest of zooey podcasts, Zooier Than Thou. I’m Fausty, a grey-muzzle zoo adding my oldster perspectives to the podcast…

Toggle: And this is Toggle. Don’t mind me, I’m just cloud-surfing behind this plane like Kit Cloudkicker.

Fausty: We have the honor of serving as your co-hosts for this episode of Zooier Than Thou!

Toggle: I don’t know about you, Fausty, but I’m still feeling that zoo pride high from earlier this month!

Fausty: Indeed, indeed. Speaking of zoo pride, it’s really been something to see how all the other zoo podcasts celebrated. Of particular note, Zoostradamus’s podcast made some very favorable predictions about the health of the zoo community in the coming future. Given their history of making impressively-accurate predictions, let’s hope this one comes true, eh?

Toggle: Radio Dog Lovers went a bit more avant-garde and just played a solid hour of dogs barking over downtempo beats, which was interesting.

Fausty: They’re always one step ahead of the game, if I’m being perfectly honest. We’re nowhere near cool enough to pull off a stunt like that – obviously – though I must say RDL made it work and made it work with their usual panache and fashionable je ne sais quois.

Toggle: Yeah, it was surprisingly listenable.

Fausty: And our colleagues over at the venerable Zootopia podcast…

Toggle: Zoo Utopia. They had to change it, remember?

Fausty: Right, sorry. There’s some blurry bits of the spring months, on account of some of my cancer treatment, and from time to time I lose data points…

Toggle: About Zoo Utopia?

Fausty: Ah, right! So, Zoo Utopia actually covered the Zoo Pride Parade over in Pittsburgh live! I wasn’t able to attend -cancer – though I heard from friends that it was quite the shindig.

Toggle: They actually had a lot more attendees than the Straight Pride parade in Seattle a few years back.

Fausty: That’s actually not saying much. Whatever the case, it was a real treat to listen to the live coverage, realtime.

Toggle: Needless to say, we’re visibly swollen with pride here at Zooier Than Thou, and it seems some of our listeners felt the same! After our episode aired, we got a couple more audio submissions, and so we thought we’d play them for you now!

(Cue Audio Submissions)

“I admit I was a little skeptical at the concept of zoo pride. I guess I thought that it might be some kind of shameless self-promotion. While I’m not really interested in self-promotion, I am shameless. And I think that if the culmination of all this is that zoosexuality becomes ubiquitous and otherwise unremarkable in the context of someone’s whole other life, it’s a really good thing, and I’m happy to be a part of it.”

“For me, zoo pride is beyond just being proud of yourself, or being who you are, being able to stand up to anyone who will judge you for that. It’s also the ability of being proud of the relationships that you can form with animals, the ability to treat them as people.”

Fausty: Speaking personally, I have been deeply touched by many of the listener submissions on the topic of zoo pride. In addition to the wonderful diversity of views on what zoo pride means to each of is, the overall zeitgeist of the community – the pride in our pride, as it were – comes through in each and every one of those submissions. Bravo, fellow zoos!

Toggle: Without further ado, let’s dive into this episode’s late-arriving batch of zoo pride submissions. First up, here’s a zoo pride submission from Our Friendly Neighborhood Zoosexual. Subject: “Hey I think I might be late so if that’s the case sorry and do whatever you like!”

Fausty: What we’d most like to do, Friendly, is share your comments so off we go!

Toggle: Friendly writes: “What does Zoo Pride mean to me?

“For me zoo pride means never having to be ashamed of who I am, that the sexuality that I just happen to have makes me neither hero nor monster, but instead it’s our actions that make us who we actually are. Zoo pride means allowing myself to live to my fullest potential even if there are those who may hate and fear us for existing; the hope that greater things will come; and most important of all, the celebration of all the wonderful nonhuman relationships in my life this far, whether they were platonic or otherwise!

“As for the zoo pride day/week which until just a little while ago, I didn’t even know was even a thing, that is until I started listing to your show (thanks for that BTW) Zoo pride day/week also reminds me that we may have a long ways to go, but its things such as this show where people can hear from zoos who are actually decent people, that’s what bring us a whisker closer.”

Fausty: We certainly hope it’s a hair more than a whisker, Friendly, though we certainly agree that there’s much work yet to be done and many challenges yet in store. Your focus on living to our fullest potential certainly resonates with me, and it’s great to hear that you are also seeing this as a central element of our pride in ourselves.

Toggle: Friendly continues: “Also speaking of your show I think both of your humor is spot on, and poor Toggle totally sounds like he’s got balls, lol!” See, even the listeners know that rat balls are massive and that they drop during times of arousal or dominance.

Fausty: You must not feel very dominant, then, cuz those balls, they haven’t dropped yet. I’m not talking hypothetically, mind you: sitting here, right now, I can see (since, like so many rats for whatever reason, Toggle wears this weird-assed outfit that covers his top half but leaves his boy-parts visible for all the world to see… if he had boy-parts, that is, which I’m not quite sure to be honest. Never seen ‘em, not even once.)

Toggle: Fausty’s just jealous because I don’t have to worry about sitting on my balls all the time.

Fausty: I’m more than happy to work around the management issues involved in having actual testicles, actually, for a whole host of reasons. One of which is, frankly, that it’s a hell of a lot better than sounding like some kind of Mickey Mouse motherfucker.

Toggle: Don’t make me reach over there and rip that Prince Albert right out of your cock!

Fausty: Whoa, hey now! No need for violence! Someday perhaps you’ll manifest balls, and then you’ll understand what you’ve been missing thus far. Patience, patience…

Toggle: Haha, one of these days, you’ll see. You’ll wake up and think, “These aren’t my glasses.”

Fausty: The elk does that even mean?

Toggle: Don’t worry, there’s a furry out there laughing right now, and that’s good enough for me.

Fausty: Oh heavens – furry in-jokes… I shouldn’t be surprised! Do you have more to share from that letter, Mr. Rat?

Toggle: Ah, yes, it concludes: “Thank you for putting on this show! I know right now it’s just a grain of sand on a whole beach of other more main stream zoo podcasts but I think your day will come!”

Fausty: We like to think that, on the great beach that is the universe of zoo podcasts, Zooier Than Thou is a beautiful little shell: sure, we’re on the fringe, but our fringe existence is 100% pure fabulous!

Toggle: Thanks so much, Friendly Neighborhood Zoosexual! Stay proud, and Stay defiant!

Fausty: Who’s next, Toggle?

Toggle: That would be this heartwarming letter from Canis Gnosis, who wants to say Thank You! Canis writes: “Howdy there, fellow zoos!

Firstly, I’d like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

“Between the fragmentation and disillusionment of our community, the constant witch-hunts, and having lost my canine partner some years back, my own mental health (much less any sense of pride in myself) had been worn down to the quick. About two weeks ago (as of this writing) some anti-zoo shit-storming over on Twitter had done a number on my state of mind, pushing me to seek out something–anything–zoo-related and positive left on the internet… And that’s when I stumbled across Zooier Than Thou.

“I cannot fully put into words the difference I feel now. Not only is you guys’ podcast positive, it’s optimistic! Let’s just say that ZooTT and I are on the same page when it comes to opinions on morality, visibility, and zoophilia’s place in the world. I haven’t felt anywhere this much pride in who I am or my community in a very long time. A long-lasting bout of depression I had been struggling with has broken, and my spirits are as high now as when I first joined the online zeta community almost twenty years ago.

“Zooier Than Thou has got me seriously thinking on ways I can help out with the cause of zoosexual rights and positive visibility. I’ve already circulated the tapes–as it were–to all my zooey and zooish friends online who seemed just as hungry for this kind of content as I was. There are a plethora of zetas within both the Furry and Other-kin communities, either closeted, self-hating or just with their head’s down, who desperately need to hear a self-affirming, pro-zoosexual voice. They just need to hear it.

“It’s amazing what a little pride, and hope for the future can do for someone. Thank you again <3”

Fausty: Toggle and I were talking about the podcast recently, in the context of my health challenges (which is to say, cancer), and I can say that the work we’ve done on the podcast since its launch earlier this year has been a high point for me on so many levels. It’s been an honor to be part of this project, More, it’s reinforced for me the value of positive, forward-looking approaches to community questions and that’s helped me through some tough times, like dealing with chemo-related ugliness during the past few months. Knowing that our work, in turn, helps others is just the sort of virtuous feedback loop we all hope to be part of.

Toggle: When I first read this letter, it made me feel so happy I just had to share it on Twitter. Every now and then, we get messages like these that affirm that we’re doing the right thing by putting together this podcast. I’ve never worked on anything that gave me such a sense of goodness and purpose like Zooier Than Thou. If we make the life of even one animal or one zoo better, then every moment we pour into this is worth it. Hearing this sort of thing gives me strength to persevere. Thanks, Canis Gnosis. You really did make my day with your e-mail. I’m so glad that we could have a positive impact on your life.

Fausty: We had a few more e-mails come our way, but we’re gonna hold onto them until the New Moon episode for now. Even if we haven’t responded yet, we do read every e-mail that comes across our desk, and we do respect when messages are marked as private, so don’t hesitate to send your thoughts along. Even though it’s a wonderful problem to have, by now we could easily fill each episode with nothing but submissions from listeners – and there’s more to share than just these wonderful messages, so we’ll keep doing our best to highlight those that resonate most strongly.

Toggle: Alright, Fausty, what’s today’s primary focus?

Fausty: This episode, we’re exploring the various ways in which today’s zoos have chosen to build our lives – and in doing so we’ve been reminded of just how diverse, creative, and flexible zoos are when it comes to structuring our life paths and integrating our zooish identities with the rest of our most important attributes. There’s no one right way to “be zoo” – indeed, take 100 zoos and we’ll have 100 different and complimentary ways of being zoos. Whilst there’s some things about us that do bind us together into a community – our respect for our nonhuman peers, or empathy, our ability to build deep relationships beyond the confines of human existence – those commonalities exist alongside the wondrous diversity of zooish experiences and zooish living arrangements. This episode, we turn our focus to that diversity and to the wisdom to be found in learning from how others have crafted their own zoo lives.

Toggle: Coming up next, a word from our sponsors, then an interview with a zoo-exclusive zoo, Yankee Doodle Donkey!

Fausty: Don’t change that dial… err, these newfangled podcast-y things don’t have dials, do they? Anyhow don’t change the controls of your podcast player, and we’ll be right back with more zooey good times.

This week’s sponsors

Announcer: This week’s episode is brought to you by:

ZooVille. It’s like WhoVille, but for zoos. We know you’re just here for the articles.

And also by:

Zed’s Zooey Bed and Breakfast: Sí, hablamos español! No estoy en la oficina en este momento. Envianos cualquier trabajo para traducirlo.

And finally:

Zooier Than Thou is brought to you by the letter P. Because who doesn’t like P? Besides, Z won’t return our calls.

Secret Zoo – Alexander the Great

(The scene is set in an army camp at meal time)

Toggle Soldier: Hey, this seat taken?

Soldier 1: Naw, have a seat. You must be new ‘round here.

Toggle Soldier: Heh, yeah. Thanks.

Soldier 2: My, they’re sure conscripting soldiers younger and younger these days. Pretty sure this kids balls haven’t even dropped.

Toggle Soldier: Hey! I’m old enough to kick your ass!

Soldier 1: Relax, kid, he’s just teasin’ ya. Sit down, have a bite to eat. We’ve got a long way to go tomorrow.

Toggle: Hey, so, ya’ll have been here for a while, right?

Soldier 2: You could say that. Seen countless battles, and still not dead yet.

Toggle: So, what’s the deal with the king?

Soldier 1: Ha, you’re gonna have to be more specific, kid. King Alexander has a number of… charming eccentricities, shall we say.

Toggle: I just noticed, he… seems to have a way with horses. Or, a specific horse, really. And a pretty specific way!

Soldier 2: You mean his boyfriend Bucephalus?

Toggle: B-boyfriend?

Soldier 1: Oh, yeah, those two are a total power couple. Practically inseparable. Nothing quite like the bond between a Macedonian man and his horse. But they’re on a whole ‘nother level.

Toggle: Yeah, I couldn’t help but notice the way they… interact with one another. Hand-in-glove, you might say…

Soldier 2: Kid, you don’t know the half of it.

Soldier 1: They say old Bucephalus was completely untamable. He’s a beauty of a fella, though, ain’t he? But when the merchant brought him to King Philip, no one could tame that handsome, big brute. Philip was going to turn the merchant away, but the stallion caught our Prince Alexander’s eye, and he proposed that if he could tame the horse, his father must purchase him at once.

Toggle: Yikes, King Alexander does seem to have quite an intimidating presence. I imagine he completely dominated the big beast.

Solder 2: Hardly. He was only 10 years old.

Toggle: Really? How did he dominate such a powerful horse, then?

Soldier 1: He stood and observed him quietly, and then noticed that the horse was particularly sensitive to moving shadows. So, when Prince Alex approached Bucephalus, he did so aware of the play of shadows and how those shadows would appear to the skittish horse. Just like that, Alex was able to earn Bucephalus’ trust and from there he was riding the stallion shortly thereafter.

Toggle: Wow, that seems so simple.

Soldier 1: Simple if you speak horse, maybe. All the other men tried to force their will on the stallion, but Alex alone thought to listen to the animal and work with him on his terms. Pretty impressive for a 10 year old kid.

Soldier 2: Now they’re butt buddies. Only, it’s hard to tell who’s on top, since both of them are such dominant assholes.

Toggle: You really think so?

Soldier 1: Kid, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but King Alexander fucks just about anyone who catches his eye, man or woman. You really think it’s so farfetched that he’s fuckin’ his horse – or the other way, or both at once, who knows!

Toggle: Wow, I guess… that’s not so farfetched. I’ve certainly never seen a horse so devoted to a man before like that.

Soldier 2: Or a man so entirely devoted to a horse.

Soldier 1: Oh, man, kid, you weren’t here when his horse got kidnapped.

Toggle: Kidnapped?

Soldier 1: Oh, yeah, so get this. As King Alex moved us forward on a campaign, Bucephalus was entrusted to staff so as to give him a rest from his duties as a battle steed. Coming up behind the front lines, the group that was caring for Bucephalus was beset by mountain bandits lookin’ to score some treasure. Once they realized that they had actually captured King Alex’s beloved stallion, they immediately let it be known that they would return the horse to Alex upon payment of a ransom.

Toggle: Oh dear, I can’t imagine that went well for them.

Soldier 2: About as well as it could go. Most generals wouldn’t have thought twice about a horse. Lose a horse, get another one.

Soldier 1: But not King Alex and his Bucephalus. Oh, the king was fuckin’ furious! It wasn’t a matter of pride or ego, neither. He was just worried sick about the safety of his horse boyfriend. So the king laid it out for them: unless Bucephalus was returned to him, safe and sound, immediately Alexander would personally lead his army into the mountains, where he would kill every man, woman, and child of the hill tribes responsible for abducting his beloved – no exceptions, no mercy.

Toggle: Holy shit!

Soldier 2: And you know he’d do it, too. Over a fucking horse, no less… a fucking horse who fucks like only a horse can fuck, right?

Soldier 1: Well, these guys were so spooked by his threats that they brought Bucephalus back to King Alexander immediately.

Toggle: Wow, I imagined he killed the shit out of them.

Soldier 2: You’d think. No, he treated them with honour, and he actually paid their fucking ransom. Just so happy to have his boyfriend back. Imagine the great King Alexander, with his white-hot, bloodthirsty fury, feeling so damned relieved that instead of offing them, he showed mercy and gratitude.

Toggle: That’s… actually pretty strange.

Soldier 1: Not when you consider how much he fuckin’ loves that horse. I’m tellin’ ya, kid. Those two are a total power couple.

Toggle: So, everyone’s just… OK with the king ummm… dating a horse?

Soldier 2: Are you going to go up to the great King Alexander the conquerer and tell him that fucking a horse grosses you out?

Toggle: Gosh, I guess not.

Soldier 1: It’s not really a big deal. He’s conquering the world in the name of Macedonia. No one really cares who he fucks. And he’s fuckin’ everyone out here. He likes him his handsome young men, too, so watch yourself, kid.

Toggle: (blushes) Oh, well, you know, I don’t mind so much about that. I guess I don’t really care about the horse, either. I just thought it was kind of strange and remarkable.

Solder 2: If you don’t eat your food, someone else is gonna eat it for you.

Soldier 1: Yeah, less talk, more chow. We’ve got a lot to do tomorrow, and you’re gonna need everything you have. You ain’t got no big brave stallion standing behind you, ready to save your ass when it’s needed, and service it when you’re needy, so you best get your shit together like the rest of us mere mortals and stop daydreaming about King Alex and Bucephalus and what they’re probably doing right this very moment in the general’s camp.

Toggle: O-oh, uh, yes, sir!

Interview with Doodle Donkey

(transcript to follow)

Ask Zooey

Zooey Welcome back to another, exotic, erotic, egregious episode of Ask Zooey, the go-to cross-species sex advice show for the zoo’s who & even a few others, to boot! I’m your Great Dane with a great mane – yes, ladies, these locks are real! – Zooey!

Toggle: And I’m the rat whose googles joggle when he’s boggled, Toggle!

Zooey: We’re so excited that you’re back for our fifth episode working with Zooier Than Thou! After the last episode, we got a flood of human submissions that we’re really excited to tackle! Remember, folks, you can send submissions through the form at zoo.wtf, or – if you swing that way – contact us through our twitter account @AskZooey, that’s A-S-K-Z-O-O-E-Y.

Toggle: That poor account seems a little neglected, Zooey.

Zooey: Honey, it’s all about keeping atop what comes first and twitter serves me, not the other way around. Well ok… I’ll own up to being a bit less than obsessed with twitter-tastic efforts at outreach and I know we can do better. So let me encourage everyone to send in even your simplest questions on twitter – I’ll find time in the day’s adventures to share a thought or two when it counts.

Toggle: Alright, up first, we have a big question from Unsure in the UK.

Zooey: I do so love a British accent, so honey, before we go one step further, you feel free to call me any-time, mmm?

Toggle: Unsure writes, “My boyfriend and I have a very comfortable relationship. We’ve been dating for a number of years, and as much as I love taking his massive, canine cock, sometimes I want to be on top, but I’m not sure how to approach this question with him, to make sure it’s something he’s comfortable with. Beyond that, I’m also not sure how to even go about it if he says yes. In short, Zooey, I wonder if you could explain how to have mutually enjoyable, consensual anal sex with my beloved companion.”

Zooey: What a question. I think it’s safe to say this question is on a lot of people’s minds. Safe, consensual, and mutually enjoyable are definitely the key words – as always! Pushing a bit deeper into the subject, handsome, let’s take a closer look at some of the brass-tacks details.

Toggle: Before we get into the tacks, brass or otherwise, let’s step back and remind ourselves off the bat is that sex – all forms of intimacy, including sex – requires trust, and listening, and understanding, and care. As to the tacks in question, here’s where things get specific: it’s a simple, sexy fact that not everyone – of whatever species – is going to be interested in anal sex. Straight-up, it goes without saying (though we’re saying it, just to be triple-clear) that respecting those boundaries is absolutely the first and second and third inviolate rule when it comes to such matters. No exceptions, no hesitation, no prevarication: no means no, and that’s an answer that isn’t subject to debate.

Zooey: First, second, third, AND fourth – that rule rules the roost, just as dear little Toggle says in that sexy squeaky voice of his! That bottom-level basic premise set solidly in stone, let’s get into some of those sharp brass points of truth, when it comes to things related to bottoms… it should come as no surprise to you, if you’re a gay man, that making sure things are clean is a must. However, no douching. A simple walk in the park should really do the trick. And another no-brainer as a male familiar with anal sex, you’re going to want to use lots of lube. Our experts don’t recommend condoms, simply because they can be a little uncomfortable for the receptive party, but if you feel condoms are necessary, more lube is necessitated as well.

Toggle: If you plan to play with fingers, mind your nails and claws, folks. Personally, as a rat, I don’t like fingers in my butt for precisely this reason. Your partner’s rumps are soft and sensitive, so it’s incredibly important to be mindful of your callouses and nails.

Zooey: Actual entry requires gentle coaxing – after she or he has let you know in no uncertain terms that it’s a green-light to sink a bit deeper into the topic. Your partner does need to be relaxed, which, again, as a male who’s had things stroked passionately into his all-but-begging butt, you should be aware of. Orgasms are actually great for this — an orgasming boy of any species naturally clenches and relaxes his sphincter rhythmically. Timing is very important for this technique of entry, but it’s almost inevitable that you’ll be able to slide in. This technique works with the ladies, as well, so long as she’s relaxed enough and she’s not so full of spunk that she ends up wiggling away from things in her ecstasy.

Toggle: Apart from catching things mid-orgasm, if you help your booty-begging boy to relax, and you’re very gentle and persistent and generous with the lube, you can apply a little bit of pressure to help him ease onto your cock. Slow and steady, and remember to pay attention to your partner. As always, even if he or she has said yes to entering, they can change their mind at any time: you, it goes without saying but we’re saying it anyway just to be triple-sure, will always and forever respect that.

Zooey: Oh honey… this really is an activity that requires trust, and you can very well lose that trust if you don’t absolutely and immediately respect your partner’s desires. One of our experts confessed that in a moment of heated passion, they lost that trust with their partner permanently, even after years of mutually enjoyable penetrative sex. It only takes one moment, so consider this when you and your partner are deciding what sexual activities work best for your relationship. Is the potential orgasm worth the risk of losing a deep trusting bond you’ve fostered over years of your relationship? Not everything’s about sticking that thing someplace and moving about until things get sticky: there’s so much more, and so much on the line when you take trust in your hands… or in other parts of your anatomy, in shared pleasures like this.

Toggle: Always, always, always! listen to your partner; not just their voice, but their entire body, at all times. Some partners – mostly of the two-legged persuasion – may have a cultural taboo when it comes to the concept of “anal sex” – but that’s not universal amoungst everyone, and it’s certainly not as common when we move outside the tight bubble of human expectations. For lots of folks, what’s first and foremost is finding and sharing intimate physical activities that bring loving partners closer to each other: physically, yes, and also emotionally and spiritually. For the more… open-minded of our peers – however many legs they may have carrying them along the path of life – the measure of what’s a welcome addition to sex is whether it’s good for everyone involved: feels good, and also feels safe and closeness-encouraging for catchers & pitchers alike. Don’t assume that, just because some humans think “anal sex” is some big taboo that exists merely to be transgressed or challenged, somehow everyone feels that way! Not at all, not at all – that depends on your partner, and to answer that question you must be good at listening and respecting what they are saying, however they choose to say it!

Zooey: That was a fantastic question, Unsure. I hope this helps you and your partner decide what’s best for you! It’s really no different from any other sort of sexy good fun shared between the two of you: respect and consideration and listening and caring aren’t unique to anal sex, or to any kind of sex… or hell to sex at all! Stick with those basics, and wherever you two frisky folks are thinking about sticking things, you’ll cum out the other end with smiles all around! And, with that, here’s our next question from Is She Interested in Indiana: “Dear Zooey: I volunteer at a place with an absolutely gorgeous mule. I have a huge crush on her, but she sends me mixed signals. Sometimes, she’ll just ignore me when I groom or pet her, but other times she will go right up to my chest and nuzzle me. Also, whenever I walk her back to the paddock, she’ll pee while looking back at me, and then wink while she walks away. Do you think she wants to be more than just co-workers?”

Toggle: Oh, boy, this right here is a classic love story in the making!

Zooey: For those listening at home, we cheerfully confirm that, noooope, winking has nothing to do with batting an eyelash in a four-hooved lady like this.

Toggle: So the big question: Is she interested? Mules in general tend to have a certain inbuilt proclivity to gravitate towards humans, whether the interest is Platonic or perhaps a bit more. From what you’ve told us in your note, Unsure, we both think it’s clear that she likes you: after all, she’s quite clearly showing you affection. The real question is whether or not your more-than-Platonic turn of thought is to go requited or not. As to that, wooing her is quite simple: no more and no less, it’s all about sharing with her your extra time. Spend a little longer grooming her. Show her that you care. And most importantly, show her your intent. She may be ignoring you when you groom her because you haven’t been stallion enough to let her know you’re interested. Though, I have to wonder if you haven’t already made your move, since she’s giving you a wink. She’s talking, you’re listening… that’s always the right place to start!

Zooey: For those of you who are equine-illiterate, an amorous mare – whether horse or mule – will flex her vulva for potential suitors when she’s feeling the heat (whether in actual estrus or simply happy to receive carnal attentions at that point in time). This is called winking.

Toggle: When spending time together, pay attention to how she reacts to you. If she’s comfortable with you being near her hindquarters, and she’s raising her tail for you, those generally are ways for her to let you know that she sees you as a potential mate. If she pulls away or shows signs of discomfort at your advances, sorry big boy but – for now – you’re barking up the no-tree of polite refusal. Mules are proud, intelligent, and willful. She will absolutely let you know her intentions: basically, if and when things have moved a bit further and you show her yours, don’t be surprised when she shows you whether things are all-ahead-go or nope-not-now-fella.

Zooey: Thanks so much for showing us that you’re Interested. In our humble opinions, it does sound like your crush is likely already returned in kind by that big girl, and we wish you the best of luck if the two of you decide to go ahead and take that relationship to the next level! A wink like that is nothing to scoff at… oh no, not even a hint of a scoff.

Toggle: Our last question for the evening comes from I’ll Be In the Lab in Livermore. In the Lab writes: “Dear Zooey: My aunt has a beautiful chocolate lab who I’ve been taking care of since we were both just wee young pups. As we grew up together, our love blossomed deeper and deeper, and eventually, we took things to the next level. She’s truly amazing, and our sex together is just so spectacularly, consistently mutually satisfying. Despite all that, I find myself wracked with guilt after each encounter, since – well, in raw words, she belongs to my aunt. For all the usual reasons, I haven’t told my aunt about our secret trysts, since basically I worry she wouldn’t approve even though I don’t really know or not. My girl and I are madly in love, everything about our time together is just so great for both of us, but… should I really keep our relationship going, or should I put an end to it since she belongs to another?”

Zooey: With this question, In the Lab has oh-so-gently stroked a very hot-button issue in the zoo community. Right upfront, all of us here feel like we know the answer we’re supposed to give, buuuuut… after talking about it with all the zoos on staff ‘round here, we feel this question calls on us to dive a bit deeper, try a bit harder, expect more than the standard “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” kind of reply.

Toggle: First off, I am going to say that it’s very hard – pretty much impossible, if we’re going to stay honest and stay legit – for any of us at Ask Zooey, heck even anyone at Zooier Than Thou, to get up on our high horse (up on, not up in… geez!) and preach hypocritically that someone can only be in a relationship with someone four-legged whom they legally “own.” My first zooey experiences were with a relative’s dog – nobody I owned, at the time or at any time thereafter. Straight-up clandestine rendezvous-level shit, yep. Fausty and Kyon both had their sexual awakening with a neighbor’s dog – and they’ve both been upfront and honest about that in public for ages, and stood by those honest recollections. Not only are we not an unusual sample from amoungst zoos out there, but really we’re about as typical as the typical zoo gets in that regard; those who came of age with someone they “owned” are in a very small minority of zoos out there, and that’s simply empirical fact – no judgment, no ethical conclusion, just a fact to set the stage. As such, courting animals that don’t “belong” to us is absolutely a very typical – perhaps the single-most typical – part of coming of age physically and personally as a zoo. Sooo, I think that when we get into this semantic space, we’re reckoning with two very different judgment-deriving systems that are in such situations nearly always at odds with one another: on the one paw, we’ve got the zooey morality which recognizes animals as autonomous individuals with the right to choose their own partners for their own reasons on their own terms with no role for a slave-style “owner” stepping in to decide who gets to lick or mount whom and when. And then, on the other paw we’ve got the mundane legal system of judgment that governs animals as no more and no less than pure personal property. When it comes to zoos and the vagaries of youthful zoo “dating,” those two systems are rarely going to agree on what’s right and what’s not. Again, that’s a simple fact and it’s a good thing to set out upfront.

Zooey: Right, all that said and after we’ve done our work in consulting more than a few of our fellow zoos, we’re all lined up here with the ethical conclusion that there is nothing morally wrong with courting our four-legged friends who are – in legalistic terms – “owned” by another human. Nonhumans, after all, have not only the ability but much more so the inalienable right to make the choice to engage in physical, intimate terms with whomever they wish. Consider, if you will, a system in which humans are regarded as property, for the ease of understanding this conclusion. If you fall in love with a human woman, do you go to her owner and ask for permission to date your beloved lady friend? Perhaps, out of a sense of propriety… or because it’s safest (legally), or for some other reason outside of the realm of pure ethics. But… if her owner says no, do we recognize a moral imperative to honor that choice even though our newly-beloved says the exact opposite? No, we as zoos most certainly do not!

Toggle: When we put it in straight-up human slavery terms like that, it sounds pretty fucking barbaric, right? In the same way, if we recognize and indeed celebrate the reality of our nonhuman peers as autonomous agents, both willing and more than eager to make their own informed, adult decisions about their own romantic or intimate connections, then there’s just no way to make that fundamentally zooish recognition sit comfortably alongside some sort of moral requirement that we seek acquiescence from human “owners” prior to accepting intimate overtures from a nonhuman love interest. It’s wet, or dry – can’t be both, not at the same time, no how no way.

Zooey: Right then, we’re all in perfectly unanimous agreement that, looking at things purely from an ethical or moral zooish perspective – just that, no other sides brought into the mix! – not only is there nothing wrong with your relationship, In the Lab, but that to make such decisions based solely on the wishes of her “owners” would be a clear and troubling ethical failure on your part! In the land of pure ethics, it’s an open and shut case. Ah but, honey, none of us live in that pure land of ethics, and in this degraded old world of real risks and real consequences, we’ve simply got to mesh that purely perfect moral conclusion with the hard facts of living responsible lives: to ourselves, to our communities, and most of all to our nonhuman partners themselves.

Toggle: Even among humans, if you have a tryst with a young woman without her father’s permission, whilst we may all (nowadays) agree that what we’ve done is not morally wrong, we’re all also gonna face up to the fact that there could be consequences if he’s inclined to pull out his shotgun. And as backwards as it is morally, in our society nonhumans are – despite many efforts to break in new paradigms and less slavery-based models – legally recognized as property. So we suggest that while you shouldn’t feel bad – morally or ethically – about your relationship, basic precautions and practical considerations should be a co-equal concern of yours. She can’t balance that side of things – they’re human issues, and as the human in your relationship it’s 100% up to you to do so on behalf of both of you. Do NOT let your moral clarity cloud the practical responsibilities placed on your shoulders as a result of your wonderful relationship, ITL.

Zooey: Love has no bounds, In the Lab. It crosses genders, species, and sometimes, property lines. You have our blessing, as zooish examples in our own (earlier, younger) lives and as zooish folks always putting the views and interests of the nonhumans involved first and foremost. Buuuut… don’t be stupid or reckless, for both your sake and for your beautiful lab’s sake. We have a responsibility to our partners to keep them safe, and that always comes before our own needs and desires. Thanks for your very topical letter.

Toggle: We’ve got a number of excellent questions piling up from our listeners. If you haven’t heard your question answered today, don’t give up! There’s always more zooey advice in store for every single episode!

Zooey: That said, we are indeed out of time. We appreciate each and every one of our fabulous listeners for tuning in every month! We look forward to seeing you all again for more tales of cross-species romance!