Day: August 19, 2019

Concept: Fausty

Execution: Toggle

Artists wish to go uncredited, but this wouldn’t be the same without their work!

Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.

Special Thanks to everyone in the community that participated in this episode! We love you so much!

Music

“Lobby Time,” “Airship Serenity,” “Bossa Antigua,” “Airport Lounge,”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

“Variety Show Tv Theme Music,” “We’ll Be Right Back Cut to Commercial Tv Music,” “Variety Show Segment Intro Tv Music,” “Tv Talk Show Intro Music,” “Radio Show Finale Fanfare,” “Old Time Radio American Music,”  
Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”

“The Four Seasons – Spring – Movement 1 Allegro,” written by Vivaldi, performed by John Harrison with the Wichita State University Chamber Players

“Tempel Iaru,” by Pyramidal, from the album Dawn in Space, provided by “Free music for youtube videos”

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEbThM6E_J9V23g3kKaGmYQ

Wanna contact Fausty on BitMessage? 

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Disclaimer/Intro

(The Zooier Than Thou podcast contains mature content and language, and may not be appropriate for younger audiences. Thanks for understanding.)

Fausty: Greetings and salutations, friends and fellow zoos. Our warmest welcome to our latest full moon episode of Zooier Than Thou: 6.0. I’m still Fausty, that zoo who shows unwavering defiance in the face of bigotry, hatred, and stage four metastatic malignant melanoma… and I’m still not dead, damnit!

Toggle: And I’m Toggle, a 400 pound incel!

Fausty: As has become traditional, we’ll be your co-hosts for this episode’s adventures and escapades.

Toggle: Wow, what a week.

Fausty: Indeed, my friend. Indeed. It’s been one heck of a week.

Toggle: With Zooier Than Thou growing from a novel idea into… well into something that means a lot to lots of zoos around the world, there’s been real pressure behind the scenes to keep setting high standards – and keep meeting them. That’s not just about what gets produced – the podcast – but it’s also about how we get there, and how we work with each other along the way. Everyone working to make this podcast what it is wants to see it keep doing good things – and everyone has different ideas about what it takes to do it.

Fausty: Apart from providing cheesy puns and gratuitously zooey in-jokes, it’s largely my job around here to keep the process side of things running smoothly – from task admin tools through scheduling procedures. Along the way, I do my best to set a good example in how I work with others and in how we, collectively, work with each other. When things fall apart there, I know it’s time to hit the brakes and make sure we get it right. This week I did just that, and we’ve taken some time to step back, evaluate where we’re at, and decide on what needs to be improved.

Toggle: And more than that, Fausty, you yourself have felt like things were not right. And some of that actually came down to a discussion you and I had about, shall we say, a somewhat esoteric question of grammatical analysis. Of all things.

Fausty: Yep, that’s not wrong. I got to where I had lost confidence in how I’ve been managing things, and I got to feeling like we as a team were losing sight of what’s central to everything we strive for in this podcast: mutual respect, celebration of diversity, community engagement, rigorous analysis, and perhaps above all else a shared sense of belonging and wellbeing. Once we run astray there, I know from my experience as a leader and as a zoo that we’re not going to make the durable, meaningful progress that’s so important to us all.

Toggle: No question that you take that stuff seriously. This week, you stopped dead in your tracks and meticulously picked through every element of what we’re doing. I hope by now that you feel like those worries are put to rest – or at least put into a place where you don’t feel they are barriers to the future?

Fausty: Well, yes. Yes, I do. I feel like we’ve made some important progress and, personally, I am honoured by and grateful for the support, kindness, loyalty, dedication, and caring I’ve seen from so many friends and colleagues on this project and in our community. I’ve learned alot about what it takes to nurture a spectacularly effective project management culture within our zoo world – and I’ve learned from my own mistakes in approaching things like I would as a leader of tech projects, as opposed to what we’re doing here. Overall, It’s been a humbling, challenging, frightening, inspiring, empowering week. Wow… that’s alot of “ing’.”

Toggle: You can get a bit lost in the ing’s, big fella – it’s ok.

Fausty: It’s not all broad generalizations and vague platitudes – I promise. We’re also moving forward with some “in the future” components of Zooier Than Thou that are ripe for rollout. Sometimes it’s not easy to keep up with how fast this podcast has gone from an idea to… something bigger than any of us, individually. So without further ado, what’s on the agenda, my gonad-challenged colleague? I see you sitting over there, rolling your eyes at my “too many words” blather and uniquely historical perspective…

Toggle: Right, ok well… and just between you and I, double-dog-secret for now, but we’re experimenting with some more formal ways that listeners can participate more directly in bringing each episode together. Like: we’re asking for help in producing transcripts of each episode – I do that now, in my ‘spare time’ (ha!)…

Fausty: …in other words, it doesn’t really get done because you no longer have any more spare time.

Toggle: Exactly! I don’t – and that’s ok, since more of my time goes into other parts of the podcast nowadays. So that’s one place we’re grateful for listener help – if you want to lend a paw, let us know. Same goes for, let’s see… translations – already a few folks offering to pitch in, there. And we’ve been testing out a “contributor’s chat” to create space to work with everyone helping out with the podcast: operationally, voice talent, outreach, financially. Everyone who cares enough to help make it sing, basically, is the idea.

Fausty: I’m testing out some collaboration tools alongside the Telegram contributors’ chat, such as github to fine-tune transcripts and translations. And we’re always keen to hear from folks who can help with tech admin tasks. Although I’m doing ok, I do have terminal cancer and it’s essential that we avoid bottlenecks dependent on me for long-range project success. We need to expand our tech admin bench, so let me know if you swim in those waters and are able to pitch in. Yes, Toggle, I see you raising your hand over there like a kid in junior high…

Toggle: Oh piss off, you silly old dog. Can you update everyone on your cancer situation? I know some of what makes things… emotionally charged, sometimes, with you is that you’ve got this whole other thing going on behind the scenes and maybe it’s good for you to open some of that up instead of doing the stiff-upper-lip demonstration?

Fausty: Which I suck at anyway, so who’s kidding who, right? So yes: cancer. Two weeks ago, I went in for radiation treatment of a lesion that has appeared in my cerebellum – the brain area that controls balance, movement, and such. So far the treatment appears successful, though it wasn’t as much fun to have gamma rays focussed into my brain for an hour as it sounds like upfront. I’m still receiving adjuvant targeted chemotherapy to control further spread of the melanoma tumors, and so far that’s been successful. Overall I’m not dead – which is a good thing – and overall I could be and have been much sicker than I am now. What happens next? Nobody knows, that’s the simple truth. I could be dead in two weeks… or alive two decades from now.

Toggle: And meanwhile you’re staying active, aren’t you?

Fausty: Right, yes: active. I’m in training for a 50k trail ultramarathon in November, in Virginia. It’s an optimistic goal, and I’m doing everything I can to turn that goal into an accomplishment. And I’m deeply grateful for everyone who has taken the time to share kind thoughts, good advice, genuine encouragement, and motivational stories – I’d never had survived this long, gotten this far, without that. It reminds me just what it means to be part of a community – a real community, with shared goals and group loyalty and a collective dedication to making the world a happier, healthier, wilder, funnier… zooier place, for everyone. You folks fucking rock – all of you. A special thanks to a certain D and a certain R – two extraordinary folks amidst an extraordinary community. Thank you so much for everything you’ve shared. I am honoured. Namaste.

Toggle: This whole project is about you, zoo nation, and we’re thinking of you every step of the way. And in that spirit, let’s tackle a couple of e-mails!

Fausty: First up, we’ve got one from The Wondering Wolf.

Toggle: The Wolf writes: “I’m quite new to the zoo community and see myself as at least an ally if not a zoophile myself. I listened to this episode at last after talking to Toggle on twitter and being recommended to listen to it since I was asking about pride and experiences about being a zoo.” He’s talking about the zoo pride episode. “I may not have gotten to know you Fausty, but I know how important it is to embrace being yourself and to listen to others. I thank you for being open and genuine and I thank the podcast in general for giving zoophiles a voice that otherwise may not be heard. Take care, stay safe and of course stay zooey!”

Fausty: Whether Wandering or Wondering, Wolf, your welcome is… I ran out of alliterative w’s, sorry sbout that! Anyhow, welcome – new zoo.

Toggle: Or zoo ally, at least. For those who missed it, I actually did bite the bullet and start a personal zoo twitter account last month, and it’s been kind of a blast, which I didn’t really expect. This fella did actually contact me and asked me, apropos of nothing, what being a zoo meant to me and when I first realized I was a zoo, etc. etc.. And so I simply pointed him to the podcast episode from Zoo Pride Day.

Fausty: I’m too scared to get on twitter – seems so technical and complex, and I’m just not good with computers. Sad!

Toggle: Fausty, you dork. He’s been on twitter since, like, before twitter started or something, handle @lecontespink. He also helps run the @crossspecies twitter account, and the bigot’s blocklist. Since he won’t say it, I will: what with terminal cancer and all that, he’s barely been on twitter since this spring. So if you tried to contact him and he didn’t reply, please don’t be pissed at him. There’s all sorts of ways to contact him listed on his website – you can get there via fausty.org. Or DM me and I’ll get you in touch with him, if it comes to that. He’s doing his best, really he is. Also, if you’re interested, you can check out my personal twitter @OneBigGrumpyRat. Remember, though, that if you follow, it IS a public account and people CAN see that you’re following, even if your account is locked.

Fausty: Wow, that’s… embarrassingly honest. Thank you. Reminds me that we got a private email that, generally, brought up the question of whether it’s ok to promote zoophilia – obviously I can’t share details, because private email. I did want to reply by saying that I don’t see anything we do as promoting zoophilia – any more than a podcast covering the LGBT community is promoting homosexuality, or whatever. Because there’s zoos as part of the constellation of human sexual diversity – always have been, always will be. It’s part of our genetic heritage, inherent in what it means to be human. So we’re not really promoting something that exists whether we do something or nothing at all. What we do promote is healthy expressions of zooish orientations, respectful zooish relationships, and a positive zoo community within which we may continue to bring out the best in each other and celebrate the best of who we – and our partners – are. And, I mean, obviously it’s good to promote constructive and healthy expressions of who we are – that’s good for everyone, and it’s well worth the effort. We are as good – or as bad – as we choose to be, and as we help each other to become. Nobody outside of us makes us either good or bad; that’s up to us. Everything we do here at Zooier Than Thou promotes precisely that; doing our best, being our best, bringing out the best in each other.

Toggle: There’s no one right way to “do zoo” – the diversity in our community is breathtaking and beautiful and just plain bodacious. Dog zoos. Horse zoos. Cervine and porcine and ursine and a whole bunch of other ine’s – we’re as different as can be imagined – and also we’re all zoos because for us the world is bigger than just hairless monkeys with two legs and weird swollen skulls. We’re all zoos because we all know that seeing the world through the eyes of someone different from us is pretty much the single most amazing thing a human being can every do – and as zoos we do it effortlessly, as part of who we are and who we love and how we connect to the world around us. Sometimes it’s fucking hard – “brick hard,” the greymuzzle currently staring out the window and dreaming of Mr. Peanut Butter might say – because diversity means we’re not all the same. That’s ok – we work it out and we remain friends even through the rough spots. That’s also what it means to be a zoo: we watch each others’ backs even when we don’t always see eye to eye. Community is loyalty and loyalty is huge.

Fausty: Did someone say “Mr. Peanut Butter?” Anyhow, apparently not… I don’t see him anywhere. Damnit. Who’s up next?

Toggle: None of your Business, Dog fucker!

Fausty: What the elk, Toggle? It’s fuck-ee, not fuck-er – get it right, rodent. And don’t get my hopes up – this studio is as canine-free as the Trump White House. The horror, the horror….

Toggle: No, silly, that’s actually the alias they chose: “dogfucker.”

Fausty: Oh right ok – fair enough.

Toggle: None-ya writes, “You bunch of absolute assholes need to stop spreading your lies about zoophilia. It’s illegal, immoral, illogical, and is just an excuse for you bunch of fags to not get laid. You both sound like a bunch of 400 pound incels, especially the faggot who puts on a voice in your videos.”

Fausty: Geez, had to come at me about my weight problem – that hurts! Oh hold on, no it doesn’t – I can barely hold 200 pounds nowadays, between the chemotherapy and the weekly training coming up towards 40 miles of trail work per. So actually that’s funny – I bet I know who IS fat and lazy and out of shape… and that’s the sad-piece who sent this awesome bundle of fail.

Toggle: “Also, PS, the LGBT community doesn’t want your sick asses. Respectfully yours, None ya.”

Fausty: Wow. I’m not sure where to begin unpacking this one.

Toggle: Honestly, insults are a lot less hurtful when they’re not based in any sort of reality. And I gotta love the added touch where they inform us about the wishes of LGBT community while calling us fags.

Fausty: Honestly, this whole message is a choclatey, hot mess from top to bottom.

Toggle: Pretty pathetic. Not the most pathetic hatemail we got this week, but a close second. And, incidentally, also the second hate mail we’ve ever gotten! Congrats! You’re second best, and second worst, all at once!

Fausty: Being called an incel by an actual incel is recursively lol-worthy. Though I suppose chemo does sorta make me celibate occasionally – comes with the territory. Can’t say I’m feeling particularly ashamed of that… hold on… yeah no, not at all. I tried, but sorry: nope.

Toggle: Thanks for your heartfelt e-mail, None-Ya. It was kind of fun getting hate mail for a change! Also, you left your IP address behind, and Comcast is happy to help pin down your account information so we can press charges. Which, geez, you should have read up on Fausty before sending us hate mail from your home IP address. That’s about as dumb as calling him a 400-pound incel. Ok actually it’s even dumber. Why? Take 10 minutes and figure it out yourself. You’ll be glad you did – well actually you’ll shit yourself. Oh well. Next one, Fausty?

Fausty: Let’s get a good one in real quick.

Toggle: Sure! Here’s one from Oz!

Fausty: Is it a wizard?

Toggle: I dunno – let’s find out! Oz writes, “I am an old equine-zoo! I was a long time reader and poster on BF and you may be familiar with some of my writings (and videos). I have always tried to help younger zoos who are dealing with guilt issues to gain a perspective about the human condition and what we really are. I also tried to capture my true love of my mare friends in my (admittedly) pornographic videos.”

Fausty: I could go on about exactly why there’s nothing wrong with good, healthy, positive, respectful, genuine porn… and a hell of a lot that the opposite of wrong with it, but I’ll make the uncharacteristic decision to batten my pie-hole on the subject. For now. Barely. Under extreme duress.

Toggle: Porn is love! Oz continues, “I want to tell you that I was very impressed by the first program I listened to, especially as regards difficulties with mixed human-zoo relationships. I know how hard it is to produce a program like that, and you did it with amazing grace and flair.”

Fausty: All credit for the excellence in production quality that’s become a standard for Zooier Than Thou goes to my co-host and colleague, Toggle. He’s a badass in the studio – and in bed, to boot. Wait no, not the bedroom – that’s all kinds of wrong. Sorry, I was thinking about Mr. Peanut Butter. My bad. Please do continue…

Toggle: You’re hopeless, you know that Fausty? Oz continues, “I have a possible topic for you, and that is the treatment of zoos in the Puritan colonies, particularly the story of Thomas Grainger. For some reason, the barbarity of what that self-righteous bunch did to that poor kid ranks in the darkest annals of human depravity. I even wrote a poem about it! Anyhow, keep up the great work! If we are ever to gain any acceptance at all, it will be through work like yours!”

Fausty: Right, first off many thanks for that message – it’s always a pleasure to hear from folks who’ve been ‘round a minute, and always nice to receive an historical lesson – in fact, I’m ignorant of this story, or was prior to receiving this note.

Toggle: Yes, Fausty, ok. You’ve made your point – and then some – with the “an.” I see you smiling over there, don’t fucking act like it’s coincidental, you dog-fuckee-not-really-because-chemo-and-thus-dog-incel-for-now. Dog almighty, you really are incorrigible, you know that? Back to the subject at hand: I remember reading about Thomas Grainger in college, though I can’t remember in what context I was studying puritans. I read an entry from one of the puritans who was doing record keeping at the time, and it basically lamented the fact that in order to actually make the journey and survive the new world, puritans had to rely on “heathens” in order to get by. Puritans didn’t know how to sail, or farm, or frankly do anything. In essence, these were people that were disconnected from the land, and they needed people who knew basic survival skills to keep the colony afloat. That meant bringing along people who didn’t share their faith, and Thomas was among them. When Thom was caught in mid-coitus with a mare, they questioned him, and he confessed to having relations with a number of animals. These people were trying to establish a land based on God’s law, and they were not lenient. Tom had to name the animals he’d slept with and watch them all be slaughtered before finally being put to death himself. If that sounds fucked up and barbaric, well, that’s because it is, and yet somehow, it’s not very far off from how this sort of thing can go today, minus the zoo actually being executed as well.

Fausty: Can’t say I wasn’t targeted for attempted execution, myself, a couple of times in the past decade – each time via extra-legal violence, sure, but it’s a bit of a thin distinction when you’re on the receiving end. And coming out of what I’ve been through myself, my first reaction to the story is to completely doubt that the version that made it into print – and down to us, today – reflects the facts of what happened with Thom. Oh, I have no doubt those fundamentalist fanatics murdered him – that’s one thing religious zealots have been consistently good at: killing dissenters. But caught in flagrante delicto with a mare? Colour me doubtful. Thom lists off all the other “animals” with whom he shared intimacy? Yeah, sure – under torture, or coerced to list every critter he’d ever seen? Yah, more likely. Fact is, nobody recorded Thom’s version of the story – history isn’t written by the victims of persecution and genocide, not the way it works. So we have this just-so story of equine assignation and I call horseshit. More likely – and more along with what we know about actual facts versus what the puritan genocidaires spun out ex post facto – Thom ran afoul of the exiled bigots for some other reason…. maybe he was too nice to the mare in question, which those God-fearing fascists wouldn’t condone since she’s an animal, created so scum like them can abuse and torment her until she’s too old to work, then kill her without one iota of compassion or kindness. That’d be more than enough, and what better story than sex – anything but that, anything! – to come up with a pretense for a good, fun murder-session of human and nonhuman alike. That, yes, I can see. There’s nothing nice about the story – it’s tragedy for every victim of that bigotry, prejudice and hate: as yesterday, so today. Let us honour not only his memory but the memory of those four-legged victims who died alongside him – martyrs to intolerance and human solipsism. Fuck that shit, and fuck the people who continue to spew it forth even today.

Toggle: A tragic story, a tragic history, a tragic lesson we’re all well-reminded to remember and honour… thanks, Oz! And thanks for the poem! I’m holding onto it to share later on!

Fausty: We got one more, here, I think, and it’s from our old friend, the friendly neighborhood zoosexual! Nice to hear from you again! Our pal here is weighing in on the last episode’s topic about safety.

Toggle: Friendly writes, “So it sounds like mentioning my sexuality on my Linked In was probably not wise! In all seriousness, though, this episode brought to mind several aspects that had never occurred to me, notably on how no reaction might be the best the best reaction, kind of like in regards to dealing with a bully. It’s been a while sense the last time Ive done anything social in the zoo world as the kind of job that I have, if it where to become known that I was a zoosexual, it would not only be devastating to me but also to many others as as well. Not that I’m made miserable by my job by any means. Quite the opposite in fact! Anywho, it was quite interesting hearing everyone’s views on the matter. Actually, this episode left me felling a bit safer! Wishing all 3 of you the best!”

Fausty: We’re always glad to hear from you, and it’s great to hear that the Safety Dance episode helped catalyse some self-analysis on your part. Good security is all about conscious, intentional, flexible balancing of multiple factors… and it sounds like you’re doing exactly that. Keep it up, and keep sharing what you’ve learned with others you know so they can benefit, as well. That’s how it’s done.

Toggle: I’m glad to hear that this episode made an impact! And I really hope it manifests in good decisions and continued, safe community engagement.

Fausty: Thanks for checking back in with us, Friendly Neighborhood Zoosexual! We’ll see you next time!

Toggle: I think it’s time for us to talk about our topic here. What the world needs now is More Zooey Wisdom!

Fausty: Toggle and I actually were talking recently about relationships. Human relationships, if you can believe it.

Toggle: Humans? That’s just bizarre.

Fausty: Specifically, we were discussing sexuality and the sorts of expectations people find themselves beholden to in the bedroom.

Toggle: It was an innocent conversation about dicks – yeah I know, right? Big surprise! – that evolved into a tawdry philosophical discussion about our experiences with other guys missing two legs, and the greater implications for society of those interactions.

Fausty: My number one rule for sexual encounters is as follows: There is nothing more beautiful than knowing that someone with whom you’re sharing sexual intimacy is having the time of their life and that I’m fortunate enough to be part of that wonderful experience for them. That’s what it’s about. However many legs, whatever gender, however furry they are or aren’t… it’s about sharing pleasure, and more than that about enabling wondrous experiences with those you love. Sure I have my little preferences, here and there – we all do, no matter our species – but at core what I love is seeing someone happy. Ok also I love Mr. Peanut Butter – a love unrequired! So far.

Toggle: I’m a cock connoisseur. Big ones, small ones, regular ones, I love ‘em all for different reasons. But I’ve noticed how embarrassed people get over their size sometimes, and it’s like, “Dude, chill, this is perfect.” Or sometimes when people can’t keep it up, and the fact that they can’t keep it up makes them flustered, which makes it impossible to get hard.

Fausty: Performance anxiety.

Toggle: Exactly. But for me, none of that stuff matters. If we’re having a good time, it doesn’t matter that you have trouble staying hard. Fuck it, so do I. I’m on SSRI’s and so is half of America. It’s not a big deal.

Fausty: Toggle intuitively pointed out that this phenomenon – performance anxiety – is entirely based on human interactions. It doesn’t exist in zooey relationships. Not once has a stud dog been ashamed because he couldn’t keep it up (up? Not exactly right, but anyhow…) and stallions don’t worry they won’t meet expectations… because, I mean, they’re stallions! Sorry, seriously this whole “feeling bad about your sexual performance” is totally a human thing – it wasn’t until deep into my adulthood that I even ever really bumped into it, since my paramours didn’t, definitionally, have those sorts of problems. And as zoos, because our experiences come without judgement from our partners, we take that wisdom and we have the opportunity to give them back to our human partners. I can say with total confidence that I’ve never, ever made a human partner feel bad about his (or her… yes, or her) “performance” in the barn…. err I meant, the bedroom. I can’t even conceive of what would motivate someone to be like that with a lover, to be frank. Whatever the case, one part of being zoo is our awareness that human hangups about sex aren’t intrinsically sexual – they’re intrinsically human. To everyone else, such concepts simply don’t exist.

Toggle: Sex without feeling pressure to perform is truly incredible. Just enjoying the touch of other people, or the profound physical closeness of intimacy with a stud dog… it’s beyond words to dscribe. You just enjoy that time together. And that’s something a lot of non-zoos are missing out on.

Fausty: Zoos have insight into the nonhuman world that isn’t available to humans from anywhere else – that’s why we are part of the human genetic library and why we’ve always been inherent to what it is to be human. Without zoos, there’d be no domestication. No partnership with wolves, become dogs, become our best friends and closest allies and social peers. No horses sharing our lodgings, our hunting, our travels, our worlds… and our beds. Or we can say that without all that, there’d be no evolutionary pressure in favour of the zooish gift. Two sides of one coin. And, beyond that coin, it turns out that us zoos also have a thing or two of value to say about human sexual intimacy. How could we not – an uniquely zooish perspective is the betwixt and between: at once human and at once nonhuman – and a mix of both (one might even call us… Metis, right Toggle?).

Toggle: Fuck’s sake, Fausty. Yes yes – well-played! Are you happy now? I see you chuckling over there, so I’ll take that as a yes. Ahem, back to the point: we share an empathy with other persecuted minorities, which allows us to see how systems of power arbitrarily push down on different groups of people. We have a perspective that allows us to question convention and to challenge authority, because we know that what we take for granted as a society isn’t always based on fact, logic, or evidence.

Fausty: Amoungst the many wisdoms shared with us by our nonhuman friends and partners is the transformative power of kindness, kindness that’s not tied to identical worldviews or overlapping politics or close kin connections… indeed not tied to common species at all. And that kind of kindness has the potential to open doors of compassion and caring that, in turn, can and so many times in the past have changed our world for the better. That’s part of being a zoo, too: knowing that kindness, as recipients, and knowing how to share it, as initiators. We know how to be nice to other people – indeed, to love other people – whether those people look like us or not. Different skin colour is a big deal? Oh honey… that’s so trivial it’s cute. We’re all the same, at heart: we all live, we all hope, we all fear, we all weep, and we all love. Petty differences – skin, hair, paws, hooves, feather, fin, and fur… what binds us is so much more spectacularly wonderful than those things which set us apart. Hell, even rodents without balls – who don’t know when to add an “n” and when not to – are worthy of our kindness and maybe, just maybe… yes, even of our love. All those hangups that keep us apart? They’re stuff we make and enforce on ourselves – if we choose to. For it is true that we may also choose not to: not to be bound by the limits of what we once thought was possible, was available, was reasonable, was inevitable, was potentially ours. We, as zoos, have the power to choose to be so much more than what we would otherwise be – and, in doing so, to act as avatars of moral greatness for all those humans who are so sadly crippled by their inability to reach beyond the confines of their fellow naked monkeys. We can help those limited humans. We must help those limited humans. Whether they know how to ask for our help or not, we know that it is ours to offer and ours to share. This, we must always continue to do.

Toggle: We are different, and that’s not only OK, it’s important. We have something to offer the world, and the world could really use a bit of that right now.

Fausty: Stay tuned, friends. We’ve got plenty more profoundly zooey wisdom to expound upon – right after this!

This Episode’s Sponsors

Announcer: This week’s podcast is sponsored by:

Dog Day Afternoon Spa: Spend a magical, relaxing, therapeutic day lying naked on a massage table surrounded by man’s best friend. We specialize in facials!

And also by:

Zooey Dooey & Murrs: When bigotry threatens you & your beloved partners, it’s time for the draft horse stallions of the legal world: we fight back against hatred with facts, fury, & fanatical vigor. Discounted rates for zoos who stand loyal to our community, no matter what.

And finally:

By esoteric references that only small segments of our audience can appreciate. Esoterica: it makes you sound authentic!

Bestfinster Dog Show – Best In Show

(Zooey graciously played by special guest “Steve”)

Toggle: For this year’s Westmin… err “Bestfinster” conformation dog show, a radical new format was chosen for the ringside commentary broadcast live to listeners worldwide.

Before, censors were on-hand to censor any reference that executives felt was too “mature” when it comes to the show dogs in the ring. This, obviously, cut out a lot of what makes watching dog shows such a beautiful experience: the dogs – and bitches! Acting like they aren’t charismatic, gorgeous, beautiful, alluring… it was silly, artificial, and was driving away audiences in droves.

The new format gets rid of all that nonsense and, we’re proud to say, also includes Zooier Than Thou’s very own “Zooey” as one of the commentators broadcasting from ringside! That’s right: the Great Dane with the great mane, offering up her fabulous perspective on a topic she knows better than anyone: stunning sexual canine supermodels, any and all breeds.

Without further ado, here’s a sample from the climactic event of this year’s broadcast: Best in Show!

Announcer 1 (jaded) Ron: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to this year’s live commentary of the BestFinster Dog Show. For those just now tuning in, the Best in Show presentation is just beginning. And, yes, we’re continuing with what our ever-wise studio executives have told us is to be a more “inclusive, honest, and genuine” approach to our commentary. Finally. About time we got to drop the bull droppings and open the windows for some fresh air.

Announcer 2 (straight) Stephen: Well, Ron, of course our network coverage of the August BestFinster show has always been, dare I say, best-in-class. Honesty is right at the centre of every year’s commentary, so it’s just a question of continuing our tradition of excellence. Nothing new about that this year!

Announcer 1 (jaded) Ron: Kid, the only thing honest about most of our previous commentary has been the name of the show. I’d know – I’ve been here in this seat for thirty years, and every year before now we’ve been on tape-delay status so the network censors could clip out anything genuine or honest we said about the stars of the show. Only place you’d see more clipping of what’s genuine is in the dumpster full of dog balls behind a vet’s office.

Announcer 2 (straight) Stephen: Ron! We all know you’ve been at this job a heck of a long time but that’s no reason to be crude! Besides, everyone knows that those little doggies need to be “fixed” so they can be happy little furbabies at the doggie daycare like all the other little doggies!

Zooey: Jesus, kid, listening to you talk about cutting some poor boy’s nuts off is almost as painful as knowing it happens so often… can we close that pretty little mouth of yours and keep a close eye on these gorgeous dogs – and bitches – about to take to the ring? I haven’t been so hot under the collar since last time I spent a weekend in a kennel full of bitches. Oh, the joys of synchronized estrus!

Announcer 2 (straight) Stephen: Well I never…

Announcer 1 (jaded) Ron: We know, kid, we know. You wouldn’t last an hour in a setup like that – those ladies would eat you alive and spit out the bones you don’t have in the places you damned well should.

Zooey: Boys, boys, let’s not bicker shall we? I was the first to lift a metaphorical leg on the idea of an unorthodox Best in Show class like this, but I’ll tell you right here and now that the parade of beauties we’re about to see is more than worth breaking any tradition under our sun. And if my ears don’t betray me… oh bountiful blessed one, here they come!

Ron: Right you are, my great-maned colleague, right you are. First up, it looks like we’ve got the Weimaraner bitch that captured everyone’s hearts – and a few more bits, to boot, for some men (and women) watching from ringside. She’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s got a topline you could use to teach ruler’s a thing or two about what straight means… and she’s got enough raw sex appeal to stop an aircraft carrier dead in the water.

Stephen: What I’m seeing, for our listeners less given to flights of fancy than my elderly coworker, is a female of the German breed from Weimar. A crowd favorite with picture-perfect adherence to the breed standard as written, this dog is a textbook example of good structure and good handler presentation…

Zooey: Textbook? Stevie, I don’t know what textbooks you’ve been reading, but the only textbook that sexy lady appears in wouldn’t be allowed in most any local library in the United States of Repression you call home. She’s so gorgeously hot, word amongst the zooluminati I know working security in the exhibitor’s area is that she’s been receiving so many suitor’s bouquets that there’s been problems with access to emergency exits in her corner of the building. A lady with assets to die for, she most certainly is.

Ron: Can’t disagree with you one bit on that, m’lady Zooey, not one bit. Gotta say, it might just be that a few of those bouquets might just be mine, they just might be… and she’s one heck of a date, that German gal. Or so I’ve heard from friends, I should say. And next into the ring is another German showstopper, the Rottweiler dog coming up from Group.

Stephen: Before Ron can make any off-colour jokes about this male dog, let me tell the listeners at home that it is exactly what is expected of the breed. Strong, stalwart, steady, and groomed to perfection.

Zooey: Steve, Steve, Steve… hearing you talk about a “male dog” is like hearing some gringo refer to “salsa sauce” – the cute gets swamped out by the dumb. No matter, since this delicious Rottie god is more than enough of a hunk to make anyone with hormones forget all that chattering noise. Just look at that sheath – a sheath anyone could lose themselves in, a sheath truly worthy of worship.

Ron: He’s more than just a sheath fit for the gods, Zooey, that German masterpiece is. Shoulders with enough angles to fill a graduate school class in non-Euclidean geometry, a gait with that impossible combination of fluidity and pure macho power, and family jewels impressive enough to single-pawed overturn that old critique of Rottie boys as studs with big knots and little nuts, he’s a contender in my book for Best in Bedroom.

Stephen: Well I don’t know what all that’s supposed to mean, if I’m being totally honest. What I do know is that this male dog is impressive and has clearly caught the eye of the judges…

Ron: Only one whose eye he hasn’t caught is you, a eunuch who wouldn’t know what to do with a stud like that any more than you’d know how to flap those skinny arms of yours and fly to the bloody moon.

Zooey: Ron! No need to be mean to the youngster – he knows not what he’s missing, and most likely never will. Enough of all that, here’s the GSD bitch that’s had half the continent up late fantasizing about her… and the other half asleep having dirty lovely dreams with her as star of the show! And oh Dog almighty, just look at that goddess on four paws…

Ron: I’ve… I’m… I don’t know what to say. She’s like a dream made real, a fantasy come down to Earth, enough beauty to stop clocks half a world away…

Stephen: I don’t see anything particularly unusual about it, to be honest – most all German Shepherds look alike, I’m sure we all agree, and in the end it comes down to checking the program to figure out what sex they are…

Zooey: Sex? Sex? When it comes to her, the program listing has her categorised as “oh please, yes please!” Any place, any time, and way – this Great Dane will obey in ways an OTCh can’t even imagine.

Ron: I’m still not… I don’t know how to… she’s simply… magnificent. Her tail carriage alone is enough to stop traffic. Those shoulders, they’re poetry made physical.

Stephen: Since my two, ahem, colleagues or whatever they claim to be, can’t quite find their words, I’ll be happy to be the responsible one and keep our listeners informed about the next entrant coming into the wind. This is, let me check the schedule… oh yes, this is the Beer-bull dog entry. A big, heavy thing with an air of menace, it seems to have won breed and group on the basis of intimidation alone. Not sure how a dangerous thing like that managed to get into BestFinster in the first place…

Zooey: Shut up, Stevie – your tiny voice intrudes on my fervid fantasy of that big man getting into me and staying there for hours. Intimidating? That, my boy, is the only thing you’ve got right so far tonight: I’d be intimidated to introduce myself to him, let alone ask him for attentions of a more carnal sort… he’s probably so used to adoring admirers trailing along behind him that he’s a veritable master of rejection. Such a terrible shame, isn’t it Ron?

Ron: Oh he’s not like that, not at all. I have it on good authority – very good, you might say – that he’s not only a perfect gentleman in the tradition of the best manners of South African Zulu culture, but he’s also happy to make time for a tie with adoring fans, be they shy or pushy. Oh yes, he’s everything a leading-man stud should be: virile, kind, confident, and rock-hard in the bedroom and in every place therein. I won’t soon forget our night… I mean, I won’t forget what I’ve heard about him.

Zooey: Ron, you lucky old goat, you! I couldn’t be more envious if I tried – and honey, I’ve tried.

Stephen: I just don’t know how much more of this I can put up with! It’s downright obscene, all this talk of abuse….

Ron: The only abuse around here is what’s caused by being locked in a broadcast booth with someone so ignorant of dogs that he doesn’t know the difference between a bitch and teddy bear. Good thing you won’t ever get within a country mile of anyone out there in that show ring – they’d laugh you out of the state with just a lolled tongue. Kid, you’re so far out of your league you’re not even playing the same sport.

Stephen: That’s it! I’m reporting this to senior management, right this second! (pulls out phone and makes dialing noises in the background)

Zooey: My deepest eternal thanks, my gentleman and scholar. Ron, you’ve saved the day – and just in time for the most dashing, the most handsome, the most utterly lust-worthy of them all: the Golden stud of dreams, the master of our shared sensual domain, the hero of every stag movie worth it’s celluloid, the one and only…

Ron: The hands-down favourite of the class he is, Miss Zooey, that he is. And for good reason. Impeccable balance, flawless extension at the trot – a trot that should rightly be called a “float,” coat beyond the wildest dreams of the most debauched furrier ever born to this planet, and – if what I’ve been told by those lucky enough to judge him in the past – a pair of balls so perfect, so heavy, so ineffably flawless as to evade even the most heartfelt attempt to sing their eternal praises… the perfect package, a package including a package to die for, a Golden beyond compare.

Zooey: Ron, if it comes down to you and I fighting for his attentions, I give fair warning that I will shamelessly resort to any and all stratagems and intrigues in service of earning his service – yes I will. Know you that!

Stephen: Well I never! I went right to the top, I’ll have you two smirking goons know, and you know what I was told? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS TOLD?

Ron and Zooey, over each other: Nope. No. Nope.

Stephen: I was told, and I quote: “You’re fired. Call-in lines are flooded with support for our newfound approach to honest dog show reporting.” Fired!

Zooey: Goes to show that sex sells, good or bad, two legs or four… and in this case it’s four and honey it’s good, good, and more good yet again.

Ron: Right, then – back to the show, Zooey, now that the virgin man-child is gone. Meanwhile we’ve had enter the ring a legend in her own right, the Husky bitch. Now I know all eyes are on a certain lady-part of hers famous for its deep, dark, glistening black color – but we all know she’s so much more than that, though who could pretend they don’t notice such a showpiece of a piece. Coat befitting the northern princess she most assuredly is, she’s also a lover widely rumored to be…

(broadcast fades out at this point)

The Safety Dance, revisited, featuring “Steve”

(Transcript to follow)

Secret Zoo – Rin Tin Tin

(Late 1920’s)

Radio Announcer: Rin Tin Tin, the Wonder Dog that stole the nation’s heart, the shining star that saved Warner Brothers from bankruptcy time and time again, the stud dog of every lady’s dreams, now spends his retirement at his private beach house in Malibu. Our reporters caught up with Rinty this weekend as he lounged nude on his porch in all his glory, watching the waves crash against the sandy shore.

Reporter: Rinty, do you have time for a quick interview?

Rinty: Certainly, anything for my fans.

Reporter: How’s life been treating you since you retired from the silver screen?

Rinty: Oh, can’t complain. Things are quiet, peaceful, easy. Couldn’t ask for much more than that.

Reporter: Certainly a change from your Hollywood lifestyle just a couple of years ago. You were quite the playboy in your prime. Beautiful GSDs lining up for blocks just to get a whiff of your scent, your on-again-off-again affairs with Hollywood starlets, including your gorgeous co-star Nanette.

Rinty: (chuckles) I’ve tied the knot a few times, there’s no doubt about that. I’ve lived a charmed life, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy every minute of it.

Reporter: In the beginning, people compared you to you predecessor, Strongheart, a glorious canine specimen in his own right. What’s it feel like to have ended your career with reviewers asking, “Strongheart who?”

Rinty: Golly, Strongheart really set the stage for screen actors like me. It’s hard to imagine I’d be anything I am today without him setting the precedent. Lee was always insistent I was star material, though.

Reporter: Lee is your agent?

Rinty: You could say that.

Reporter: Ah, Lee introduced you to the Hollywood lifestyle. How did that come about?

Rinty: Well, you know, Lee saw ol’ Strongheart up on the screen and he said to me, “Rinty, you could run circles around that big lunk.” We’d wander up and down Poverty Row, with some of the smaller studios, and those were my first gigs. But the real break was “Where the North Begins.” Lee wrote it himself and pitched it to Harry —

Reporter: That’s Harry Warner, of Warner Bros. Studios, yes?
Rinty: Right. Harry loved the script, and the rest is history.

Reporter: Your journey from pauper to prince of Hollywood is certainly a riveting one.

Rinty: Lee may have exaggerated a few of the details.

Reporter: Ha, well, perhaps, and yet you truly commanded the screen in heroic fashion. Stunning, really.

Rinty: Well, thank you. I had a good time doing it!

Reporter: I can’t help but notice you still present a striking figure, just dashing for a hound your age. Are you still fending off all the ladies?

Rinty: (chuckles) Oh, I have no doubt if I walked back down Sunset Boulevard I’d have a date for the night in a heartbeat. But you know, I’m content now. Settled down with someone I really love, and I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

Reporter: Say, now, that IS news! Who’s the fortunate four-legged female who captured the heart that captured the American spirit?

Rinty:(hesitates audibly)

Reporter: (slowly) Perhaps, it’s a lucky male?

Rinty: (chuckles softly) Well, you could always ask him yourself. Lee loves to give interviews. He’ll be back to the beach house shortly.

Reporter: Hold the phone, you mean your agent? A two legger?

Rinty: I do.

Reporter: But Rinty, you’re a star! You could have anybody! Women fawn over you! Men want to BE you! Why would you settle for a two-legger when you could have anything you want?
Rinty: You know, Lee’s been a constant in my life. He helped me show the world what he’s always seen in me. He was always my advocate, my supporter, my foundation. Coming home has always meant falling asleep at Lee’s side. Don’t get me wrong. The sex is great, and I’ve never been one to turn down an upturned tail, but all these guys and gals, they want me because I’m famous. Lee knows my truest soul like nobody else, and he sees something deeper that he’s fallen for. It’s always been the two of us. Nothing changed when the fame came. And now all I want to do is spend the rest of my days with the man I love.

Reporter: Come to think of it, your agent was divorced a few years back from another Hollywood elite. Is that because…?

Rinty: (sighs sorrowfully) You know, I loved Charlotte, and it pains me to know that she’s had to suffer because of our love. I’ll never truly understand it, but society places these expectations on two-leggers, and sometimes they go through the motions because they’re expected to. Go to war, get married to a fine woman, have kids… Only, sometimes that gets in the way of what they already know is true, and other people get hurt because they couldn’t be honest with themselves from the beginning. I just hate that a third person had to be harmed for us to be together. I truly, sincerely feel terrible for her, because knowing the Lee that I know, I’d be devastated to have a man like that taken from me.

Reporter: It’s certainly a different side of the Rin Tin Tin America knows and loves. The playboy, the sex symbol, the leading man heart throb, and now a romantic at heart.

Rinty: I’ve always been a romantic. Hollywood can blind you to what’s really important in life, but nothing’s ever been more important to me than Lee.

Reporter: Wow, what an interview. Thank you, Rinty, for this eye-opening and heartfelt conversation.

Rinty: Always a pleasure. And, hey, don’t think I didn’t notice where your eyes were for half the interview. I don’t mind if you wanna —

(the interview cuts off)

Announcer: Don’t touch that dial, folks! Ask Zooey is up next, right after this!

Fur and Loving in Alaska

Hunter S. Thompson: We were somewhere north of Fairbanks, near the edge of a sled trail, when his knot began to take hold. I remember feeling a bit light-headed and saying to my lead dog, “Whoa there big fella, take it easy now! My dog, you’ve got some drive!”

Suddenly, there was a wonderful roar of fluids pulsing inside my ass, and my voice began screaming, “Holy Jesus, I love the cock of this fine animal!” There was a heavy panting from above, and strings of warm drool rained down on the back of my neck. The snow beneath us began to melt, whist the northern lights danced above in fantastic iridescent cascades as we continued to–

Ohh… whoops… wait a minute, this is private my journal! Uhh, sorry folks, thats a story for later!

Ask Zooey

Zooey: Welcome back to Ask Zooey, the only place on the internet for premium cross-species dating advice! I’m your gorgeous host who you love the most, Zooey!

Toggle: And I’m a horny rat slut called Toggle!

Zooey: Remember folks, you can contact us with your own zooey questions, either through twitter @AskZooey, or through the anonymous contact form at zoo.wtf. If it’s a question that’s burning in your heart, asking it could help someone else out there just like you! While we get lots of e-mails every week, we do take the time to read each and every one. Just because we haven’t responded yet doesn’t mean we won’t soon!

Toggle: Let’s not waste any more time and dive right in! Our first question comes from a Traveler on the Tundra!

Zooey: Ah, a teamster from up north, perhaps?

Toggle: The Traveler writes: “Dear Zooey: I hear about there being a community of zooey individuals, but i have never had luck finding anyone else to talk to about it. I’m not good at online interactions because i watched one too many 20/20 specials growing up and developed a rather paranoid mentality about online interactions. In addition, I travel for work 90% of the time and find it difficult to make lasting relationships with any species because of my travels. Any advice for the weary traveler on how to make lasting connections, human or otherwise?”

Zooey: Ahh, those classic 20/20 specials on the dangers of online activity.

Toggle: The online landscape has changed a lot from when I was growing up. I remember when the idea of using your real name on the internet was seen as an unnecessary risk, and now it’s required to use certain websites.

Zooey: And while there are certainly some valid concerns about being online and public with one’s persona, those old programs like Dateline and 20/20 definitely tended to blow things a little out of proportion, largely do to a fundamental lack of understanding of online interactions and a need to sensationalize fear.

Toggle: The tough thing about the zoo community is that, in this particular era of zoo history, it’s largely online. The good news is that you can foster relationships with people based on common interests without needing to divulge personal information. The furry fandom is definitely a shining example of healthy online interactions by way of an online persona.

Zooey: Indeed. Here, all you need to know is that my name is Zooey, and I’m the most gorgeous great dane drag queen you’ll ever meet, and we can have a perfectly good conversation from that alone. No need to know my zipcode, where I went to school, or what my day job is.

Toggle: Furries also have a built-in social convention for meeting people in real life, in safe, public spaces that also don’t require one to divulge personal information: fur cons. Incidentally, Traveler, these are also places to meet zoos in safe encounters, since there is significant community overlap! Plus, there’s a con in any given part of the world you may be traveling in at any given time, particularly if you venture down into the US.

Zooey: Remember, Traveler, when talking to people online, it is perfectly acceptable to say, “I’m not comfortable sharing that information about myself at this time.”

Toggle: Preferably in less stilted phrasing, but yes. You mentioned behind the scenes that you fear people won’t feel comfortable getting to know you if you never divulge personal information. Now, I wonder about the degree to which you don’t share information. If it’s a matter of not wanting to answer the age-old question of “A/S/L?” then you’ll find that you’re not expected to. If it’s a matter of being afraid of sharing your favorite movies and video games for fear that someone might figure out who you are based on your likes, then yes, this is totally paranoia, and you’re going to have a hard time fostering conversations in which you’re unwilling to give even an iota of yourself. Break out of your shell, Traveler, because all relationships require that we give something of ourselves to the relationship.

Zooey: Now, this is a cross-species dating advice show, so let’s not neglect the other glaring question. Traveling ninety percent of the time does make it largely impractical to form lasting relationships with animal partners of various species, but this also depends on the terms of your travel.

Toggle: I have a really good friend who travels for work constantly. Since he travels by personal car, he has a canine companion that travels with him. This does require stops at dog parks along the way for plenty of exercise, but it also means his partner is by his side all the time. This necessitates teaching your partner the etiquette of being around crowds of people and living in hotel rooms. It also means that he’s chosen to give up the convenience of airplanes to travel by car.

Zooey: Another friend of mine spent time as a teamster, on the road in a big sleeper cab. Canines seem to be the paramours of choice for traveling zoos, but again, it takes a certain kind of pooch that doesn’t mind hanging out in a spacious sleeper cab all day, and again, it means you’ll be taking frequent stops for exercise, which could interfere with how fast you make it from point A to point B.

Toggle: A growing number of traveling zoos are bringing their homes with them, opting to travel by camper, which opens up a lot of options for you and your traveling companion. This can be a more expensive option on the outset, because of upfront costs and gas, but consider that you also don’t have to pay for a mortgage on a house!

Zooey: The truth, though, is that traveling zoos don’t really have options to form lasting relationships with horses, for instance, who require a stable to call home and a lot of time and care on site. Other animals about the farm are also out, in terms of long lasting relationships. So if you’re not particularly attracted to canines, or if you fancy breeds that require lots of space and exercise, you may be out of luck until you’re able to settle down. Also, if you travel largely by plane, that can complicate things, as traveling by plane is NOT currently a practical life style for our four-legged friends.

Toggle: Traveling zoos have to remember that their partners’ wellbeing always comes first, and that means making sure your lifestyle is able to accommodate a four-legged partner’s needs. But rest assured, Traveler, you CAN have a meaningful, mutually beneficial relationship while living on the road.

Zooey: Thanks for reaching out. Safe travels, Traveler, and we hope you’re able to begin making the zooey connections you need to make! Our next letter comes from Oral Lover in Orange County. Oral writes, “Dear Zooey: My father taught me that, when it comes to the Birds and the Bees, it’s my duty before I get off to make my partner cum first. Bet he would have a heart attack knowing that I use that advice on my female animal partners. I truly believe that he was right in this regard, though, as I find it very exciting to see my partner hit orgasm before I ever even penetrate. But I’m having a problem that I hope you can help me with. For years, my partner was a sexy goat that I knew just how to hit all the right spots, with my fingers and tongue. Now my partner is a lovely mix breed bitch. I try doing the same things orally that I did with my last partner but it just doesn’t seam to be working. I truly wish to please her orally, I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Is this a common problem with zoos that change species? Please help!”

Toggle: I love a man that puts his partner first in bed.

Zooey: Rawr, me, too! Your father definitely taught you well.

Toggle: Here’s the thing, though, Oral: regardless of whether or not you change species, every woman is different, and they like different things. There’s no “one size fits all” when it comes to oral, which makes this question a little difficult to address. Nevertheless, we reached out to our oral experts for advice, and hopefully this will be of use to you.

Zooey: It’s true that every woman is different, but it’s definitely true, Oral, that a goat and a bitch aren’t quite anatomically set up the same way. A canine’s clitoris isn’t in the same place, so if you’re aiming for the same spots, you’re likely going to miss it.

Toggle: A little foreplay goes a long way. With your partner standing, and with her consent, try gently squeezing her vulva by encircling it with your thumb and forefinger: thumb on top, forefinger bent and encircling the underside. You should feel her clit get hard, and she may hump your hand to encourage you to continue forward.

Zooey: Our experts recommend that smooching your pooch is easier with her lying on her back. Gently suck on her clit between your lips like a straw, then lick its underside. If she bucks her hips against your face or begins licking her chops, you’re hitting the right spot.

Toggle: We stress this every time, but it’s worth stressing again: LISTEN to your partner, and remember that at any time, consent can be withdrawn. Furthermore, close attention to your partner’s body language will help you gauge when you’re hitting the exact right spot, or whether you need to move just a liiiiittle to the left, or just a hair to the right. Again, no two dogs have exactly the same spot, so knowing exactly where your fingers need to go or where to focus your tongue isn’t an exact science. Compared to a goat, though, you generally don’t need to reach too far to find a canine’s g-spot. She will definitely guide you, so pay attention! And for the love of Dog, please mind your nails!

Zooey: Clearly, Oral, you’re experienced in knowing when a woman is having the time of her life, or when she’s just not into it. And remember, the other side of the coin is that not everyone likes oral. There’s a chance your bitch just doesn’t get off on it.

Toggle: With any luck, our advice leads to some very ecstatic zoomies in the near future. Though we’ve given you some basic pointers, always listen to your partner, Oral, and you’ll never go wrong.

Zooey: That’s all the time we have for today, folks! Thanks so much for tuning in! We look forward to answering all your zooey relationship questions next episode! Keep those submissions coming!

Toggle: We’ll see you next time on Ask Zooey! Same zoo time, same zoo channel!

Outro

Fausty: Thanks, friends, for listening to Zooier Than Thou.

Toggle: Next full moon, we want to talk about women in the community, but we feel wholly inadequate to cover this topic as a bunch of guys and a drag queen. Thankfully, we have a special guest host and some special interview guests joining us to give us the perspective we can’t hope to give ourselves.

Fausty: It’s gonna be well worth the wait, so don’t miss it for anything!

Toggle: You can subscribe to the podcast via our RSS feed: just point your favourite podcast client at rss.zoo.wtf and off you go. You can even find us on Spotify, Youtube, Alexa, and the one-who-must-be-named. We’re everywhere!

Fausty: Our podcast’s website is, yep, zoo.wtf. Twitter @ZooierThanThou, and you can follow Zooey’s knotty advice @AskZooey. Follow Fausty @lecontespink, and Toggle @OneBigGrumpyRat!

Toggle: A reminder that we have a form that enables anonymous submissions to the podcast on our website, zoo.wtf! You can share with the world some of your zooey wisdom, Ask Zooey for 10 hot insider tips on hot crumping action with your sexiest drafty boy, or send us death threats from your home IP address… what could possibly go wrong?

Fausty: You can contact co-host Fausty through his website, fausty.org, or whisper your secret in Mr. PeanutButter’s ear, and maybe he’ll feel compelled to contact me finally!

Toggle: Zooier Than Thou wants to be free, man. Share it with everyone! Peace, love, and podcasts!

Fausty: All nonhumans involved in the production of this episode have been certified 100% free of performance anxiety!

Toggle: Did you know that crumping is a thing? I didn’t!

Fausty: I know what crumping is, and I’m really, really good at it! Be nice to each other. It’s the sexiest, zooiest thing you can do. This is old man Fausty, and I’m sitting here randy as a 16 year old thinking about crumping.

Toggle: And this is Toggle, and I know what I’m doing for the next half hour, and you’ve almost finished listening to Zooier Than Thou! Stay Defiant, fellow zoos! We’ll see you next time you feel like howling at the moon!