Artists wish to go uncredited, but this wouldn’t be the same without their work!
Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.
“Lobby Time,” “Pixiland,” “Night on the Docks” Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
“Variety Show Tv Theme Music” Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”
Fausty: Hey, everyone! It’s your favorite dogmongler Fausty!
Toggle: And that Mickey-Mouse-sounding motherfucker, Toggle! A-ha!
Fausty: Welcome to this “uniquely special” episode of Zooier Than Thou.
Toggle: Now, normally, this show operates on a monthly basis, but Fausty and I are a pair of April Fools, and the chance for some extra April Foolery was just too much to pass up. Plus the first episode was so much fun…
Fausty: It really couldn’t have got off to a better start, eh? Even our most optimistic scenarios didn’t include thirteen thousand bonus impressions on twitter thanks to the #HateParty hashtag… and the tireless promotional assistance from our best friends forever in the “hate world”… totally serious here: we couldn’t have done it without all your help spreading the word! Best. Launch. Ever.
Toggle: However, we did receive some very constructive feedback, so without further ado, let’s take care of that fake voice of yours, Fausty.
(Fausty’s voice is pitched up)
Fausty: What happened? What’s wrong with my voice?
Toggle: I can’t actually tell if that’s any better.
Fausty: What are you talking about? This is my normal voice. I always sound like this.
Toggle: Keep talking, Fausty, we’ll get this right eventually.
(Fausty’s voice is pitched down)
Fausty: Get what right? What’s that knob you’re turning? Are you mongling my mic, or something?
Toggle: That’s actually kind of sexy. You sound like a stallion.
Fausty: Ahem… I always sound like a stallion!
Toggle: Yeah, like if Barry White was being covered by some white-bread-eating, Canadian stallion.
Fausty: Fair enough… and I think I can live with that.
Toggle: Or, maybe kind of like a moose. Like a Mountie Moose giving a public service announcement ‘aboot’ wildfires.
Fausty: Well… a big, handsome moose can be proper sexy in his own right, I guess. Not really my cup of tea, eh? I’ll stay with the stallion, thanks.
Toggle: Let’s try something else here for a second.
(Fausty’s voice is pitched up at a different timbre)
Fausty: Wait… what’s wrong with the stallion?
Toggle: Actually… you kind of sound like me a little bit, if I had a throat cold.
Fausty: Oh geez, not that! Plus if you keep this mic-mongling up, you’re gonna ruin my carefully-maintained secret persona and… everyone will know who I actually am!
(Fausty’s voice is returned to normal)
Toggle: How’s that?
Fausty: Testing, testing. Ok yeah, that’s way better.
Toggle: It’s amusing that people thought we were using voice modulation on your voice, because we really did consider it. And your voice took surprisingly well to being mongled just now, but we found that we had issues with audio artifacts that rendered the manipulation far too obvious.
Fausty: It being 2019 and all, you’d think that would be pretty easy to get around.
Toggle: I certainly did! But we researched it extensively, and all the free to low-cost plug-ins for voice modulation were just sub-par in quality, and even some of the more expensive options didn’t perform optimally. There weren’t any options in a reasonable price range that actually worked, and there’s bigger priorities than protecting you from doxxxing of your super-secret identity.
Fausty: Sure ok, I know where I stand around here but… what about my voice sounds fake? All that work to change how I sound, and somehow a few clever listeners saw right through it. Damn – and I’d have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Toggle: I don’t know, it sounded pretty believable to me throughout the show – doesn’t really sound like you at all, so there’s no way anyone’s gonna figure out who you are from your voice.
Fausty: Phew! Because I’m really scared someone’s gonna figure out that I’m actually Douglas ‘pattern juggled’ LeConte-Spink living in Western Pennsylvania. I can’t afford to get doxxxed, right? Gotta keep it on the down-low…
Toggle: Too true. Don’t worry – your secret’s safe with me! Nobody’s gonna crack this mystery, no way no how. Sure, it makes your voice sound all stupid and weird, but it’s worth it to keep your identity under cover.
Fausty: Thanks, Toggle. You’re a real pal! Moving on, let’s take a dip into the mail bag. After the first episode went live – and thanks to the #HateParty fillip – we’ve been getting inbound comms from all over, from Twitter to Telegram to Kumquat Farms — home of the largest collection of Fausty fan fiction anywhere on the intertubes! Also, a quick plug for all the feedback I’ve gotten on my beloved bitmessage! Which reminds me: I’ll also put my bitmessage address in the show notes. It’s great to hear from everyone, whether it’s a quick note hello or a full-bore take on a heavy topic, and we’re honored to be part of the conversation. Oh, and those DMs to the ExposeSolution twitter account from a certain lonely closet-case… man thanks so much, you really made our day! No joke, that’s just about the funniest thing ever. Anyhow, keep ‘em coming – in particular, on the topic of BeastForum, as that’s one we’ll be digging back into next episode, for sure.
Toggle: This episode, our first e-mail comes from Raccoon in Reno. Raccoon writes: “I just wanted to offer my thanks for show. The production was good, some decent laughs, no shortage of puns, but most importantly, some legitimately important information that just doesn’t get passed around enough. Being a zoo is certainly no less complicated than any other sexual orientation, but thanks in no small part to living secret lives, we seem to have some of the lowest support. So it’s good to see efforts to improve this matter. Looking forward to your next show.”
Fausty: Raccoon is quite gracious in their feedback and we’re grateful for that. Also thanks for providing a spot-on summary of what we’re doing here at Zooier Than Thou. This is a time of unprecedented change in the zoo community. Bigotry is on the run, and everyone working for positive, healthy zoo futures is part of a change many of us have worked towards for decades. It’s up to all of us in the community to bring out the best in ourselves, working together – the better we do that, the better we’re able to continue our work as unique advocates for the holistic best interests of our nonhuman colleagues.
Toggle: Honestly, Raccoon, you really are picking up what we’re putting down, and we couldn’t be happier to hear from you. Exposure really is the solution; minority groups gain support through visibility. We’ve seen it happen with other sexual and gender minority communities, and since we do share a common history of Biblical bigotry with homosexuality, we could do well to take a page out of their book. And let’s be honest, that bigotry has been historically unkind to our animal companions. We do well to remind people where we stand when it comes to the welfare of our four-legged partners.
Fausty: Supporting each other, our community, and especially our nonhuman peers is what it’s all about – that’s the foundation on which Zooier Than Thou has been built, right from the start.
Toggle: What other kind of feedback have you personally received so far, Fausty?
Fausty: Well, the best part for me is how diverse it’s been so far – applause, sharp criticism, vague suggestions, detailed recommendations. Overall, I don’t think there’s a single favorite, for me; what’s so inspiring is just the broad swath of conversation the podcast has already helped to encourage.
Toggle: I think my favorite piece of feedback so far was, “Yeah, it was a bit silly for me, but good job.”
Fausty: Yah, fair enough on that – silly, with a bit of good work mixed in along the way.
Toggle: I also had several people tell me that the last part of the advice segment was both arousing AND informative. Specifically both, not just one or the other.
Fausty: Now, don’t tell anyone… but I’m a male, and I haven’t met any fellow males in my life who hate blowjobs… (Toggle looks like he might disagree.) at least if they’re done right, eh?
Toggle: Yeah, OK, if they’re done right.
Fausty: And, you know, ask a hundred adult males if they’d rather receive a gentle, loving, consensual, pleasurable blowjob from a trusted partner… or have their testicles cut off against their will and live the rest of their life suffering the health consequences of that violent genital mutilation… so far I haven’t found anyone who chooses the castration option. It’s almost like one is actually abusive and one isn’t… but anyhow, yes, advice on how to share physical intimacy with a loving, adult partner is a good thing – not that anyone would question such an obvious statement – and that segment seems to have been particularly well-received. Seems like blowjobs are, indeed, a popular topic of discussion…
Toggle: It certainly seems to come up in non-zoo “animal porn” a fair amount.
Fausty: Oh, man, does it ever. Remember that Hollywood movie: Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie? Lots of allusions to canine blowjobs in that one – which was super-creepy since the boys supposedly receiving them were all visibly castrated. I can’t think of a better example of just how broken our society’s view of companion species is than a movie that features anatomically-impossible blowjobs given to victims of non-consensual genital mutilation. That’s well beyond creepy, into downright sad…
Toggle: Well at least everyone can agree that tongue-in-cheek podcast sex advice that doesn’t involve violence and amputation is good, clean fun! And unlike South Park, our dog blowjob segments won’t ever get stuck at the “red rocket” stage.
Fausty: Not to blow off a great topic of discussion… but what else is on the agenda today?
Toggle: Well, any production has its bloopers, so we thought we’d share a couple of them with you as a parting gift, since it’s April Fools Day.
Fausty: So am I correct in predicting that “bloopers” here is synonymous with “Toggle laughing his ass off hysterically?”
Toggle: What can I say? I laugh a lot! Our first blooper features our good friend Julia, doing her worst Barbara Walters impression, as far as I can tell. And the second one is just really corny.
Ask Zooey Blooper
Host 1: There’s a big buck that’s been fa–
(laughter, followed by another attempt)
Host 1: There’s a big buck I’ve been fucking.
Host 1: Whew, we’ve got this. Third time’s a charm.
Host 2: Try that again.
Toggle: Special thanks, too, to the Cross Species Alliance and the Can’t Be Corn — “Can’t be Corn.”
Fausty: I like that project. That’s an interesting one. “Can’t be corn!” S’a good satire account. Just picture of corn. Nothing but corn. Corn cobs. Corn on the cob. Corn plants. Just corn, corn, and more corn! And then we can just start filing — making reports on the account, cuz, you know, Twitter’s not the right place for corn like that.
Toggle: Ok, I’ve got it back under control. (He doesn’t.)
Fausty: Can’t be corn! I’m changing it in my text, right there.
Toggle:(Takes a deep breath.) OK, centered. We’re gonna get back to this.
Fausty: Before we go tonite, friends, we’d like to take a break from the lulz to say a few words about something that couldn’t be less funny.
Toggle: Right there with you, Fausty.
Fausty: Recently, in New Zealand, the dark stain of bigotry and hatred came to a head and took the lives of fifty peaceful citizens at prayer. This terroristic attack has truly shocked the world’s conscience, and we humbly offer here our deepest condolences to the victims and their families. Alike or different, of the faith or not, we are all here together – and the sickness of supremacist, neo-Nazi ideology has no place in the world we share. Namaste.
Toggle: I’m not a very eloquent speaker when it comes to things like this. Words seem so empty in the face of displays of genuine, human evil. We can take an easy moral position and pat ourselves on the back, but our actions really define where we stand. It’s truly amazing to see how the indomitable Kiwi spirit is facing this crisis. As an American, seeing their government, their private sector companies, and their whole population coming together as one and working toward real solutions to the problems that have been thrust upon them is moving beyond expression. I think that if I were among those faced with this tragedy, nothing would bring me more solace than knowing that what happened to me wouldn’t happen to anyone else. I can’t give anything more valuable than that. I’m… not sure how to end this, but… let’s end with hope that tomorrow is going to be better.
Fausty: Well spoken, my friend. Well spoken. And that’s a great note on which to end this “mini stallion” episode of Zooier Than Thou.
Toggle: Join us next time, when we’ll be tackling a topic so controversial, so over-the-line, so utterly beyond-the-pale that we might even make some zoos upset.
Fausty: Making zoos upset? What could possibly be that controversial? Well, looks like you’ll just have to keep an eye on the moon — and your RSS feed — for the next episode of Zooier Than Thou.
Toggle: Stay Defiant, fellow zoos! We’ll see you next time!
Fausty: Same zoo time, same zoo channel. Thanks for sharing your time with us. Stay healthy and proud, you glorious zoo nation!