Artists wish to go uncredited, but this wouldn’t be the same without their work!
Special Thanks goes out to all our cast and crew for putting this together in such a short amount of time! You are all incredible!
Thanks to our friends and loved ones for putting up with us being shut up in a studio recording, or stuck in meetings writing, or slaving into the wee hours of the morning on a coffee-fueled work binge.
“Crypto,” “Happy Happy Game Show,” “Lobby Time” Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
“Afternoon Talk Show Tv Theme Music,” “Variety Show Tv Theme Music” Radio City, from the album “Old Time TV Music”
“Ranchera” provided by TMSC. Free royalty-free music downloaded from the YouTube channel Tumúsicasincopyright.
Sound FX largely provided by freesound.org and zapsplat.org
Narrator:(voice obscured and pitch shifted down) Today marks the beginning of something new. This podcast will seek to set right all the wrongs perpetrated by humans against animal kind, and to hold those who would hurt our animal brethren accountable. We do our work from the shadows to protect ourselves and our loved ones, but we will expose those who self-identify as “zoophiles,” “cross-species enthusiasts,” and the like. For too long, humankind has regarded animals as objects to be manipulated for their own personal satisfaction, things without thoughts and feelings who can’t feel pain or pleasure. We will give voice to those animals so they can no longer be ignored.
The first zoophile to be exposed is a household name in the fantasy community. He’s even appeared in movies, on television, and has had roles in video games. This zoophile is…
(mood changes. Celebratory music plays, and a game-show-esque announcer takes over)
Announcer: The Lord of Horses himself, Shadowfax!
Announcer: That’s right! You know him as Gandalf the White’s trusty steed, who fought alongside the wizard during the Siege of Gondor. Before meeting his life partner, it is said that Shadowfax could not be tamed by any man. We caught up with Shadowfax just as he was leaving for Valinor.
Shadowfax:(recorded previously) ‘tis true, I believed no man worthy of my saddle, for they prized me naught but for what they could take from me. When Gandalf approached me, I viewed him with the same disregard. That I let him mount me was no small gesture. But he proved a kind lover, in tune with my wild heart, a force of nature befitting of the Mearas. He listened to my desires, and he pleasured me in ways no mare ever could.
Interviewer: But don’t you know, sex between animals and humans is abuse!
Shadowfax: Balderdash! I’ve never hurt Gandalf! My girth be thicker than an archer’s drawing arm, but Gandalf the White is more than capable and willing to handle me at full mast. Do you take him for a milksop? A weanling? A babe incapable of making his own decisions? Do you doubt the ability of the Maia to handle my beastial form? That one would suggest I would abuse the one man I’ve come to love is offensive, and I’ll have no more talk of it.
Announcer: There you have it, folks, straight from the horse’s mouth! Stay tuned for more zooey adventures, here on Zooier Than Thou!
Episode 1: The Exposure Solution
Fausty: Hey there, friends & colleagues! Welcome to the premiere episode of Zooier Than Thou! I’m Fausty!
Toggle: And I’m Toggle!
Fausty: And we’ll be your chaperones for this evening!
Toggle: Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Not another zoo podcast.”
Fausty: Yes, there are a metric fuckton out there, we know that. There’s oceans of them, and seems like there’s more everyday.
Toggle: But at the end of the day, zoo’s gotta zoo, and hopefully we can make this one a gem that stands out against all that coal.
Fausty: So how does this work, exactly?
Toggle: Well, we kind of banter back and forth a bit, then we give a shout out to our sponsors.
Fausty: Wow, we have sponsors?
Toggle: Sure do. Of course, they’re expecting us to break all kinds of news & events. If we turn out to be just another copycat zoo podcast, it’ll probably get really lonely here sponsor-wise, so we have a lot to live up to.
Fausty: Fair enough. So, here’s the deal. Yes, there are a bunch of zoo podcasts that wax gravely about issues central to the zoo community. That’s all well and good, but we wanted to do something a little different with our podcast. I think sometimes we get so bogged down by the politics of the zoo world that we forget that being “people like us” is more than just saving the world… there is a lighter side.
Toggle: Yeah! So we’re getting in touch with our inner animals — or are we getting touched by our inner animals?
Fausty: Well, what I’d say is, we’re here to ask the important questions, such as, “Why does Nick Wilde wear clothes?”
Toggle: “How come ducks only have to wear a shirt, but mice only have to wear pants?”
Fausty: “Is Disney’s Beauty and the Beast really just an excuse to apply Rule 34?”
Toggle: Honestly, Disney’s creepy view of nonhumans might be at the root of a lot of society’s problems.
Fausty: That’s probably true. S’a bit of a heavy topic maybe for another day. However, speaking of festering social problems, let’s talk a bit about BeastForum.
Toggle: Oh, yes. I remember in college, a friend of mine was showing off his shiny new Gmail account, and I couldn’t help but notice he had a notification for a new reply on a BeastForum thread.
Fausty: Those days are now officially behind us. BeastForum is no more!
Toggle: Goodbye and good riddance, as far as I’m concerned.
Fausty: Look, as far as I’m concerned, that whole mess is exactly what happens when non-zoos try to “monetize” cross-species erotica: it’s an unmitigated disaster. Full disclosure: I have gone toe-to-toe with the assholes running BeastForum for nearly twenty years. They have shown a total disregard not only for non-humans, but also for the zoo community. I’ve done my best for years to demonetize that site and to remove their ability to support themselves financially. Many of us did, frankly, and it looks like it paid off. Though really, I haven’t been involved in that effort for many years, I still have to say, score one for the good guys, eh?
Toggle: Yeah! And, you know, honestly, the idea of paying to download pieces of movies and having to put them back together like jigsaw puzzles was fucking ridiculous. People were putting up media freely, and they shoved it behind a paywall. Not unique to the forum, either. GayBeast, one of their affiliated sites, frequently took free videos – and even furry animations distributed on FurAffinity – and put them behind a paywall. It was fucking ludicrous.
Fausty: Oh, yeah, BeastForum resold zoo materials across just about every one of their crumbling, low-rent, garbage-ass, paid porn sites… it really ended up happening to all of us sooner or later; if you were around in the community, it was like a rite of passage to find at some point you had your own dedicated page on one of their for-pay websites. Not something any of us really wanted. In the early days, I gotta admit, BeastForum hated me so much that they would post fake comments I had made on the forum, ostensibly written by me – but they were so stupid about it at one point that they were posting fake stuff allegedly written by me while I was actually in federal prison. Which is a good alibi when you think about it. I mean, it is hard to post on a zoo forum from federal prison, folks, I can tell you that firsthand. Not only that, but those obnoxious monsters were actively encouraging posts of materials that were violent, abusive, non-consensual — just horrible — and they profited from it every step of the way. It was really a disgusting parasite on our community & a blot on the internet. As hard as it is to imagine something being a blot on the internet, BeastForum certainly was. I have to say I’m proud of the role that I played, especially early-on, in trying to bring that site back down to earth, and to shut it down for good, and I’m glad to see that it’s gone.
Toggle: You know, I once contacted them about a privacy matter on GayBeast, and they basically told me, “Sorry, asshole, your privacy doesn’t matter. We don’t give a shit about protecting zoos, and your public profiles get us hits on Google.” No deleting accounts, because it took from their bottom line. Fuck ‘em.
Fausty: Well, you know, at this point, those guys can all go get jobs bagging groceries – or whatever the hell it is that wannabe-zoos like them do when their gravy train gets shut down. Who knows? I don’t really know where they go from here. I will say there is word that what’s likely to replace them them my be both more interesting & and vastly more healthy than the current BeastForum that is shut down… we may have more news on that later on in the show. We’ll see!
Toggle: Alright! Well, if you have your own BeastForum horror stories, we’d love to hear them. Feel free to drop us a line using the form on the website at zoo.wtf!
Fausty: Don’t even need to disclose and e-mail address, so speak openly if you so choose!
Toggle: Alright, so, what else do you wanna talk about? We’ve got like 2 more minutes to kill.
Fausty: Well, let’s talk a bit about the theme for today’s podcast: The Exposure Solution.
Toggle: Yeah, so we’re already seeing the phones light up with complaints that we “outed” Shadowfax as a zoo. That was predictable…
Fausty: It was a bold decision we made, but we DID get his express permission to air his orientation on our podcast, and I can’t say that there’s been any harm done, there. Don’t worry, folks. I literally wrote the Zoo Community Pledge more than a decade ago, specifically rejecting the outing of zoos. I am the last person on the planet who is going to out a zoo without their permission.
Toggle: With any luck, some of you are here because you heard about us from our unwitting supporters who participated in the Hate Party campaign.
Fausty: Indeed. I just wanna give a big thanks to all the anti-zoo bigots who have help to promote and to encourage others to take a look at our podcast. I have to say that was totally unintentional! Very sorry about the confusion, but boy, we sure do appreciate it all the same!
Toggle: I hope you were reading between the lines, because every message in those Hate Party tweets was absolutely true.
Fausty: Good point Toggle – there were no lies in that messaging whatsoever, and that does matter to us here at Zooier Than Thou. In fact, I would say the truth matters a great deal, and it always will. In fact, on of the truths we’re going to explore on the podcast is how there’s always this funny assumption when we talk about zoos that the question is only about humans and our prejudices against one another. Zoos, we’ve always known better, though: it’s not about the humans, it’s about everyone. So with this podcast, we’re all about celebrating primarily the nonhuman side of things: their agency, their wisdom, their interests, and above all else, their well-being of the nonhumans that share our lives. They deserve their own voice – and more than that, they deserve to have their agency & adulthood respected & embraced.
Toggle: So true. And treating animals as if they have no desires, no free will, no autonomy: it’s dishonestly like that which allows us to tolerate heinous factory farm practices, to imprison and torture hundreds of millions of our sentient brethren —
Fausty: — That, and more… To castrate and mutilate them – to literally cut the adult parts off of them, purely non-consensual violence towards victims who are completely unable to defend their own bodies from these attacks. All of these terrible, terrible things we do to other species serve to reinforce an evil world view of animals as sexless, powerless, childish, forever-enslaved “lower” beings. Everything about that is just… awful – it really reflects the worst of humanity’s self-centered, solipsistic, self-important bullshit. But as zoos, we know better, don’t we, Toggle?
Toggle: Right, Fausty. When you see people out their touting hate speech against zoophiles, it’s because we upset the order of things.
Fausty: Absolutely true. We, as zoos, challenge the assumed separation of humans from everyone else who shares residency on this planet with us – we undermine that imaginary distancing by truly and genuinely embracing our nonhuman colleagues as equals, as friends, as partners. By our very existence, zoos destroy the false placement of humans as separate or “above” everybody else. Normals may think they’re better than mere “animals?” Well, sorry – zoos know better than all that!
Toggle: Wow, Fausty… you really just had a ‘zooier than thou’ moment there, didn’t you!
Fausty: Indeed, I did! It happens! Look, I’m old, I’m grey, and I’m also dying of cancer – so I’m entitled to a little bit of ‘zooier’ now and again, aren’t I?
Toggle: Can’t argue with that! So to all you haters out there, thanks for the exposure! Bigotry and hatred are so passé, and this podcast is ready to counter-attack with a strategic deployment of irreverent, zooey humor and terrible, zooey puns.
Fausty: Puns are a most valuable weapon against bigotry. We will literally pun the zoophobes into abject submission!
Toggle: So sit back and relax, fellow zoos. There’s more Zooier Than Thou comin’ right up after this!
This Episode’s Sponsors
Announcer: This week’s podcast is brought to you by:
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Bitch Birka: Keep that temptress covered!
Disney: Inexplicably putting animals in clothes since 1973.
Dear Zooey, Act 1
Host 1: Welcome back to the show. We’ve had a lot of great questions from our audience, but now we’d like to take some time to answer questions from our listeners at home. Remember, if you’d like to have your questions featured on our show, simply handwrite a letter and have it delivered as a canine strip-o-gram, or if you’re opposable-thumb-challenged, bleat into a can attached to a cell phone tower, and we’ll be honored to answer your tawdriest inquiries.
Host 2: The tawdrier the better. Those give us the greatest ratings boosts.
Host 1: Too true. Our first letter today comes from Nutty in Nova Scotia. Nutty writes: “Dear Zooey, I love my human dearly, and recently, we’ve decided to take that to the next level. But I’ve discovered he has a very strange fetish for peanut butter that I simply don’t understand. I try to indulge him, but the peanut butter gets stuck to my gums, and I end up licking my teeth more than I’m licking his junk. And what’s worse: by the time I finish finally cleaning it off of him, he’s slathered even more on his balls! I want to make my human happy, but I don’t know how much longer I can stand the taste of peanuts. What should I do?”
Host 2: Ah, yes, peanut butter is a common fetish for humans.
Host 1: Indeed, you hear about it in movies and on TV all the time.
Host 2: Well, Nutty, it might seem awkward, but perhaps it’s best to sit your human down and have an honest talk about his peanut butter fetish. Often, humans believe that their partners love the taste, and by continuing to indulge him by licking it off, you’re accidentally reinforcing this expectation. When you see him pull out the jar, voice your disapproval, and refuse to clean him off. Find ways to spontaneously initiate sexual play in situations where peanut butter is out of reach. Humans can be slow to understand, but if you’re patient, you can use the principles of operant conditioning to train your human to not use peanut butter. Don’t be afraid to give him a “click” with your clicker when he gets it right – he’ll figure it out, eventually!
Host 1: That is very sound advice we can all keep in mind. Thank you for your question, Nutty.
Host 2: Our next question comes from Sheepless in Seattle. Sheepless writes: “Dear Zooey, I recently moved to the big city to find a job, but everyday, little things remind me of my ewe back home. The feel of a wool sweater on these cold, foggy days, or a passing scent that reminds me of the country. I miss her something fierce, but job opportunities are scarce out in the boondocks. What should I do?”
Host 1: Long distance relationships can be very difficult.
Host 2: Indeed they can.
Host 1: Sheepless, I have some very practical advice for you. Move back to the countryside and be with your ewe. In today’s high speed society, there’s no reason to be tied to a city to find work in the tech industry. More and more, companies are offering work-from-home opportunities that you can take advantage of. Long distance relationships can be especially hard on your animal companions; for them, e-mails from far away, or even phone calls every day don’t cut it. They require affection in-person even more than humans do. You owe it to your relationship to go back to the farm and invest in high-speed internet. Love waits for no man — or ewe! Get to it!
Host 2: Wow, I couldn’t have put that better myself. Thanks so much for that question, Sheepless. We’ve got high hopes for your relationship!
Host 1: This next letter is from Deerly in Duluth. She writes, “Deer Zooey — I mean, Dear Zooey.”
Host 2: Oh, I see, she misspelled dear the first time.
Host 1:Yes. “Dear Zooey. I live in a very wooded area. The forest is very deer to me, and I spend a lot of time wandering the woods on the weekend. There’s a big Buck that I’ve been fawning over for some time. Every time I see him, I go doe-eyed, and my knees practically buckle under me. He’s staggeringly beautiful, to be perfectly honest, but I’m too faint of hart to approach him directly. I’m not sure about the R.O.E. for something like this. How do I confess my love?”
Host 2: This is a great question, Deerly. You know, twenty years ago, all the textbooks would have said, “Wait until rutting season and hope he notices you amongst all the other winsome, nubile lady-suitors.”
Host 1: But times have really changed.
Host 2: Indeed they have! And the modern way puts the politics of the herd on a post-#MeToo even footing — no more sexist stereotypes that say, “The one with the antlers makes the first move.” And what’s more, the millennial stag appreciates a woman who has the confidence to approach first. Steel your hart, Deerly, the ball is completely in your court!
Host 1: And remember, no buck worth your buck will look down on your for stepping out of traditional gender roles. But remember his pride, ladies. If you’re asking him out for a dinner date, offer to split the tab. Paying the whole check could dent his ego, while forcing him to hoof the bill on a date you set up is bad manners.
Host 2: Above all, Deerly, remember that you’re worth it. If you can convey a sense of self-confidence, any hart will take notice, but you need to believe it yourself.
Host 1: Best of luck bagging a price buck, Deerly. We’ll be right back after a message from our sponsors.
(Cut to commercial)
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Dear Zooey, Act 2
Host 2: And we’re back! If you’re just joining us, we’ve been answering questions from our viewers at home.
Host 1: Remember, if you want your letters to be featured on our show, all you need is a little chicken wire, a weather balloon, and a short-range broadcast satellite, and we’ll happily answer any question we pick up on the radio waves.
Host 2: Here’s a letter from Tiny in Toronto. Tiny writes, “Dear Zooey. There’s a mare I’ve had a thing with for a while now, but I can’t help but notice when we’re out, she’s always eyeing the stallions in the pasture. I know what she’s thinking, and it makes me feel inadequate. I really want to stand out so her eyes are always on me. What can I do to really impress my mare?”
Host 1: This is a common problem for a lot of guys.
Host 2: Gents, remember there’s a reason why AVs for stallions come in sizes up to 24 inches.
Host 1: This is why it’s important to play to your strengths; don’t compete with the stallion at a game you can’t hope to win. Here are some very practical ways you can leave a great impression on your galloping gal.
Host 2: It’s always a great idea to have a change of pace. Buy her a new halter – it’s a small thing, but it helps to show that you care. Symbols of your love matter!
Host 1: When grooming, spend a little extra time brushing her hair, and make pleasant conversation. Ask her how her day went. Show interest in her day-to-day life. To you, she may be an intimidating sex queen, but she’s also just an everyday gal with everyday problems. Don’t let her charisma drown out your ability to imagine yourself as an equal to her – and that might sound crazy! She’s beautiful, and graceful, and full of mysterious equine wisdom, but you have to make that image real in your mind so she can see you as more than, well, a quick service-station fling.
Host 2: Splurge a little on a nice, new blanket. – something that really sets off her mane, brings out her mare-y curves, and makes her feel like the lady she most certainly is. But if she asks if it makes her look fat—
Host 1&2:(in tandem) DO NOT ANSWER.
Host 1: The only good response to that question is, “You always look beautiful no matter what you wear.”
Host 2: Great advice. Now, when it comes to being intimate, remember, play to your strengths. Stallions have girth, length, and power on you, and those shortcomings make it all the more important to remember that sex with you is all about her! Take your time – stallions just can’t deliver that slow-and-steady grind your mare craves. Your stamina and patience will help you stand out. And if you really want to make an impression, spend some time going down on your ladyfriend. No stallion does oral sex well, and that’s a place where you can really set yourself apart from the hoofed competition! Celebrate her as a goddess with your oral worship and she’ll think of you as more than just a food-delivery mechanism.
Host 1: Don’t be shy about it, either; follow her lead, take your time, and she’ll let you know when you’re spot-on perfect with your oral attentions.
Host 2: The amount of time you spend making her feel special is what’s going to set you apart from any run-of-the-mill stallion. Hit-it-and-done might as well be the stallion’s hookup mantra – sure, they have the equipment to get away with that kind of selfish machismo, but you’ve got your own tools & you’ve gotta be smart about using them. You’re always gonna feel second-rate in her presence – that’s just a fact of nature. Rise to the challenge, Tiny, and do your best to be her equal. You’ve got this!
Host 1: That’s some really useful advice! I hope you guys out there took good notes! Here’s our last letter of the day. This one’s from Studly in Strausberg.
Host 2: Oh! A listener from across the pond!
Host 1: Always great to hear from our German listeners. Studly writes, “Dear Zooey. I’ve been dating a real hunk of a human for about two months now. The sex is great; he’s got a real tight ass that really squeezes in all the right ways, and he’s great company during long ties. But he gives the absolute worst blowjobs I’ve ever had in my life. I love him to death, don’t get me wrong, but the moment he goes down on me, I completely lose interest in sex. He’s really eager, though, and seems to love getting a taste, but he doesn’t seem to learn no matter how many times we try. What should I do?”
Host 2: Wow, if I could count the number of times I’ve gotten a bad blowjob.
Host 1: None from me, I hope! (laughs)
Host 2:(chuckling) No, indeed. To his credit, my co-host gives great post-show head. But Studly, I hope your two-legged paramour is listening right now, because I’m about to give him some advice that could save your relationship. And I hope you’re listening out there, dog-lovers, because this is need-to-know information. Here’s the tip: “Hold the sheath—“
Host 1&2:(in tandem) “—Not the shaft.”
Host 2: I cannot express enough how important this is.
Host 1: And it’s something so many people get wrong. Remember, stud dogs don’t have a setup with thick, rugged skin on their members. In fact, his skin when he’s erect is paper-thin, and so, so sensitive. It’s not designed for grabbing or rubbing – that’s a 2-legger thing, folks! You’ve gotta think of his shaft as a delicate, finely-wrought musical instrument: careful, careful, careful!
Host 2: For the same reason, you really have to watch your teeth. If you think it hurts as a human, imagine how your canine companion feels when your over-eager attentions result in teeth meeting that delicate shaft skin!
Host 1: And this is the reason I also stress that deep throating your canine companion should not be the goal. Unless he’s small all around, it’s not gonna work, and it’s gonna be anything but fun for him when you try. Save the tie for the other end – you’re not trying to knot your face, fellas!
Host 2: Heavens, no! Putting aside the obvious issue of getting the knot into your mouth without biting down, just because you get something in doesn’t mean it’s going to come back out. That could be a world of pain for both you and your patient pooch.
Host 1: That said, you don’t want to let your boyfriend’s cock dry out in the open air. That can lead to pain when his dick finally slides back into his sheath. Keep this in mind, and give that shaft a careful spit shine: all tongue, no teeth. Kisses are perfect for this kind of gentle lovin’ – kisses up the shaft, kisses on his tip – very sensitive! – and kisses especially down at the bottom & back of his knot — he’ll love those in particular! Your job when he’s erect and mid-orgasm is to keep him well-lubed, protected from bumps or bruises, and properly worshipped with sweet, loving smooches. Once you master the basics, there are advanced techniques that bring out best-in-class pleasure for your receptive stud… but we’ll save those tricks for later so you can concentrate on the foundation.
Host 2: So, to reiterate:
Host 1&2:(in tandem) Hold the sheath, not the shaft.
Host 2: Keep a nice, tight grip on him throughout the blowjob – always behind his knot, always steady pressure around his entire girth, and always make sure he’s well-lubed and moist. And always, always be gentle with your canine companion’s cock. Lips, kisses, and gentle suction along the shaft, and be sure to give that knot a loving smooch every once in a while. Follow this advice, and you’re guaranteed to deliver an orgasm your four-legged boyfriend won’t soon forget.
Host 1: That’s what it’s all about, folks: bring him happiness & pleasure, and he’ll never regret turning aside the latest bitch-in-heat for time spent in your two-legged company.
Host 2 Your love for him is what energizes your intimate time with him; don’t just go through the motions of giving him pleasure — give him all the pleasure he ever imagined, and then some!
Host 1: I hope you were taking notes! That’s all the time we have for today. Thanks for tuning in!
Host 2: We’ll see you next time, same zoo time, same zoo channel!
Fausty: Well, that’s our show for today folks!
Toggle: Hopefully you’ve had as much fun listening as we had making it!
Fausty: We’d like to give a huge shout out to our cast and crew. You guys made this all possible to pull together. We never would have gotten this off the ground without your help!
Toggle: Special thanks to the Cross Species Alliance and the Can’t Be Porn project for giving us a bit of a social media boost!
Fausty: Also, a somewhat unconventional shout out to Keven MacLeod at Incompetech.com for making royalty-free music for podcasts, YouTube channels, and media projects. Our deepest respect for your contributions and for your generosity, Mr. MacLeod.
Toggle: If you haven’t already done it, subscribe to our RSS feed, and follow our twitter accounts, @ZooierThanThou and @AskZooey. Currently, @ExposeSolution is still out there, and we’ll be transferring our main account there, so give that a follow as well.
Fausty: Finally, a special thanks from all of us here at the podcast to everyone who played along with the Hate Party game! Thanks for playing, folks! You guys know that we’ve got nothing but love for all of you, right? Also, don’t forget to respond to our question from the beginning of the show! If you do have any experiences with the dumpster fire that was BeastForum, we’d lover to hear about it! Send us a message using the form on our website, zoo.wtf, or direct message at one of the twitter accounts, and we’ll get back in touch. We do respect your privacy, of course, but as always, take care in what you share!
Toggle: Stay Defiant, zoos! We’ll see you next time you feel like howling at the moon!